Christmas

So far, Christmas break has been going swimmingly. I drove to Chicago on Saturday with my buddy Nate in order to meet up with Amy and Matt at Amy's house. Her family is quite possibly one of the greatest in the world. We were loaded up with food and fun, and then we shipped out to the Kill Hannah NewHeartforXmas show. And it.was.amazing. Possibly their best concert to date.

Sunday, I spent with Amy and Matt, hanging out and shopping until I headed up to Wisconsin. The BrothersMenn were reunited. Food was had. We Brothers stayed up late drinking and watching the Hangover. The night finally ended at about 3am, after BrotherDave and I had been talking/drinking for close to three hours.

Monday, shoppingshoppingshopping. And then cookie making with KasieJ. That seriously took about 3 hours, because we made 3 different kinds of cookies and a pretzel snack. But it was a super great time. Laughed a lot. Ate waaaay too much chocolate. Also, she got me some pretty rad presents - a mandle (candle for men...it is super metrosexual) and A Thousand Splendid Suns.

The night ended with way too much chili in me, and playing card/board games with my family.

Christmastide

Burning some time before I head to Chicago for my favorite Holiday tradition - Kill Hannah's annual hometown Christmas show. New Heart for Xmas 7. I've been going for the past 3 years. This year, I'm going with a group of 3 good friends, so it should be even more epic.
Then I will be back home in WI, hanging with the brothers and some good friends. Cookie making will ensue.

Navy peir at Christmas, you can go
At 3am there will be no one
The ferris wheel still turns
As though its a popular attraction still
And when the songs slowly play
Through the old broken PA

I need a new heart for Christmas
Cause you broke it all apart
put it back together again
you hit me oh so hard
put me back together again

Positives

I am a person who has many faults.
I will never try to hide that.

But one thing that people whom I truly care about/respect always tell me is that I am "down to earth". I am the guy who "keeps things real" and doesn't sugar coat anything. I am honest at all times.
And that is a part of myself that I will never back away from.

At the same time, I know I need to be less a fuck up. A lot of time, I am "that guy" at parties. To a certain extent, all parties need that guy. But I don't want to be "That Guy".

I will struggle on.

I love You.

I believe in nothing but the truth of who we are

I love who you were. Not who you are.
I try to remember that always.
I try hard not to fall back into old patterns.
You're a part of me that should have died long ago
But a part of you still lingers on
And from time to time, I cut myself on that.
And old wounds still bleed.

Failure

Sometimes, it is easier to just give up. Sometimes, it isn't just easier, it is the right thing to do. It might not feel good at the time, but it might still be the right thing to do.
Sometimes doing what is right really really sucks. And you hate it. And you don't want to do it at all.
And sometimes you realize that even if you want to live for yourself...you really can't.
And sometimes you give up on vices/cut out bad ways of living. And maybe you do it so that someone will notice. And maybe deep down you know that they will never notice. But you do it anyway. That sucks. But it is necessary.
And maybe sometimes you just want to tell someone "happy birthday" but you can't. You've drifted apart too far.

Again

Still too stressed, overwhelmed, stretched to thin to make a post of my own. So here is a song that always makes me want to cry/punch a wall/tear my hair out/scream.

you and me
meant to be
immutable
impossible
it's destiny
pure lunacy
incalculable
inseparable

and for the last time
you're everything that i want and asked for
you're all that i dream


for the first time
i'm telling how much i need and bleed for
your every move and waking sound in my time

Who wouldn't be the one you love
Who wouldn't "Stand Inside Your Love"

-The Smashing Pumpkins

Points of Convergence

It's funny how lives flow together. I was thinking all today about youth, childhood, and innocence. And I thought about writing something on here about that, but I was simply exhausted, even though I had a certain song on my mind all day that was about the same subject. Still, I didn't write it. And I check my friends' blogs just now only to find that a certain someone has posted about exactly how I feel/about exactly what I wanted to talk about! You know who you are.

So here it is, boiled down...


Once in a while i act like a child to feel like a kid again
It gets like a prison in the body i'm living in
Cause everone's watching and quick to start talking, i'm losing my innocence
Wish i were a little guy without the weight of the world

It would be nice to start over again
Before we were men
I'd give, i'd bend, let's play pretend

Remember the times we had soda for wine,
and we got by on gratitude
The worst they could do to you was check your attitude
Yeah when fights were for fun, we had water in guns,
and a place we could call our own
How we lost hold of home i guess i'll never know

Catch for Us the Foxes

"Catch for Us the Foxes" by mewithoutYou is an amazing album. Something about Aaron Weiss' lyrics always touch me. Right now it is the song "The Soviet", about a man who is struggling with selfish love and lust.

As the night-time shined like day it saw my sorry face and hair a mess
But it liked me best that way... besides, how else could I confess?
When I looked down like if to pray,
Well, I was looking down her dress... good God!


But I really like how it ends.

I don't need this



And I guess, if I had to really explain how I am feeling right now, I'd use someone else's words (as I often do) because I am too exhausted to write any more.

I've been coasting on this single's route
But I still hear your name in wedding bells
...you're the only proper noun I need

Note to self

...singing in Tom Waits' voice to Beatles' songs on "BeatleRockband" will net you a 58% on Easy. Also, it doesn't help if you make up words and maybe shout out like Lil John does.

Also, I was on fire last night with zazzy comments. I just wish I could remember them this morning.

Marie Catribs is the best breakfast place, hands down.

I have some very lovely friends.

Getting shitty drunk sucks. Drinking to the point of a nice buzz or an in-control level of being drunk is pretty sweet.

Gin, splash of Absinthe, tonic water, splash of lime, on ice...that's a tasty drink. The Absinthe really zazzes it up.

Christmas shopping is a load of bollocks.

Having nicknames for people is awesome.

French people talk like ducks who have a cold.

I love you all.

Die tonight, live forever

If we all should die tonight
We will have no regrets
(we can't go back, we can't go...)

So the Winter comes again

A perfect night.
I went to the gym, had and hour off, went out to a Retirement home with 2 of my friends.
(it was harder than I thought it would be)
Went out to dinner with two guys who I love
Have plenty of leftovers for the weekend
Listened to music while watching the snowfall
Housemate came back and we walked for a long while in the fresh snow
(perchance some flasks were involved)
Big snowflakes are always more beautiful at night
Now I'm at home with that tiredwarmsatisfied feeling
Houston Calls singing me to sleep
And I think is that I can't wait until...


"Made in Moonlight" - Houston Calls

Snow pours down a white coat on the town
footsteps the only sound out on the street (Warwick Avenue).
Next to me Alex treads so softly he has the same feeling
Serenity.

What happened to me inside
It's like I was revived
I'm so glad I came.

When you dance with the Devil, you don't change the Devil...the Devil changes you.

Apologies...

I'm sorry, but I feel like I talk about music on virtually every post on this blog. But I was sitting here listening to a mix cd my friend gave me Freshman year, and the song "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie came on, and I teared up. It just broke me back to last February when a friend of mine was in the hospital unexpectedly, and it was one of those situations where you don't know if they are going to be alright.

And it came to me then
That every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time

And I remember being at the hospital and being kicked out of her room and forced to sit in the waiting room. And even at that time, I remembered just how much I hate waiting rooms. Terrible magazines, terrible TV shows, terrible coffee. The unknowing. The sense of helplessness.

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds

I've been in that place before. Senior year, 3 of my good friends were in a car accident. One of them was fine and my girlfriend of the time got quality treatment, but when I walked into the waiting room, I saw one of my best friends with eyes red from crying, cuts on her face from the accident, just looking helpless...and the hospital wouldn't admit her because she didn't have the right kind of insurance.

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news
Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their head
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die

Fuck waiting rooms. If I am ever in a life or death situation, where it is touch and go as to whether or not I am going to live, fuck what doctors/nurses say, come into my room and be with me. Honestly, I don't know why they kick family and friends out. You can get them scrubbed down/sterilized enough to be in the room. If I ever end up in the hospital due to something serious...honestly, the thing that would be the best cure for me is seeing the people I love.

So who's going to watch you die?

I am not good at dealing with death. I've lost all of my grandparents, two of whom I was pretty close with. A friend of mine was killed just this past Spring. Death sucks. And after someone I know dies, I shut down for a couple of weeks and totally withdraw.
But.
I would give anything to be with those people at the time they passed away. To be able to say goodbye. That I love them.

When I feel down

Sometimes, I feel down, overwhelmed, lost, apathetic, useless, like a failure. Like I just took a big hit, and I don't know if I'll be able to get back up.
But there is a certain song that always helps me keep things in perspective.

"Life Won't Wait" - Houston Calls


Yea, I’ve got four controllers and four good friends
We keep it real until our lives all end
Whatever was I thinking?
The best times of my life are just beginning

And when I hear those lines, I always remember - I have some great friends, and we are down to earth...so why am I freaking out so much? Life is worth living, and I am truly living in one of the best times of my life. And it seems like things just keep getting more awesome everyday.

Songs for Winter

I have very mixed feelings about Winter as a season. But now that the first snow has fallen, it is time to break out the songs that really help me out during this time.

1. "Dim" - Cult of Luna

Lyrically, this song has nothing to do with winter, but the overall feel of the song just reminds me of driving in the dark, through the snow, into the unknown. The vast emptiness ahead of me, a white, barren landscape. Bleak desolation. Stillness.

2. "Enveloped" - Rapture
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKvK1NX4q9Q

The melancholy nature of Doom/death metal lends itself perfectly to the winter months. This song is one of darkness, madness, solitude, goodbyes.

