Christmas

So far, Christmas break has been going swimmingly. I drove to Chicago on Saturday with my buddy Nate in order to meet up with Amy and Matt at Amy's house. Her family is quite possibly one of the greatest in the world. We were loaded up with food and fun, and then we shipped out to the Kill Hannah NewHeartforXmas show. And it.was.amazing. Possibly their best concert to date.

Sunday, I spent with Amy and Matt, hanging out and shopping until I headed up to Wisconsin. The BrothersMenn were reunited. Food was had. We Brothers stayed up late drinking and watching the Hangover. The night finally ended at about 3am, after BrotherDave and I had been talking/drinking for close to three hours.

Monday, shoppingshoppingshopping. And then cookie making with KasieJ. That seriously took about 3 hours, because we made 3 different kinds of cookies and a pretzel snack. But it was a super great time. Laughed a lot. Ate waaaay too much chocolate. Also, she got me some pretty rad presents - a mandle (candle for men...it is super metrosexual) and A Thousand Splendid Suns.

The night ended with way too much chili in me, and playing card/board games with my family.

Christmastide

Burning some time before I head to Chicago for my favorite Holiday tradition - Kill Hannah's annual hometown Christmas show. New Heart for Xmas 7. I've been going for the past 3 years. This year, I'm going with a group of 3 good friends, so it should be even more epic.
Then I will be back home in WI, hanging with the brothers and some good friends. Cookie making will ensue.

Navy peir at Christmas, you can go
At 3am there will be no one
The ferris wheel still turns
As though its a popular attraction still
And when the songs slowly play
Through the old broken PA

I need a new heart for Christmas
Cause you broke it all apart
put it back together again
you hit me oh so hard
put me back together again

Positives

I am a person who has many faults.
I will never try to hide that.

But one thing that people whom I truly care about/respect always tell me is that I am "down to earth". I am the guy who "keeps things real" and doesn't sugar coat anything. I am honest at all times.
And that is a part of myself that I will never back away from.

At the same time, I know I need to be less a fuck up. A lot of time, I am "that guy" at parties. To a certain extent, all parties need that guy. But I don't want to be "That Guy".

I will struggle on.

I love You.

I believe in nothing but the truth of who we are

I love who you were. Not who you are.
I try to remember that always.
I try hard not to fall back into old patterns.
You're a part of me that should have died long ago
But a part of you still lingers on
And from time to time, I cut myself on that.
And old wounds still bleed.

Failure

Sometimes, it is easier to just give up. Sometimes, it isn't just easier, it is the right thing to do. It might not feel good at the time, but it might still be the right thing to do.
Sometimes doing what is right really really sucks. And you hate it. And you don't want to do it at all.
And sometimes you realize that even if you want to live for yourself...you really can't.
And sometimes you give up on vices/cut out bad ways of living. And maybe you do it so that someone will notice. And maybe deep down you know that they will never notice. But you do it anyway. That sucks. But it is necessary.
And maybe sometimes you just want to tell someone "happy birthday" but you can't. You've drifted apart too far.

Again

Still too stressed, overwhelmed, stretched to thin to make a post of my own. So here is a song that always makes me want to cry/punch a wall/tear my hair out/scream.

you and me
meant to be
immutable
impossible
it's destiny
pure lunacy
incalculable
inseparable

and for the last time
you're everything that i want and asked for
you're all that i dream


for the first time
i'm telling how much i need and bleed for
your every move and waking sound in my time

Who wouldn't be the one you love
Who wouldn't "Stand Inside Your Love"

-The Smashing Pumpkins

Points of Convergence

It's funny how lives flow together. I was thinking all today about youth, childhood, and innocence. And I thought about writing something on here about that, but I was simply exhausted, even though I had a certain song on my mind all day that was about the same subject. Still, I didn't write it. And I check my friends' blogs just now only to find that a certain someone has posted about exactly how I feel/about exactly what I wanted to talk about! You know who you are.

So here it is, boiled down...


Once in a while i act like a child to feel like a kid again
It gets like a prison in the body i'm living in
Cause everone's watching and quick to start talking, i'm losing my innocence
Wish i were a little guy without the weight of the world

It would be nice to start over again
Before we were men
I'd give, i'd bend, let's play pretend

Remember the times we had soda for wine,
and we got by on gratitude
The worst they could do to you was check your attitude
Yeah when fights were for fun, we had water in guns,
and a place we could call our own
How we lost hold of home i guess i'll never know

Catch for Us the Foxes

"Catch for Us the Foxes" by mewithoutYou is an amazing album. Something about Aaron Weiss' lyrics always touch me. Right now it is the song "The Soviet", about a man who is struggling with selfish love and lust.

