Christmas is the holiday that I am always excited about...but every year I remember that I hate it. I hate going back to WI because every year I feel more disconnected and alien there. I hate getting presents, I hate feeling obligated to buy presents for people, I hate that I am so aloof around my family, I hate that I am being petty and selfish, I hate that I know I am being petty and selfish but not doing anything about it. I hate a lot of things about the holidays.

I hate (hate is a strong word - 'frustrated' is better) a lot of things. But what I don't hate are the nice engraved portraits of John Donne and William Shakespeare on my wall and my new leather bound journal with the sleek design on it.

My New Year's Resolution -
Write in the Journal every single day. None of that bullshit "I missed a couple days, so I'll make up for it." No. Honest to goodness write something in that journal 7 days a week, 52 weeks out of the year, 365 days total.
It can be anything - a summary of my day, the beginning of a story, a grocery list, the end of a story, a love note, a poem, a sketch.

Write.Write.Write.

My mantra for this coming year: Bear into the page with the weight of a thousand restless words.

I will give voice to everything. My hopes, my dreams, my fears, my frustrations, my theology, my philosophy, my romance, my faults, my failures, my successes...

I feel empty and drained. Frustrated at myself for being angry and petulant about things that I have no right to be angry and petulant about. But mostly I feel nothing right now.


Keep on polishing you'll hit the bone
All of you erased, empty and cold

A long, stream of consciousness

Winter is fast becoming my favorite season. The dark, the biting wind, the cold, the snow, the silence, the stillness, the mystery, the vastness, the grandeur.

I had a long and lovely day. But now, I am huddled in my room, blanket wrapped tightly around me, an ice-cold beer in hand, protected from the vicious weather, but able to admire its beauty.

(Traces in snow)
I always pair winter with liberal doses of Cult of Luna. Specifically, "Somewhere Along the Highway". Nothing speaks to me of vast stretches of frozen roadway at night like this album. The songs drag on just like the long cold night. Bleak as the frozen wind whipping through the trees. Moments of infinite stillness and peace broken by stark violence and fury.

(One moment can change everything)
I've never felt more in love than I did today. I spent my morning taking my LSAT. 5 grueling, dragging hours. An arduous task that left me drained, empty. Physically, mentally, emotionally. After such a taxing effort, there is nothing more beautiful in the world than climbing into bed with the person you love and just holding them tight. Something about both being exhausted and drained leads to a raw openness of emotion. The smallest of things brings about a smile or the desire to cry. The touching of cheeks, the tightening of her hand on yours, and gentle murmur of contentment made while half asleep. Every moment is sacred and cherished. The base and lustful impulses are gone, leaving nothing but the pure essence of one person's love for another. It is overwhelming. It is beauty.

(The landscape has changed. You don't recognize me)
Some friends of mine were up this weekend from Wisconsin. I always have to laugh at just how different some of us have become and yet how we are all the same. Still, I always wonder if I would recognize myself if I went and visited the 16year old version of myself. Am I who I wanted to be at that age? Have I done well by myself?

(Caught in a vortex between false perceptions and reality)
A friend of mine recently lost a lot of weight. She slimmed down enormously, and she just posted a note on Facebook that finally answered the question many people had been wondering - how she did it. I won't lie, I wondered, but I never asked. The answer, however, did not surprise. Through hard work. She shed over 100 pounds simply by having the will to want it and to change her eating and exercise habits to obtain it. She looks great, but to be honest, a part of me misses her old size. She was always there with a huge and a smile whenever I needed it. I don't think she realized just how much that meant to me, having someone like her envelope me in her hug. It was comforting. But her insides haven't changed, and maybe what I attribute to her physically big size is simply me thinking about how big her heart is.


Fall into sleep.
Rest your eyes.
Live amongst the shadows.
Walk through the light.
At last you're on your own.

I suffer from anxiety attacks. They are usually unprovoked, but sometimes I can induce them on my own by dwelling on an upcoming stressful situation.

I am taking my LSAT in less than a week now...and I began freaking out tonight. But two things calmed me down.
#1, my girlfriend texted me from her work 6 reasons why everything will be okay. That helped alot.
#2, there is a JRR Tolkien quote that I love. It goes, "Despair is for people who know, beyond any doubt, what the future is going to bring. Nobody is in that position. So despair is not only a kind of sin, theologically, but also a simple mistake, because nobody actually knows. In that sense there always is hope."

Despair is a sin...but more than that, it is a mistake, the most simple of mistakes!!! There is always hope. To give up before you've begun is sin and a mistake.

I won't do that.

I may very well do piss poorly on my LSAT, but I will give it my all. And if I fail, I'll simply try again.

WAIT!!

Found a sadder video...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Hl_NBTMELo

God this song/video makes me cry

Remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight
You never know what temporal days may bring
So laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the Lord

Still one of my favorite music videos of all time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYWOtugk204

Such a beautiful song...it always takes me back to high school and early college.

Winter Essentials

A work in progress.

Songs that I need in Winter Time
Kill Hannah - "New Heart for Xmas"
The Sisters of Mercy - "Driven Like the Snow"
Seabound - "Avalost"

Albums that I need in Winter Time
Rapture - "Songs for the Withering"
Soilwork - "Figure Number Five"

I am in a state that I am rarely in - blank.
I am worried about nothing, I am happy about nothing. I am not content, I am not sad.
All I am is sitting in my chair listening to music that is keeping me in this mood (though by writing, I am slowly beginning to feel again). I love the feeling of being totally blank every now and again (mind you, not too often). Usually, my mind is a mile a minute, and I am overwhelmed with emotions and passions.
But now, all is quite quiet.

Today has been perfect. I drove 5 hours and 40 minutes across three states, and arrived back in time to spend 2 hours with my girlfriend before she works this evening. There is nothing more beautiful or perfect or calming than snuggling up on a couch under a bunch of blankets with the person you love and just talking to them.
I read a book while sipping at a whiskey coke. It was a graphic novel, and the reason I love graphic novels so much is because I can read them in 1 sitting with no problem.
Now, I've listened to both The xx and Jesu...and it is perfect.

I've always loved Jesu, and in terms of verses I find captivating and beautiful and meaningful, the first verse of the song "Wolves" would be in my top 5 for sure.

Who are they
Are they a threat to our beliefs
So we descend upon them
Just like vengeful wolves

In four lines, Justin Broadrick has summed up a significant portion of the human psyche. We see people who are different than us, and we almost always implicitly ask ourselves, "Is this person a threat?" Wars are fought over the most trivial of differences and self-made divisions. Sexual orientation, skin colour, religion, tribe, political affiliation. We descend upon one another like vengeful wolves.

I'm not someone who believes in some vague feel-good spirituality or the notion that "all we need is love, man" or that all religions can get be reconciled into one. But thinking about the slaughter and harm we have done to each other over the most trivial differences (or even serious differences!)...it makes me sad. It is pointless. To kill or even injure someone because they are different than you in some regard is base and vile.

As a Christian, I was always taught that sex and/or homosexuality was the worst sin. No. Worse than that is to injure those who aren't exactly like you. Again and again, Jesus went out of his way to help or tell stories about people helping those weren't like themselves. If there is one thing I ever hope to really excel at, it is that message of Jesus - love those who aren't like you, and who the world tells you that you shouldn't love.

Ever thought from here on in your life begins and all you knew you was wrong?

If we all should die tonight, we should have no regrets.


That is my fear. That I will wake up, and realize that all the things I wanted in life are all the things I should have chased in life. That I should have thrown aside those things that held me back. That I was too afraid to chase every thought/dream I had. That I gave in. That I gave in to conformity and that my life is waiting to start.



But at the same time.


I know that I love. As deeply and as completely as anyone who has loved before me. And that is all I really need.


Did you imagine the final sound as a gun?
Or the smashing windscreen of a car?
Did you ever imagine the last thing you'd hear as you're fading out was a song?

What if?

What if you think you should have taken another path in life? What if you still love someone else? What if you want to be with someone forever? What if you just want to hold them for one last time?

What if
What if>

How do you make God laugh?
You make a plan.





Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news
Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their head
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die

For various reasons, this song always makes me cry. Especially at that last verse.

Sappy sentimental

I never really warmed to indie music until I was introduced to Stars, and I still only really enjoy their "In Our Bedroom After the War" album. Especially the song "My Favourite Book". I always listen to it when I get a bit sappy sentimental. And I've been sappy sentimental all weekend.

I went to a wedding this weekend, and it was one of the most beautiful weddings I've ever attended. The flower girl was adorable, walking.standingstill.throwingoneflower.repeat. My ladyfriend look radiant as a bridesmaid. But the part that really touched me was when after the vows between the bride and groom, the bride gave vows to the groom's 2 children. It was beautiful.
Of course, the rest of the wedding/reception was amazing (partybus, food, openbar, dancing, etc...) but the thing I really remember was the bride telling those children that she loved them and would treat them as her own.

And it made me sappy sentimental.

And so I listen to Stars.

"My Favourite Book"

And I always smile because my girlfriend has the shiftiest eyes of all time.


All the things you say
The way you shift your eyes
I never knew there was someone to make me come alive

Late Autumn mixtape

I always seem to get fixated on certain bandsalbumssongs during certain seasons/months. So, I thought I would just post 2 tracks by the four bands I have really been loving as of this unseasonably warm and beautiful late Autumn.

Not all of these songs will be to your taste, but at least check out the Anathema tracks...they are the kind of songs virtually everybody can enjoy.

Anathema - "Are You There (acoustic)"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuy8Ilqi9LU
Just a lovely song all around. A beautiful kind of sadness and melancholy felt after losing love.