The music is over, there's no-one here
It's snowing heavily
I can't even see my breath escaping
Never to return

3. "Avalost [Vocal Version]" - Seabound
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nV3n-tP_Enk

This song will always remind me of winter, particularly frozen water. I once dated a girl, and one winter night, we walked far out onto a frozen lake and laid down on the thick sheet, snow as padding from the frozen water, and we stared at the night sky above, small flakes of snow falling on our faces. We held hands and laid there in the perfect silence of the night. And it was beautiful. And all I thought of was this song.

The stars are frozen
Layers of ice

Ice moving, peaceful
Exalted but quiet
The chill and the sea
Hurl back memories
Moments of clarity
You are caressing me

4. "Scream" - Kill Hannah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oeAY-hX4E_o

A song about loss, the memory of a loved one, raw emotion. The bitter winds of winter always remind of something that I lost...something indescribable. Not a specific thing or person...just a feeling or an idea.

The winter winds blew on Lake Michigan that night
I carved your name into my arm so I would remember you

5. "A Desolation Song" - Agalloch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN4AxskpSAE

In the end, Winter to me really seems to be a time of solitude, loss, remembrance, and melancholy. And this song encompasses it all. All I imagine is a man bundled up, sitting in front of a fire with a glass of whiskey in hand, staring contemplatively into the flames.

Here I sit at the fire
Liquor's bitter flames warm my languid soul
Here I drink alone and remember

6. "No One There" - Sentenced
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGtrNZwqpCY&feature=fvw (one of my all time favorite videos)

One of the saddest songs of all time. Again, the loss and solitude that winter brings.

The desperation and the snow
The feeling of finally coming back home
The melancholy and the hole in the soil so hard and cold

And the wind blows through my heart
Shivers me one last time
As I now reach out in the dark
No one there

Cemeteries

"on the way back from the mountains,
stopped by the cemetery, drank to our youth
thought of our ages and stopped it"

-These Dead Streets, by A Wilhelm Scream

* *

"5-4-3-2-1"



There is a cemetery in my hometown.
It is located right off the highway.
And driving by it at night,
I would swear to you that
There is no place more peaceful.

At night, the trees stand guard,
Bathed in a pale, grey light.
Standing guard liked ancient sentinels
Over this most hallowed ground.

Winter is the most beautiful time
To see this peaceful place
Covered in a light, (white coat)

It gives an air of stillness
The quiet dignity of the dead

And everytime I see it, I cry.



(This can be sung to the tune of "In Vino Veritas" by A Wilhelm Scream)

Tik Tok

"Ain't got a care in the world, but I got plenty of beer"

I love top40 music right about now. It is all about going out and getting crazy at a club and telling the DJ to turn it up.
And I love seeing my friends and family. Thanksgiving was a complete success. Great food, even better people. Life was lived, maybe a tad irresponsibly, but I always remembered what was truly important - the people I love and who love me. And really, at the end of my life, what am I going to remember - getting a good grade on a paper I don't care about or going out to a seedy dive bar with the people I love most in the world and having an amazing time?

But let me be clear on one thing - I'm not advocating living recklessly and irresponsibly forever. Then you risk becoming a total jackass who only cares about the Party and not the People at the party. You hurt yourself and those around you. But sometimes, you need to eat too much, smoke too much, drink too much, and just let loose.

Outcasts welcome home

True story


I could give you lessons on how to ruin your friendships,

Just sing along,
I'm the king of catastrophies,
I'm so far gone,
That deep down inside I think it's fine by me,
I'm my own worst enemy

Maybe the bombs look better from where you're standing
maybe the chronic fatigue and lifeless noon-times
are something you've been waiting for
but i don't see it like that


your three piece isn't war paint
and your polished vocabulary still doesn't get you to say what you want


so i stole your students
i gave them color in their faces and revolt in their steps
let them call out all of your officials with half truth blindfolds
and gave them reason to strip all of your system failed defense


took all of your lab coats and handed them to the frozen faces
in the dark alleys on these midwinter nights
lifted all your padlocked journals and plastered all the hidden antidotes
on every surface i could find

Shared memory

I always find it so strange how people come together simply because they experienced the same thing together.
I find it strange and wonderful.

I love it when I see people who I went to Poland with. Sometimes you just need to say, "Remember Auschwitz/Birkenau? That was so heavy and affected me a lot." And they'll say, "I know, I feel the same."
Sometimes all you need to do is lock eyes and nod. And they know.

So, I would just like to take this time to say - Thank You. To everyone who has shared a lifechanging experience with me. Whether it be Ukraine at an orphanage/hospital. In Poland, at( ). Just kicked it on the porch in the early Spring and talked about life. Or any other experience.

(re)Memory continued...

Most times I think it is just my English Major/douchebaggery that makes me look for patterns in life. Sometimes, I think it is God/Life/fate or whathaveyou. Regardless, the whole idea of memory and past has been on my mind a lot as of recently.

It is crazy to look back on your life and think about how different you would be if you had reacted differently in certain situations, or if situations had just gone differently.

4th Grade - I really wanted to play PopWarner football. When 5th Grade rolled around and I was given the opportunity to play, I vehemently turned it down...for no apparent reason.
15 years old - I was able to travel to Cambridge to study for three weeks in the summer. While there, I decided to go out to a club with my group. While there, I saw a girl in line who evoked such visceral emotions from me - emotions so powerful I've never felt anything like them before. I then spent the last week of my trip there with her, and she ended up shaping the next 4-5 years of my life in drastic ways.
16 years old - I go and see my younger sister's play. While there, the Lead of the play spots me and thinks I am good looking. Through an awkward and unbelievable set of circumstances, I end up becoming best friends with the Lead. We have so many memories together, it is insane.
Freshman year of college - my friend has me talk to her younger sister, and we hit it off. Through a crazy series of events we end up becoming involved with one another a few years later.

I could go on and on. But I won't.

I will end by saying that...I think I always end up in the right place at the right time. Like today. Instead of having my normal class, we went to go see a special speaker. I walked in to find a close friend there, a friend who was not at all excited about this speaker or what he had to say. After 50 minutes, we walked out of that lecture hall together, and she was so angry and filled with emotion that she was shaking and barely able to form sentences. But I was there for her, and I listened to her vent, and when she was drained, I offered my support and advice.
What would have happened had I not been there? Would she have found someone else to vent to right away? Would she have bottled her anger away and let it fester?
What would have happened?
What would have happened if...

(re)Memory

I've been thinking about memory a lot recently. And the past.

And while I still don't have the ability/desire/will/inspiration to write back yet
I will say

MxPx's "Slowly Going the Way of the Buffalo" is a great album. I nostalgia-d so hard when I listened to "I'm Okay, You're Okay" and "Tomorrow's Another Day".


You tell me nothing's wrong
Seems like I've been gone oh so long
Nothing seems to have changed
Yet the familiar things seem all so strange

we excuse ourselves from progress by post-altering our motives
stories set to match whatever beat that drives the impulse

The worst writers are the ones who fuck up happy endings.
The best ones don't bother to type.

(I've been writing you a letter in my head for months with no reply.
When did your interest in me die?)

November

Is always the coldest of months.
Not in terms of weather. Just in terms of what it represents.
Death. An Ending.
It always seems so much bleaker in this month than any other.
December fills you with the warmth of family and Holy Days.
January brings the birth of a new year.
February is for lovers and points toward the Spring.
But for 30 days, November stands like an immobile monolith, casting a grey pallor across the landscape of an individual's soul.

Hey!

I'm back and feeling pretty good.
Though not so inspired creatively.

Decided that I should probably focus on school work. And that is going pretty well. Rocking some assignments. I'm actually loving my Religion 251 assignment - find 5 articles and 1 book about Christianity in relation to other religions. Super fascinating. And I've discovered that the Catholic church is pretty sweet!

Going to the gym more regularly. Looking to lose weight and tone muscle (not gain muscle). Have to stick with it.

Playing online Risk with my housemate at www.conquerclub.com. We are playing 2 team games right now. In our first game, we are a few turns away from victory. But in the second one, we were dealt terrible starting locations, so it looks like I am a few turns away from annihilation. And that sucks.

Oh well.

Nothing too much else to say. No existential crises. No insightful comments.

Just contentment.

Catharsis for Dummies.

I spent the night in. Housemate, friend, Community, FlashForward. Tequila, Gin, and wine. Catharsis for dummies.
At least I won't wake up to a trashed room feeling vaguely of failure. And hopefully I won't wake up and punch my bedside candle. That would suck.

Friendship

I know I say this so much, almost to the point of it being cliche, but I love my friends. And what I've come to know over the course of a few years is that life is really about who you surround yourself with.
And I'm too tired to wax existential about this topic.
I'll close with a quote my housemate told me...

"Happiness is only real when shared"



Life won’t wait for me to get back on both my feet again
But it doesn’t matter to me anymore
Just know that I’m going to get what I came for
‘Cause when opportunity knocks you have to let her in

Life

Sometimes, you have to go to a bowling alley with some friends...and maybe smuggle in a copious amount of alcohol and get kind of drunk and then go play Wii Mario Cart and be ridiculous.

Sometimes, you have to have a long day at work...and have it all turn out okay (even though you are feeling shitty, sick, and hungover) because you have some good friends there.

Sometimes, you have to go out and smoke Hookah with a group of close friends and new friends...and maybe everything will be amazing.

I know I've said this before, but I'll say it again...I have a great group of friends. They put up with my shit, hangout with me, and are generally just rad-tastic!!

