I am in a state that I am rarely in - blank.
I am worried about nothing, I am happy about nothing. I am not content, I am not sad.
All I am is sitting in my chair listening to music that is keeping me in this mood (though by writing, I am slowly beginning to feel again). I love the feeling of being totally blank every now and again (mind you, not too often). Usually, my mind is a mile a minute, and I am overwhelmed with emotions and passions.
But now, all is quite quiet.

Today has been perfect. I drove 5 hours and 40 minutes across three states, and arrived back in time to spend 2 hours with my girlfriend before she works this evening. There is nothing more beautiful or perfect or calming than snuggling up on a couch under a bunch of blankets with the person you love and just talking to them.
I read a book while sipping at a whiskey coke. It was a graphic novel, and the reason I love graphic novels so much is because I can read them in 1 sitting with no problem.
Now, I've listened to both The xx and Jesu...and it is perfect.

I've always loved Jesu, and in terms of verses I find captivating and beautiful and meaningful, the first verse of the song "Wolves" would be in my top 5 for sure.

Who are they
Are they a threat to our beliefs
So we descend upon them
Just like vengeful wolves

In four lines, Justin Broadrick has summed up a significant portion of the human psyche. We see people who are different than us, and we almost always implicitly ask ourselves, "Is this person a threat?" Wars are fought over the most trivial of differences and self-made divisions. Sexual orientation, skin colour, religion, tribe, political affiliation. We descend upon one another like vengeful wolves.

I'm not someone who believes in some vague feel-good spirituality or the notion that "all we need is love, man" or that all religions can get be reconciled into one. But thinking about the slaughter and harm we have done to each other over the most trivial differences (or even serious differences!)...it makes me sad. It is pointless. To kill or even injure someone because they are different than you in some regard is base and vile.

As a Christian, I was always taught that sex and/or homosexuality was the worst sin. No. Worse than that is to injure those who aren't exactly like you. Again and again, Jesus went out of his way to help or tell stories about people helping those weren't like themselves. If there is one thing I ever hope to really excel at, it is that message of Jesus - love those who aren't like you, and who the world tells you that you shouldn't love.

Ever thought from here on in your life begins and all you knew you was wrong?

If we all should die tonight, we should have no regrets.


That is my fear. That I will wake up, and realize that all the things I wanted in life are all the things I should have chased in life. That I should have thrown aside those things that held me back. That I was too afraid to chase every thought/dream I had. That I gave in. That I gave in to conformity and that my life is waiting to start.



But at the same time.


I know that I love. As deeply and as completely as anyone who has loved before me. And that is all I really need.


Did you imagine the final sound as a gun?
Or the smashing windscreen of a car?
Did you ever imagine the last thing you'd hear as you're fading out was a song?

What if?

What if you think you should have taken another path in life? What if you still love someone else? What if you want to be with someone forever? What if you just want to hold them for one last time?

What if
What if>

How do you make God laugh?
You make a plan.





Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news
Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their head
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die

For various reasons, this song always makes me cry. Especially at that last verse.

Sappy sentimental

I never really warmed to indie music until I was introduced to Stars, and I still only really enjoy their "In Our Bedroom After the War" album. Especially the song "My Favourite Book". I always listen to it when I get a bit sappy sentimental. And I've been sappy sentimental all weekend.

I went to a wedding this weekend, and it was one of the most beautiful weddings I've ever attended. The flower girl was adorable, walking.standingstill.throwingoneflower.repeat. My ladyfriend look radiant as a bridesmaid. But the part that really touched me was when after the vows between the bride and groom, the bride gave vows to the groom's 2 children. It was beautiful.
Of course, the rest of the wedding/reception was amazing (partybus, food, openbar, dancing, etc...) but the thing I really remember was the bride telling those children that she loved them and would treat them as her own.

And it made me sappy sentimental.

And so I listen to Stars.

"My Favourite Book"

And I always smile because my girlfriend has the shiftiest eyes of all time.


All the things you say
The way you shift your eyes
I never knew there was someone to make me come alive

Late Autumn mixtape

I always seem to get fixated on certain bandsalbumssongs during certain seasons/months. So, I thought I would just post 2 tracks by the four bands I have really been loving as of this unseasonably warm and beautiful late Autumn.

Not all of these songs will be to your taste, but at least check out the Anathema tracks...they are the kind of songs virtually everybody can enjoy.

Anathema - "Are You There (acoustic)"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuy8Ilqi9LU
Just a lovely song all around. A beautiful kind of sadness and melancholy felt after losing love.

Anathema - "Dreaming Light"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mY5cTG0wKYE
Another song about love...but this time it is about that pure feeling about being absolutely in love with someone. The kind of song you would imagine would play when a newly married couple walked down the aisle together or danced together for the first time

Rosetta - "Release"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIH4U7poyww
Summed up in the lyrics - the problem with Now is that no matter how much we want it to...it doesn't last forever

Rosetta - "Revolve"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ftw-33MMJgQ
A song that just builds, resonates with hope, about rebuilding, about reclaiming.

Katatonia - "Onward into Battle"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfrijAWtBSc
I love this entire album, and Katatonia do depressive rock so well...but this song is par excellence even by their standards. It is about struggling on, even though everything is going so wrong

Katatonia - "Departer"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g02DNyBLJo4
One of the saddest songs they have ever done. The line - brother, in your eyes, I was the stronger.... The familial aspect of Katatonia's lyrics always hit me hard.