Anathema - "Dreaming Light"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mY5cTG0wKYE
Another song about love...but this time it is about that pure feeling about being absolutely in love with someone. The kind of song you would imagine would play when a newly married couple walked down the aisle together or danced together for the first time

Rosetta - "Release"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIH4U7poyww
Summed up in the lyrics - the problem with Now is that no matter how much we want it to...it doesn't last forever

Rosetta - "Revolve"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ftw-33MMJgQ
A song that just builds, resonates with hope, about rebuilding, about reclaiming.

Katatonia - "Onward into Battle"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfrijAWtBSc
I love this entire album, and Katatonia do depressive rock so well...but this song is par excellence even by their standards. It is about struggling on, even though everything is going so wrong

Katatonia - "Departer"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g02DNyBLJo4
One of the saddest songs they have ever done. The line - brother, in your eyes, I was the stronger.... The familial aspect of Katatonia's lyrics always hit me hard.

Khoma - "Like Coming Home"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nrVCOCQ-FU
Metal love songs usually tend to come off awkwardly...but Khoma nails. A perfect mix of determined desperation. Breathing of you is keeping me calm...this ravaged world can't keep us apart

Khoma - "In it for Fighting"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBZ8aQVVzO8
The numbness you feel after you've fought for so long, the slow creeping doubt that maybe your cause is lost. You struggle on...losing more of yourself in the process

Zombies

I watched the first episode of the new AMC series "The Walking Dead" last night...and I have a couple thoughts

1.) Andrew Lincoln nailed not only the Southern accent (he is from England), but also the "cop swagger"
2.) Good use of him being shot/in the hospital during the zombie apocalypse - movies(tv shows) do this so that they don't have to waste a shit load of time explain/showing the zombie takeover.
3.) The nice use of realism with guns was heartening. Firing a Colt Python inside a tank would really lead to temporary deafness/disorientation.
4.) I like my girlfriend even more because she (at least theoretically) knows how to survive a Zombpocalypse. She voiced all three of these points during the course of the episode, all three of which are key to surviving.
a.) only 1 picture of your family/loved one/past.
b.) be willing to kill those closest to you that have turned
c.) MELEE WEAPONS!!! Don't waste ammo on targets that can be killed with a melee weapon)
~addendum - my biggest concern is that she has a fear of zombies (even slow ones), which I feel could incapacitate her in the event of a real outbreak.
5.) You never, never, NEVER go into a major population center. Even if the radio has said (in the past, I might add, before the radio went blank) that it is a "safe zone". You stick to back roads, rural communities, off the beaten track.
6.) Transport goes like this
a.) Cars/trucks - 'C', they can accommodate a lot of supplies and are sealed. Downside, they are also loud, require fuel, and cannot navigate blocked roads
b.) Horses - 'B', they can accommodate a rider but force a rider to travel light (a good thing), food source (ie - grass, etc...) is readily available, maneuverable. Downside, you better know how to ride one/have a saddle, can panic, can be loud
c.) Bicycle/any kind of "cycle" - 'A', they are faster than zombies, maneuverable through rubble, silent, easily repairable, readily available for replacement, require no food/fuel. Downside, can move only as fast as you can, not an enclosed space, lack of storage space (unless you find a four-wheeled bike)

a subject close to me

I'm reading right now about Nazi eugenics. Now, let me state that I categorically do not endorse anything the Nazis did...but I find this endlessly fascinating. As a social/historical study, Nazi Germany is never ending.

Consider this quote...
"Of the five identifiable steps by which the Nazis carried out the principle of "life unworthy of life," coercive sterilization was the first. There followed the killing of “impaired” children in hospitals; and then the killing of “impaired” adults, mostly collected from mental hospitals, in centers especially equipped with carbon monoxide gas. This project was extended (in the same killing centers) to “impaired” inmates of concentration and extermination camps and, finally, to mass killings in the extermination camps themselves."

What kind of sick logic leads a group of people down this path? Five stages, each worse than the last. Yes, Hilter was a monster, but he needed people loyal to him to succeed. A significant number of people had to believe in this (if not in this, then Hitler's policies) in order for them to be implemented.

Take Action T4 (look it up)...the Nazis killed "deformed" children and then adults. A small group of people arbitrarily decided who was worthy and who was not.

I could write more...but I am just to stunned by all of this. All I can say is a repetition of what Holocaust survivors said - "NEVER AGAIN"

Being in love is pretty much the greatest thing ever. But there are some downsides...

1.) You always want to be that dickbag updating his Facebook status with "OMG, I lOvE my giRLfrIeNd sOOooo MuCh.
2.) All you ever want to talk to your friends about is how awesome your girlfriend is
3.) The only music you feel you should listen to is positive/upbeat music about it.
4.) You feel bad when you realize 75% of your music is about death/sadness/andor Breakups
5.)If you don't see your GF for more than a day, you revert to the troll you once were
6.)If you don't see your GF for more than a day, your texts get progressively more and more monkey like, going from relatively coherent to "I waneed you riht now!"

Still, this poor sap is in love, so here are some lyrics...thanks to Khoma - "Like Coming Home"

Breathing of you is keeping me calm,
Your eyes so smoothing.
This ravaged world can't keep us apart...

In it for fighting...

I'm going to link a music video, but unlike a lot of videos that I link, I think this is a band that most people would enjoy. Scandinavian indie rock/metal. Khoma - "In It For Fighting"...
...something about this band has really gripped me in the past few weeks. They are so emotional. So visceral.

All these dreams that could have been
Pumping, leaving my heart...

If nothing else I am myself
That's all I have to give

I once saw Third Eye Blind play live...and it was amazing...but that isn't the point. The point is how they ended..
...they ended by playing Dao of St. Paul but instead of playing the whole song, they stopped midway through and all walked forward, and we all sang the refrain together.

It was nothing short of magical. The band stepping forward, singing "Evermore....rejoice!" with the crowd.

And I loved it. It was powerful, it was moving, it was communal. But the song itself is about being empty and alone. And the the song itself is about pan and heartbreak.
And it is visceral and it is sad...
...and hopefully I will never experience it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_U-N9m9Hm0

Two things...

One, I love my family very much. Especially my brothers. Growing up, I was always closer to my sisters because they were closer to me in age...but as I got old, my brothers became more and more important to me. And now...they are what I emulate, to a certain degree. I am the youngest out of us three...so I always look up to them. They both affect/shape me in different ways.
But now, I wonder if maybe I maybe not the wisest? I have both their knowledge...what if I have assimilated it more fully and understood their lessons better than they have?

Brother
In your eyes I was the stronger
So how am I to cover you now
Without shadowing your path

Two, I love you. As simple and complicated as that statement is. It means that I want what is best for you, that I will strive to help you flourish, that I will celebrate when you do, and hold you when you cry. It means being a friend - the kind of friend you always wanted - the kind of friend you always wanted - the kind of friend you wanted to rely on.

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love." - Sophocles

Katatonia

I find this line infinitely beautiful and meaningful

How cold is the flame
Of our uncompromising future

It is off Katatonia's "Night is the New Day" album, the song 'The Longest Year'.

My brother doesn't really like this album, and when he asked me why I like this album so much, I pointed to this song, to this line.

To me, these lines speak about stagnation...the fear about the fire of life turning cold in the face of a future that is uncompromisingly bleak.

How cold is the flame of the world that does not seek to better itself?
How cold is the flame of the person who gives in to what is expected of him?
How cold is the flame of those who turn away the people they love in order to feed their addictions?
How cold is the flame...



And I would freeze if you ever asked me

Since I am 98% positive that you don't read this (aka - in case of death, break the glass)

I am far too much like my favourite poet - John Donne. He obsessed over Death. He had his funeral portrait taken 3 (I believe) years before his death in 1631. But much as he thought about, wrote about, obsessed about death...he did not fear it - as found in his "Holy Sonnet X" - the famous "Death, be not proud..." sonnet.
But, still, I worry about death, a lot. I've known several friend/acquaintances/etc... who have been killed expectantly. A drunken driver, cancer, head trauma...

...this post is just in case something happens.

You chose

Over the Rhine - "I Want You to Be My Love"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjdoxXPtYgY
I want you to be my love
'Neath the moon and the stars above

I chose
Anathema - "Dreaming Light"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mY5cTG0wKYE

Suddenly, I don't have to be afraid
Suddenly, it all falls into place

And you shine inside
And love stills my mind like the sunrise
Dreaming light of the sunrise
Dreaming light..

Still one of my favorite music videos/songs of the decade. It always takes me back to Bosnia. 'Safe Are Gorazde', my time spent in Sarajevo...the stories I've heard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDbXqP7z-Uc

And I pray for peace...

"There's no music on my radio..."

(i don't want to go out, I want to stay in)

I've been in a real slump as of recently.
But I realized something...it is up to me to get out of this depressive slump of mine. It is imperative that I do. Otherwise I'm going to miss out on a lot in life.

I've decided to go to Law school...and that is going to be a lot of work. I mean, even the application process is daunting. But no one is going to apply for me, so I need to man up and get to work, regardless of how listless and lethargic I feel. It kind of sucks being an adult sometimes...let's be honest.

And one thing that does put me in a good mood is The Ting Tings' new song "Hands"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ms1C5WeSocY

So much electro/synth/dance goodness.


Also, next time I live in a house, I am going to live in a house not based solely on whether or not the rent is cheap, but on whether or not I can see myself thriving artistically in that house. I put a lot of value in my surroundings, and the current house I am living in just has no soul. I feel uninspired. I hate the aesthetics of my room, of the whole house.
Of course, I can't blame my entire artistic slump on my environment. Part of art is just showing up, and I haven't been doing that.