No, the irony is not lost on me

I went out for a beer and some food tonight with my housemate, and we got to chatting as we do. And he brought up just how people are almost afraid of the outdoors nowadays. We surround ourselves with so much technology and modern comforts, we've forgotten what it is like to be outside. He told me about how when he goes home, all his friends want to do is just watch a movie or play video games. Now, both those activities are sweet, but what ever happened to going to the beach? or the classic Sunday afternoon drive? or hiking through the woods?

I'm not saying I am any better, but whenever I do spend time in Nature, there is a certain contentment I feel that I can't get anywhere else.

I know I've mentioned this several times before, but one of the things that really stands out about my semester in Hungary is the trip we took to Croatia. We spent the day digging holes, planting trees, and then I hoped on a shitty little bike and went riding with three friends. For that hour, we were free from the modern world. There were no power lines. We saw 2 cars. No cellphones. Nothing but the open road, surrounded by flowing fields. The setting sun.

And in that moment, we were infinite.

The Office

I'm not a huge huge fan of The Office, but there is a scene in the past episode I find especially moving. It is when Jim's brothers hijack the wedding and everyone starts dancing to Chris Brown's "Forever" (ala - that youtube video), and Pam's sister asks her "Wait, you're okay with this?" Even though her wedding had just been shanghaied, Pam was still okay with it, because it made everyone else happy.

That scene helped me realize - some things are bigger than you. Sometimes, things don't turn out exactly how you want them to, but if everyone else is having a great time, then what is the problem? You have to find contentment in yourself - but if a moment you had always wished for gets ruined by your friends, you have to be able to shrug it off and indulge in their happiness.

Change

Life is defined by change. Dynamics, situations, and relationships are fluid and ever shifting and rearranging. For a guy like me who likes things stable and consistent, change can be hard. But I was thinking today about how positive change can be. If life was static, stable, and secure like I sometimes wish...I would have missed out on some of the greatest times of my life. Would I be content in some stable/unchanging life? Maybe. Would I have lived a full life? Absolutely not.

I believe in the life that we seek.
It can far outweigh the risks we take.

But much as things will always change, it is important to hold onto some things. To stay grounded in what really matters and not just let life's unrelenting pace carry you adrift. For me, I hold on to certain moments in my life that truly captured something important and defining.

Walking alone in the rain at Birkenau.
Staying with BabyMamu until the very last possible second.
The smile and laughter of all the Roma children.
Sitting on Gellert Hill and just watching the clouds drift across the sky.

Real quick here!

I'm totally obsessing about Lights' new album "The Listening". Lyrically, it is so hopeful and uplifting. I really like the lyrics to the song "Lions!"


Be steady on your feet
No matter the trouble you meet

Lions make you brave
Giants give you faith
Death is a charade
You don't have to feel safe to feel unafraid

I'm learning how to get up off my knees and all it takes is practice


Such a good outlook to have on life.

Sometimes

Sometimes, instead of doing homework, you go out to the bar with a couple of good friends. Sometimes, you tell ridiculous stories. Sometimes, you laugh and enjoy the night. Sometimes, you are able to push away the cares of the world. Sometimes, you are thankful for such friends. Sometimes, you realize that life is more fragile than you'd like to believe.

And my Lord, how much more of this pretending to be strong?

I'm a bit of a manic when it's not as I plan it
'Cause I start losing my head and then I get up in a panic

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Why does my ankle still hurt like a SOB?!

The best worst influence you'll ever meet.

I have a good friend of mine (not a buddy, not an acquaintance, but a genuine friend) who once told me, "Paul, I love you because you make me a worse person." When I finally pressed him about what that meant he said, "You keep me grounded." There was one day when he had a rough night and got back at about 8am. I was drinking wine and finishing a paper. He came in, and said, "Is that alcohol?" I nodded. He walked up to me, grabbed the bottle, and took a long hard swig. I asked, "Hard night?" He simply nodded. We spent the next hour drinking wine and swapping stories. Finally, I went to Calvin, and he skipped class and went to bed.

The thing is though, that in his own words, I convinced him to "drink in the morning - a conventionally bad decision", but one that taught him to realize it is his life, a life he has to live for himself, and find peace for himself.

I may be a wino-existential mess, but I try to keep things real. I try not to hide my faults. I try to see the good in people. To give them the best advice I can. To urge them on toward their dreams. To urge them not to accept mediocrity. Take a risk.

When you grow old, what will you regret. The risk you took or the risk you didn't take?

Innocence reclaimed

I'm listening to the debut album from the musician Lights - "The Listening", and it is beautiful. Synthpoppy goodness. But the lyrics of the song "Pretend" really speak to me. It is about the loss/reclamation of that childlike innocence we all once had, but lost the older we got.

Remember the times
We had soda for wine
And got by on gratitude
The worst they could do to you
Was check your attitude

Yeah, when fights were for fun
We had water for guns
And a place we could call our own
How we lost hold of that
I guess I'll never know

It would be nice to start over again
Before we burn out
I'd give my breath
Let's play pretend

Bring me the Disco King

Somedays, you just have to skip class in order to ponder...what is the point of it all? This academic rat race. This sick slow decay. This stifling of your personal creativity. The fact that college/classes condition you to think a particular way. College has done a lot of good for me, but at the same time...what has it killed inside of me?

The Galilean Satellites

So, one of my favorite albums is "The Galilean Satellites" by Rosetta. It is a beautiful album, with one half being all heavy post-metal, and the other half being atmospheric ambiance. A contrast of night and day. Light and dark.

But what is really important is the story this album tells. It is about a man who becomes dissatisfied with the world around him, so he leaves for a place of solitude. When he arrives at that place, he realizes that he left everything meaningful to him behind and that he is ultimately empty.

Now, I like this theme because I often feel like the unnamed man in this story. There are plenty of times in my life that I just seclude myself from the world around me. Shut out my friends. Hole up in my room. Stare at a screen. But deep down, I always know how empty I feel when I do that. Life is about relationships. In the words of my favorite poet - No man is an island.

I just felt I needed to say that.


how long I’ve been away from your home,
how long – I’ve drifted away - I’ve drifted away

I miss them all,
the halves of me.
I’m wondering...

(dis)Connect

I was thinking today about how disconnected we all are now. In a lot of ways, technology allows for anyone to connect with anyone. My housemate is in China, and I saw his face this weekend. We email regularly. I click a button, and 5 seconds later, a letter is transferred to the other side of the world. Connected.

But at the same time, in person, everyone is so cold and detached. Walking along the path at Calvin today, I'd wager that at least 50% of the people were plugged into their iPod. Texting on their Blackberry. Avoiding the eyes of others. Disconnected.

Is this the kind of life we should be leading?

Memory

I was 20 years old
The first time I went to Auschwitz
I didn't take a single picture
If those images aren't burned into my memory
I wasn't worthy to be there.

A jaded lover / a hopeless romantic

So, Houston Calls will forever be the band I go to when I am feeling a little romantic. Ahhh....innocent crushes. I'm way too awkward to ever say anything, but it is still pretty sweet when the girl you are interested in will take time out of her day and talk to you.
I'll let you all in on a secret, much as I affect an air of arrogance and cockiness, it is all a facade. I'm actually really shy, sweet, and romantic. If I'm holding a coherent/normal conversation with you, that means I (probably) don't have any romantic inclinations towards you. If I clam up and shuffle awkwardly and glance nervously, that means I like you and think you are cute.
Also, why are girls not more assertive?

I know you can’t believe, dear, that I would say this
But once-upon-a-time’s can happen and all you have to do is grab them.
Stay near. I hate to make you wait, dear. I’d never want to.
But what’s a boy supposed to do when happy-ever-afters might come true?

Anytime, I would be there for you.
Open your eyes, I’m here and waiting for you.

"Stay With Me Tonight" - Houston Calls

(also, when he key changes for the last chorus....pure magic)

Stickers

I was cleaning my room the other day, and I found a bunch of stickers that I took from my house in Wisconsin. I put two of them on my laptop. One is of Snoopy laughing - a reminder not to take life too seriously, to always be willing to laugh no matter how I am feeling. The other is of Snoopy at a typewriter being serious and typing - a reminder that I need to buckle down and do some legitimate writing, to do what I love, to make some art.

Also, I will always love Peanuts. Snoopy in particular.


Also, I am pissed that the Kill Hannah pre-order digital downloads aren't working. Oh well, it will be sorted out soon enough, and the hard copy of the album + other sundry items will be arriving within the week!!

Hospitals (a true story)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2exE-td4F3k

Maybe it is due to my general sense of emotional retardation. Maybe it is because I have spent too much time in hospital waiting rooms. Maybe it is the rain, the late night, the time of year. Whatever the reason...this video always makes me cry.

I really love music videos that tell a story. Yes, watching a band jam out for 4 minutes can be sweet, but I think a music video should be just as artistic as the song it is conveying. And this video succeeds. And it is especially close to my heart because of this past Spring semester.

It was an average day, a few weeks into semester, when I got word that something was wrong. My friend had cancer. There are no words to describe what I felt, especially since my old neighbor's/best friend growing up dad had died due to cancer when I was in Hungary. John Bruyette was an amazing man, full of life, laughter, and acceptance...he died and I couldn't even attend the funeral because I was half a world away.

So, I learned that my friend had cancer. And I mentally prepped myself for The Phone Call. When I saw she was calling, I went out into the less-used entrance of the Library Annex (by Meeter Lecture Hall). She was on serious painkillers, and I knew what she was about to tell me...but when the words, "I'm in the hospital. It is cancer" came over the phone, I lost it.

