"A Little Death makes Life more Meaningful."

I heard this phrase from a song and from and old roommate. And to me, it makes a lot of sense. All four of my grandparents are dead...even just writing that is hard, but it is true. The two I knew best died almost exactly a year apart from one another. And death really does make things more meaningful. I can still remember...both times, I was in a play at school. I got off from rehearsal to go the funeral. It was a bittersweet time - hearing about the times of their lives that I hadn't heard.....but skipping school for a death? I never cried out in front of anyone over the loss of my grandparents. I told my girlfriend of the time about this...she consoled me somehow, and though she and I aren't together anymore, I will say that in my darkest moments (my grandfather's death, a friend's suicide attempt, etc...,) she was there. If I learned anything from that relationship, it is to always be there for the people you care about.

"The Past is only the Future with the Lights On"

I've made a lot of mistakes in my time here on Earth. I avoid friends when they need me most, I manipulate peoples' emotions, I lie to get my way....but despite all of that, I know that people still care about me. I can be the best friend ever...but I can also be the worst. In spite of knowing that, there are people who stand by me through the worst of times. I can be a shitty person, I realize, but I hope that those people who have meant so much to me over the years will somehow feel that I can never thank them enough for what they have done for me. Love always,

-P

I got a feeling...

I was going to write a whole bunch of meaningful/existential stuff on here...but then I heard the Black Eyed Peas new single "I Got a Feeling", and all I can think about is - a.) How catchy it is, b.) How much it epitomizes my "Live the Dream" philosophy.

Tonight’s the night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Let’s spend it up

Fill up my cup
Mazal tov
Look at her dancing
just take it off

Lets paint the town
We’ll shut it down
Let’s burn the roof
and then we’ll do it again


And I definitely did that this past weekend. Stayed mostly in control. Realized that even if I want to make a move on a girl, I don't want to be "that guy", so I never do. Also, if a girl does seem interested in me, she is usually way too subtle/won't really let me know what she wants, so I don't know how to progress. Oh party politics...

Fuuuuuuuu

You know what sucks? Finding someone who you are like, "Wow, this person is amazing, I wish I could date them", but then, because of distance you will never have that chance. It isn't just because you don't have the balls to tell them; rather, something is standing in your way. And it is bullshit. And you will always wonder. Because...they are so fantastic and totally meld with your personality and keep you interested...

We live as fast as we can

Ahhh...the bliss of being 21. I spent my 21st with BrotherJohn in Madison, and I honestly can't think of a better person to have spent it with. Beyond the drinking and partying, it really made me remember that I have a pretty kickass family. I mean, if I didn't have John as a brother, my life would be radically different than it is now. So, I'm totally thankful for him and every single one of my family members, even if they can be a bit much at times.

Spending time in Appletown made me totally thankful for my friends. I know some of the greatest people in the world, and I feel sorry for everyone that doesn't know them. I wouldn't be the person I was today without my friends. I may not be the best of friends at times, but you've all stuck by me even if I was being a jackass or going through a rough time.

So, to steal from a friend of mine - I thought I'd thank some of my closest friends.

Sranwrap - You are quite possibly one of the most fabulous people in the world. I was thinking the other day of how we first met and how it was quite possibly the most awkward meeting of all time. Still, I have so many amazing memories with you, that words are literally too inadequate to convey just how much I cherish you and all the times we've had together. I can't wait to see where you end up in life, but wherever you go...I hope I'll always be able to pass out on your kitchen floor.

Skeletor - I don't even know where to begin with you. I've looked up to you all my life and getting to really know you over the past couple years (since I've gone to college) has been fantastic. Tomfoolery. shenanigans. and good times always abound when you are near, but I always feel like I can ask you any question, no matter how serious, and you will give it an articulate answer. You've always been great to me, and I can't wait to live you again...just as long as you don't push me into anymore GI Joe boxes.

Gremlin - I echo your sentiments when I say, "Why the hell didn't I meet you sooner?!" But like you, I think we met each other at the perfect time in our lives. You are another one of the few people I know who I feel like I can ask any question and not feel like a jackass, and that means the world to me. You are hilarious, articulate, and are the most quotable person I know. I may make you a worse person, but you inspire me to be a better person...so hopefully we'll meet somewhere in the middle and end up being perfect. Regardless, when I finally move out into the real world, I'm always going to look back at the Sojourners' period of my life as a golden age because of you and the other people that made this place so rocking.

Whiskey - I don't know what to say without sounding suuuuper homoerotic, but I'll give it a try. I've only really known you for...less than a year? but it feels like I've known you for so much longer than that. I think it is insane how alike we are, and although it canbe frightning sometimes, it has been super helpful/fantastic to have someone like you around who I feel will understand my thought process and feelings and such. I tend to remember that although I miss the other two in our house when they aren't around, I get pissed when you aren't around because I generally have something hilarious/insightful/crazy to say to you. So get your ass back here and let's live the dream!