(I wish it wasn't so)

I always come back to music. Always.
Recently, I've been into the band Khoma they are the perfect outlet during this Autumn period. During this time of discontent. Not screaming, but a voice pleading out. Music that longs for an answer. Plaintive, questioning...

I am in a world full of racism, a world full of sexism, a world full of murder.
A world full of hate, lust, disease, uncaring, apathy, failure, indifference, sex, lust, gluttony, greed, and on and on...

A world that is empty.

A world full of nothing that I want.

So I turn to Khoma for words...

"So I scream for air...in a world that is choking (I wish it wasn't so)"


And that is how I feel a lot of the time. Nothing ever changes. Politicians are all the same. The represent the same thing. They change nothing, while people die. And starve. Amd rot away due to disease. People die and politicians try to bring about "Change" that looks just like the status quo. And the poor die. And the innocent die. And the disenfranchised die. And the voiceless die.
They die.
Not metaphorically. Not figuratively.
They die in the very cold, physical sense of the word.

They will die and leave childrensistersbrothersspousesparents behind in their wake. And those individuals will never be entirely whole due to that loss.

And, if I ever had a major platform from which to spread this message, I would say this


I've waited to come here, to see what you look like. You look just like me...(please don't panic, don't hit the alarm)

technicality

I love the song "Mouth to Mouth can think of when I listen to it on their album "Wake Up the Sleepers" is just how much better it is live!!
Because on the album, there is the female guest vocalist Chibi from The Birthday Massacre (another band I enjoy) who sings the line "Will you save my life in time", and she goes up...but live, Matt Devine slows the line down and goes lower (vocally). AND IT WORKS SO MUCH BETTER!!!!! And that is all I can ever think of.
And it drives me crazy!!!
And I almost can't listen to the song.

on the way back from the mountains,
stopped by the cemetery, drank to our youth
thought of our ages and stopped it
we blame our diets on changes in mood

It's Funny

It's funny how different music can remind you of different people/moments in time

For instance...

Fear Factory of Criss Angel - I'm leaving my best friends house in winter time when I am 12 years old
Soilwork - I'm in highschool and I'm driving back with my brother from a highschool Xbox LAN.
Hawthorne Heights - I'm a Senior in Highschool with my friends...
MxPx - I'm driving with my best friend of the time listening to "Slowly..."
Lights - I am with you at that time
Kat Perry - I always think of my favourite girl of all time
B!F - I'm back in Hungary...
Rosetta - I'm back in Hungary on the last night taking a walk from the XmasMarkt to the dorm
And on
and on
and on
......

digital photography

Thank god for photographs. A moment captured in time. Sometimes, all you need is a glimpse and the memories flood back, unconstrained, uncontrolled.
Man night, good people good music good food good fun.
Croatia, bike riding on the perfect day.
Polandslovakia, vibrant autumn beauty rain wet cold weather is a fickle friend.

Or, I often think about my last night in Hungary. I went out to the Kristmasmarkt and had a couple of hot, mulled wines. Then, I walked from the Markt back to our rooms, alone. An hour or two at least. Coat unbuttoned, wine in hand, lingering on bridges to watch the water at night, the lights of the city, to breathe it in. Rosetta's album "Wake/Lift" blasting in my ear, perfect companion for so vast a night, so vague of feelings. The winter air crisp and cleansing. Release, revolve, Renew.

My how the time flies.

When I looked down like if to pray,
Well, I was looking down her dress... good God!

(ah, but I don't need this!
I don't need this!)

I found light that lead me to the shrine where children sang and pilgrims mourned.
I was lost but not alone.

I am the luckiest

I have the best of all possible ladyfriends.
She not only prints off my resume/cover-letter, but proofreads them and finds some glaring mistakes I made and corrects them for me. And, she drops them off at my house on the way to her work.
I could talk forever about how awesome she is, but I don't think I will. Because whenever I do, I grin like an idiot and get happy like a kid on christmas (And that is why we'll always make it)

Good news everyone!

Twitter stalking has lead me to believe that Matthew Leone, the bass player of Madina Lake, is now healthy/out of the hospital.
For those of you unaware with what this means, it is great news. Back in July (I believe), Leone stepped in to stop a man who was beating his wife. He tried to diffuse the situation and make sure everyone was calmed down, but when he was checking on the woman, the man came up behind him and attack him, splitting open his skull and putting him in the ICU.
Being from a band, Leone did not have insurance and so had to pay his medical expenses out of pocket. Thankfully, fans, bands Madina Lake had previously toured with, and other people touched by the story poured in their money to help him.
And that generosity has apparently paid off.

There is good in the world.

I've always been a terrible son, I've always doubted, I've always retained too much of "me".

The Son of the widow
You raised from the dead...
Where did His soul go
When He died again?

About...

Sometimes, I get frustrated with where I am in my life. And at times I felt like this.

Well, I'll go to college and I'll learn some big words
And I'll talk real loud, goddamn right I'll be heard
You'll remember the guy who said all those big words
He must have learned in college

But at a certain point, you wake up, and it isn't about the big words you learned while you got your fancy degree at a Liberal Arts college. It's about how you feel when your ladyfriend falls asleep on the couch while she holds onto you, and you smile because she is still so damn cute even though she is totally sick and still in her work clothes. And you hold her close and think, "I am not my job. I am not how much money I make. I am not societal status.
I am how I treat others. I am how kind I am. I am how much I love."

And I love and care rather deeply. About certain housemates. About certain orphans. About certain people who are abroad. About certain people who are in this country. About certain people who spend time with me in a hammock. About certain people in certain times in certain place. About...

...And if a year from now, everyone has moved on to new places, new friends, new moments, I will always look back and say, "At that moment, at that time, I loved those people as much as I could, and if we never talk to each other again, at that moment, we were connected beyond measure through our love and caring for one another.

How cold is the flame of our uncompromising future?

I went to a bar that was located on the 27th floor of the Amway Grand tonight. The view was great. The drinks were great. The friends were great.
Two of their house drinks, then a gintonicabsinthe.

Then I got home, but slippy fingers broke a bottle of (cheapcheap) vodka. Damn them.

I have found out two things today.
1. I kissed my beautiful ladyfriend several months before I remember kissing her.
2. I have a cut on my knuckle that I cannot account for.

I wonder...

...if my girlfriend will still date me once she discovers that I un-ironically think that Nightranger is a great band
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z92bmlcmyq0&ob=av2e

Or that I have a love of late 70's post-punk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnVC0Mhv_k0

I am now semi-gainfully employed by West Michigan Janitorial Services.
I am angling to work as a cashier at the Euro Bakery.
I am applying to be a writer for examiner.com
I will apply to write for Demand Media Studios.
I will break out of this rut.


And I've been so busy trying
that I've only wound up living
weekend to weekend
getting by just simply "trying"
And I should be out looking for a job
but only wind up heading for a stiff drink
left with nothing else so I think
"it's time to stumble home"

I want to get a part time job doing some kind of writing.
But I am hesitant to actually go out and apply.
I hate rejection.
I would hate to find out that I am not actually that great of a writer.
So rather than try and fail, I do nothing (another type of failure).

We'd rather leave no trace and not look back
Than face the anxiety here and now

Let me take a minute here...

...to depart from my normal introspective, angsty, whiny posts in order to bring you all a newsflash.

I saw Porcupine Tree tonight at the Orbit Room.

And.
they.
were.
fucking.
brilliant.

Setlist:
2 songs from 'The Incident'
Open Car
Russia on Ice
Anesthetize (2nd part)
Trains
Blackest Eyes
Start of Something Beautiful
Way Out of Here
Sleep Together


Due yourself a favor, listen to the song "Trains". And prepare to have your mind blown.

Steven Wilson is a genius!

It is amazing what you can say with the simplest of gestures. Sometimes, you want to say that "You are the most amazing person I know, and I want to be near you forever", and a simple hug in bed is all you need. Sometimes you need to say, "You are the best friend a guy could ask for, and I always have you back - no matter what", and a hug and a clap on the back says that. Or even, "I've missed you all summed and I wish you had been here sooner", a gentle tap on the ass says that.

I have many friends.
And those friends respond in different ways.
And sometimes it is a slap on the ass.
Sometimes, it is a kiss on the nose.

I love them all. Each in their own way. Each as who they are. Faults, flaws, failures.

"The problem with now is that no matter how much we want it to, it doesn't last forever."

2 years ago

2 years ago I went to Hungary.
You know what I got from that time?

A lot of blurry pictures and vivid memories.

Swing life away

A Thursday spent listlessly. Computer games, reading, computer games, reading, food, annoy roommate, repeat. And on and on and on. Another day wasted.
Until that selfsame roommate bursts into the room - "So, you busy tonight? Good - how do you feel about biking down to the Derby for some drinks...that's as far as I've gotten with the plan."
Of course, I'm in.

8:30 rolls around. Shirts, shoes, IDs - check.
5-10 minute bike down to the local dive.

"Two Leinenkugel Octoberfests. Tall."
"Here's to living the dream."

MMA on the big screen. Chunky dude with the polish last name vs. the cut 'merican looking guy.
"You been to Poland, what are the people like?"
"Every woman is beautiful, every man is a kind of nerdy and fugly."
A Maker's and a (tall) Sam Adam's Boston Lager.