Later that day, I went with the other members of Sojourners' to visit her. We may be a bunch of alcohol consuming punks who don't know our heads from our asses, but we care for our friends and will stick with them in their time of need. Still, it was hard to see her there. Normally she is the epitome of life and love and laughter...but there she was, tubes stuck in her, looking weaker than I'd ever seen. She managed a weak smile when we came in, but she was hurting. She retold us all what had happened to her. It was exactly what she had told me over the phone, but it was evident that she needed to tell her story, to come to grips with its reality. There wasn't a dry eye in the room.

Due to the medication and the overall overwhelming nature of the situation, she was prone to panic attacks if there were too many people in the room. After a few minutes, we were all sent out into the Waiting Room. Bad coffee, worse TV, and year old magazines. I'm pretty sure we didn't say a single word to each other. Just looked blankly at the tiled floor.

It came time for us to leave. We four waited outside her room as the nurses took her bloodwork. In that sterile hallway, a housemate took me aside and asked me how I was doing. In the midst of this rollercoaster of emotion and tragedy, he still thought of others. I had been wrapped up in my own pain. To have him ask me how I was doing meant the world.

The next day, he and I went back to visit her before class. Even a day later, she was doing better. She could walk. And we walked her around the floor. She could smile again. And I guarantee you, there is nothing more beautiful in the world than seeing someone smile. She was still so exhausted and worn. We left, and I promised to visit the next day (Sunday) early in the morning to have a church service with her.

That night, we had a party at the Sojourners'. I was in mental/existential funk, so the alcohol really affected me. I was less drunk and more just...not there. I couldn't make decisions properly, in part due to the alcohol, but mostly because I just needed to disconnect. Anyway, the party ended up being really shitty, and I slept in my housemates room, got about 3 hours of sleep, before I woke up to go visit her in the hospital.

I must have been a sight that morning. I no doubt reeked of cheap booze. Disheveled hair. Unwashed clothes. I generally just looked like a sketchbag. But I showed up at about 6.45am, Bible in one hand, and Tennyson in the other. And we spent 4-5 hours together that Sunday morning. I read her some passages from Psalms about God's providence and care (were those passages for her or for me?). She made me crawl into bed with her and sleep for an hour. I held her hand as the nurses took her blood. I walked with her around the hospital floor and was generally a bad influence on her. I tried so hard to convince her to steal a nurses gown and a stethoscope and to go "diagnose" other patients on her floor. I made her laugh so hard, I was honestly afraid she wouldn't be able to breathe.

It was just amazing to see her transform over the course of 3 days. Day 1, she could barely smile, had no idea what was going on, and was the weakest I'd ever seen her. Day 3, she was outwalking me, laughing harder than ever, and her smile let me know that everything was going to be alright.


And for those of you keeping close attention to this insanely long post - this is the Tennyson I read. The Prologue to "In Memorian A.H.H."


Strong Son of God, immortal Love,
Whom we, that have not seen thy face,
By faith, and faith alone, embrace,
Believing where we cannot prove;

Thine are these orbs of light and shade;
Thou madest Life in man and brute;
Thou madest Death; and lo, thy foot
Is on the skull which thou hast made.

Thou wilt not leave us in the dust:
Thou madest man, he knows not why,
He thinks he was not made to die;
And thou hast made him: thou art just.

Thou seemest human and divine,
The highest, holiest manhood, thou.
Our wills are ours, we know not how;
Our wills are ours, to make them thine.

Our little systems have their day;
They have their day and cease to be:
They are but broken lights of thee,
And thou, O Lord, art more than they.

We have but faith: we cannot know;
For knowledge is of things we see;
And yet we trust it comes from thee,
A beam in darkness: let it grow.

Let knowledge grow from more to more,
But more of reverence in us dwell;
That mind and soul, according well,
May make one music as before,

But vaster. We are fools and slight;
We mock thee when we do not fear:
But help thy foolish ones to bear;
Help thy vain worlds to bear thy light.

Forgive what seem'd my sin in me;
What seem'd my worth since I began;
For merit lives from man to man,
And not from man, O Lord, to thee.

Forgive my grief for one removed,
Thy creature, whom I found so fair.
I trust he lives in thee, and there
I find him worthier to be loved.

Forgive these wild and wandering cries,
Confusions of a wasted youth;
Forgive them where they fail in truth,
And in thy wisdom make me wise.

Building off the last one

The last post was getting a bit long, so I thought I'd make a new one. Stream of consciousness right now. The need to write is burning in me, and this is blog helps with that.

After a glorious day, I'm ending it with a glass of Pinot Noir. A couple candles flicker in my dark room. The gentle noise of the rain melds with the soft melody of Lights' "Drive My Soul".


When we were driving in the countryside, we saw a middle-aged yuppie cycling. For the next 10 minutes, my housemate and I hypothesized about what his existence was like. The upper-middle class American "dream". A big house, a wife, 3 kids, success at his job. Ultimately empty on the inside. No real life anymore. A slow decay. A carefully crafted facade that is only skin deep. A sickening slide into mediocrity.

I never want that.

A part of me is scared to death about graduating college. I've been in school for roughly 16 years. It is pretty much all I know. I don't really know what I'll be doing after college. I have a few vague ideas, but everything is so transitory and uncertain.

But here is one thing I will believe until my dying day. As long as you surround yourself with good friends, it really doesn't matter what you do. Of course, you should still try to follow your dreams, but it is important to realize that people are really what life is about. Relationships. Friendships. Something our American mindset doesn't really stress anymore. The American Dream is all about being successful. A narrow definition of what success is. The corner office. A trophy wife. 2.5 kids. A big house in the suburbs. Surrounded by people just like you. Vapid, empty, meaningless. The never ending shuffle of promotions, cocktail parties, mortgages, acquiring newerfancierbetter things than the Jonses.

Song lyrics are meaningful to me. And I think that the song "Calendar Year" by Haste (now defunct, sadly) is especially moving.
And indictment of our empty culture that values "Security" over Risk. That defines what Progress is. Draws lines in which you have to live your life and abide by.


Remember our worlds much younger
focused on the goal and not the risks
More years go by and the less we notice
living in fear of any consequence
What is compromised?
Settling for security
"It could be worse" as life's philosophy means
that nothing will be any better
Trading ambition and our own confidence

I will not be measured by days
Bound for nothing
I will decide my own fate
Our expectations match the sky
but our reservations block the light
Here it comes again

First to the punch
they will decide limitations by which to abide
Define achievements by whose standards
No fear of living beyond the lines
A revolution against apathy
I will decide what progress means to me
These rules that bind me
I will change...ignite this spark into a flame

Halcyon days / Autumn Beauty

Today was a great day. I had lunch at Bombay with my sister and her boyfriend which was a lot of fun. After that, things were looking grim. I was hanging out not doing anything, shiftless, avoiding homework. Another Sunday wasted in front of a screen.

Then, everything turned around. 2 of my good friends and I went out for coffee, and decided to go for a drive. Meijer Gardens was closed by the time we got there. By the time we would have reached the beach, it would have been sunset. So we just went cruising in the countryside. Small Midwest American towns. Autumn beauty. Open windows, wind in our hair, laughter, the beauty of youth.

We pulled off the road and parked in a quarry-esque place and walked down to the river. The shore line was beautiful, not too heavily wooden, still green, not too many artifacts of humanity. Standing on the bank, looking across the expanse of water, my housemate decided to hop in the water. He stripped down to his skivvies and waded right in, cursing all the while.

It took a few minutes for my other friend to do the same. I was left alone on the shore, soaking in the beauty of the moment...but not participating. A neutral observer. Thinking how everything was so perfect, so storybook. It took me a few minutes to realize that something was missing. I could observe this moment all I wanted. I was perfectly content on the shore, watching my two friends splash about.

But I realized that even though I was content, I would always regret not jumping in. So I stripped down and tentatively waded in. It was cold, the riverbed was rocky, and after just a few minutes my heartrate was jacked and I was having problems breathing.

And it was beautiful.


And I realized that in my life, I stand on the shore a lot, looking at the water, but never jumping in. I can act impartial, neutral, outside of it all. But I you only live once.




Addendum - the ride home was a lot of fun also. Our clothes were wet and muddy. We looked a bit like drowned rats. We were cold. And we sang together. Driving as the sun was setting, belting out Avril Lavigne, Green Day, Nickleback....every bad song we could think of, we sang.

Autumn

Lazy Autumn Sundays are best spent curled up in bed listening to Camera Obscura. Or going out to lunch with your sister and her boyfriend. Or maybe going downtown to catch Artprize.

Lazy Autumn Sundays are NOT meant to be spent doing a takehome exam.


He likes to read books written for girls
Prides himself on being a man of the world
It’s in the darkest places he gets his thrills
He will disappoint you, if you see through his perfect smile

Started Nothing

So, the last few posts have been me being super whiny and self pitying, and I apologize for that. I have a bad habit of thinking too much about myself and getting too hung up on little things.

So, in honor of that, I thought I share a relationship that me and a great friend of mine have. We are essentially the same person. We think a lot the same, feel the same ways about things, etc... I mean, of course there are differences, but the point remains the same - we are essentially the same person.
Well, it ends up that we have a mutual friend who we are both talking to at this time....and it turns out that we both basically say the same thing, "Well, it seems like X is having a hard time with life right now. I'm worried about him."
It made me laugh when our mutual friend told me this. One of my main faults is that I can often see the struggles of others, but not my own. Well, my good friend sees my struggles and when I am hurting. When I am down, he is up and there for me. When I'm sad, he's happy and trying to help me up. And vice versa.

