Relationships matter

"I knew the people who worked for me... When you know people, you have to behave towards them like human beings." - Oskar Schindler

I once heard a story. It went like this - a Jewish man lived in Germany. He was a friendly man, and everyday he would take a walk, and on this walk, he would greet the local constable with a hearty, "Hello, Herr X."
The Nazis rise to power, and this Jewish man is eventually shipped off to the deathcamp. He is weak and feeble, but one one of the daily forced marches he recognizes an SS guard and shouts his hearty, "Hello, Herr X!" The guard responds in a friendly way, and the next day, the Jewish man is assigned to a much less severe/taxing position in the camp. He ends up living through the war, and when asked about it, he responded to the effect of, "A friendly greeting goes a long way."

* * *

I was young when I saw my first Holocaust Survivor speak. I was 14, maybe 15. Poppa Something (Golda?) was speaking at Harmony Cafe, and the girl I was interested in knew him and wanted to go see him. I still remember some of the things he said, 8 years later. I still remember the question I asked him. The major thing that I remember is when he talked of the local Christian kids throwing rocks at him and fellow Jews and generally treating them poorly. When QnA came around, I stood up, flushed in the face and nervous, "Did you ever harbor ill feelings towards those Christian children." The question wasn't half out of my mouth before he said, "Never. Not for one second."

As long as I live, I'll always remember that old, big, smiling, Holocaust surviving Jewish man answering my question with such sincerity and the lesson it taught me. He was treated as subhuman by these children, but never did he think worse of them.
A lesson in forgiveness. In humility. In grace/mercy.

The Space Between

This place is not home.

It took me some time to figure it out, but this is not home. Home was Sojourners'. Home was dingy carpets, a faucet handle that always fell off, late nights on the porch, our skeezy basement. Home was two years of good people and memories.

This...this is change. This is transitional. It is the place between homes. The place I live for a time before I settle in a place on my own terms. That does not make it bad, simply the place that came After.

My role shifts. I grow older, and things change. I see through a new lens. I see how I once was, how people once perceived me (though, I do not judge as harshly, because I know what the current ones are going through).

It's funny thinking about the Past. About change. About how much you depend on your surroundings.

It is also funny how much I (we, us, you) can be so content in the present, yet think so much about The Road Not Taken. About all those Maybes, Ifonlys, and Longshots.

I feel stuck between Past and Future. Stuck in this space between; this place known as the Present. Though deep down, I know it is a prison of my own choosing.

Choices

It's funny how much (seemingly) minor decisions affect the future (or is it the present?)
Example, a certain Ladyfriend and I are dating for some of the most ridiculous reasons.

In January, there was a costume party at her house. This is the only time I have ever really dressed up for a costume party, and I threw myself into my character with reckless abandon. My costume, you ask - the guy from "My New Haircut" vid (youtube it). Tight, collared shirt; fake tan; sunglasses; fifth of Jaeger...I'm good to go.
Get to party full of Jaeger and (more importantly) a false bravado stemming from the character I am playing.
See cute girl who I have always crushed on. Think, "Fuuuuck...I ain't got shit to lose and nothing to prove" so strike up conversation. 20 minutes later, it is hazy, but we end up kissing..
Awesome.

A few weeks later, realize that Layfriend is someone you want to get to know, not just have sweet makeouts with. Not sure if it was just a one night fling or what. Send facebook message with reckless abandon saying (paraphrased), "Hey, we madeout, but we should hangout because I like you."
Wake up next morning petrified because of your audacity. Fuckfuckfuck. Think about moving out of state, changing name.
Get reply, "I'd like that."

Awkward dates ensue. Spring Break occurs. Ladyfriend ends up 2 hours away from me. Late night text that says (paraphrase), "You are inland...I am at private condo with a beach, hottub, and pool - come swimming!" Ladyfriend relents, gets friends to come.

Ladyfriend and friends show up. Wine on the veranda. Games. Games. Wine. Late night walk to the beach. Walking back, Ladyfriend jumps in the pool...no one else jumps in, but I know I have to. Jump in fully clothed (and I could never break the surface of the water without jumping in). Late night talk. Wake up still a bit unsure of what relationship status is...go for handhold in front of her friends.
Boom, success. Most amazing Ladyfriend of all time acquired.