Talk shit about our other housemate. The one that just can't get it together and man up. Who spends the rent on throwing knives in order to be "tactically sound"? And sure, I drink, but you don't see me slamming 40$ bottles of Belvedere. 10$ Sobieski for me - in addition to fine women Poland produces fine vodka.

Get a text. From the guy right next to me. That sly motherfucker.
"Fucking S______"
"I hear that. What's the frequency?"
"Fucking S_____"

Last call for us. Shot of Old Granddad. Better than the Maker's, which is too thin on the front end, but not nearly as good as its relative the 114. Old Granddad 114 will always be my sipping whiskey. Regardless, it is still good whiskey.
An argument between the bartendress and the kids next to us catches our ears.
"If you throw up, you do it outside, not in here, not in the bathroom - outside."
"Don't worry about us, we are old drinking veterans."
Boy, you don't look a day over 15. If you are are drinking veteran, then I am goddamn Theodore Roosevelt, Jr.!

Time to go. Unlock the bikes. Thank god they weren't stolen.
The night is perfect. Not too humid, the wind on my face, the pavement underneath. Not a sole on the street.

Bike past the local liquor shop.
"Hey Kev, watch the bikes. I gotta get me something."
"You know I got your back, brother."

"Pint a 5'oclock vodka."
"$4.44."

Glare of the neon signs of the Fish 'n Chips store and the pizzeria.
"Hey Kev...you hungry?"
"Up to you, man."

"Hot ham 'n cheese sub and an order of cheese sticks."
Holy god, that was the best meal I've ever had.


And then, after a night of hanging loose, talking shit, and being young, it turns, as it inevitably does, to something more important. Suddenly, it isn't two best friends at a bar drinking huge pints of beer reliving old stories of the glory days and crazy shit that happened in the past. Suddenly, it is two best friends walking along a deserted train track in the dark of night, each with a flask in hand, each being open.

Nothing is more beautiful than that. Two friends walking along an infinite road in the dead of night, opening up about who they really are. Their feet are going to kill in the morning (walking along train track rocks in paper thin sole-d shoes is the worst idea, in hindsight), but that doesn't matter.

For a moment, everything is perfect and put in perspective. For a second, you aren't the only one struggling through life with no direction. For a second, the myriad of choices you have are laid out before you, and any one of them is viable. For a moment, you are infinite.

It ends, at it always must.
But you go down into your room, after hugging your friend, and you sit down at your computer and think about the perfect song to sum up your night (your life).

For me, I define this sort of night with one song
"Swing Life Away" by Rise Against.

What about you?

I can lie too easily. I can fake too easily. I can manipulate too easily. I can react appropriately too easily.

I have a lot of good qualities, but it is important to know your faults, your pitfalls, your weaknesses.

I can adapt and fake who I am in order to fit in. And at a certain point...when does it stop being act? What if the act becomes who I am?

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life...

...But why would I want to do a thing like that?

I feel strange when I see people going through the exact same things I have gone through. It is strange for me to be on the otherside of those mistakes/actions and looking at someone else walking the path I just came from.

So here I am, a shot of Wild Turkey 101 bathing in the glare of this screen, wrapped in a bathrobe, thinking about past actions...and 30 Seconds to Mars' song "Alibi" comes on.

I fell apart
But got back up again

And that's really all it is. I've fallen apart so many times. Spent a lot of nights lying awake thinking about all the choices I've made, all the actions I've done that hurt someone else or myself.

You know, I'm not a saint.

But no matter how many times I fall apart (which is pretty frequent), I get back up. It may take a long while, my methods my not be perfect, but I get back up.

And I know, in the end, the people I see walking the same road I did...they'll get back up also. But until then, I hope I can be a small comfort.

I had a glorious day today. Ladyface and her brother+his friend and I all went up to the cottage her grandparents rented on a lake.
It was a beautiful day. The kind of day that was meant to be spent at the lake. We sped around in the boat for a little while, pausing to take a swim, and polish off a Summer Shandy. Now, I hear a lot of trash talking about Summer Shandy, but sitting in the 90 degree weather in the middle of lake, flush and tired from swimming...nothing takes you to that place of perfect contentment like a Summer Shandy.
Went tubing. Ladyfriend is a maniac behind the wheel and managed to knock me off twice.
Went on the Sea-do. I got to pilot it for a bit...and man it was amazing! Nothing like the summer time air, the splash of the water, the wind whipping through your hair, and having an amazing girlfriend clinging on to you.
Ended the day with pizza and breadsticks.
A perfect afternoon.

I am this way

It is weird...I am in a committed relationship with a girl I really like/genuinely care about...but I still think about all the things that could go wrong/have gone wrong in past relationships.

Maybe it has something to do with me listening to way more songs that are about breaking up/endings rather than songs that are about beginnings.
Who knows. Regardless, I still feel the visceral emotional response when listening to songs like Anathema's "Are You There?"

But since you've been gone I've been lost inside
Tried and failed as we walked by the riverside
And I wish you could see the love in her eyes
The best friend that eluded you lost in time
Burned alive in the heat of a grieving mind

But what can I say now?
It couldn't be more wrong

Because that was me. In the past. And I do not/can not forget the past...

I'm killing time

How many songs total: 11,533
How many hours or days of music: 42.5 days.

Sort by song title-
First song: "Take On Me" - A-ha
Last song: "Release" - 8th Day

Sort by time-
Shortest song: "2/4/943" - Entwine
Longest song: "Thrive Mix Presents: Electro" by LA Riots

Sort by album-
First album: "[A----B] Life"
Last album: "From Angels or Dreams"

Top five most played songs:
1. When I Was Alive: Walden III - A Wilhelm Scream (2:19), 56
2. In Vino Veritas II - A Wilhelm Scream (2:25), 53
3. The Kids Can Eat a Bag of Dicks - A Wilhelm Scream (3:44), 33
4. Me Vs. Morrissey In The Pretentiousness Contest (The Ladder Match - A Wilhelm Scream (1:45), 32
5. The Horse - A Wilhelm Scream (4:54), 30

Search the following and state how many songs come up:
Death: 1123
Life: 187
Love: 368
Hate: 145
You: 823
Sex: 34

10 Shuffles-
1. "Believe" - Aiden
2. "The Touch" - Computorgirl
3. "Am I Evil?" - Metallica
4. "Ceremony Ek Stasis" - Minsk
5. "Alice" - The Sisters of Mercy
6. "For the Love I Bear" - Sentenced
7. "Sadistic Lullabye" - Soilwork
8. "Cosmic Retribution" - Arch Enemy
9. "Perfect World" - Blackfield
10. "Consumed" - The Hope Conspiracy

Relationships matter

"I knew the people who worked for me... When you know people, you have to behave towards them like human beings." - Oskar Schindler

I once heard a story. It went like this - a Jewish man lived in Germany. He was a friendly man, and everyday he would take a walk, and on this walk, he would greet the local constable with a hearty, "Hello, Herr X."
The Nazis rise to power, and this Jewish man is eventually shipped off to the deathcamp. He is weak and feeble, but one one of the daily forced marches he recognizes an SS guard and shouts his hearty, "Hello, Herr X!" The guard responds in a friendly way, and the next day, the Jewish man is assigned to a much less severe/taxing position in the camp. He ends up living through the war, and when asked about it, he responded to the effect of, "A friendly greeting goes a long way."

* * *

I was young when I saw my first Holocaust Survivor speak. I was 14, maybe 15. Poppa Something (Golda?) was speaking at Harmony Cafe, and the girl I was interested in knew him and wanted to go see him. I still remember some of the things he said, 8 years later. I still remember the question I asked him. The major thing that I remember is when he talked of the local Christian kids throwing rocks at him and fellow Jews and generally treating them poorly. When QnA came around, I stood up, flushed in the face and nervous, "Did you ever harbor ill feelings towards those Christian children." The question wasn't half out of my mouth before he said, "Never. Not for one second."

As long as I live, I'll always remember that old, big, smiling, Holocaust surviving Jewish man answering my question with such sincerity and the lesson it taught me. He was treated as subhuman by these children, but never did he think worse of them.
A lesson in forgiveness. In humility. In grace/mercy.

The Space Between

This place is not home.

It took me some time to figure it out, but this is not home. Home was Sojourners'. Home was dingy carpets, a faucet handle that always fell off, late nights on the porch, our skeezy basement. Home was two years of good people and memories.

This...this is change. This is transitional. It is the place between homes. The place I live for a time before I settle in a place on my own terms. That does not make it bad, simply the place that came After.

My role shifts. I grow older, and things change. I see through a new lens. I see how I once was, how people once perceived me (though, I do not judge as harshly, because I know what the current ones are going through).

It's funny thinking about the Past. About change. About how much you depend on your surroundings.

It is also funny how much I (we, us, you) can be so content in the present, yet think so much about The Road Not Taken. About all those Maybes, Ifonlys, and Longshots.

I feel stuck between Past and Future. Stuck in this space between; this place known as the Present. Though deep down, I know it is a prison of my own choosing.

Choices

It's funny how much (seemingly) minor decisions affect the future (or is it the present?)
Example, a certain Ladyfriend and I are dating for some of the most ridiculous reasons.

In January, there was a costume party at her house. This is the only time I have ever really dressed up for a costume party, and I threw myself into my character with reckless abandon. My costume, you ask - the guy from "My New Haircut" vid (youtube it). Tight, collared shirt; fake tan; sunglasses; fifth of Jaeger...I'm good to go.
Get to party full of Jaeger and (more importantly) a false bravado stemming from the character I am playing.
See cute girl who I have always crushed on. Think, "Fuuuuck...I ain't got shit to lose and nothing to prove" so strike up conversation. 20 minutes later, it is hazy, but we end up kissing..
Awesome.