Honestly, a lot of the time, I freak out about my life and have a hard time coping with shit. But whenever I really stop and think about my friends, or even just my acquaintances, I can't complain or even feel bad because....I know a lot of cool motherfuckers. Yes, we all have problems, and we all know each other's problems, but we all still care and try our hardest to help a brother/sister out.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - fuck yeah my friends. Some of you have lived with me and dealt with my shit. Some of you went to Hungs08 with me and dealt with my shit. Some of you have known me since Highschool and still deal with my shit. And I can never thank you enough.

Dreaming

So last night, I had some pretty crazy dreams.

First, I went and got pizza with Bill Kaulitz (from Tokio Hotel) late at night. It was sweet because I could speak German with him...and I tend to remember I could speak a decent amount of it still. But then we got kicked out of the pizza place because he kept getting naked...apparently that is what Europeans do.

Then, two people got turned into goats, and had to go on an epic quest to be healed. They went with a gandalf-esque character and two others. It was a long and kind of boring dream.

Then, I was living in some massive sweet tower-house with a bunch of people, but all the local townsfolk came to kill us, so we were running around everywhere. And the first time, we all got killed, but then I thought "Wait...let's try this again", so the dream restarted. And this time, we just hid in closets and secret passageways. And at the end, we had a massive shootout with nerfguns at the top of the tower.

Then, it was winter time, and I was walking home with the musician Lights, and we stopped to build a snowcastle. And it was super cute. And then it warmed up and everything melted.

I also remember there being something about this girl I think is really cute.

I've been so mad and furious
Love must be just for idiots

I'm shutting down
Breaking down
Getting out of this shithole ghost town
Cuz all these people keep asking me
Why I have my grandma's sad eyes

So I reach way down in the dark
To the bottom of my rotted heart
To a place deep in my black lung
For the song I haven't sung
Since I was a little brat
From Connecticut
When I felt so alone against the world
Always picked last

It saved me then, will it save me now?

It goes - "Universe, wrap your arms around me. Make me strong, so I can take on anyone."

I must have my grandma's sad eyes.

Mondays...

I am normally not a fan of Mondays. I am at school for about 12 hours, but this Monday was even better because I was suffering anxiety attacks all day. Fuuuuuuu-

But this weekend was good, if a little eye opening. I got to talk to some old friends. Play a little bit of matchmaker (I'm good at hooking people up with one another, but I suck at getting my own shit together...oh well, that's always the story). Paarty a bit too hard. Grill out with the neighbors. Enjoy life.

I'm trying to take life one day at a time.

Addendum

Stop. Rewind
to the moment in time
you stopped caring like I do

Don't try to devalue
the times that still feel true
The rest you can lie through



(and all the softest sighs, and all our lovers' pleas
are just a postscript now wrapped in parentheses)

That guy

So...it has been a year since I first went to Hungary. And I loved that country. And our trips to Transylvania (Gatorade bottles of cheap booze and coke to keep me warm), Poland, Ukraine, and Croatia...but mostly what I remember is me being a fucking trainwreck. An alcoholic, fucking shitstorm. And in hindsight, I've tried to tell people why I was the way I was...but I thought I would just right my story here for my own good.


I got to Hungary, and I was the king of the fucking world. 3 days later...I was in abject misery. The girl I loved (and I loved her, and fuck anyone who says shit like "you were too young to feel that") broke my heart. She stopped talking to me. And when she did end up talking to me, she made it painfully clear that she had moved on.

So I did the only thing I could -- I turned to cheap booze. I drank all the time. Like, the amount that this hurt me...I can't put into words. The love of my life, the person I was thinking about moving 1,200 miles for....broke my heart. 5 years of my most formative years. My own fault for that.

So, she broke my heart. And then I decided alcoholism was the best route. It was cheap, and it numbed the pain. And being cheap and easy, it lasted for too long. All semester. All Interim. All Spring semester. Summer. Fall. Weeks will pass where I kick the habit. But I still miss her. Every day. I miss her, and what we could have been.

And now I am too afraid to even let a girl know that I like her. Or even that I think she looks good. I'm so fucking awkward around girls now, it isn't even funny. I will always be a great friend to girls, but I will never move past that. And that is both good and bad.

I’m adding water to w(h)ine
Pretending I’m not that guy
I’m cracking jokes all the time
to cover up a steady decline


And now to Her.

Hey, I know you've probably forgotten me at this point, but you once told me that you would let me know when you were ready to talk again. Well, I'm letting you know - I'm sorry I fucked up so hard when we were ready to date. When I was growing up, I never knew if we should really date, and the whole long distance thing really freaked me out...and by the time I got over my fears, you were so turned off that you couldn't commit. I accept that. I was shitty at commitment, so the fact that you the same with me is not a big surprise.
But I just want to also say that...I forgive you. And I miss you. And I hope that things work out for you. I know you haven't had the easiest life, and I sincerely wish I had been the guy you would turn to and let comfort you. I won't be that guy. And we won't even speak any more. But I still love you. And I hope you find what you are looking for.

And I'm finally burying the ghost of you and me. Farewell. I'm still here, and I'm still waiting...but only if you want it.

-p

Way Out of Here

If you want, you can skip to the last two paragraphs....


Friday night finds me alone in my room. Watching episodes of my favorite shows. Relishing in my new favorite drink (vodka tonic, just a splash of lemon juice). I could be out right now. Out with friends. A few too many drinks. Maybe some shy smiles from across the dance floor. Some drunk (in?)sincerity. But I just don't feel like it tonight. Tonight is one of those nights best spent alone, trying to figure out...figure out what? Who I am? What I am doing with my life? My overall worldview? I guess I just don't know anymore. All I know is that my mind and soul need some time to themselves, and they are itching to burn a hole through a piece of paper (electronic paper works also), so I thought I'd oblige.

Life has been mixed as of recently. My classes aren't too hard, and I even enjoy some of them. Work is decent. I get a good amount of hours, I like the people I work with, and it isn't too hard. I have a good group of friends. I'm a total trainwreck, but they still love me.
So why do I feel so dissatisfied and restless?

I guess it all really came to a head when I finished Lev Grossman's book "The Magicians". The premise is not unlike Harry Potter - a disenchanted boy is thrust into the world of magic unexpectedly, except in this case, he goes to a magician's college. And while the books that "The Magicians" is derivative of (Harry Potter and the Narnia series, primarily) portray kids being thrust into a magical realm and all their dreams coming true...Grossman portrays a world that resembles reality. Quentin gets what he always wanted - a world of magic - but he isn't happy with it. He even gets to travel to the world (essentially Narnia) he read about as a kid - but he isn't happy with it. And so on...
When he gets what he wants, it isn't that his expectations are too high...it is just that they really just don't live up to what people said about them. After he graduates from his magical college, he and his friends all live together, but mostly what they do is drink and do drugs and drift steadily further apart. When he gets to Fillory, they have no idea what to do, so they drink and wish they had drugs. When they get a quest (the thing Quentin wanted more than anything in the world - a quest, an adventure to give his life meaning and direction)...people die and it is not like it is portrayed in the books. When they meet the god of Fillory (imagine Aslan), he is a prisoner, powerless in his own realm. They do defeat the evil Beast...but at what cost?

I read that book, and it was gripping, and I loved it, and when I finished, I just felt...empty. Not happy. Not sad. But vacant. Numb. Empty. I don't want to end up in the shiftless, directionless, hedonistic, and desperate life that Quentin and his friends find themselves in. But I know that there is a good possibility I will.



A lot of people are happy, and I am genuinely a pretty happy guy. But I will tell you about the time I really felt true joy and true contentment...


I was in Croatia, and we were digging holes and replanting trees for a church. It was menial labor, it was mediocre weather...but I had a group of good people with me, and I could see the fruits of my labor. And when we finished, I went biking. 4 of us. Croatian backroads, late Autumn, early Winter...it was the most beautiful thing in the world. We saw a grand total of 2 cars the entire time. The cold air was hard on my lungs, but I wouldn't trade that for the world. And I'd trade the world to have that back.

Come Undone

It has been 2 weeks? 1 week? Of classes so far. And already, I'm feeling the strain. I was never the best student, but I was able to skate by on natural ability and charm for a lot of my time in school. But now...I just want it to be over. I love the people at college, and I even like going to classes and learning....but the work just seems so pointless to me now. Utterly meaningless. Why yes, I can write a paper analyzing the theme of Orthodox Christianity in Tennyson's "In Memoriam", but why? Why?!?
Ever since we are little, we are always told to do something, but rarely are we told why we should do it. And if we are given a "why", it is usually a lie. "Get good grades in highschool - why? so you can get into a good college. Get into a good college - why? so you can get a good job. Get a good job - why? So you can make money and support a family? Have a family - why? Because you don't want to be alone."
And on and on and on.

I have two words for that kind of life - Fuck. That.

I'm trying (though my attempts are feeble) to start living for things that matter, things that I want to do, things that make me happy. Not just some rat-race, suburban life.
Let's just see how this turns out.

Life

Now, I have been working hard on trying to cut down on my profanity (I am pretty fucking vulgar), but let me just say - "Fuck yeah, my life!" I mean, the more I really think about it, the more my life really does kick ass. I live with an awesome guy, and that awesome factor will increase once Gremlin gets back from China. I have some awesome friends, and have a whole bunch of really cool acquaintances. I'm pretty good looking, have an alright personality, and am pretty well-adjusted to life.
I mean, of course, I have problems, but overall, I think the positive outweighs the negative.