And while it may just sound that I am bragging about my Ladyfriend, I am doing more than that.

The point is, if any one of those steps/actions was removed, this relationship may not have happened - ergo, I would not be who/where I am right now. What if I had a different costume the fateful night? What if I never sent a facebook message asking to hangout? What if I didn't text her while on SpringBreak? What if I didn't jump in the pool?

Choices have the most unforeseeable consequences. But this experience taught me to be a little more reckless. Or, at the very least, open to the idea of break out of my shell and taking a risk.

Summer playlist

I love making playlists. In high school, I would make mix cds for my friends all the time. Invariably, I would make a cd, give it to a friend, and kick myself 30 seconds later for not including X song.
Anyway, here is a playlist of the songs that I've been listening to heavily this summer. It is short and only consists of two bands.

(In no order)

A Wilhelm Scream - "Fun Time"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYjuK5_fbaA&feature=related
It's about being with friends and cutting loose. It's about drinking and being crazy. It's about being a bit crazy...but knowing that it is okay to be a bit crazy.
Nothing to be embarrassed of
Gonna shout till my voice cuts out

Third Eye Blind - "Bonfire"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_MvEpIpEUQ
This is my summer anthem. It is a song about change. It is about transition. Things are changing, but that is the nature of life. It is about love. I saw 3eb play this song live...they ended their set with it - I almost cried. It ended with the band stopping all their instruments and singing with the crowd "Did you get what you wanted?"

Everything's changing now





And lightning comes and lightning goes

And it's all the same to me

Let it in

A Wilhelm Scream - "The Pool"
A song about alienation, about loneliness, about endings.
All my accomplishments are joined with asterisks,
so in a few years they're meaningless.

Third Eye Blind - "Dao of St. Paul"
A song about uncertainty. Something has ended, but there are still questions lingering. About the road not taken. But ultimately, it is all about hope.
And I tell myself what we're living for
And say rejoice evermore

It's a great thing to have friends who understand you and who care about you.
It might even be the best thing.

I think I'll hit restart on Sunday.
But for today, I think I'll just sit in my room and listen to Rilo Kiley.


I do this thing where I think I'm real sick
But I won't go to the doctor to find out about it
Because they make you stay real still
In a real small space
As they chart up your insides and put them on display

They'd see all of it, all of me, all of it

Every time I doubt where I am/what I am doing in life, something brings me back to my senses. And then I realize that I am choosing this path for a specific, certain, concrete reason.

There are infinite paths in life. To Borges, life/existence was a garden of infinitely forking paths. There are an infinite number of paths I could have chosen in life...but I chose this one. And I intend to follow this path until there is a compelling reason to leave it. I've left so many things in my life half completed or unfulfilled entirely. Not this.

I'll be here until I can close my eyes and watch the stars explode.

the full story (READ THE STORIES BELOW)

i’m afraid I have some of the worst news that has ever hit our lives. It’s almost impossible to even type this update. A few nights ago, Matthew walked from my apt. a block and a half down the street to meet a friend for a drink. half way there he saw a man severely beating his wife. Being the most amazing, strong, heroic and incredible person I know.. even though the guy was twice his size, Matthew intervened. He managed to subdue this guy for a second and since his wife was beat up pretty good called the cops.. as he did so the guy jumped him from behind and beat him. This guy did things I can’t even type. After words, he and his beaten wife left Matthew unconscious on the street. Matthew is in the hospital with a third of his skull removed as we wait for the swelling in his brain to go down. I’d rather not share any additional information at this time besides the fact that he acted as a hero (as he always would in any of these situations) and is paying a horrific price. Please send all your love and good energy and vibrations to him. I’ve been and will be next to him throughout the entire recovery process. We don’t know enough yet details about how that will develop.. but it has shocked, stunned, disgusted our best friends, family and band (which are both). The world can be evil beyond belief and as much as we want this evil eliminated, right now our hearts heads and energies need to go to my best friend, soul mate, hero, and angel, Matthew. Love you all and will be in touch as soon as I can muster up the emotional energy to reach out again. Please, be safe and peaceful as we get through this impossible time.