A few weeks later, realize that Layfriend is someone you want to get to know, not just have sweet makeouts with. Not sure if it was just a one night fling or what. Send facebook message with reckless abandon saying (paraphrased), "Hey, we madeout, but we should hangout because I like you."
Wake up next morning petrified because of your audacity. Fuckfuckfuck. Think about moving out of state, changing name.
Get reply, "I'd like that."

Awkward dates ensue. Spring Break occurs. Ladyfriend ends up 2 hours away from me. Late night text that says (paraphrase), "You are inland...I am at private condo with a beach, hottub, and pool - come swimming!" Ladyfriend relents, gets friends to come.

Ladyfriend and friends show up. Wine on the veranda. Games. Games. Wine. Late night walk to the beach. Walking back, Ladyfriend jumps in the pool...no one else jumps in, but I know I have to. Jump in fully clothed (and I could never break the surface of the water without jumping in). Late night talk. Wake up still a bit unsure of what relationship status is...go for handhold in front of her friends.
Boom, success. Most amazing Ladyfriend of all time acquired.

And while it may just sound that I am bragging about my Ladyfriend, I am doing more than that.

The point is, if any one of those steps/actions was removed, this relationship may not have happened - ergo, I would not be who/where I am right now. What if I had a different costume the fateful night? What if I never sent a facebook message asking to hangout? What if I didn't text her while on SpringBreak? What if I didn't jump in the pool?

Choices have the most unforeseeable consequences. But this experience taught me to be a little more reckless. Or, at the very least, open to the idea of break out of my shell and taking a risk.

Summer playlist

I love making playlists. In high school, I would make mix cds for my friends all the time. Invariably, I would make a cd, give it to a friend, and kick myself 30 seconds later for not including X song.
Anyway, here is a playlist of the songs that I've been listening to heavily this summer. It is short and only consists of two bands.

(In no order)

A Wilhelm Scream - "Fun Time"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYjuK5_fbaA&feature=related
It's about being with friends and cutting loose. It's about drinking and being crazy. It's about being a bit crazy...but knowing that it is okay to be a bit crazy.
Nothing to be embarrassed of
Gonna shout till my voice cuts out

Third Eye Blind - "Bonfire"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_MvEpIpEUQ
This is my summer anthem. It is a song about change. It is about transition. Things are changing, but that is the nature of life. It is about love. I saw 3eb play this song live...they ended their set with it - I almost cried. It ended with the band stopping all their instruments and singing with the crowd "Did you get what you wanted?"

Everything's changing now





And lightning comes and lightning goes

And it's all the same to me

Let it in

A Wilhelm Scream - "The Pool"
A song about alienation, about loneliness, about endings.
All my accomplishments are joined with asterisks,
so in a few years they're meaningless.

Third Eye Blind - "Dao of St. Paul"
A song about uncertainty. Something has ended, but there are still questions lingering. About the road not taken. But ultimately, it is all about hope.
And I tell myself what we're living for
And say rejoice evermore

It's a great thing to have friends who understand you and who care about you.
It might even be the best thing.

I think I'll hit restart on Sunday.
But for today, I think I'll just sit in my room and listen to Rilo Kiley.


I do this thing where I think I'm real sick
But I won't go to the doctor to find out about it
Because they make you stay real still
In a real small space
As they chart up your insides and put them on display

They'd see all of it, all of me, all of it

Every time I doubt where I am/what I am doing in life, something brings me back to my senses. And then I realize that I am choosing this path for a specific, certain, concrete reason.

There are infinite paths in life. To Borges, life/existence was a garden of infinitely forking paths. There are an infinite number of paths I could have chosen in life...but I chose this one. And I intend to follow this path until there is a compelling reason to leave it. I've left so many things in my life half completed or unfulfilled entirely. Not this.

I'll be here until I can close my eyes and watch the stars explode.

the full story (READ THE STORIES BELOW)

i’m afraid I have some of the worst news that has ever hit our lives. It’s almost impossible to even type this update. A few nights ago, Matthew walked from my apt. a block and a half down the street to meet a friend for a drink. half way there he saw a man severely beating his wife. Being the most amazing, strong, heroic and incredible person I know.. even though the guy was twice his size, Matthew intervened. He managed to subdue this guy for a second and since his wife was beat up pretty good called the cops.. as he did so the guy jumped him from behind and beat him. This guy did things I can’t even type. After words, he and his beaten wife left Matthew unconscious on the street. Matthew is in the hospital with a third of his skull removed as we wait for the swelling in his brain to go down. I’d rather not share any additional information at this time besides the fact that he acted as a hero (as he always would in any of these situations) and is paying a horrific price. Please send all your love and good energy and vibrations to him. I’ve been and will be next to him throughout the entire recovery process. We don’t know enough yet details about how that will develop.. but it has shocked, stunned, disgusted our best friends, family and band (which are both). The world can be evil beyond belief and as much as we want this evil eliminated, right now our hearts heads and energies need to go to my best friend, soul mate, hero, and angel, Matthew. Love you all and will be in touch as soon as I can muster up the emotional energy to reach out again. Please, be safe and peaceful as we get through this impossible time.

Nathan

READ THE POST BEFORE THIS ONE

No, fuck this. I've never been a strongly principled man...but this issue makes me.

Violence against women is one of the worst acts on this planet.

I've witnessed it first hand.
Seeing a woman beaten isn't even remotely academically fascinating. It is nothing but the lowest kind of violence or bully-ism. Men who hit women are in the lowest level of scum on this planet.

If I ever heard of a guy hitting a girl friend of mine...that shit would spiral so far out of control for him. That is inexcusable. No circumstances mitigate a situation like that.

I Pray I'll never see another woman hurt before my eyes.

A true hero (PLEASE READ)

http://www.sweetrelief.org/news/sweet-relief-helping-raise-money-matthew-leone-madina-lake

This post isn't about me. Rather, it is about something/someone truly important.

Matthew Leone, the bassist for the Chicago band Madina Lake, was seriously injured a number of days ago. He saw a man beating up on a woman, and he intervened. He tried to calm the man down, and at first, he apparently succeeded. However, when he turned to see how the woman was doing, the aggressive man attacked him from behind - attacked him so severely that Matthew ended up in a coma.

Matthew took a stand against abuse, specifically abuse against women. Violence against an individual in general is deplorable, but violence against a woman is inexcusable. Matthew took a stand. He came in as an outsider and tried to stop an act that he knew was wrong.
Though he was hospitalized for his actions, his brother said something to the effect of, "Once Matthew gets better, if he ever saw something similar happening, he would step in and stop it with no hesitation."

Matthew Leone is a hero. In an age marked by cynicism and apathy, he took a stand. That's why I am asking everyone (all 2 of you) who read this blog to donate 10dollars ($10) to help Matthew's medical expenses. He has no medical insurance. He is a bassist in a small/middling sized band....he cannot afford a serious injury like this. However, he stood up for something fundamentally right, and let's help him for that.




My last night in Hungary, we left the club and were waiting for the bus to take us home. We were standing there at the bus stop when we saw what we thought was two guys horsing around and having a joke fight.
It wasn't a joke fight.
It was a joke beating up his girlfriend. He smashed her head against a brick wall several times. We all rushed over. We broke up the fight...but they ended up leaving together. We couldn't do anything to stop it. It tore me up;; still tears me up. I went home pissed off, punched a wall, nearly shattered my hand, and swore that I would stand against violence against women.
I've rarely, if ever, taken a hard stance against anything in my life. Domestic violence is something I will always fight against. Always.

http://www.sweetrelief.org/news/sweet-relief-helping-raise-money-matthew-leone-madina-lake

Lists

I think I'll rank my favorite LTJ albums, going from first to last

1. Anthem
2. Borders and Boundaries
3. Losing Streak
4. Hello Rockview
5. B Is for B-sides
6. In With the Out Crowd
7. GNV Florida
8. Pezcore


I like making lists. I'm not sure why. Maybe it has something to do with the definitive nature of lists. They quantify. They provide concrete evidence. In short, they are not vague or unknown.

As they walked aimlessly under the halogen lights that lit up their town, all he could think about was how funny it was just how closely his life mirrored every Less Than Jake song. He just laughed a kind of nervous laugh. She looked at him questioningly, so he said, "It's funny how life turns out."
But what he really thought was, "Soon, this moment will be nothing more than a moved on memory."
They turned back onto Monroe St., and neither of them remember that moment. Or maybe, they both remembered it, but neither would admit it to the other.

And I swear it's the last time and I swear it's my last try
and we'll walk in circles around this whole block
walk on the cracks on the same old sidewalks
and we'll talk about leaving town
yeah we'll talk about leaving

we drove around this place all night
past closed signs and familiar sights
we're moving by passing time
counting those center lines
with 20,000 lines left to go
that lead to somewhere I don't know
it might be the time tha twe leave this all behind

Hey ma, look! It's me -

- much to young to focus but too old to see!

301

All this meaningless direction feels like it pulls me away

Rejoice...evermore

I looked in her eyes
And in that moment, I didn't see you
(I no longer saw the past)

I saw her for who she is
And we both smiled
...a bit awkwardly, truth be told

And she asked me,
"What?"
The most complicated-simple question of them all.