Khoma - "Like Coming Home"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nrVCOCQ-FU
Metal love songs usually tend to come off awkwardly...but Khoma nails. A perfect mix of determined desperation. Breathing of you is keeping me calm...this ravaged world can't keep us apart

Khoma - "In it for Fighting"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBZ8aQVVzO8
The numbness you feel after you've fought for so long, the slow creeping doubt that maybe your cause is lost. You struggle on...losing more of yourself in the process

Zombies

I watched the first episode of the new AMC series "The Walking Dead" last night...and I have a couple thoughts

1.) Andrew Lincoln nailed not only the Southern accent (he is from England), but also the "cop swagger"
2.) Good use of him being shot/in the hospital during the zombie apocalypse - movies(tv shows) do this so that they don't have to waste a shit load of time explain/showing the zombie takeover.
3.) The nice use of realism with guns was heartening. Firing a Colt Python inside a tank would really lead to temporary deafness/disorientation.
4.) I like my girlfriend even more because she (at least theoretically) knows how to survive a Zombpocalypse. She voiced all three of these points during the course of the episode, all three of which are key to surviving.
a.) only 1 picture of your family/loved one/past.
b.) be willing to kill those closest to you that have turned
c.) MELEE WEAPONS!!! Don't waste ammo on targets that can be killed with a melee weapon)
~addendum - my biggest concern is that she has a fear of zombies (even slow ones), which I feel could incapacitate her in the event of a real outbreak.
5.) You never, never, NEVER go into a major population center. Even if the radio has said (in the past, I might add, before the radio went blank) that it is a "safe zone". You stick to back roads, rural communities, off the beaten track.
6.) Transport goes like this
a.) Cars/trucks - 'C', they can accommodate a lot of supplies and are sealed. Downside, they are also loud, require fuel, and cannot navigate blocked roads
b.) Horses - 'B', they can accommodate a rider but force a rider to travel light (a good thing), food source (ie - grass, etc...) is readily available, maneuverable. Downside, you better know how to ride one/have a saddle, can panic, can be loud
c.) Bicycle/any kind of "cycle" - 'A', they are faster than zombies, maneuverable through rubble, silent, easily repairable, readily available for replacement, require no food/fuel. Downside, can move only as fast as you can, not an enclosed space, lack of storage space (unless you find a four-wheeled bike)

a subject close to me

I'm reading right now about Nazi eugenics. Now, let me state that I categorically do not endorse anything the Nazis did...but I find this endlessly fascinating. As a social/historical study, Nazi Germany is never ending.

Consider this quote...
"Of the five identifiable steps by which the Nazis carried out the principle of "life unworthy of life," coercive sterilization was the first. There followed the killing of “impaired” children in hospitals; and then the killing of “impaired” adults, mostly collected from mental hospitals, in centers especially equipped with carbon monoxide gas. This project was extended (in the same killing centers) to “impaired” inmates of concentration and extermination camps and, finally, to mass killings in the extermination camps themselves."

What kind of sick logic leads a group of people down this path? Five stages, each worse than the last. Yes, Hilter was a monster, but he needed people loyal to him to succeed. A significant number of people had to believe in this (if not in this, then Hitler's policies) in order for them to be implemented.

Take Action T4 (look it up)...the Nazis killed "deformed" children and then adults. A small group of people arbitrarily decided who was worthy and who was not.

I could write more...but I am just to stunned by all of this. All I can say is a repetition of what Holocaust survivors said - "NEVER AGAIN"

Being in love is pretty much the greatest thing ever. But there are some downsides...

1.) You always want to be that dickbag updating his Facebook status with "OMG, I lOvE my giRLfrIeNd sOOooo MuCh.
2.) All you ever want to talk to your friends about is how awesome your girlfriend is
3.) The only music you feel you should listen to is positive/upbeat music about it.
4.) You feel bad when you realize 75% of your music is about death/sadness/andor Breakups
5.)If you don't see your GF for more than a day, you revert to the troll you once were
6.)If you don't see your GF for more than a day, your texts get progressively more and more monkey like, going from relatively coherent to "I waneed you riht now!"

Still, this poor sap is in love, so here are some lyrics...thanks to Khoma - "Like Coming Home"

Breathing of you is keeping me calm,
Your eyes so smoothing.
This ravaged world can't keep us apart...

In it for fighting...

I'm going to link a music video, but unlike a lot of videos that I link, I think this is a band that most people would enjoy. Scandinavian indie rock/metal. Khoma - "In It For Fighting"...
...something about this band has really gripped me in the past few weeks. They are so emotional. So visceral.

All these dreams that could have been
Pumping, leaving my heart...

If nothing else I am myself
That's all I have to give

I once saw Third Eye Blind play live...and it was amazing...but that isn't the point. The point is how they ended..
...they ended by playing Dao of St. Paul but instead of playing the whole song, they stopped midway through and all walked forward, and we all sang the refrain together.

It was nothing short of magical. The band stepping forward, singing "Evermore....rejoice!" with the crowd.

And I loved it. It was powerful, it was moving, it was communal. But the song itself is about being empty and alone. And the the song itself is about pan and heartbreak.
And it is visceral and it is sad...
...and hopefully I will never experience it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_U-N9m9Hm0