Two things...

One, I love my family very much. Especially my brothers. Growing up, I was always closer to my sisters because they were closer to me in age...but as I got old, my brothers became more and more important to me. And now...they are what I emulate, to a certain degree. I am the youngest out of us three...so I always look up to them. They both affect/shape me in different ways.
But now, I wonder if maybe I maybe not the wisest? I have both their knowledge...what if I have assimilated it more fully and understood their lessons better than they have?

Brother
In your eyes I was the stronger
So how am I to cover you now
Without shadowing your path

Two, I love you. As simple and complicated as that statement is. It means that I want what is best for you, that I will strive to help you flourish, that I will celebrate when you do, and hold you when you cry. It means being a friend - the kind of friend you always wanted - the kind of friend you always wanted - the kind of friend you wanted to rely on.

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love." - Sophocles

Katatonia

I find this line infinitely beautiful and meaningful

How cold is the flame
Of our uncompromising future

It is off Katatonia's "Night is the New Day" album, the song 'The Longest Year'.

My brother doesn't really like this album, and when he asked me why I like this album so much, I pointed to this song, to this line.

To me, these lines speak about stagnation...the fear about the fire of life turning cold in the face of a future that is uncompromisingly bleak.

How cold is the flame of the world that does not seek to better itself?
How cold is the flame of the person who gives in to what is expected of him?
How cold is the flame of those who turn away the people they love in order to feed their addictions?
How cold is the flame...



And I would freeze if you ever asked me

Since I am 98% positive that you don't read this (aka - in case of death, break the glass)

I am far too much like my favourite poet - John Donne. He obsessed over Death. He had his funeral portrait taken 3 (I believe) years before his death in 1631. But much as he thought about, wrote about, obsessed about death...he did not fear it - as found in his "Holy Sonnet X" - the famous "Death, be not proud..." sonnet.
But, still, I worry about death, a lot. I've known several friend/acquaintances/etc... who have been killed expectantly. A drunken driver, cancer, head trauma...

...this post is just in case something happens.

You chose

Over the Rhine - "I Want You to Be My Love"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjdoxXPtYgY
I want you to be my love
'Neath the moon and the stars above

I chose
Anathema - "Dreaming Light"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mY5cTG0wKYE

Suddenly, I don't have to be afraid
Suddenly, it all falls into place

And you shine inside
And love stills my mind like the sunrise
Dreaming light of the sunrise
Dreaming light..

Still one of my favorite music videos/songs of the decade. It always takes me back to Bosnia. 'Safe Are Gorazde', my time spent in Sarajevo...the stories I've heard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDbXqP7z-Uc

And I pray for peace...

"There's no music on my radio..."

(i don't want to go out, I want to stay in)

I've been in a real slump as of recently.
But I realized something...it is up to me to get out of this depressive slump of mine. It is imperative that I do. Otherwise I'm going to miss out on a lot in life.

I've decided to go to Law school...and that is going to be a lot of work. I mean, even the application process is daunting. But no one is going to apply for me, so I need to man up and get to work, regardless of how listless and lethargic I feel. It kind of sucks being an adult sometimes...let's be honest.

And one thing that does put me in a good mood is The Ting Tings' new song "Hands"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ms1C5WeSocY

So much electro/synth/dance goodness.


Also, next time I live in a house, I am going to live in a house not based solely on whether or not the rent is cheap, but on whether or not I can see myself thriving artistically in that house. I put a lot of value in my surroundings, and the current house I am living in just has no soul. I feel uninspired. I hate the aesthetics of my room, of the whole house.
Of course, I can't blame my entire artistic slump on my environment. Part of art is just showing up, and I haven't been doing that.

(I wish it wasn't so)

I always come back to music. Always.
Recently, I've been into the band Khoma they are the perfect outlet during this Autumn period. During this time of discontent. Not screaming, but a voice pleading out. Music that longs for an answer. Plaintive, questioning...

I am in a world full of racism, a world full of sexism, a world full of murder.
A world full of hate, lust, disease, uncaring, apathy, failure, indifference, sex, lust, gluttony, greed, and on and on...

A world that is empty.

A world full of nothing that I want.

So I turn to Khoma for words...

"So I scream for air...in a world that is choking (I wish it wasn't so)"


And that is how I feel a lot of the time. Nothing ever changes. Politicians are all the same. The represent the same thing. They change nothing, while people die. And starve. Amd rot away due to disease. People die and politicians try to bring about "Change" that looks just like the status quo. And the poor die. And the innocent die. And the disenfranchised die. And the voiceless die.
They die.
Not metaphorically. Not figuratively.
They die in the very cold, physical sense of the word.

They will die and leave childrensistersbrothersspousesparents behind in their wake. And those individuals will never be entirely whole due to that loss.

And, if I ever had a major platform from which to spread this message, I would say this


I've waited to come here, to see what you look like. You look just like me...(please don't panic, don't hit the alarm)

technicality

I love the song "Mouth to Mouth can think of when I listen to it on their album "Wake Up the Sleepers" is just how much better it is live!!
Because on the album, there is the female guest vocalist Chibi from The Birthday Massacre (another band I enjoy) who sings the line "Will you save my life in time", and she goes up...but live, Matt Devine slows the line down and goes lower (vocally). AND IT WORKS SO MUCH BETTER!!!!! And that is all I can ever think of.
And it drives me crazy!!!
And I almost can't listen to the song.

on the way back from the mountains,
stopped by the cemetery, drank to our youth
thought of our ages and stopped it
we blame our diets on changes in mood

It's Funny

It's funny how different music can remind you of different people/moments in time

For instance...

Fear Factory of Criss Angel - I'm leaving my best friends house in winter time when I am 12 years old
Soilwork - I'm in highschool and I'm driving back with my brother from a highschool Xbox LAN.
Hawthorne Heights - I'm a Senior in Highschool with my friends...
MxPx - I'm driving with my best friend of the time listening to "Slowly..."
Lights - I am with you at that time
Kat Perry - I always think of my favourite girl of all time
B!F - I'm back in Hungary...
Rosetta - I'm back in Hungary on the last night taking a walk from the XmasMarkt to the dorm
And on
and on
and on
......