As the night-time shined like day it saw my sorry face and hair a mess
But it liked me best that way... besides, how else could I confess?
When I looked down like if to pray,
Well, I was looking down her dress... good God!


But I really like how it ends.

I don't need this



And I guess, if I had to really explain how I am feeling right now, I'd use someone else's words (as I often do) because I am too exhausted to write any more.

I've been coasting on this single's route
But I still hear your name in wedding bells
...you're the only proper noun I need

Note to self

...singing in Tom Waits' voice to Beatles' songs on "BeatleRockband" will net you a 58% on Easy. Also, it doesn't help if you make up words and maybe shout out like Lil John does.

Also, I was on fire last night with zazzy comments. I just wish I could remember them this morning.

Marie Catribs is the best breakfast place, hands down.

I have some very lovely friends.

Getting shitty drunk sucks. Drinking to the point of a nice buzz or an in-control level of being drunk is pretty sweet.

Gin, splash of Absinthe, tonic water, splash of lime, on ice...that's a tasty drink. The Absinthe really zazzes it up.

Christmas shopping is a load of bollocks.

Having nicknames for people is awesome.

French people talk like ducks who have a cold.

I love you all.

Die tonight, live forever

If we all should die tonight
We will have no regrets
(we can't go back, we can't go...)

So the Winter comes again

A perfect night.
I went to the gym, had and hour off, went out to a Retirement home with 2 of my friends.
(it was harder than I thought it would be)
Went out to dinner with two guys who I love
Have plenty of leftovers for the weekend
Listened to music while watching the snowfall
Housemate came back and we walked for a long while in the fresh snow
(perchance some flasks were involved)
Big snowflakes are always more beautiful at night
Now I'm at home with that tiredwarmsatisfied feeling
Houston Calls singing me to sleep
And I think is that I can't wait until...


"Made in Moonlight" - Houston Calls

Snow pours down a white coat on the town
footsteps the only sound out on the street (Warwick Avenue).
Next to me Alex treads so softly he has the same feeling
Serenity.

What happened to me inside
It's like I was revived
I'm so glad I came.

When you dance with the Devil, you don't change the Devil...the Devil changes you.

Apologies...

I'm sorry, but I feel like I talk about music on virtually every post on this blog. But I was sitting here listening to a mix cd my friend gave me Freshman year, and the song "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie came on, and I teared up. It just broke me back to last February when a friend of mine was in the hospital unexpectedly, and it was one of those situations where you don't know if they are going to be alright.

And it came to me then
That every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time

And I remember being at the hospital and being kicked out of her room and forced to sit in the waiting room. And even at that time, I remembered just how much I hate waiting rooms. Terrible magazines, terrible TV shows, terrible coffee. The unknowing. The sense of helplessness.

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds

I've been in that place before. Senior year, 3 of my good friends were in a car accident. One of them was fine and my girlfriend of the time got quality treatment, but when I walked into the waiting room, I saw one of my best friends with eyes red from crying, cuts on her face from the accident, just looking helpless...and the hospital wouldn't admit her because she didn't have the right kind of insurance.

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news
Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their head
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die

Fuck waiting rooms. If I am ever in a life or death situation, where it is touch and go as to whether or not I am going to live, fuck what doctors/nurses say, come into my room and be with me. Honestly, I don't know why they kick family and friends out. You can get them scrubbed down/sterilized enough to be in the room. If I ever end up in the hospital due to something serious...honestly, the thing that would be the best cure for me is seeing the people I love.

So who's going to watch you die?

I am not good at dealing with death. I've lost all of my grandparents, two of whom I was pretty close with. A friend of mine was killed just this past Spring. Death sucks. And after someone I know dies, I shut down for a couple of weeks and totally withdraw.
But.
I would give anything to be with those people at the time they passed away. To be able to say goodbye. That I love them.

When I feel down

Sometimes, I feel down, overwhelmed, lost, apathetic, useless, like a failure. Like I just took a big hit, and I don't know if I'll be able to get back up.
But there is a certain song that always helps me keep things in perspective.

"Life Won't Wait" - Houston Calls


Yea, I’ve got four controllers and four good friends
We keep it real until our lives all end
Whatever was I thinking?
The best times of my life are just beginning

And when I hear those lines, I always remember - I have some great friends, and we are down to earth...so why am I freaking out so much? Life is worth living, and I am truly living in one of the best times of my life. And it seems like things just keep getting more awesome everyday.