Songs for Winter

I have very mixed feelings about Winter as a season. But now that the first snow has fallen, it is time to break out the songs that really help me out during this time.

1. "Dim" - Cult of Luna

Lyrically, this song has nothing to do with winter, but the overall feel of the song just reminds me of driving in the dark, through the snow, into the unknown. The vast emptiness ahead of me, a white, barren landscape. Bleak desolation. Stillness.

2. "Enveloped" - Rapture
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKvK1NX4q9Q

The melancholy nature of Doom/death metal lends itself perfectly to the winter months. This song is one of darkness, madness, solitude, goodbyes.

The music is over, there's no-one here
It's snowing heavily
I can't even see my breath escaping
Never to return

3. "Avalost [Vocal Version]" - Seabound
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nV3n-tP_Enk

This song will always remind me of winter, particularly frozen water. I once dated a girl, and one winter night, we walked far out onto a frozen lake and laid down on the thick sheet, snow as padding from the frozen water, and we stared at the night sky above, small flakes of snow falling on our faces. We held hands and laid there in the perfect silence of the night. And it was beautiful. And all I thought of was this song.

The stars are frozen
Layers of ice

Ice moving, peaceful
Exalted but quiet
The chill and the sea
Hurl back memories
Moments of clarity
You are caressing me

4. "Scream" - Kill Hannah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oeAY-hX4E_o

A song about loss, the memory of a loved one, raw emotion. The bitter winds of winter always remind of something that I lost...something indescribable. Not a specific thing or person...just a feeling or an idea.

The winter winds blew on Lake Michigan that night
I carved your name into my arm so I would remember you

5. "A Desolation Song" - Agalloch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN4AxskpSAE

In the end, Winter to me really seems to be a time of solitude, loss, remembrance, and melancholy. And this song encompasses it all. All I imagine is a man bundled up, sitting in front of a fire with a glass of whiskey in hand, staring contemplatively into the flames.

Here I sit at the fire
Liquor's bitter flames warm my languid soul
Here I drink alone and remember

6. "No One There" - Sentenced
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGtrNZwqpCY&feature=fvw (one of my all time favorite videos)

One of the saddest songs of all time. Again, the loss and solitude that winter brings.

The desperation and the snow
The feeling of finally coming back home
The melancholy and the hole in the soil so hard and cold

And the wind blows through my heart
Shivers me one last time
As I now reach out in the dark
No one there

Cemeteries

"on the way back from the mountains,
stopped by the cemetery, drank to our youth
thought of our ages and stopped it"

-These Dead Streets, by A Wilhelm Scream

* *

"5-4-3-2-1"



There is a cemetery in my hometown.
It is located right off the highway.
And driving by it at night,
I would swear to you that
There is no place more peaceful.

At night, the trees stand guard,
Bathed in a pale, grey light.
Standing guard liked ancient sentinels
Over this most hallowed ground.

Winter is the most beautiful time
To see this peaceful place
Covered in a light, (white coat)

It gives an air of stillness
The quiet dignity of the dead

And everytime I see it, I cry.



(This can be sung to the tune of "In Vino Veritas" by A Wilhelm Scream)

Tik Tok

"Ain't got a care in the world, but I got plenty of beer"

I love top40 music right about now. It is all about going out and getting crazy at a club and telling the DJ to turn it up.
And I love seeing my friends and family. Thanksgiving was a complete success. Great food, even better people. Life was lived, maybe a tad irresponsibly, but I always remembered what was truly important - the people I love and who love me. And really, at the end of my life, what am I going to remember - getting a good grade on a paper I don't care about or going out to a seedy dive bar with the people I love most in the world and having an amazing time?

But let me be clear on one thing - I'm not advocating living recklessly and irresponsibly forever. Then you risk becoming a total jackass who only cares about the Party and not the People at the party. You hurt yourself and those around you. But sometimes, you need to eat too much, smoke too much, drink too much, and just let loose.

Outcasts welcome home

True story


I could give you lessons on how to ruin your friendships,

Just sing along,
I'm the king of catastrophies,
I'm so far gone,
That deep down inside I think it's fine by me,
I'm my own worst enemy

Maybe the bombs look better from where you're standing
maybe the chronic fatigue and lifeless noon-times
are something you've been waiting for
but i don't see it like that


your three piece isn't war paint
and your polished vocabulary still doesn't get you to say what you want


so i stole your students
i gave them color in their faces and revolt in their steps
let them call out all of your officials with half truth blindfolds
and gave them reason to strip all of your system failed defense


took all of your lab coats and handed them to the frozen faces
in the dark alleys on these midwinter nights
lifted all your padlocked journals and plastered all the hidden antidotes
on every surface i could find

Shared memory

I always find it so strange how people come together simply because they experienced the same thing together.
I find it strange and wonderful.

