I had a series of dreams

I dreamed that the zombie apocalypse happened. We were on the highway and our car broke down, so I had to create a diversion while we stole another car and drove through a bunch of farmland to the one safezone left that was across this super long bridge. We were safe from the zombies there, but we were under smallarms fire from the other side of the river, but luckily, a new band of people seeking shelter took the gunmen from behind and slaughtered them. Turns out that they were from another safezone, but it also turns out that they were all children. The leader of this new band of refugees was then punished because even after the kids had surrendered he killed a bunch of them. However, before one child died, he informed the leader of this group that the pope was calling for a holy crusade to rid the world of zombies. This leader then raised an army of knights and was preparing to ride out...but it turns out that he wasn't even going. He had other plans than leading this most holy crusade.

I dreamed that Shiny Toy Guns was playing a concert in my living room. There were maybe 20 of us there...but it was awesome. Afterwards, I went from the concert to a bottle filling place where my friend Ben was working. We had to fill bottles up with beer, but the machine was all wonky and filled them mostly with foam. We prayed that we didn't get any of the underfilled ones when we bought beer next.

I dreamed that I was participating in a tournament. It was a gladiator-esque event but for the future. It was held in a 6 story tall building that had a big courtyard in the middle filled with all sorts of metal piping and such. We were released and had to find weapons in order to defeat everyone else. Last man standing won. It is important to know that the guns were not lethal but only stunned opponents. Anyway, this game involved a lot of me running around, spastic gunfights, jumping 6 stories from the roof into the courtyard while being shot at, and so on. By the end, I was the 2nd to last man left. Only the undefeated champion remained, who had not been seen all game. When he did emerge, he was not happy. We was at least 3 times my size, and he was pissed that I had done so well. So, he showed how he had remained the undefeated champion - he ignored the rules. I was standing in the courtyard, and he threw down a massive gas container that burst into flames. Half the building became an inferno. I escaped into the lobby where everyone was trying to flee out the front doors, when the Champion found me. I then determined in my mind to defeat him while following the rules - No physical contact - so that no one could accuse me of cheating or not earning the title. Besides, I knew that punching/kicking him would do nothing. So, while physical contact was illegal, apparently taking a metal bandstand and hitting him in the face was not...and that is how I won a 100 man battle royale.

busy times

I am sitting here wearing dress socks, athletic shorts, and a mostly unbuttoned collared shirt while drinking a can of Monster that has been sitting opened on the mantle for 2 days.
And so, I begin my life as a college graduate.

Growth is not measured in inches, feet, years, diplomas received, or awards won.
It is measured by the myriad of bruises, cuts, and pains covering your body the night after.
It is measured by the conversations you have in the dead of night on your front yard,
and if you are a bit too drunk to talk, it is measured by the width of you smile and the volume of your yell when you see a friend walk through the door.
It is measured by your willingness to live your life freely.
It is measured by just how much champagne got sprayed in your eye and by your commitment to not let the burning pain stop the fun.
It is measured by how many shots of tequila-absinthe you do in order to get your housemate drunk enough to make-out with a girl who likes him.
It is measured by how much you grin awkwardly and sheepishly say "Yeeeah, it's not a big deal" whenever someone says that you and your girlfriend are the cutest.
It is measured by the volume of the crowd when someone knocks the handle off of the kitchen sink faucet.
It is measured by the feeling of joy that only comes by being surrounded by your friends.

I don't know if I should laugh or if I should cry

Serendipitous fate/Divine humor strikes again.

I was writing an email to my Sen. Sem. professor with my final paper attached to it.
I wrote
It is finished
The last thing I will ever write for my undergraduate degree is now in your possession

I clicked "Send"

And Plankeye's "Goodbye" came onto my iTunes. At the exact moment I hit "Send", I heard the familiar opening piano and guitar.
I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. Maybe a bit of both.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrKT-Qv_mWA

goodbye, goodbye
walk away it's time to say goodbye

It's too late to apologize

I say "sorry" far too often. It is my immediate response whenever I do something that someone isn't 100% satisfied with. And because I overuse "sorry" so much, I think it is losing its meaning.
To me, the word "sorry" should only come in an apology. And apology is - a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another. Instead, I throw it around for the most trivial of reasons, so when the time comes when I actually need to apologize, the act of apologizing is too easy. It isn't something that weighs on me.