Kjae - You are another one of those people who it is kind of scary how similar we are, but again, that has been a source of comfort to me over the years, knowing that I'm not totally crazy and that someone else can at least relate. Looking in the past, I think it is pretty crazy that we are this good of friends now, but I'm super thankful. You are super accepting, something I value immensely, but I know you'd let me know if my behavior ever got too crazy or anything like that. You inspire me to be a better person, and you genuinely brighten my life, so thanks for everything.


That's all for now...I feel tired something fierce.

Heading home

I strapped my memories to my back. I'm leaving.
I'm already gone.
And I was on a train somewhere wishing sweet stings to you.
To make you never forget the poetry in wanting.
I want these days to hold you

"Standing Still Fast" - Planes Mistaken for Stars


This is one of my favorite songs of all time, and it always comes into my mind whenever I am about to go on a trip. Something about it just resonates with me. The first line in particular.

In any event, I'm heading home tomorrow.

Countdown

I turn 21 in less than 2 days. I'm going to spend it in Madison with BrotherJohn and his friends. Shenanigans will no doubt ensue. Here is a txt conversation between my brother and me.
J: We're going out thursday for margaritas and then apparently dancing our asses off
P: Sounds sweet! I'll try not to be a total trainwreck
J: Haha wrong! You will be annihilated!

I'm not sure if his last txt was an exhortation or simply a statement of fact. Either way, it'll be interesting to see where the night takes me.

I was thinking about writing a post about how much people can change over 3 years and shit like that....but nope. Not happening.


And so it begins.
It's the time of the season when
you're a man around town.
Imagination taking you where no
one else can.
Floating on sins that surround.
Count down to a dark town and so
it begins,

"Countdown" - Jupiter One

Prayers

I guess I don't pray very much anymore. And when I do pray, I often pray for inconsequential things like a zombie attack or the appearance of vampires. Something selfish.

But when I pray for real, I pray for peace. Peace for Baby Mamu and other abandoned children like him. Peace for people like Paige, who people would say she is going to Hell because she died not believing in their concept of God. That kind of peace.

I realize that I can come off as abrasive and uncaring at times, always wanting some new shit/excitement to go down. Honestly, I'd trade all my personal hopes and aspirations if the world would know a few months of genuine peace. Even a few days.

But that isn't going to happen. So it is up to me to go out and make a difference.



I think one of my problems in getting motivated in life is that I would listen to all these "special speakers" growing up at church or school or whathaveyou, who made it seem like I had the ability to perform miracles or change the world in powerful ways. To lead a new revival. To convert millions of souls.
But the thing is, as I've grown older, I realize, that is not going to happen. I mean, conceivably, it could, but it isn't. So rather than telling all kinds of hopeful, impressionable kids that they are going to accumulate all kinds of fame and miraculous powers, speakers should tell these kids that even if they live a pretty shitty life but end up making one child genuinely smile and feel hope...then they've changed the world.

Because really, that's all I hope for anymore. That I will make someone smile or ease someone's pain, if only for an hour. And even though it isn't the same and saving the world, it is still perhaps the most important thing that needs to be done.

Jaegermeister Tour review

Last night, I got out of work and hustled on down to the Intersection for a little concert fun!

I arrived a bit after 8, and the opener, Dommin, was already midway through their set. They played what I would describe as "Dark Romantic" (because "Love Metal" just sounds ridiculously stupid) along the lines of HIM and various bands of that ilk. Overall, they weren't too bad, and the crowd was obviously into them.

They were followed by Seventh Void, the Sabbath-inspired doom band fronted by Kenny Hickey (of Type O Negative). These guys were half the reason I came out to the show, so it was a bit of a bummer when the crowd thinned out during their set. Still, they put on a hell of a show. Also, Kenny had perhaps the best quote of the night when he said in his thick Brooklyn accent, "This next song is so heavy, you're going to shit your pants and forget your name for an hour."

After their 25 minute set ended, Kill Hannah took to the stage, the main reason I came out to the show. Now, I've seen Kill Hannah something like 5 times before, and this was probably the worst show I've seen them put on. It wasn't bad, but comparatively, it was lacking. Technical issues hampered guitarist Dan Wiese and bassist Greg Corner (neither of whom showed much enthusiasm on stage). However, singer Matt Devine gave one of his better performances - his vocals were solid and he took a fair amount of time to interact with the crowd. My favorite line of his from the night was, "Now, this is about show 4 on the Lacuna Coil tour....and I don't want to talk shit about anybody in Iowa or Oklahoma....but it is so fucking good to see civilized people with fashion sense. And teeth." Also, it was good to hear some of the new material that will be on the forthcoming album. "New York City Speed", "Acid Rain" (which they played last summer), and another song whose title I missed. All of them sound massive.

I only stuck around for a few songs of Lacuna Coil's, since I'm not a huge fan and had to work super early the next day. All I really remember is their male singer looking very Italian, sporting Musketeer-esque facial hair, and being waaaaaay excited/animated.