And I wanted to say,
"For about five years I thought I loved this girl but in hindsight she was terrible for me and I am over her or
This one time the family dog I hated ran away and I chased after it and carried it into my arms like a husband carries his wife over the threshold or
I sometimes cry for no reason when I listen to certain songs, like half of the songs on Third Eye Blind's new album or
I think you have the most beautiful eyes of all time and I am constantly blown away by how beautiful you are or
Kev and I hangout all the time and we love each other's company but we each really wish that Al was here or
I am not a saint and my brother once asked me if I regretted my decisions and how I thought they would affect you, and I answered, "I regret nothing"...but that was a lie...

But I couldn't,


So I said,
"Nothing"
And gave a lopsided smirk.



And we kissed.
It wasn't like a movie.
There wasn't any music in the background.
There was no spontaneous applause from an audience.
There were no profanations of undying love.

It was just a kiss
And it was enough for us.
And it got us where we needed to be

I wish I was a sharp knife, swing that blade right through my life

How do we tell if we are selling out on all our dreams or maturing? How do we tell if the things we always wanted to do were merely the ideas of a younger (different) person or something still worth reaching for? How do we tell if the life we are leading is as good as the life we wanted to lead?

Well, if nothing else, I am myself, and that's all I have to give.

And all that we call chaos
I will say it's by design
(But I'm just lying)

Rameriz - sitrep!!!

I'm here a week now... waiting for a mission... getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker...

I can't write. It has been a month since I've wrote anything of substance.
All the old standbys have failed. Music, reading, booze...the weather has almost helped...but it is this room. This room traps me. A windowless, lightless hell. I wake up - the clock says 9am (morning)...it could be 11pm for all I know. Light barely filters through these narrow, thick windows. Is it raining? It is shining bright? Has the world ended? I do not know...until I walk upstairs.

I cannot go on like this.

I have taken to watching movies when I go to bed now (I never needed this before!!). 'Sherlock Holmes' is a favourite. Holmes at one point says something close to "My mind rebels at stagnation, give me data, give me problems"

That is how I feel.

I need something to get my mind out of this rut. Books have not done it. I haven't been able to write. I do not want to demean myself to a nowhere job, but I feel unconfident about my chances at jobs I want. I am in between. I am liminal. Two paths are lay before me...the one I am one (alcohol, stagnation, dullness) or the path of action.



My fear




I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream; that's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor... and surviving.

the chase is on

I'm currently living my life as a true Sojourner. Couple of days at my sister's apartment, now the weekend in WI to see my sister get married. Sleeping on couches is not conducive to my productivity. I need a space to call my own. A place that is my home. Not just a dwelling space.
I need to move into my new place. Then, job hunt until I find something.
Also, ladyface and I came up with a list of things to do this summer. And I really like that, because I am afraid of just wasting my time indoors not doing anything. So, it is good to have measurable goals.
I want to write more...but this new (well, old...but new to this computer) B!F cd I just downloaded is giving me a lot of guff!!!

I had a series of dreams

I dreamed that the zombie apocalypse happened. We were on the highway and our car broke down, so I had to create a diversion while we stole another car and drove through a bunch of farmland to the one safezone left that was across this super long bridge. We were safe from the zombies there, but we were under smallarms fire from the other side of the river, but luckily, a new band of people seeking shelter took the gunmen from behind and slaughtered them. Turns out that they were from another safezone, but it also turns out that they were all children. The leader of this new band of refugees was then punished because even after the kids had surrendered he killed a bunch of them. However, before one child died, he informed the leader of this group that the pope was calling for a holy crusade to rid the world of zombies. This leader then raised an army of knights and was preparing to ride out...but it turns out that he wasn't even going. He had other plans than leading this most holy crusade.

I dreamed that Shiny Toy Guns was playing a concert in my living room. There were maybe 20 of us there...but it was awesome. Afterwards, I went from the concert to a bottle filling place where my friend Ben was working. We had to fill bottles up with beer, but the machine was all wonky and filled them mostly with foam. We prayed that we didn't get any of the underfilled ones when we bought beer next.

I dreamed that I was participating in a tournament. It was a gladiator-esque event but for the future. It was held in a 6 story tall building that had a big courtyard in the middle filled with all sorts of metal piping and such. We were released and had to find weapons in order to defeat everyone else. Last man standing won. It is important to know that the guns were not lethal but only stunned opponents. Anyway, this game involved a lot of me running around, spastic gunfights, jumping 6 stories from the roof into the courtyard while being shot at, and so on. By the end, I was the 2nd to last man left. Only the undefeated champion remained, who had not been seen all game. When he did emerge, he was not happy. We was at least 3 times my size, and he was pissed that I had done so well. So, he showed how he had remained the undefeated champion - he ignored the rules. I was standing in the courtyard, and he threw down a massive gas container that burst into flames. Half the building became an inferno. I escaped into the lobby where everyone was trying to flee out the front doors, when the Champion found me. I then determined in my mind to defeat him while following the rules - No physical contact - so that no one could accuse me of cheating or not earning the title. Besides, I knew that punching/kicking him would do nothing. So, while physical contact was illegal, apparently taking a metal bandstand and hitting him in the face was not...and that is how I won a 100 man battle royale.

busy times

I am sitting here wearing dress socks, athletic shorts, and a mostly unbuttoned collared shirt while drinking a can of Monster that has been sitting opened on the mantle for 2 days.
And so, I begin my life as a college graduate.

Growth is not measured in inches, feet, years, diplomas received, or awards won.
It is measured by the myriad of bruises, cuts, and pains covering your body the night after.
It is measured by the conversations you have in the dead of night on your front yard,
and if you are a bit too drunk to talk, it is measured by the width of you smile and the volume of your yell when you see a friend walk through the door.
It is measured by your willingness to live your life freely.
It is measured by just how much champagne got sprayed in your eye and by your commitment to not let the burning pain stop the fun.
It is measured by how many shots of tequila-absinthe you do in order to get your housemate drunk enough to make-out with a girl who likes him.
It is measured by how much you grin awkwardly and sheepishly say "Yeeeah, it's not a big deal" whenever someone says that you and your girlfriend are the cutest.
It is measured by the volume of the crowd when someone knocks the handle off of the kitchen sink faucet.
It is measured by the feeling of joy that only comes by being surrounded by your friends.

I don't know if I should laugh or if I should cry

Serendipitous fate/Divine humor strikes again.

I was writing an email to my Sen. Sem. professor with my final paper attached to it.
I wrote
It is finished
The last thing I will ever write for my undergraduate degree is now in your possession

I clicked "Send"

And Plankeye's "Goodbye" came onto my iTunes. At the exact moment I hit "Send", I heard the familiar opening piano and guitar.
I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. Maybe a bit of both.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrKT-Qv_mWA

goodbye, goodbye
walk away it's time to say goodbye

It's too late to apologize

I say "sorry" far too often. It is my immediate response whenever I do something that someone isn't 100% satisfied with. And because I overuse "sorry" so much, I think it is losing its meaning.
To me, the word "sorry" should only come in an apology. And apology is - a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another. Instead, I throw it around for the most trivial of reasons, so when the time comes when I actually need to apologize, the act of apologizing is too easy. It isn't something that weighs on me.

So, instead of saying "sorry" all the time, I think that I'll say "thank you" instead.
That way "I'm sorry I kept you up all night because I couldn't sleep" becomes "Thank you for staying up and talking with me last night, that meant a lot."
Or "Sorry I didn't do as well as I could have in X" becomes "Thank you for taking the time to correct me and help me learn/grow."

That way, the focus is on the other person rather than on yourself. You are thanking them for their action, rather than defending your own.

I know in Church, I have heard messages on being Other-centric, and while a lot of times the message is delivered in trite little cliches, there is still a powerful underlying truth to it.

That's just something I thought about last night.

Beautiful songs.

I firmly believe that Nick Cave is at his peak when he writes his softer, more intimate songs. Much as I love his more abrasive rock songs...they can get a bit over the top.
And to me...there is nothing more beautiful than him and a piano.

The Ship Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKlaV-9Vzsk


We talk about it all night long
We define our moral ground
But when I crawl into your arms
Everything comes tumbling down


Into My Arms
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MS4gRmvvDsU&feature=related

I don't believe in an interventionist god
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Oh, not to touch a hair on your head
Leave you as you are
If he felt he had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms

(all of the lyrics of this song are beautiful...but the first two lines always hit me)

Beautiful, lush Heavens
Echoing lightnings bloom
(in) Blue richness.
Fair joy,
Sweet garden cloud,
(my )Innocent child.

Dadaism (redux)

A dadaist reworking of "Love Constant Beyond Death" by Quevedo

Final darkness
Soul death
Yet memory burned cold
Severe

Muscle - veins - marrows
Body
Ash
Dust

I am...

5 pages done (so a little under a half of the minimum) and ideas are still flowing. Organization comes later.

I am also astounded as to how many things have fallen into place today.
Ladyface passed her exam, so she was happy about that. I thought about taking a break to go out to lunch, but that the Housemate could use it more. Went to Russ' but it was too crowded, so we went to Arnie's. We are standing in line...when who appears before me but Ladyface herself! Apparently, she was out to eat at Arnie's with a friend, so we all sat together!

And then, I was not planning on going to a friend's house for dinner because I had to work...but someone picked up my work shift, and my friend called 10 minutes later and invited me to dinner.

Also, I woke up to the sound of the rain and the thunder and Aiden's "Let the Right One In"...and it was a great start to the day.

Love abounds.

Rest

I am going to bed now. I could keep writing on this paper, but I've found that a good night's sleep is worth 4 all-nighters. Granted, this might not be a doctor's definition of "a good night's sleep", but my night can only go downhill from here. I've gotten 1/3 done with my paper, had some great conversation, and enjoyed life. What else is there?
Now, I am listening to Sufjan's "Chicago". But not for long. I drift off.