So, fuck yeah for being alive. And for trying to make the most out of life.

I'll never be perfect, or even something closely resembling perfect, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love growing and maturing and progressing. And hopefully I'll always be doing that, and not end up all stagnated and lame.

Mind vs. Heart (The Cage Match)

I won't run now,
I won't run I'll hold it down
Even though it is a struggle
Just to stand my ground
I wouldn't have it any other way.
My heart is saying go
but my mind is saying wait, wait, wait

"Nagoya" - Houston Calls


I often wonder which one should reign supreme - heart or mind. When there is an either/or decision to be made...which one to follow. Impulse or rationality? I've been in plenty of situations where I follow my cold logic rather than burning impulse. And sometimes I think I've made the right decision, but other times, I kick myself and still wonder what my life would have been like if I had just followed my desire.
And I often feel that my rationality holds me back from life. Maybe I should act on impulse a little more often in the future. Find that healthy medium. Between reckless abandon and common sense.


Damn the state of our hearts and our minds
As our resolve slowly unwinds.
My eyes wide open, its poetry in motion
How our minds could let us pretend my heart's not in it.

"Behind the Gun" - Houston Calls.

Living in Misery

It is strange how much music can affect me.

I'm listening to the song "Living in Misery" by Kill Hannah, and I feel a passion boiling underneath my skin. I want to scream until my lungs collapse and my voice is gone. I want to cry and break something. I want to create beautiful art. I want to grab someone and hold on tight. I want to tear into an empty page with the weight of a thousand restless words.

To say this song is massive is an understatement. Some bands try to make epic songs and they come off as cheesy or forced. It has been a long while since I've heard a song this moving. The slow start. The slow adding of instruments. The children's choir at the end of the song. The perfect capture of despair and hope. Light and dark. The feeling of utter failure, yet the need to go on. To hold on.

Look in my eyes
And tell me just what you see
Schools that look like factories
A slowdance to our own heart beat

Look in my eyes
As missing children fill the street
Joan of Arc and Josephine
You can hear them sing...

We are living in misery
But we have to hold on...

Welcome to the End

I've officially sampled all my classes for this semester. The start of my last year. Mouthbreathers in every class. Religion will be the highlight, followed closely by English. Looking forward to Ballroom Danceclub. Hopefully, I'll get into Yoga. If not, I'll still run and try to pump iron with my Adonis of a roommate. I'm determined not to ever get fat. Or overweight. Or pudgy. Fuuuuuuu- all this weight I've gained. Time to rock the rabbit food. Need to get this mullet cut. I look like a pedophile. Not the best way to attract a woman. Damn my fear of commitment. I always think about emailing Her, but I know that would be a sign of weakness. It would be me breaking. I won't let that happen. I will not crawl back. No matter how damaged it made me. Should've been in bed hours ago. Insomnia. Class at 12.30pm tomorrow. Bottle of wine hasn't helped sleep status. Too much coffee today?

I want you to go away from me
I want you so much to stay with me

Perfect Symmetry

I sift through the wreckage for signs of life
Scrolling through the paragraphs
Clicking through the photographs

I dream in e-mails
Worn-out phrases
Mile after mile of just empty pages

And maybe you'll find life is unkind and over so soon.
There's no golden gate, there's no heaven waiting for you

Who are you? What are you fighting for?
Holy truth, brother I choose this mortal life.

Music blog

So, I'm currently listening to a couple tracks off of Paradise Lost's forthcoming album "Faith Divides Us - Death Unites Us", and I am pretty impressed. Now, I think the title of the album is wholly uninspired, but the title track and the other one on their Myspace page ("As Horizons End") are both totally catchy. Kind of a crunchy gothic metal sound, but not to the point of selling out their metal cred. Can't wait for this album to drop.

.

I see myself in you
Our greatest moments
Can't be stolen



Spent the last half week with a good friend/housemate. It was good see him again, to be able to laugh at inside jokes, drink, and have a couple good late night talks. I'm going to miss that kid all semester.
I also got to hangout with some other really cool people this past weekend. Some people were my friends, some I thought were just acquaintances. I went out dancing, and while I was still super self conscious and timid, I had some very nice people with me who taught me some moves.
And today, I think I'm going to hop on my bike and be out all day, seeing who is around. Spending the day with the people who really matter.


Waving smoke out the window
catch my hand against the background of night
Dragging fingertips through constellations

Juxtaposition

Today has been a weird day, theologically speaking.

I finished the book "Life of Pi" by Yann Martel, and then read "The Great Divorce" by CS Lewis.
From a theological standpoint, there could not be two more different books.

In "Life of Pi", Piscine, the title character, becomes a follower of Hinduism, Christianity, and Islam. He follows all three, blending elements of them together, but refusing to strictly follow a single one. In essence, Piscine adopts a kind of universalism view of religion - an "all roads lead to heaven" and that all religions are equal.

In the Preface, Lewis states the major point of the book, "We are not living in a world where all roads are radii of a circle and where all, if followed long enough, will therefore draw gradually nearer and finally meet at the centre."
Lewis argues that choices matter, and being a good person is not enough to get you into heaven. You must be willing to let go of yourself and accept the grace/mercy of God - and Lewis points out that letting go and accepting this gift is quite possibly the most difficult thing in the world for people to understand.

Lewis' conclusion is much harder for people to accept than Martel's. Martel gives a world where just devotion to the idea of God under the guise of any religion is enough. That trying to be spiritual is all you need in order to please God. To me, this ends up being ultimately a prideful and self-centered view - in essence, it allows a person to decide what/who God is. But it much easier to do that than to let go of yourself and give yourself up to God's grace/mercy.


And if I didn't have You as my guide, I'd still wander lost in Sinai
So I'll go ask Your forgiveness with every breath,

"Carousals" - mewithoutYou

I have a plan...

...to reclaim my youth/my life, to pull myself out of my depressive slump, to put an end to my apathy, to reach my full potential, to stop living a lie.

It involves you - my friends.
It involves getting outside.
It involves cameras.
It involves living simply.
It involves living in a way that would make our 6 year old selves proud.

Let's wake up the sleepers.

Politics(bleh) - thoughts on Gay Marriage

I used to be super political whilst growing up. And yes, a lot of my views were probably just the views of my parents/school/upbringing, but now I am becoming increasingly cynical/apathetic towards the political scene (another post in and of itself).

But all I can say is...I think it is totally crazy that people stand against gay marriage in this day and age. I mean, I can understand people opposing gay marriage from a religious standpoint...but from a legal/constitutional standpoint, there just seems to be about zero ground on which a person can base an argument.


I guess this entire post kind of stems from the song "Non-Dairy Creamer" by Third Eye Blind

"And two gay guys got married
And brought the family to its knees
How did they blow us to smithereens
Just a couple of queens
How did they do it
I'll tell you now
They brought marriage to an end
And I've found myself some culprits

It's two young gay... REPUBLICANS!!!"


I mean...as if a couple of gay people (who make up less than 5% of the US population) could bring marriage to its knees. That is a major point I hear when people oppose gay marriage - it will destroy the sanctity of marriage. I'm sorry, but the sanctity of marriage has been dead and gone for a long time now. Last I saw (years ago), 50% of marriages end in divorce. A more recent statistic claims that fewer people are getting married, just living together - as such, it is impossible to track how long those relationships last.

I mean, I guess, my point here is - this is America in the 21st century...and we are still freaking about about people's sexual orientation? I mean, people are basically having heart attacks because of the fact that guys like other guys?! Maybe I'm just way too accepting, or maybe it is just because I've known a lot of gay people over the years....but I mean, at the end of the day - is this the issue about which people want to dig trenches? Shouldn't we be trying to focus on more pressing issues like all the poor/starving/homeless/dying/unloved people amongst us?

Metallica

Metallica is pretty sweet. Don't let anyone tell you any differently.

Also, I'm heading back to Wisconsin in a day or two to hangout. Hooray for that!

Neurosis strikes again

Wow, I fail. If you start getting mild panic attacks when thinking about the girl you really like/when thinking about telling her you like her...then you know you have issues.
Much as I love talking to people and can make people feel accepted and put on a faux-arrogant bravado...I get insanely nervous and panicky around people who I am really interested in.
But maybe that isn't noticeable to other people?

Also, I tend to over analyze everything. For instance - am I posting too much on her facebook? Am I texting too much? Am I coming across as needy? Am I not showing her how much I care as much as I could be? AmIsittingtooclosetoher? amicomingacrossascreepyanddesperate? amithatguy?!

I think this is why I've been single for all of college...I get super neurotic about relationships and worry about everything.



But all of this is inconsequential because I will probably never say anything unless I am 99% sure a girl likes me back. And right now, I'm hovering around 60%. I'm not sure if she likes me or if she views me as a mentally-challenged older brother.


Also, curse the fact that I know this entire post sounds like some neurotic 14 year old girl's ranting. FML!!!

Ladies...this is for you

Hey, I'm not sure how often I post serious things here on this blog but here one goes (bear with me).