So, instead of saying "sorry" all the time, I think that I'll say "thank you" instead.
That way "I'm sorry I kept you up all night because I couldn't sleep" becomes "Thank you for staying up and talking with me last night, that meant a lot."
Or "Sorry I didn't do as well as I could have in X" becomes "Thank you for taking the time to correct me and help me learn/grow."

That way, the focus is on the other person rather than on yourself. You are thanking them for their action, rather than defending your own.

I know in Church, I have heard messages on being Other-centric, and while a lot of times the message is delivered in trite little cliches, there is still a powerful underlying truth to it.

That's just something I thought about last night.

Beautiful songs.

I firmly believe that Nick Cave is at his peak when he writes his softer, more intimate songs. Much as I love his more abrasive rock songs...they can get a bit over the top.
And to me...there is nothing more beautiful than him and a piano.

The Ship Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKlaV-9Vzsk


We talk about it all night long
We define our moral ground
But when I crawl into your arms
Everything comes tumbling down


Into My Arms
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MS4gRmvvDsU&feature=related

I don't believe in an interventionist god
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Oh, not to touch a hair on your head
Leave you as you are
If he felt he had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms

(all of the lyrics of this song are beautiful...but the first two lines always hit me)

Beautiful, lush Heavens
Echoing lightnings bloom
(in) Blue richness.
Fair joy,
Sweet garden cloud,
(my )Innocent child.

Dadaism (redux)

A dadaist reworking of "Love Constant Beyond Death" by Quevedo

Final darkness
Soul death
Yet memory burned cold
Severe

Muscle - veins - marrows
Body
Ash
Dust

I am...

5 pages done (so a little under a half of the minimum) and ideas are still flowing. Organization comes later.

I am also astounded as to how many things have fallen into place today.
Ladyface passed her exam, so she was happy about that. I thought about taking a break to go out to lunch, but that the Housemate could use it more. Went to Russ' but it was too crowded, so we went to Arnie's. We are standing in line...when who appears before me but Ladyface herself! Apparently, she was out to eat at Arnie's with a friend, so we all sat together!

And then, I was not planning on going to a friend's house for dinner because I had to work...but someone picked up my work shift, and my friend called 10 minutes later and invited me to dinner.

Also, I woke up to the sound of the rain and the thunder and Aiden's "Let the Right One In"...and it was a great start to the day.

Love abounds.

Rest

I am going to bed now. I could keep writing on this paper, but I've found that a good night's sleep is worth 4 all-nighters. Granted, this might not be a doctor's definition of "a good night's sleep", but my night can only go downhill from here. I've gotten 1/3 done with my paper, had some great conversation, and enjoyed life. What else is there?
Now, I am listening to Sufjan's "Chicago". But not for long. I drift off.

I've seen...

I am sitting in my room, working on my senior seminar paper (which is taking turns I hadn't expected), listening to the wind outside and to Anathema inside (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSdTjKfOlqA - one of the most beautiful songs ever written)...and I came across this.

"There is the crumpled note tacked to my over-tacked and -noted and -taped bulletin board which says, “Write the things which you have seen.”
-a friend

And I felt the need to do that. Because sometimes you need to remind yourself.

I've seen...

Two good friends get married to amazing men
The pain of a friend as she struggles through life
The pain of a friend who found out she had cancer
The laughter of a friend as we walked around her hospital floor.
People dirty and poor smile as if they were kings and queens.
Friends hold babies abandoned by their parents and shower love on those babies.
The look behind a baby's eyes, a child too young to speak, that says, "Please don't leave me."
How much I've grown.
Two friends fall in love.
The most beautiful sunset.

And one day, I feel I'll write stories about these moments in time.
But that is not today.
Instead, I have to wipe the tears from my eyes and get back to work. But work that I take joy in.


PS - Go listen to the song "Forever Lost" by God is an Astronaut. It is not nearly as sad as the title would suggest. In fact, all I feel is peace and hope when I listen to it.

I've got...

I've got a bottle of Dow's Fine Ruby Porto, a soundtrack, 12-15 pages to write, and 44 hours to go.