I love it when I see people who I went to Poland with. Sometimes you just need to say, "Remember Auschwitz/Birkenau? That was so heavy and affected me a lot." And they'll say, "I know, I feel the same."
Sometimes all you need to do is lock eyes and nod. And they know.

So, I would just like to take this time to say - Thank You. To everyone who has shared a lifechanging experience with me. Whether it be Ukraine at an orphanage/hospital. In Poland, at( ). Just kicked it on the porch in the early Spring and talked about life. Or any other experience.

(re)Memory continued...

Most times I think it is just my English Major/douchebaggery that makes me look for patterns in life. Sometimes, I think it is God/Life/fate or whathaveyou. Regardless, the whole idea of memory and past has been on my mind a lot as of recently.

It is crazy to look back on your life and think about how different you would be if you had reacted differently in certain situations, or if situations had just gone differently.

4th Grade - I really wanted to play PopWarner football. When 5th Grade rolled around and I was given the opportunity to play, I vehemently turned it down...for no apparent reason.
15 years old - I was able to travel to Cambridge to study for three weeks in the summer. While there, I decided to go out to a club with my group. While there, I saw a girl in line who evoked such visceral emotions from me - emotions so powerful I've never felt anything like them before. I then spent the last week of my trip there with her, and she ended up shaping the next 4-5 years of my life in drastic ways.
16 years old - I go and see my younger sister's play. While there, the Lead of the play spots me and thinks I am good looking. Through an awkward and unbelievable set of circumstances, I end up becoming best friends with the Lead. We have so many memories together, it is insane.
Freshman year of college - my friend has me talk to her younger sister, and we hit it off. Through a crazy series of events we end up becoming involved with one another a few years later.

I could go on and on. But I won't.

I will end by saying that...I think I always end up in the right place at the right time. Like today. Instead of having my normal class, we went to go see a special speaker. I walked in to find a close friend there, a friend who was not at all excited about this speaker or what he had to say. After 50 minutes, we walked out of that lecture hall together, and she was so angry and filled with emotion that she was shaking and barely able to form sentences. But I was there for her, and I listened to her vent, and when she was drained, I offered my support and advice.
What would have happened had I not been there? Would she have found someone else to vent to right away? Would she have bottled her anger away and let it fester?
What would have happened?
What would have happened if...

(re)Memory

I've been thinking about memory a lot recently. And the past.

And while I still don't have the ability/desire/will/inspiration to write back yet
I will say

MxPx's "Slowly Going the Way of the Buffalo" is a great album. I nostalgia-d so hard when I listened to "I'm Okay, You're Okay" and "Tomorrow's Another Day".


You tell me nothing's wrong
Seems like I've been gone oh so long
Nothing seems to have changed
Yet the familiar things seem all so strange

we excuse ourselves from progress by post-altering our motives
stories set to match whatever beat that drives the impulse

The worst writers are the ones who fuck up happy endings.
The best ones don't bother to type.

(I've been writing you a letter in my head for months with no reply.
When did your interest in me die?)

November

Is always the coldest of months.
Not in terms of weather. Just in terms of what it represents.
Death. An Ending.
It always seems so much bleaker in this month than any other.
December fills you with the warmth of family and Holy Days.
January brings the birth of a new year.
February is for lovers and points toward the Spring.
But for 30 days, November stands like an immobile monolith, casting a grey pallor across the landscape of an individual's soul.

Hey!

I'm back and feeling pretty good.
Though not so inspired creatively.

Decided that I should probably focus on school work. And that is going pretty well. Rocking some assignments. I'm actually loving my Religion 251 assignment - find 5 articles and 1 book about Christianity in relation to other religions. Super fascinating. And I've discovered that the Catholic church is pretty sweet!

Going to the gym more regularly. Looking to lose weight and tone muscle (not gain muscle). Have to stick with it.

Playing online Risk with my housemate at www.conquerclub.com. We are playing 2 team games right now. In our first game, we are a few turns away from victory. But in the second one, we were dealt terrible starting locations, so it looks like I am a few turns away from annihilation. And that sucks.

Oh well.

Nothing too much else to say. No existential crises. No insightful comments.

Just contentment.

Catharsis for Dummies.

I spent the night in. Housemate, friend, Community, FlashForward. Tequila, Gin, and wine. Catharsis for dummies.
At least I won't wake up to a trashed room feeling vaguely of failure. And hopefully I won't wake up and punch my bedside candle. That would suck.