I'm currently job hunting. And it sucks, but listening to Agalloch's newest album Marrow of the Spirit helps get me through.
I've always loved their lyrics. A lot of naturalistic imagery. The music itself evokes images of wild, primal nature - vast, untamed forests; windswept, snow covered mountains....
They escaped the weight of darkness
to forge a path into the marrow of the spirit
They chose to drown in a deeper vacancy
an emptiness that quells the null
a pool for the forgotten
They escaped the weight of darkness
to drown in another...
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
I wouldn't consider myself a "religious" person. I try to "keep an open mind" (whatever that means) when it comes to those sorts of things. But as of lately, I've realized that I am wasting my life away - and that "wasting" cannot be ascribed to my genetic disposition or inherent calling for something else. Still, I hesitate to call this "wasting" as a 'wasting' of my "God given talents"...that feels like a cop out to me.
Rather, there is something else here. It's not a waste of my naturally given talents. Nor is it me wasting my God given talents.
Are people destined for certain things? I believe that maybe they are. Are people gifted with certain talents? Yes, they probably are.
Growing up, I was always taught that you had a specific calling in life, a Calling From God. I was taught that This Calling was something from the Divine.
It wasn't something that had to do with the talents you had.
But what if, for one second, we all forgot about what other people thought "God's intention" was for us. (Because, let's be honest...a lot of how you define yourself, at least in a Christian environment, is via what other people think of you and think what you will be). What if we all of the sudden synthesized our own lives - like Eric Liddell. What if we are called somewhere, but first we have to say, "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast."
I once had a Religion prof. tell us a story - he was choosing between two jobs. A well paying and visible position as head pastor of a mega-church, or the two year teaching position to fill in for a different professor. (Theoretically, it shouldn't be that hard - stability and better money vs. two years of worse pay and then lets find a new job). But this man was in a quandary, and he turned to some friends who asked him, "Well, have you asked God for His plan?"
And do you know what my Prof. replied?
He said, "I have...and to be honest, it doesn't seem like it makes a big difference to Him. Both sides have their merits, both sides have their cons. God will be able to use me in either position, but I wanted your help to narrow it down."
Rather, there is something else here. It's not a waste of my naturally given talents. Nor is it me wasting my God given talents.
Are people destined for certain things? I believe that maybe they are. Are people gifted with certain talents? Yes, they probably are.
Growing up, I was always taught that you had a specific calling in life, a Calling From God. I was taught that This Calling was something from the Divine.
It wasn't something that had to do with the talents you had.
But what if, for one second, we all forgot about what other people thought "God's intention" was for us. (Because, let's be honest...a lot of how you define yourself, at least in a Christian environment, is via what other people think of you and think what you will be). What if we all of the sudden synthesized our own lives - like Eric Liddell. What if we are called somewhere, but first we have to say, "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast."
I once had a Religion prof. tell us a story - he was choosing between two jobs. A well paying and visible position as head pastor of a mega-church, or the two year teaching position to fill in for a different professor. (Theoretically, it shouldn't be that hard - stability and better money vs. two years of worse pay and then lets find a new job). But this man was in a quandary, and he turned to some friends who asked him, "Well, have you asked God for His plan?"
And do you know what my Prof. replied?
He said, "I have...and to be honest, it doesn't seem like it makes a big difference to Him. Both sides have their merits, both sides have their cons. God will be able to use me in either position, but I wanted your help to narrow it down."
Monday, March 21, 2011
The Protomen
I've been listening to The Protomen all day. A rock-opera based on Megaman? Yes please. I never really played Megaman or watched the cartoon show, but I love the whole concept behind these albums - very human and moving, not cheesy at all.
A mix of 1984, betrayal, romance, action - all set to this awesome mix of Sergio Leone/80's synth-punk.
My goal in life is to bring this to the stage.