To all the women/ladies I know,
Thank you for not being total sluts or dressing like skanky hoes. That might sound a bit facetious, but it is totally true!!
Here's the situation...I went to Warped Tour and an Electronic Dance Night at Rosa Parks' Circle this past weekend (Friday and Saturday, respectively), and all I saw was girls in too little clothing. I mean....at Warped Tour, I literally saw girls in just bikinis, and at the Electronic night, I saw hottie girls in short skirts and tight shirts. It was any males fantasy.
And even though a part of me wanted to revel in the flesh buffet before my eyes, I knew that I couldn't. I tried my damnedest to avert my eyes (and not just because these girls were mainly jailbait for me). I averted my eyes because most (if not all) of the girls I knows are classy women. Women who deserve respect. Women who have taught me that all women deserve respect. And much as a primal part of me want to hook up with most of the girls I saw this past weekend...the more manly part of myself would never have allowed it...because I know all the women in my life that I look up to would have been disappointed.
So...I sometimes/mostly come across as a total sleaze ball...but I feel that action outweighs words. And I would rather tell you to "punch a motherfucker" than to grind up against a 16 year old girl.


Actions outweigh words...that will forever be my motto....

"A Little Death makes Life more Meaningful."

I heard this phrase from a song and from and old roommate. And to me, it makes a lot of sense. All four of my grandparents are dead...even just writing that is hard, but it is true. The two I knew best died almost exactly a year apart from one another. And death really does make things more meaningful. I can still remember...both times, I was in a play at school. I got off from rehearsal to go the funeral. It was a bittersweet time - hearing about the times of their lives that I hadn't heard.....but skipping school for a death? I never cried out in front of anyone over the loss of my grandparents. I told my girlfriend of the time about this...she consoled me somehow, and though she and I aren't together anymore, I will say that in my darkest moments (my grandfather's death, a friend's suicide attempt, etc...,) she was there. If I learned anything from that relationship, it is to always be there for the people you care about.

"The Past is only the Future with the Lights On"

I've made a lot of mistakes in my time here on Earth. I avoid friends when they need me most, I manipulate peoples' emotions, I lie to get my way....but despite all of that, I know that people still care about me. I can be the best friend ever...but I can also be the worst. In spite of knowing that, there are people who stand by me through the worst of times. I can be a shitty person, I realize, but I hope that those people who have meant so much to me over the years will somehow feel that I can never thank them enough for what they have done for me. Love always,

-P

I got a feeling...

I was going to write a whole bunch of meaningful/existential stuff on here...but then I heard the Black Eyed Peas new single "I Got a Feeling", and all I can think about is - a.) How catchy it is, b.) How much it epitomizes my "Live the Dream" philosophy.

Tonight’s the night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Let’s spend it up

Fill up my cup
Mazal tov
Look at her dancing
just take it off

Lets paint the town
We’ll shut it down
Let’s burn the roof
and then we’ll do it again


And I definitely did that this past weekend. Stayed mostly in control. Realized that even if I want to make a move on a girl, I don't want to be "that guy", so I never do. Also, if a girl does seem interested in me, she is usually way too subtle/won't really let me know what she wants, so I don't know how to progress. Oh party politics...

Fuuuuuuuu

You know what sucks? Finding someone who you are like, "Wow, this person is amazing, I wish I could date them", but then, because of distance you will never have that chance. It isn't just because you don't have the balls to tell them; rather, something is standing in your way. And it is bullshit. And you will always wonder. Because...they are so fantastic and totally meld with your personality and keep you interested...

We live as fast as we can

Ahhh...the bliss of being 21. I spent my 21st with BrotherJohn in Madison, and I honestly can't think of a better person to have spent it with. Beyond the drinking and partying, it really made me remember that I have a pretty kickass family. I mean, if I didn't have John as a brother, my life would be radically different than it is now. So, I'm totally thankful for him and every single one of my family members, even if they can be a bit much at times.

Spending time in Appletown made me totally thankful for my friends. I know some of the greatest people in the world, and I feel sorry for everyone that doesn't know them. I wouldn't be the person I was today without my friends. I may not be the best of friends at times, but you've all stuck by me even if I was being a jackass or going through a rough time.

So, to steal from a friend of mine - I thought I'd thank some of my closest friends.

Sranwrap - You are quite possibly one of the most fabulous people in the world. I was thinking the other day of how we first met and how it was quite possibly the most awkward meeting of all time. Still, I have so many amazing memories with you, that words are literally too inadequate to convey just how much I cherish you and all the times we've had together. I can't wait to see where you end up in life, but wherever you go...I hope I'll always be able to pass out on your kitchen floor.

Skeletor - I don't even know where to begin with you. I've looked up to you all my life and getting to really know you over the past couple years (since I've gone to college) has been fantastic. Tomfoolery. shenanigans. and good times always abound when you are near, but I always feel like I can ask you any question, no matter how serious, and you will give it an articulate answer. You've always been great to me, and I can't wait to live you again...just as long as you don't push me into anymore GI Joe boxes.

Gremlin - I echo your sentiments when I say, "Why the hell didn't I meet you sooner?!" But like you, I think we met each other at the perfect time in our lives. You are another one of the few people I know who I feel like I can ask any question and not feel like a jackass, and that means the world to me. You are hilarious, articulate, and are the most quotable person I know. I may make you a worse person, but you inspire me to be a better person...so hopefully we'll meet somewhere in the middle and end up being perfect. Regardless, when I finally move out into the real world, I'm always going to look back at the Sojourners' period of my life as a golden age because of you and the other people that made this place so rocking.

Whiskey - I don't know what to say without sounding suuuuper homoerotic, but I'll give it a try. I've only really known you for...less than a year? but it feels like I've known you for so much longer than that. I think it is insane how alike we are, and although it canbe frightning sometimes, it has been super helpful/fantastic to have someone like you around who I feel will understand my thought process and feelings and such. I tend to remember that although I miss the other two in our house when they aren't around, I get pissed when you aren't around because I generally have something hilarious/insightful/crazy to say to you. So get your ass back here and let's live the dream!

Kjae - You are another one of those people who it is kind of scary how similar we are, but again, that has been a source of comfort to me over the years, knowing that I'm not totally crazy and that someone else can at least relate. Looking in the past, I think it is pretty crazy that we are this good of friends now, but I'm super thankful. You are super accepting, something I value immensely, but I know you'd let me know if my behavior ever got too crazy or anything like that. You inspire me to be a better person, and you genuinely brighten my life, so thanks for everything.


That's all for now...I feel tired something fierce.

Heading home

I strapped my memories to my back. I'm leaving.
I'm already gone.
And I was on a train somewhere wishing sweet stings to you.
To make you never forget the poetry in wanting.
I want these days to hold you

"Standing Still Fast" - Planes Mistaken for Stars


This is one of my favorite songs of all time, and it always comes into my mind whenever I am about to go on a trip. Something about it just resonates with me. The first line in particular.

In any event, I'm heading home tomorrow.

Countdown

I turn 21 in less than 2 days. I'm going to spend it in Madison with BrotherJohn and his friends. Shenanigans will no doubt ensue. Here is a txt conversation between my brother and me.
J: We're going out thursday for margaritas and then apparently dancing our asses off
P: Sounds sweet! I'll try not to be a total trainwreck
J: Haha wrong! You will be annihilated!

I'm not sure if his last txt was an exhortation or simply a statement of fact. Either way, it'll be interesting to see where the night takes me.

I was thinking about writing a post about how much people can change over 3 years and shit like that....but nope. Not happening.


And so it begins.
It's the time of the season when
you're a man around town.
Imagination taking you where no
one else can.
Floating on sins that surround.
Count down to a dark town and so
it begins,

"Countdown" - Jupiter One

Prayers

I guess I don't pray very much anymore. And when I do pray, I often pray for inconsequential things like a zombie attack or the appearance of vampires. Something selfish.

But when I pray for real, I pray for peace. Peace for Baby Mamu and other abandoned children like him. Peace for people like Paige, who people would say she is going to Hell because she died not believing in their concept of God. That kind of peace.

I realize that I can come off as abrasive and uncaring at times, always wanting some new shit/excitement to go down. Honestly, I'd trade all my personal hopes and aspirations if the world would know a few months of genuine peace. Even a few days.

But that isn't going to happen. So it is up to me to go out and make a difference.



I think one of my problems in getting motivated in life is that I would listen to all these "special speakers" growing up at church or school or whathaveyou, who made it seem like I had the ability to perform miracles or change the world in powerful ways. To lead a new revival. To convert millions of souls.
But the thing is, as I've grown older, I realize, that is not going to happen. I mean, conceivably, it could, but it isn't. So rather than telling all kinds of hopeful, impressionable kids that they are going to accumulate all kinds of fame and miraculous powers, speakers should tell these kids that even if they live a pretty shitty life but end up making one child genuinely smile and feel hope...then they've changed the world.

Because really, that's all I hope for anymore. That I will make someone smile or ease someone's pain, if only for an hour. And even though it isn't the same and saving the world, it is still perhaps the most important thing that needs to be done.

Jaegermeister Tour review

Last night, I got out of work and hustled on down to the Intersection for a little concert fun!

I arrived a bit after 8, and the opener, Dommin, was already midway through their set. They played what I would describe as "Dark Romantic" (because "Love Metal" just sounds ridiculously stupid) along the lines of HIM and various bands of that ilk. Overall, they weren't too bad, and the crowd was obviously into them.

They were followed by Seventh Void, the Sabbath-inspired doom band fronted by Kenny Hickey (of Type O Negative). These guys were half the reason I came out to the show, so it was a bit of a bummer when the crowd thinned out during their set. Still, they put on a hell of a show. Also, Kenny had perhaps the best quote of the night when he said in his thick Brooklyn accent, "This next song is so heavy, you're going to shit your pants and forget your name for an hour."