Edit 1 (10:18) - 2 pages in. Listening to Fear Factory - "I Will Follow (U2 Cover)". Done with the Port for the night (far too sweet for more than a glass or two).

something's out there

Some days, I just want to give into this kind of thinking


I'd rather sit back,
and just smoke cigarattes.
be the one with the loudest mouth
be the most closed minded that I could get

I could deal with this nonstop spinning world.

A most unproductive weekend. Terribly unproductive.
However, I did find what I will read for my senior sem. class.

(I grabbed Robert Frost off of the shelf, opened up, and was staring right at a poem I had never read before...but once which I knew fit perfectly.)


And now, here I am, staring at the last 3 days of classes and a load of unfinished, unstarted projects/papers/studying.


Tell me that I'm not so weak.
Tell me that I'm not alone.

But it isn't that bad. I am an expert at lying to myself. And it seems that I would rather sit back and philosophize and reflect than actually do some work.

How do you rest when you know you can't slow down?

And I don't even feel motivated to write this...I'm just doing it because I am desperate to do anything other than start my day and leave this room.

Awwww yeah

My name is Mikael "Motherfucking" Stanne. I am a great looking metal vocalist. I don't take shit from any one
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZ4lLhSf9-E

I'm inside, wrapped in a blanket...the window is open, the wind is blowing, howling through the trees, and making me colder than I should(could) be. I'm listening to AFI and drink gin-absinthes on the rocks.
It takes me back to Florida. It was late night, and I was out on my (my own personal...my room had this) balcony/sundeck. I had opened all the blinds/storm shutters and was sitting in the swivel chair. Not much later, I was just laying on the shag carpet. I had brought out a pillow and a blanket, in order to spend the night there. (I get in moods where I love to sleep on floors).
I was listening to music (AFI) on my computer and texting someone (well, two someone's if you have to be exact).
And this moment brings me back to that moment. I'm wrapped in a blanket, window open, wrapped in a blanket, colder than I should be, listening to AFI.
I could be texting...but I won't. There is no need.


It's strange how the minorest of things will remind you of something monumental.

insecurities

It's kind of funny (in a mostly sad sort of way) that virtually everybody has the same fears about life, yet we (I) still act shock when we find that out.
What I mean is this - I got a message from a someone the other day and this person said that they had a mini-freak out/break down about life in general the night before, but all they needed was a night of good sleep and a productive day.

My first thought was, "Wow, (name) had a freakout/breakdown about life? I never would have expected that. They always seem so in command, so confident."

But of course they freak out about life...everybody does. Its just human. And I'm sure there would be people who would be shocked to find out that I freakout/breakdown when thinking about the future all the time.

I keep asking myself if they realize
That their fears are really just the same as mine
Do they know all their insecurities
Are the same ones that are inside of me
As people come and go
Do they know they’re really not alone?

Dadaism

Ever since I was a child, I have done something which I only realized this year can be turned into artwork. It started at Church. I would get the program, and (I believe) to keep myself entertained, I would use a pen or pencil to trace over a given word in a sentence, so that it stood out. There was no rhyme or reason as to why I did this. I would simply pick words that I found visually appealing. Words that needed to stand out.
I've done that for years. And only in January did I learn about Dadaism and realize that...I am maybe making art.

Here's a poem from tonight

Sin spoke
Pale teeth
Arm outstretched
Truth withheld.

Or this

Rumor reconciled legacies
Aesthetic gives qualities
Interviews memorable
Remember impressions
Similarities classic

A fun one

The sometimes here educators all are American Scotch Calvinists


Or a serious one

Virtues of religion have opposite fortunes


Music

Melodic sounds spoiled
Either inter-contrapuntal counterpoint
Octaves together take that logical line
Simultaneously which happens as
Other problematic voice
Polyphonic complicated
represents intellectual implications convincingly

Lions make you brave

I had a great day. Finished a paper, went to class, understood the material, walked in the sunlight, work...
...
then I got home. I started thinking about this summer. How to pay for everything. How to get a job. How to volunteer.
And it was a bit overwhelming.

(Okay, it was 'panic attack' overwhelming)

I'm used to things just falling into place in my life. I'm not used to trying/working to make things happen. But from here on out...the most basic of things is going to be a struggle.

And while I was suffering from the panic attack, I started writing a resume, and it was terrible...but Ladyface texted me, and I kept on writing. And I have a good portion of my Resume written out now. And that's a big deal for me.