"The State vs. Thomas Light" - the main character, Thomas Light, has been framed for the murder of his girlfriend by his best friend and co-creator of the robots, Albert Wily, and is being sentenced .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72dNF9LEhDE&feature=related
"Light Up the Night" - Light and the hopeful youth, Joe, make plans to retake the city from Wily's control.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkLvpt9Z3fA
There are the embers of a fire that's gone out,
But I can still feel the heat on my skin.
This mess where in, well you and I,
maybe you and I can
Light up the night
Sunday, March 20, 2011
I doubt all the time. I doubt some of the most basic things in my life. But I am trying to put that behind me. To reclaim faith and trust. It is hard...but it is necessary.
Forget your fears,
and want no more.
At first light, lay proud foundations.
Sense the greatness, of that before you unfolds.
Seek no more, for hollow answers.
Answers that lay within you all along.
Farewell to dawns,
see through saddened eyes.
Farewell to pasts,
to sorrows chained.
Forget your fears,
and want no more.
You will be strong,
and want no more.
You'll be adored,
you will have everything.
You will be strong,
and want no more.
Forget your fears,
you will have everything.
And want no more...
VNV Nation - "Lastlight"
Forget your fears,
and want no more.
At first light, lay proud foundations.
Sense the greatness, of that before you unfolds.
Seek no more, for hollow answers.
Answers that lay within you all along.
Farewell to dawns,
see through saddened eyes.
Farewell to pasts,
to sorrows chained.
Forget your fears,
and want no more.
You will be strong,
and want no more.
You'll be adored,
you will have everything.
You will be strong,
and want no more.
Forget your fears,
you will have everything.
And want no more...
VNV Nation - "Lastlight"
Anachronistic and impulsive.
The other day, I had a lucid dream.
Lucid dreams are both amazing and terrifying. In my dream (in which I was...not awake, but at least aware), there were extraterrestrial entities after me who wanted to control me via my dreams. They took the form of my family. They attacked me, and I had to kill them. I was forced to kill my family in my dreams.
It was terrible.
There is no underlying morality or message here. Other than...sometimes dreams are terrible things. Terrible, scary, fascinating, wonderful, horrible places.
Your dream world is a very scary place to be trapped inside
-Anathema
Lucid dreams are both amazing and terrifying. In my dream (in which I was...not awake, but at least aware), there were extraterrestrial entities after me who wanted to control me via my dreams. They took the form of my family. They attacked me, and I had to kill them. I was forced to kill my family in my dreams.
It was terrible.
There is no underlying morality or message here. Other than...sometimes dreams are terrible things. Terrible, scary, fascinating, wonderful, horrible places.
Your dream world is a very scary place to be trapped inside
-Anathema
Friday, March 18, 2011
Eire's Day
A question - you pose a hypothetical/question. There is an underlying idea behind it. If you sharpen your hypothetical/question...does that underlying idea disappear/change?
One day I stood with my back to the wind
And the rain fell down
Raised my fist to the cobalt sky
And called to the Gods
...Where are you?
I stood in the stream with cold clear water
Rushing around me
Cold stone underfoot
And called again to the Gods
...Where are you?
I sat in the forest clearing
Surrounded by wood and leaf
A Raven watched my every move
I could feel my heartbeat Thundering
Deep within my veins
I set foot on foreign land
Held my brothers and sisters to me
And saw the same questions in them
Yet when I clasped their hands
I felt their Blood beneath mine
I had found my answer
One day I stood with my back to the wind
And the rain fell down
Raised my fist to the cobalt sky
And called to the Gods
...Where are you?
I stood in the stream with cold clear water
Rushing around me
Cold stone underfoot
And called again to the Gods
...Where are you?
I sat in the forest clearing
Surrounded by wood and leaf
A Raven watched my every move
I could feel my heartbeat Thundering
Deep within my veins
I set foot on foreign land
Held my brothers and sisters to me
And saw the same questions in them
Yet when I clasped their hands
I felt their Blood beneath mine
I had found my answer
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Maybe love isn't
something that you can write down. Maybe Love is one of those things that poets and novelists and songwriters will forever talk about but never grasp fully.