Nathan

READ THE POST BEFORE THIS ONE

No, fuck this. I've never been a strongly principled man...but this issue makes me.

Violence against women is one of the worst acts on this planet.

I've witnessed it first hand.
Seeing a woman beaten isn't even remotely academically fascinating. It is nothing but the lowest kind of violence or bully-ism. Men who hit women are in the lowest level of scum on this planet.

If I ever heard of a guy hitting a girl friend of mine...that shit would spiral so far out of control for him. That is inexcusable. No circumstances mitigate a situation like that.

I Pray I'll never see another woman hurt before my eyes.

A true hero (PLEASE READ)

http://www.sweetrelief.org/news/sweet-relief-helping-raise-money-matthew-leone-madina-lake

This post isn't about me. Rather, it is about something/someone truly important.

Matthew Leone, the bassist for the Chicago band Madina Lake, was seriously injured a number of days ago. He saw a man beating up on a woman, and he intervened. He tried to calm the man down, and at first, he apparently succeeded. However, when he turned to see how the woman was doing, the aggressive man attacked him from behind - attacked him so severely that Matthew ended up in a coma.

Matthew took a stand against abuse, specifically abuse against women. Violence against an individual in general is deplorable, but violence against a woman is inexcusable. Matthew took a stand. He came in as an outsider and tried to stop an act that he knew was wrong.
Though he was hospitalized for his actions, his brother said something to the effect of, "Once Matthew gets better, if he ever saw something similar happening, he would step in and stop it with no hesitation."

Matthew Leone is a hero. In an age marked by cynicism and apathy, he took a stand. That's why I am asking everyone (all 2 of you) who read this blog to donate 10dollars ($10) to help Matthew's medical expenses. He has no medical insurance. He is a bassist in a small/middling sized band....he cannot afford a serious injury like this. However, he stood up for something fundamentally right, and let's help him for that.




My last night in Hungary, we left the club and were waiting for the bus to take us home. We were standing there at the bus stop when we saw what we thought was two guys horsing around and having a joke fight.
It wasn't a joke fight.
It was a joke beating up his girlfriend. He smashed her head against a brick wall several times. We all rushed over. We broke up the fight...but they ended up leaving together. We couldn't do anything to stop it. It tore me up;; still tears me up. I went home pissed off, punched a wall, nearly shattered my hand, and swore that I would stand against violence against women.
I've rarely, if ever, taken a hard stance against anything in my life. Domestic violence is something I will always fight against. Always.

http://www.sweetrelief.org/news/sweet-relief-helping-raise-money-matthew-leone-madina-lake

Lists

I think I'll rank my favorite LTJ albums, going from first to last

1. Anthem
2. Borders and Boundaries
3. Losing Streak
4. Hello Rockview
5. B Is for B-sides
6. In With the Out Crowd
7. GNV Florida
8. Pezcore


I like making lists. I'm not sure why. Maybe it has something to do with the definitive nature of lists. They quantify. They provide concrete evidence. In short, they are not vague or unknown.

As they walked aimlessly under the halogen lights that lit up their town, all he could think about was how funny it was just how closely his life mirrored every Less Than Jake song. He just laughed a kind of nervous laugh. She looked at him questioningly, so he said, "It's funny how life turns out."
But what he really thought was, "Soon, this moment will be nothing more than a moved on memory."
They turned back onto Monroe St., and neither of them remember that moment. Or maybe, they both remembered it, but neither would admit it to the other.

And I swear it's the last time and I swear it's my last try
and we'll walk in circles around this whole block
walk on the cracks on the same old sidewalks
and we'll talk about leaving town
yeah we'll talk about leaving

we drove around this place all night
past closed signs and familiar sights
we're moving by passing time
counting those center lines
with 20,000 lines left to go
that lead to somewhere I don't know
it might be the time tha twe leave this all behind

Hey ma, look! It's me -

- much to young to focus but too old to see!

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All this meaningless direction feels like it pulls me away