After their 25 minute set ended, Kill Hannah took to the stage, the main reason I came out to the show. Now, I've seen Kill Hannah something like 5 times before, and this was probably the worst show I've seen them put on. It wasn't bad, but comparatively, it was lacking. Technical issues hampered guitarist Dan Wiese and bassist Greg Corner (neither of whom showed much enthusiasm on stage). However, singer Matt Devine gave one of his better performances - his vocals were solid and he took a fair amount of time to interact with the crowd. My favorite line of his from the night was, "Now, this is about show 4 on the Lacuna Coil tour....and I don't want to talk shit about anybody in Iowa or Oklahoma....but it is so fucking good to see civilized people with fashion sense. And teeth." Also, it was good to hear some of the new material that will be on the forthcoming album. "New York City Speed", "Acid Rain" (which they played last summer), and another song whose title I missed. All of them sound massive.

I only stuck around for a few songs of Lacuna Coil's, since I'm not a huge fan and had to work super early the next day. All I really remember is their male singer looking very Italian, sporting Musketeer-esque facial hair, and being waaaaaay excited/animated.

Overall, the concert was pretty mediocre. The crowd was super tame, and it seemed like the majority of the teenyboppers who were obviously there to see Kill Hannah only knew the newer material.

Copper and Stars

In this summer of Existentialism, I am struggling to find purpose and direction in life. Though I don't entirely know what I am going to do with myself, I know what I am afraid of - wasting my life dreaming and not living. Always wondering "what if". Always wanting, but never going after something.

and i don't want to say that i wasted my days chasing instead of catching keeping.
wasting wishes on copper and stars.

"Copper and Stars" - Planes Mistaken for Stars

so sing to me. to pull through. that we'll build to push on. sing you won't leave. until you feel summer on my face. sing, i'll sway

"Staggerswallowswell" - PMfS

Family Matters

So, BrotherJohn has been in town for the past week or so, living here while waiting for a wedding (which is tomorrow). It has been nice to have someone around, although he is spending a lot of time studying for the Colorado BAR.
When we do hangout though, we usually play a sweet boardgame called Arkham Horror (a Lovecraft inspired game in which we have to try to defeat an ancient evil before it enters our world). We also grilled out at his friend Justin's house last Sunday and watched "Punisher: Warzone" and "Taken". Yeah, basically we've just been kicking it, which is super sweet.

Anyway, I just thought I'd write to be like "Hey, my family is pretty sweet." Not all of us get along, and things can be awkward with the parents, but generally speaking, us siblings are pretty tight. And I enjoy hanging out with them.

On Dreams and Demons

If my dreams are to be believed, then
a.) Demons look a lot like the monsters from "Where the Wild Things Are"
b.) They cannot look at themselves in mirrors without recoiling in horror
c.) Covering them with Bombay Sapphire Gin and throwing a lighter on them is NOT an effective way to kill them
d.) They speak Slavic

That is all.

Harmonium

I'm currently listening to the album "A Natural Disaster" by Anathema, drinking a double shot of whiskey on the rocks. Kessler. American blend.
Anathema is great for reminiscing. Moody, melancholic, soft, introspective.
I spent this 4th of July mainly with my brother John and his friend Justin. We all went out for soul food at Sandmanns (on Wealthy St.) and rocked some bbq chicken. Afterward, John and I went back to Sojourners to watch "Beyond Reanimator". Mediocre film, but a good way to kill an afternoon. We then continued the Lovecraft theme by sitting down to a game of Arkham Horror. Justin came over and joined us near the end, though he couldn't help us stave off the awakening of Yog-Sothoth.
We then headed downtown for the fireworks. Found a decent parking spot, went in search of hotdogs - ended up finding hotdogs and tacos! Sat down on the bridge behind the most stereotypical white-trash family and waited for the fireworks.

4th of July always puts me in a weird mood now that I'm older. Growing up, the 4th was always such a great holiday because I was able to spend all day in Neenah with my friends. It was usually Sara and I hanging out, walking around town, meeting up with people, moving on, seeing other friends, and so on. Sitting in front of the lake to watch the fireworks. Something magical and timeless about that. But as that seems a distant memory now, and even though I wasn't alone this 4th, it didn't feel quite right. I know things will never be like they were in the past, but those memories and associations don't just go away. All I can do is cherish them and hope that future 4ths live up to them.

Ahh, the glorious month of July is here. And I've spent the past two days working. Class from 9-11.45, work from 12-2, work from 5-8. Racked up 12+ hours though in 3 days, which is nice. Maybe a hundred bucks, which isn't too much, but at least work has been a little more frequent as of late, and next week I should make a fair amount.

BrotherJohn is coming into town tomorrow for a wedding and then he'll be spending 2 weeks at Sojourners studying for the Colorado BAR. Hopefully we'll get enough people together for a board game night or two. But since he is coming, that means I have to clean the house - which is good, but daaaamn, I've let this place fall apart. I did so well for the first half of June, but I eventually just lost interest. And I'm finally going to clean out my car!!! Wow...I'm actually excited about that because it has been too damn long since Vissarion the Immortal has been clean.

Also, next week I'm stoked for the Seventh Void / Lacuna Coil / Kill Hannah concert. Lacuna Coil I can take or leave, but I'm excited to see Seventh Void. Kenny Hickey (guitarist of Type O Negative) is a good guitarist/vocalist. Hell, he essentially carries Type O's live shows since Pete Steele is too fucked up to play/sing with any degree of accuracy. And Kill Hannah is always killer to see, but especially since they have a new album coming out soon. The 3 songs I've heard them play live over the past year were epic, so I'm hoping that they debut a few more new ones.

Whoa....I'm gotten to the end of the post without the desire to engage in existential whiny horseshit. Am I turning over a new leaf? Oh wait...I got that all out today during my Am. Lit. essay exam. I was suuuuuper existential/emo for one question.

Here is my new life motto:

Don't trust a ho,
Never trust a ho,
Won't trust a ho,
(Cuz a ho)
Won't trust me.

The bleakness of humanity

So, I just finished watching the movie "Blindness" (based off the book of the same name - which I have yet to read), and it really got me thinking about how I would react in a situation like that.
Here's the set up - people spontaneously go blind so the government throws around a hundred of them in an old sanitarium where they are basically left to fend for themselves. The situation rapidly deteriorates both in terms of sanitary/habitable conditions and moral fortitude. Just imagine, living blindly in fetid squalor with a hundred other people, vying for control of the insufficient amount of food they give you.

In the film, the inhabitants quickly lose their sense of morality and descend into a survival of the fittest mentality, with one of the 3 Wards (each having 30-40 people) assumes control of all the food because they are the strongest and have some weapons. At first, they take the other people's valuables in exchange for food, but once that runs out, they exchange food for women. (While the film wasn't phenomenal overall, I do think it did depict the horror and depravity of that scene quite compellingly).

My question here is this - in such an extreme situation, would people (or myself specifically) be able to retain their morality and (in essence) their humanity? Beyond the question of "would they be able to" there is the question "Should they/should they be expected to retain their morality", and why?
When it comes down to it, are we fundamentally any different from animals?


After watching "Blindness" and reading Cormac McCarthy's "The Road", I'm confronted by the bleakness of humanity and how quickly people are ready to devolve into an animalistic state. Of course, both present not only the bleakness of humanity, but also those who weather the storm so to speak and retain the essence of the human-spirit. But in those books/film, those who are willing to fight for their humanity are so few and far between.

New month madness

Listening - Agalloch, Anathema, mewithoutyou

Reading - Bryant, Emerson, Thoreau


July is less than 12 hours away. The first 1/3rd of the summer gone. And what did I do? Not a whole lot. Lived like a hermit. Did some biking. Failed to maintain a steady workout routine. Did shitty in my Math 143 class.

I'm out of booze and down to 1 Xanax. Luckily, I'll be 21 soon and not have to ask people to buy for me. Also, I'm definitely planning on buying some Tommy Gun Vodka. It comes in a glass tommy-gun bottle. Be jealous.

I realize that I don't hate the Romantics as much as I thought I did. I'm a big fan of W. C. Bryant's "Thanatopsis". Something about Annihilationism does seem quite appealing. But maybe I've just been listening to too much doom metal.

Last night I dreamt of a place deep down where I could find peace
Come to me oblivion
("Dreaming of Oblivion" - Rapture)


Also, when reading the Romantics and how in touch with nature they were and how they saw God in nature, all I could think of was the line from Agalloch's "In the Shadow of Our Pale Companion"

Here at the edge of this world
Here I gaze at a pantheon of oak, a citadel of stone
If this grand panorama before me is what you call God. . .
Then God is not dead

Lunch of a King

Today, I cooked myself an altogether fabulous lunch - homemade burgers.

I took about a pound or so of ground-beef (enough for 4 decent size patties), threw it in a bowl and proceeded to mix in: a goodly amount of barbeque sauce, a spray of ketchup, a dab of mayonnaise, and a handful of shredded cheese. Mash that all together, and slapped the four patties into a skillet (sadly, I do not own a grill).
While that was cooking, I tossed in a helping of french fries into the oven and cooked those right up.

15 minutes later, I was eating my meal. Sadly, two burgers mostly fell apart and the other two were splitting apart (possibly a failing of the type of beef I used, possibly I just didn't mix the patties well), but overall it was still delicious. Ooh, I also added some cheese, ketchup, and lettuce to the burgers and served them on whole-wheat buns and had some baby-pickles on the side.