So here I am.
More fragile than I care to admit. More fallen than I wish. Weaker than I want to be. But as the old saying goes, "Fall down 7 times, get up 8."

Lions make you brave
Giants give you faith
Death is a charade
You don't have to feel safe to feel unafraid

I'm not the hunter, I'm not the marked
Just looking for wisdom in the dark

I'm terrified of growing up and being out of college. But I am also determined to beat that fear. And yes, it is going to suck - conquering my fears and insecurities - but it is something I can do. And I will find a job. And if that doesn't make me happy...it's okay - it's not my Vocation. I'll just volunteer somewhere. Or spend my time writing. Or write a story about some orphan children in Ukraine.

I'm learning how to get up off my knees and all takes is practice


Be ready on your feet
No matter the trouble you meet

How to spend a day

What started as a pretty shitty morning/afternoon ended up being a great night.

I was still feeling morose at 5 when I called Ladyface. However, she came over holding a pan of brownies. Guess who has two thumbs and is in a great mood? This guy! And then we made some chicken alfredo. Nothing to fancy - two chicken breasts, green/red peppers, carrots, on top of fettuccine, smothered in alfredo sauce. Garlic bread on the side. It was simple yet delicious. Loafed on the couch for an hour, just talking.

And this next sentence will maybe blow the lid off of your reality.

I should have been dating a lot sooner because having a gf really helps out my desire to study.

Yeah, scope this - after dinner and conversation, we both totally did homework for like...3 or 4 hours straight. I did all of my senior sem. reading, wrote the discussion post. And that is a big chunk of work done for the week. Now I just have two weak-ass papers that I can hammer out in a couple hours of concentrated effort.
It is just nice to have someone beside you, not distracting you, but there to be a distraction if you need it. Someone who is working studiously which in turn makes you want to be extra studious.

Again, I always come back to the band Haste

Turning bad days into better nights.
Waving smoke out the window,
catch my hand against the background of night.
Dragging fingertips through constellations.


Something about that line - turning bad days into better nights. That's what today was.

The night starts here

Sometimes, the simplest things really brighten my day. I've been in a funk all day, skulking about, doing nothing. Even cleaning the house didn't make me feel any better. It was bad.

But then I called ladyface, and she said "Hello dear", and it was the cutest thing of all time. And she is making brownies, and we are going to eat food in an hour.
And I am listening to Stars.

And I'm still a bit mopey, but it is great that there are people out there who are happy. And how they can unintentionally brighten someone else's day. Or how you find that one album that brightens your spirits, even if just a bit.

[Of course, none of those things will write papers for me]

4 words for you

4 words...
...
Calm
the
fuck
down.


You can sit here wondering all day.night. Worrying. Not knowing.
Or...you could sit here all day.night focusing on other things. Not worrying. Rejoicing. Being productive. (still) Not knowing.

Either way, there is no guarantee. So just chill out, have a little trust, and see what happens.

time traveling blues

Nobody puts me in the fuckin' zone like Orange Goblin.
You know that place I'm talking about.
When you are just sitting back, nodding your head to the music.
Feeling on top of the world.
Soaking in every guitar note.
An auditory slow dance.
Intimate.

All day with this song (I think it is the piano in the background. It transports me to a smoke filled bar...more of a saloon. Crusty, dirty, but everyone is together.)
"Time Traveling Blues"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1C2hgivqwJ8

Oh baby, my time has come
I'm gonna step aboard this ship today and head for the sun
Don't know what I'll see there
Don't know what I'll find
But baby, I'll be happy if I find a peace of mind

today yesterday tomorrow.

I am wear shorts, rocking scraggly facial hair, barefoot, listening to The Postal Service, about to grill-out. My life is pretty sweet.

Last night, I worked on a paper, got halfway done with said paper, went to a party, didn't get drunk, hugged my friends, lay out on the grass with a lady, listened to the rain fall, watched the cat watch the rain, told myself to calm down, slept peacefully. Last night was pretty sweet.

Tomorrow I will, finish up on previously mentioned paper, finish up a different paper, eat leftovers, make some chicken alfredo for a certain sweet lady, drink a little bit of wine, continue doing homework. Tomorrow will be pretty sweet.