Overall, the concert was pretty mediocre. The crowd was super tame, and it seemed like the majority of the teenyboppers who were obviously there to see Kill Hannah only knew the newer material.

Copper and Stars

In this summer of Existentialism, I am struggling to find purpose and direction in life. Though I don't entirely know what I am going to do with myself, I know what I am afraid of - wasting my life dreaming and not living. Always wondering "what if". Always wanting, but never going after something.

and i don't want to say that i wasted my days chasing instead of catching keeping.
wasting wishes on copper and stars.

"Copper and Stars" - Planes Mistaken for Stars

so sing to me. to pull through. that we'll build to push on. sing you won't leave. until you feel summer on my face. sing, i'll sway

"Staggerswallowswell" - PMfS

Family Matters

So, BrotherJohn has been in town for the past week or so, living here while waiting for a wedding (which is tomorrow). It has been nice to have someone around, although he is spending a lot of time studying for the Colorado BAR.
When we do hangout though, we usually play a sweet boardgame called Arkham Horror (a Lovecraft inspired game in which we have to try to defeat an ancient evil before it enters our world). We also grilled out at his friend Justin's house last Sunday and watched "Punisher: Warzone" and "Taken". Yeah, basically we've just been kicking it, which is super sweet.

Anyway, I just thought I'd write to be like "Hey, my family is pretty sweet." Not all of us get along, and things can be awkward with the parents, but generally speaking, us siblings are pretty tight. And I enjoy hanging out with them.

On Dreams and Demons

If my dreams are to be believed, then
a.) Demons look a lot like the monsters from "Where the Wild Things Are"
b.) They cannot look at themselves in mirrors without recoiling in horror
c.) Covering them with Bombay Sapphire Gin and throwing a lighter on them is NOT an effective way to kill them
d.) They speak Slavic

That is all.

Harmonium

I'm currently listening to the album "A Natural Disaster" by Anathema, drinking a double shot of whiskey on the rocks. Kessler. American blend.
Anathema is great for reminiscing. Moody, melancholic, soft, introspective.
I spent this 4th of July mainly with my brother John and his friend Justin. We all went out for soul food at Sandmanns (on Wealthy St.) and rocked some bbq chicken. Afterward, John and I went back to Sojourners to watch "Beyond Reanimator". Mediocre film, but a good way to kill an afternoon. We then continued the Lovecraft theme by sitting down to a game of Arkham Horror. Justin came over and joined us near the end, though he couldn't help us stave off the awakening of Yog-Sothoth.
We then headed downtown for the fireworks. Found a decent parking spot, went in search of hotdogs - ended up finding hotdogs and tacos! Sat down on the bridge behind the most stereotypical white-trash family and waited for the fireworks.

4th of July always puts me in a weird mood now that I'm older. Growing up, the 4th was always such a great holiday because I was able to spend all day in Neenah with my friends. It was usually Sara and I hanging out, walking around town, meeting up with people, moving on, seeing other friends, and so on. Sitting in front of the lake to watch the fireworks. Something magical and timeless about that. But as that seems a distant memory now, and even though I wasn't alone this 4th, it didn't feel quite right. I know things will never be like they were in the past, but those memories and associations don't just go away. All I can do is cherish them and hope that future 4ths live up to them.

Ahh, the glorious month of July is here. And I've spent the past two days working. Class from 9-11.45, work from 12-2, work from 5-8. Racked up 12+ hours though in 3 days, which is nice. Maybe a hundred bucks, which isn't too much, but at least work has been a little more frequent as of late, and next week I should make a fair amount.

BrotherJohn is coming into town tomorrow for a wedding and then he'll be spending 2 weeks at Sojourners studying for the Colorado BAR. Hopefully we'll get enough people together for a board game night or two. But since he is coming, that means I have to clean the house - which is good, but daaaamn, I've let this place fall apart. I did so well for the first half of June, but I eventually just lost interest. And I'm finally going to clean out my car!!! Wow...I'm actually excited about that because it has been too damn long since Vissarion the Immortal has been clean.

Also, next week I'm stoked for the Seventh Void / Lacuna Coil / Kill Hannah concert. Lacuna Coil I can take or leave, but I'm excited to see Seventh Void. Kenny Hickey (guitarist of Type O Negative) is a good guitarist/vocalist. Hell, he essentially carries Type O's live shows since Pete Steele is too fucked up to play/sing with any degree of accuracy. And Kill Hannah is always killer to see, but especially since they have a new album coming out soon. The 3 songs I've heard them play live over the past year were epic, so I'm hoping that they debut a few more new ones.

Whoa....I'm gotten to the end of the post without the desire to engage in existential whiny horseshit. Am I turning over a new leaf? Oh wait...I got that all out today during my Am. Lit. essay exam. I was suuuuuper existential/emo for one question.

Here is my new life motto:

Don't trust a ho,
Never trust a ho,
Won't trust a ho,
(Cuz a ho)
Won't trust me.