But perhaps it is my faults and sins that prevent me from knowing what Love Truly is. Maybe my apostasy, my half-faith prevents me from knowing Love.
Maybe Love is giving up all of your Self. Maybe Love is absence of Self, subservience to Another.
I stopped believing, You start to move
(She was like wine turned to water then turned back to wine)
I stopped my leaving and the better man bloomed
(And you can pour us out and we won't mind)
But perhaps it is my faults and sins that prevent me from knowing what Love Truly is. Maybe my apostasy, my half-faith prevents me from knowing Love.
Maybe Love is giving up all of your Self. Maybe Love is absence of Self, subservience to Another.
I stopped believing, You start to move
(She was like wine turned to water then turned back to wine)
I stopped my leaving and the better man bloomed
(And you can pour us out and we won't mind)
Maybe love is...
I can tell you what Love isn't.
Love isn't physical. An aspect of it can be, but Love Itself is not physical. If anything, Love is the opposite of the Physical. It is the Emotional. It is the Spiritual. It is found most deeply in the moments when you hold each other and whisper things you find it hard to talk about. That's love.
And Love isn't thinking only about your own satisfaction. It keeps a constant eye on the other, and their emotions. And what they want.
In order to love, you need Two. And Both need to support each other. (I reject the notion of Love as "completing someone else"). You support, you nurture. You hold the other up when they are down, and be with them when they are up.
Love isn't physical. An aspect of it can be, but Love Itself is not physical. If anything, Love is the opposite of the Physical. It is the Emotional. It is the Spiritual. It is found most deeply in the moments when you hold each other and whisper things you find it hard to talk about. That's love.
And Love isn't thinking only about your own satisfaction. It keeps a constant eye on the other, and their emotions. And what they want.
In order to love, you need Two. And Both need to support each other. (I reject the notion of Love as "completing someone else"). You support, you nurture. You hold the other up when they are down, and be with them when they are up.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
maybe that's what love is...
I've got a tiny little secret,
Something so far-fetched,
That you may not have known about me.
I control the sun and all the elements
I'll dry out the ocean just to be
Able to walk right up to your front door
as you open it up I'll pull you close
My breath is lost, this isn't folklore,
but it's all we have my darling...
-Houston Calls- "I Fancy Abroad"
There is a certain lady in my life that I am in love with. And this verse from a favorite band of mine sums up my love for her.
And maybe that's what love is...
...the thought that if you were ever apart, you would part oceans just to be with someone.
I would.
I'm not terribly romantic, but if it ever came to this, I would part oceans and walk the distance to be with her.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I'm better now (not behind the eyes)
Sometimes, you have so much to say, but no one to say it to. And sometimes, you feel you have a lot to say, but you aren't sure what exactly what it is you have to say. And you feel weighted down, and you just want to convey that fact to someone who will understand. And sometimes, you had someone like that in the past, and you wonder if they remember that, and if you would still be able to talk to them the same way. And you realize that this is a form of deep deep friendship, of love. Not physical romantic love, but something deeper. To be able to show your weaknesses to someone is a deep and powerful thing. Soul-mates, one might say. And that's love.
...But relationships change. And maybe life has separated you, and you've grown so much that it would be inappropriate to have that kind of relationship anymore. And deep down, you mourn that, but you can't let anyone know.
Because no one would understand.
Because they don't love you like this person did.
Go to your music-player and play your favorite sad song. Then go to Rainymood.com
I'm going between
Rilo Kiley's "The Good That Won't Come Out"
I think I'll go out and embarrass myself
By getting drunk and falling down in the street
You say I choose sadness
That it never once has chosen me
Maybe you're right
Kill Hannah's "Last Night Here"
if this is our last night here
on planet earth
then i'll give you my heart
cause it hurts too much
if this is our last night here
i won't change a thing
i'll just grab on to you
and i feel you breathe
and
Waking Ashland's "Hands on Deck" (still my favourite music video of all time)
Another day another worry
Breaks right through
And indecision bleeds me dry
She's turning pages I'm not making for her
She's painting pictures without me in mind
...But relationships change. And maybe life has separated you, and you've grown so much that it would be inappropriate to have that kind of relationship anymore. And deep down, you mourn that, but you can't let anyone know.