I've seen...

I am sitting in my room, working on my senior seminar paper (which is taking turns I hadn't expected), listening to the wind outside and to Anathema inside (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSdTjKfOlqA - one of the most beautiful songs ever written)...and I came across this.

"There is the crumpled note tacked to my over-tacked and -noted and -taped bulletin board which says, “Write the things which you have seen.”
-a friend

And I felt the need to do that. Because sometimes you need to remind yourself.

I've seen...

Two good friends get married to amazing men
The pain of a friend as she struggles through life
The pain of a friend who found out she had cancer
The laughter of a friend as we walked around her hospital floor.
People dirty and poor smile as if they were kings and queens.
Friends hold babies abandoned by their parents and shower love on those babies.
The look behind a baby's eyes, a child too young to speak, that says, "Please don't leave me."
How much I've grown.
Two friends fall in love.
The most beautiful sunset.

And one day, I feel I'll write stories about these moments in time.
But that is not today.
Instead, I have to wipe the tears from my eyes and get back to work. But work that I take joy in.


PS - Go listen to the song "Forever Lost" by God is an Astronaut. It is not nearly as sad as the title would suggest. In fact, all I feel is peace and hope when I listen to it.

I've got...

I've got a bottle of Dow's Fine Ruby Porto, a soundtrack, 12-15 pages to write, and 44 hours to go.

Edit 1 (10:18) - 2 pages in. Listening to Fear Factory - "I Will Follow (U2 Cover)". Done with the Port for the night (far too sweet for more than a glass or two).

something's out there

Some days, I just want to give into this kind of thinking


I'd rather sit back,
and just smoke cigarattes.
be the one with the loudest mouth
be the most closed minded that I could get

I could deal with this nonstop spinning world.

A most unproductive weekend. Terribly unproductive.
However, I did find what I will read for my senior sem. class.

(I grabbed Robert Frost off of the shelf, opened up, and was staring right at a poem I had never read before...but once which I knew fit perfectly.)


And now, here I am, staring at the last 3 days of classes and a load of unfinished, unstarted projects/papers/studying.


Tell me that I'm not so weak.
Tell me that I'm not alone.

But it isn't that bad. I am an expert at lying to myself. And it seems that I would rather sit back and philosophize and reflect than actually do some work.

How do you rest when you know you can't slow down?

And I don't even feel motivated to write this...I'm just doing it because I am desperate to do anything other than start my day and leave this room.

Awwww yeah

My name is Mikael "Motherfucking" Stanne. I am a great looking metal vocalist. I don't take shit from any one
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZ4lLhSf9-E

I'm inside, wrapped in a blanket...the window is open, the wind is blowing, howling through the trees, and making me colder than I should(could) be. I'm listening to AFI and drink gin-absinthes on the rocks.
It takes me back to Florida. It was late night, and I was out on my (my own personal...my room had this) balcony/sundeck. I had opened all the blinds/storm shutters and was sitting in the swivel chair. Not much later, I was just laying on the shag carpet. I had brought out a pillow and a blanket, in order to spend the night there. (I get in moods where I love to sleep on floors).
I was listening to music (AFI) on my computer and texting someone (well, two someone's if you have to be exact).
And this moment brings me back to that moment. I'm wrapped in a blanket, window open, wrapped in a blanket, colder than I should be, listening to AFI.
I could be texting...but I won't. There is no need.


It's strange how the minorest of things will remind you of something monumental.

insecurities

It's kind of funny (in a mostly sad sort of way) that virtually everybody has the same fears about life, yet we (I) still act shock when we find that out.
What I mean is this - I got a message from a someone the other day and this person said that they had a mini-freak out/break down about life in general the night before, but all they needed was a night of good sleep and a productive day.

My first thought was, "Wow, (name) had a freakout/breakdown about life? I never would have expected that. They always seem so in command, so confident."

But of course they freak out about life...everybody does. Its just human. And I'm sure there would be people who would be shocked to find out that I freakout/breakdown when thinking about the future all the time.

I keep asking myself if they realize
That their fears are really just the same as mine
Do they know all their insecurities
Are the same ones that are inside of me
As people come and go
Do they know they’re really not alone?

Dadaism

Ever since I was a child, I have done something which I only realized this year can be turned into artwork. It started at Church. I would get the program, and (I believe) to keep myself entertained, I would use a pen or pencil to trace over a given word in a sentence, so that it stood out. There was no rhyme or reason as to why I did this. I would simply pick words that I found visually appealing. Words that needed to stand out.
I've done that for years. And only in January did I learn about Dadaism and realize that...I am maybe making art.

Here's a poem from tonight

Sin spoke
Pale teeth
Arm outstretched
Truth withheld.

Or this

Rumor reconciled legacies
Aesthetic gives qualities
Interviews memorable
Remember impressions
Similarities classic

A fun one

The sometimes here educators all are American Scotch Calvinists


Or a serious one

Virtues of religion have opposite fortunes


Music

Melodic sounds spoiled
Either inter-contrapuntal counterpoint
Octaves together take that logical line
Simultaneously which happens as
Other problematic voice
Polyphonic complicated
represents intellectual implications convincingly

Lions make you brave

I had a great day. Finished a paper, went to class, understood the material, walked in the sunlight, work...
...
then I got home. I started thinking about this summer. How to pay for everything. How to get a job. How to volunteer.
And it was a bit overwhelming.

(Okay, it was 'panic attack' overwhelming)

I'm used to things just falling into place in my life. I'm not used to trying/working to make things happen. But from here on out...the most basic of things is going to be a struggle.

And while I was suffering from the panic attack, I started writing a resume, and it was terrible...but Ladyface texted me, and I kept on writing. And I have a good portion of my Resume written out now. And that's a big deal for me.

So here I am.
More fragile than I care to admit. More fallen than I wish. Weaker than I want to be. But as the old saying goes, "Fall down 7 times, get up 8."

Lions make you brave
Giants give you faith
Death is a charade
You don't have to feel safe to feel unafraid

I'm not the hunter, I'm not the marked
Just looking for wisdom in the dark

I'm terrified of growing up and being out of college. But I am also determined to beat that fear. And yes, it is going to suck - conquering my fears and insecurities - but it is something I can do. And I will find a job. And if that doesn't make me happy...it's okay - it's not my Vocation. I'll just volunteer somewhere. Or spend my time writing. Or write a story about some orphan children in Ukraine.

I'm learning how to get up off my knees and all takes is practice


Be ready on your feet
No matter the trouble you meet

How to spend a day

What started as a pretty shitty morning/afternoon ended up being a great night.

I was still feeling morose at 5 when I called Ladyface. However, she came over holding a pan of brownies. Guess who has two thumbs and is in a great mood? This guy! And then we made some chicken alfredo. Nothing to fancy - two chicken breasts, green/red peppers, carrots, on top of fettuccine, smothered in alfredo sauce. Garlic bread on the side. It was simple yet delicious. Loafed on the couch for an hour, just talking.

And this next sentence will maybe blow the lid off of your reality.

I should have been dating a lot sooner because having a gf really helps out my desire to study.

Yeah, scope this - after dinner and conversation, we both totally did homework for like...3 or 4 hours straight. I did all of my senior sem. reading, wrote the discussion post. And that is a big chunk of work done for the week. Now I just have two weak-ass papers that I can hammer out in a couple hours of concentrated effort.
It is just nice to have someone beside you, not distracting you, but there to be a distraction if you need it. Someone who is working studiously which in turn makes you want to be extra studious.

Again, I always come back to the band Haste

Turning bad days into better nights.
Waving smoke out the window,
catch my hand against the background of night.
Dragging fingertips through constellations.


Something about that line - turning bad days into better nights. That's what today was.

The night starts here

Sometimes, the simplest things really brighten my day. I've been in a funk all day, skulking about, doing nothing. Even cleaning the house didn't make me feel any better. It was bad.

But then I called ladyface, and she said "Hello dear", and it was the cutest thing of all time. And she is making brownies, and we are going to eat food in an hour.
And I am listening to Stars.

And I'm still a bit mopey, but it is great that there are people out there who are happy. And how they can unintentionally brighten someone else's day. Or how you find that one album that brightens your spirits, even if just a bit.

[Of course, none of those things will write papers for me]

4 words for you

4 words...
...
Calm
the
fuck
down.


You can sit here wondering all day.night. Worrying. Not knowing.
Or...you could sit here all day.night focusing on other things. Not worrying. Rejoicing. Being productive. (still) Not knowing.

Either way, there is no guarantee. So just chill out, have a little trust, and see what happens.

time traveling blues

Nobody puts me in the fuckin' zone like Orange Goblin.
You know that place I'm talking about.
When you are just sitting back, nodding your head to the music.
Feeling on top of the world.
Soaking in every guitar note.
An auditory slow dance.
Intimate.

All day with this song (I think it is the piano in the background. It transports me to a smoke filled bar...more of a saloon. Crusty, dirty, but everyone is together.)
"Time Traveling Blues"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1C2hgivqwJ8

Oh baby, my time has come
I'm gonna step aboard this ship today and head for the sun
Don't know what I'll see there
Don't know what I'll find
But baby, I'll be happy if I find a peace of mind

today yesterday tomorrow.

I am wear shorts, rocking scraggly facial hair, barefoot, listening to The Postal Service, about to grill-out. My life is pretty sweet.

Last night, I worked on a paper, got halfway done with said paper, went to a party, didn't get drunk, hugged my friends, lay out on the grass with a lady, listened to the rain fall, watched the cat watch the rain, told myself to calm down, slept peacefully. Last night was pretty sweet.

