Christmas is the holiday that I am always excited about...but every year I remember that I hate it. I hate going back to WI because every year I feel more disconnected and alien there. I hate getting presents, I hate feeling obligated to buy presents for people, I hate that I am so aloof around my family, I hate that I am being petty and selfish, I hate that I know I am being petty and selfish but not doing anything about it. I hate a lot of things about the holidays.

I hate (hate is a strong word - 'frustrated' is better) a lot of things. But what I don't hate are the nice engraved portraits of John Donne and William Shakespeare on my wall and my new leather bound journal with the sleek design on it.

My New Year's Resolution -
Write in the Journal every single day. None of that bullshit "I missed a couple days, so I'll make up for it." No. Honest to goodness write something in that journal 7 days a week, 52 weeks out of the year, 365 days total.
It can be anything - a summary of my day, the beginning of a story, a grocery list, the end of a story, a love note, a poem, a sketch.

Write.Write.Write.

My mantra for this coming year: Bear into the page with the weight of a thousand restless words.

I will give voice to everything. My hopes, my dreams, my fears, my frustrations, my theology, my philosophy, my romance, my faults, my failures, my successes...

I feel empty and drained. Frustrated at myself for being angry and petulant about things that I have no right to be angry and petulant about. But mostly I feel nothing right now.


Keep on polishing you'll hit the bone
All of you erased, empty and cold

A long, stream of consciousness

Winter is fast becoming my favorite season. The dark, the biting wind, the cold, the snow, the silence, the stillness, the mystery, the vastness, the grandeur.

I had a long and lovely day. But now, I am huddled in my room, blanket wrapped tightly around me, an ice-cold beer in hand, protected from the vicious weather, but able to admire its beauty.

(Traces in snow)
I always pair winter with liberal doses of Cult of Luna. Specifically, "Somewhere Along the Highway". Nothing speaks to me of vast stretches of frozen roadway at night like this album. The songs drag on just like the long cold night. Bleak as the frozen wind whipping through the trees. Moments of infinite stillness and peace broken by stark violence and fury.

(One moment can change everything)
I've never felt more in love than I did today. I spent my morning taking my LSAT. 5 grueling, dragging hours. An arduous task that left me drained, empty. Physically, mentally, emotionally. After such a taxing effort, there is nothing more beautiful in the world than climbing into bed with the person you love and just holding them tight. Something about both being exhausted and drained leads to a raw openness of emotion. The smallest of things brings about a smile or the desire to cry. The touching of cheeks, the tightening of her hand on yours, and gentle murmur of contentment made while half asleep. Every moment is sacred and cherished. The base and lustful impulses are gone, leaving nothing but the pure essence of one person's love for another. It is overwhelming. It is beauty.

(The landscape has changed. You don't recognize me)
Some friends of mine were up this weekend from Wisconsin. I always have to laugh at just how different some of us have become and yet how we are all the same. Still, I always wonder if I would recognize myself if I went and visited the 16year old version of myself. Am I who I wanted to be at that age? Have I done well by myself?

(Caught in a vortex between false perceptions and reality)
A friend of mine recently lost a lot of weight. She slimmed down enormously, and she just posted a note on Facebook that finally answered the question many people had been wondering - how she did it. I won't lie, I wondered, but I never asked. The answer, however, did not surprise. Through hard work. She shed over 100 pounds simply by having the will to want it and to change her eating and exercise habits to obtain it. She looks great, but to be honest, a part of me misses her old size. She was always there with a huge and a smile whenever I needed it. I don't think she realized just how much that meant to me, having someone like her envelope me in her hug. It was comforting. But her insides haven't changed, and maybe what I attribute to her physically big size is simply me thinking about how big her heart is.


Fall into sleep.
Rest your eyes.
Live amongst the shadows.
Walk through the light.
At last you're on your own.

I suffer from anxiety attacks. They are usually unprovoked, but sometimes I can induce them on my own by dwelling on an upcoming stressful situation.

I am taking my LSAT in less than a week now...and I began freaking out tonight. But two things calmed me down.
#1, my girlfriend texted me from her work 6 reasons why everything will be okay. That helped alot.
#2, there is a JRR Tolkien quote that I love. It goes, "Despair is for people who know, beyond any doubt, what the future is going to bring. Nobody is in that position. So despair is not only a kind of sin, theologically, but also a simple mistake, because nobody actually knows. In that sense there always is hope."

Despair is a sin...but more than that, it is a mistake, the most simple of mistakes!!! There is always hope. To give up before you've begun is sin and a mistake.

I won't do that.

I may very well do piss poorly on my LSAT, but I will give it my all. And if I fail, I'll simply try again.

WAIT!!

Found a sadder video...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Hl_NBTMELo

God this song/video makes me cry

Remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight
You never know what temporal days may bring
So laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the Lord

Still one of my favorite music videos of all time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYWOtugk204

Such a beautiful song...it always takes me back to high school and early college.

Winter Essentials

A work in progress.

Songs that I need in Winter Time
Kill Hannah - "New Heart for Xmas"
The Sisters of Mercy - "Driven Like the Snow"
Seabound - "Avalost"

Albums that I need in Winter Time
Rapture - "Songs for the Withering"
Soilwork - "Figure Number Five"