Because no one would understand.
Because they don't love you like this person did.
Go to your music-player and play your favorite sad song. Then go to Rainymood.com
I'm going between
Rilo Kiley's "The Good That Won't Come Out"
I think I'll go out and embarrass myself
By getting drunk and falling down in the street
You say I choose sadness
That it never once has chosen me
Maybe you're right
Kill Hannah's "Last Night Here"
if this is our last night here
on planet earth
then i'll give you my heart
cause it hurts too much
if this is our last night here
i won't change a thing
i'll just grab on to you
and i feel you breathe
and
Waking Ashland's "Hands on Deck" (still my favourite music video of all time)
Another day another worry
Breaks right through
And indecision bleeds me dry
She's turning pages I'm not making for her
She's painting pictures without me in mind
it is strange how powerful music can be. i associate strong memories with certain songs. they take me back to very specific places, moments, people.
listening to the lostprophets album 'start something', and it is the summer before college. driving around appleton with my window down, delivering pizzas. the wind on my face, the long summer nights, the drama, the friendships.
listening to the killers always reminds me of driving around Tallahassee, her pristine truck, being young and in love.
listening to kill hannah's 'new heart for xmas' always reminds when i danced with a beautiful girl at their concert. she had stars drawn next to her eyes.
ljungblut's 'is there another way out', i'm driving back from the beach with friends. there is laughter, and smiles, and it is a beautiful moment. something right out of a movie.
So we made a wrong turn
back there
But let's just keep on
until there's nothing more to feel
We take our hands off the wheel
And let the love in
listening to the lostprophets album 'start something', and it is the summer before college. driving around appleton with my window down, delivering pizzas. the wind on my face, the long summer nights, the drama, the friendships.
listening to the killers always reminds me of driving around Tallahassee, her pristine truck, being young and in love.
listening to kill hannah's 'new heart for xmas' always reminds when i danced with a beautiful girl at their concert. she had stars drawn next to her eyes.
ljungblut's 'is there another way out', i'm driving back from the beach with friends. there is laughter, and smiles, and it is a beautiful moment. something right out of a movie.
So we made a wrong turn
back there
But let's just keep on
until there's nothing more to feel
We take our hands off the wheel
And let the love in
Friday, March 4, 2011
never be content
The new EP by Innerpartysystem came out a few days ago. Titled "Never Be Content". An apt name. Something I am struggling towards. Though I suppose I am trying to be content, but not complacent.
http://soundcloud.com/ipsrmx/sets/never-be-content
The track "Out of Touch" is far and above the best track on the EP. Lyrically, it just hits me hard.
I'm out of touch with all my friends / every time I see them again
All the days I've been away / would it be different if I stayed?
You're losing me...
...again
Driving on the empty road / I forgot I fell in love back home
I start to wonder if I changed / I start to wonder even if you feel the same
I've kept in touch with friends from back home longer than most. But time and distance...every time I go home I feel more disconnected from them. Have I changed? Have they? Is losing connection with your past friends inevitable? Healthy? Part of growing up?
http://soundcloud.com/ipsrmx/sets/never-be-content
The track "Out of Touch" is far and above the best track on the EP. Lyrically, it just hits me hard.
I'm out of touch with all my friends / every time I see them again
All the days I've been away / would it be different if I stayed?
You're losing me...
...again
Driving on the empty road / I forgot I fell in love back home
I start to wonder if I changed / I start to wonder even if you feel the same
I've kept in touch with friends from back home longer than most. But time and distance...every time I go home I feel more disconnected from them. Have I changed? Have they? Is losing connection with your past friends inevitable? Healthy? Part of growing up?
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