Tomorrow I will, finish up on previously mentioned paper, finish up a different paper, eat leftovers, make some chicken alfredo for a certain sweet lady, drink a little bit of wine, continue doing homework. Tomorrow will be pretty sweet.

Music for writing papers

I'm all about instrumental electro/industrial/drum'n'bass music when writing papers.
Albums I intend on listening to all weekend long.
Test Dept's - "Tactics for Evolution"
Amish Rake Fight's - "Fellow Prisoners"

3 weeks....

I may have fallen out of love with industrial music, but sifting through some old Celldweller today, I came across these lyrics


Don't back down
Holding on until my hands and mind are bleeding
Don't back down
This is my birthright
Don't back down
I'm so sick of feeling like I''m helpless
Don't back down
This is over tonight

Don't back up, your ass is to the wall again and
Arent you sick of wasting so much time?
Yes it's true you're a fool if you think you were born to be waiting while you're hating what you're waiting for

Yeeeeah, I need to buckle down for these last 3 weeks and get shit done.

pubcrawl '10 recap

PubCrawl '10 was a success. Except for the part where I stepped in someone's vomit. That pissed me off.
Started off at the BOB. Al and Kev stuck mostly to beer. I branched out. Cosmo-sangria-beer-wine. Rooftop view of the city. Lounging in the sun. Sister came out. Very nice waitress.
Walked to Tavern on the Sq. Not quite feeling it yet, though the wine was getting me there. Sit down, Whiskey-coke? Check. Double order of fries and buffalo wings? Check. Czechavar, shocktop (waaay too orange tasting), and French Kamikaze shot. Ouch, now I'm feeling it.
Part ways with sister. I like that she came out.
Gardella's. Where did all these green shirted Calvin people come from? Sipping on a 7-7 while seeing some fabulous people. Way too small, way too crowded bar - pop over to Hopcat (not part of pubcrawl) after helping Kev finish his newcastle.
Get a random beer...(it's starting to get hazy, no?) Talk with those good friends. Summertime coming up. We're hanging out. Talk about girlfriend (I have got to stop being so excited and smiley whenever I talk about her to other people). Part ways for a while.
Drop Kev off at Dancing in Rosa Parks. Freak out at all the people dancing in unison. Lie on grass with Al. Girlfriend arrives. Walk to McFaddens. Not entirely sure if I had a drink here, we were only there for a minute before heading to the Tap House. Long Island arrives with a jello shot. Buy a round of PBR for the table (Except Nak who can't drink wheat - FUUUUUUUCK, everytime).
Calvin girls can be super skanky. Maybe another drink(?) [funny how all the writers are concerned with the accuracy of memory]
Bathroom. Smell puke. Look down. THE FUCK IS THAT? Stepped in puke...FUUUUUCK. Blow dry shoes. Come back in a rage, leave that shitty place.
Gardellas again!! 1 dollar shots!!! Have 3 or 4. They aren't 1 dollar. I'm not paying. We left for Flanagans, but we are obviously flagging. A tired defeat setting in.
Flanagans. Have another drink (people told me I did. See SBults08. We talked, but I mostly was just pumped to see him. Defeat...we've been bested.
All of us walk to Girlfriend's car, await evac. Help coming soon. Maybe sneak off into parking garage to kiss.
1. I get super touchy when drunk and love kissing
2. If people can't see us, they don't know what we are doing.
[everyone knew]
Evac shows up. Spirits revived with Taco Bell. Be rowdy and loud in a group while nomming on TB. Kev and Al get a ride home. I sleep there.
Wake up with the most pounding headache and worst charnel house breath. Oops....sorry. Theo-cat paws at glass window. WHY!?!?
Girlfriend makes eggo waffles. Fuck yes my life.

3eb

Life flashes by in an endless plane crash

Last night, I saw one of my favorite bands play. Third Eye Blind. 14 years since their debut album...and they still rock it. It took me hearing some of the songs live to fully appreciate how much I love their new album.

I swore I'd never be
Who trades his dreams for security
Lately it's a little hard for me to see
Lately it's a little hard for me to believe

I rocked out. I got rowdy. I loved it. I screamed.
I realized that I have amazing friends (a recurring motif in this blog, no?)
There's this girl I know who cuddles with me, despite the fact that I'm drunk. And she loans me sweatpants so that I can sleep comfortably. And she is generally just radtastic beyond belief. And her cat sleeps in the closet.

Oh we could live like kings
We could take a risk

I got off of work and came home, and there were my neighbors, on my porch. And we decided to drink and hangout for 3 hours. It was beautiful. Champagne, Mikes Hard, garbage whiskey, gin, china drink....we had it all. Cigar, pipe, cigarillo. We lived like kings. And then we made quesodias (spelling on this word?)

And now, I am going to fall into bed. And sleep deeply, And dream of the life I'm living right now. Because, can it get better than this?

Better hurry up now if we're ever going to find
What we're living for

I won't close with that line. I'll close with this one.

Evermore
Rejoice evermore

My favorite Kill Hannah song. Sadly, I've never seen them play it live.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LudsiVEPsPc

It always helps when I feel like this. Empty. Hollow is a better word. I feel numb. Just watched "Where the Wild Things Are". Start to finish I hated it. I hated it because it reminded me of being a kid. It was too accurate in its depiction. Of loneliness. Of helplessness. Of escapism.
I had a panic attack watching the first few minutes. All I wanted to do was curl up and sleep or storm out of the room and walk forever in the rain. But I forced myself to stay. An act of maturity or of masochism?
And now I feel as though I've been gutted. I am blank, hollow, exhausted.


and we're running out of here
prepared to throw ourselves off somewhere
i'm lightheaded and can't explain
i'm lightheaded and can't explain

mewithoutYou (again)

I know I've said this time and again, but I feel the need to reiterate.

mewithoutYou is one of the most fantastic bands out there. I think the honesty and truthfulness of the lyrics is astounding. It connects with me on a very deep level.

"Oh, but I'm so small I can barely be seen... how can this great love be inside of me?"
(Look at your eyes.... they're small in size, but they see enormous things.)
"Oh, but I'm so afraid" or "I'm set in my ways"
(But He'll make the rabbits and rocks sing His praise.)
"Oh, but I'm too tired, I won't last long."
(No, He'll use the weak to overcome the strong!)

melancholy

sometimes, for no reason, I just am stricken with a melancholy.
(this post seems so familiar, as though I've written it before)
I had a great day, life is good, and yet...for the past hour, I've just been getting a sinking feeling in my chest. I feel like I need to tell every single person I know that I love them, and just how much they mean to me.
Because, I can be bad at letting people know how much I care about them.
And even people I don't know all that well...they still make a big impact on me, and my life would be lessened without interacting with them.
I guess it's just one of those nights where you want to curl up into bed and be enveloped by its warmth. To sink into peaceful sleep. To wrap your arms around someone, to have them wrap their arms around you. To not speak a single word to them, nor they to you. Just to feel them hold you a bit tighter as they kiss you on the forehead. The kind of embrace and kiss that dispels every doubt and worry.



We are living in misery
But we have to hold on...

naivety

I may be the most naive person I know.
I'm trying to live my life based on relationships, not on the things society thinks I should base my life on - status, money, security.
But here's the thing...it's a lot harder to live your life like that.
It would be so easy for me to make the easy choice.
Part of the reason I'm not going to Korea is because it is the easy choice. The choice I am expected to make.
What are my reasons for wanting to go there - I can make money, it buffs my resume, and it is a crazy party scene.
(not that any of those things are bad in and of themselves)

The harder thing is to stay here in Grand Rapids.
Not just to stay here though, but to actually do something while I am here.
To help people.
I've always been taught that you have to go overseas to help people.
Church mission trips are always out of state, out of country, for a short time to people you will connect with for a brief time.
(Like a bright burning flame, it fades the quickest)
Maybe churches should focus more on going across the street than to China.

But it is not my intent to criticize the church.
Apostate that I am, I have no right to tell them how to act.
All I can do is act in accordance with what I think is right.
And right now, all that means is being close to the people I love and going out and helping people.

Energy (is you)

I have a problem.

Tuesday nights, I have my Senior Sem class. And normally, I am pretty tired. But alwaysalwaysAlways during the last 45 minutes of class, a nervous energy overtakes me. Almost hysterical. I can't focus, it is hard to think, even speak. Shaking. The desire to explode with energy. To slam my fist down on the table and yell. To let go completely.

I always want to write afterwards, but it is difficult. Spelling goes out the window, my fingers are sluggish...can't keep up with the furious pace I neeeed to write at. Logic, thinking, coherency go right out the window. I am a wreck. Every idea is a possibility.
I mostly just want to hurl a can of paint at the wall, a blank canvas, and have all my ideas at once. Instead, I must write, word by word, line by line, linearly. In order. What if I don't want order? What if I am the Underground Man? What if I want to write in 3 dimensions, rather than in two?
An architect of reality.


* * *

Listening to the White Tie Affair's new single - "You Look Better When I'm Drunk"


A little less thinkin' and a lot more drinkin' -
That'll work for me tonight, oh, oh
When the room starts spinnin' and we start sinnin',
I begin to realize-

You look better when I'm drunk,
You look better when I'm drunk,


Heyyyy DJ spin the soundtrack to bad decisions
And these drinks, make me, lose my self control,
Heyyyy DJ spin the soundtrack to bad decisions
And these drinks, make me, lose control,


New party anthem.

Drinking gin to calm the nerves. Time to focus on something else. Freaking the hell out.