Existential Crisis continues

I'm skipping class and listening to Kill Hannah instead. Thankfully, I have one of the nicest profs of all time. Hopefully I'll be able to pull myself together by this weekend.
I was reminiscing with a friend the other day, and I remembered all the good times I had in the past. I was so different back then. I used to care, used to try. Now, it seems all I can do is fuck up.
But I will keep going. I will change it all. I'm determined not to fail like I've seen so many others.


Turn up the radio
I need it more than ever now
(more than ever now)

I remember, remember everything
all the tracks that shaped and changed me
inside of speeding cars
and lying on your floor

When we were living in a broken world
We turned it up and then we watched the city burn

I dream of the Apocalyspe

Last night, I went to bed early with the window open so that I could listen to the storm.
And I dreamed about the end of the world.

It began Heroes themed. A vast number of people were acquiring powers and using them for their own benefit. Much as the government tried, there was nothing that they could do. Angela Petrelli, a few others, and myself tried to reform Primatech in order to maintain control of the 'specials', but the government sent a team to capture us. After we were captured, the government started using robots in order to capture the 'specials'.
Fast forward several years - some kind of nuclear holocaust has destroyed most of the planet. I was fortunate enough to be at one of the few remaining bastions - a massive citadel/compound where we had stockpiled food, clothes, weapons, etc... We knew a vast robot army was in Europe and that it was only a matter of time before they crossed the Atlantic and found us (we were located somewhere in the Great Plains). I spent a lot of my time in our massive underground warehouse checking inventory, parceling out supplies to people, and so on. However, I knew that the High Command was trying to find the code in order to activate the few remaining nuclear defenses (some located in space, some not) in order to target the robot army and destroy them.
However, the robot army reached the other surviving city, located somewhere in Scandinavia, and because the defensive turrets were not online, they easily wiped out that city. We knew we had just a few short weeks before they arrived, and without hope of finding the nuclear launch codes, the High Command gave the order to evacuate the base in hopes of fleeing into the Wastelands and hiding from the robot army. We were preparing when our scanners picked up a large army heading for our base. We believed that it was the robots. Somehow, it only took them days, not weeks, to reach us. We armed ourselves and steeled ourselves for battle.
It didn't take them long to breach our perimeter, and I and many others locked ourselves in Knollcrest and prepared to sell our lives and dearly as possible. We could hear the enemy pounding on the reinforced walls and doors, but when we looked through the viewport, we realized that we weren't fighting robots but a mutant horde. The mutants were animal looking, mostly pig/warthog-like with sharpened quills covering their body. They broke through the walls and we opened fired. They were all around us and we kept falling back more and more until there was a group of about 50 of us fighting back to back, covering four different directions.
Suddenly, it dawned on us that the mutants were no longer trying to kill us. From the openings in walked human mutants who apparently had control over the pig-like mutants (who had also originally been human but had been subjected to more intense mutation).
The human-mutants told us that they too were fleeing from the robots and that we should join together. It was at this point that the leader of the mutants touched my head and told me that he knew all about my drug addiction and my desire to go through life feeling nothing, and I realized that the mutants were actually the 'specials'. Due to their already mutated genetics (manifested by their powers), all the radiation had affected them but not us 'normal' humans.
We joined up, and began the long trek into the Wastelands. We had been traveling for some days when we got word that the robot army was a day behind us. We prepared to make our stand. And as the sun rose the next day, we humans and mutants stood and looked across the valley to see the robot army arrayed against us.
And then the thunder woke me up.

Springtime Existentialism

I've recently been questioning a lot of things about my life.
Why am I in college? What do I really want out of life? What's the point?
You know, all those sorts of questions.

Christ, I'm so cliche.

Don't drop your arms

I'm listening to Anberlin right now, remembering the days of yesterday. Time spent at Copper Rock, Bdubs, Barnes and Noble, and it goes on.

I often wonder if I should be more upfront about other people's faults. I am more than ready to admit my own faults and shortcomings, but I rarely, if ever, tell other people what I think their faults are. And although I admit all the wrong things I have done and work on changing them, the relationship as a whole never changes. Is it because I try and the other person doesn't? Or is it because I like to believe that I am changing when I am not?



My mask is growing heavy but I've forgotten who's beneath

Homesick

I've been listening to the Rosetta version of The Cure's "Homesick" all day. 1.) I love "Homesick" to begin with. 2.) I don't know if I have ever heard a better cover version.

Oh just one more
And I'll walk away
All the everything you win
Turns to nothing today
So just one more
Just one more go
Inspire in me the desire in me
To never go home
(I'M NEVER GOING HOME!!!)

The Dream

I have lived the dream today.

I biked to school, ran into roommate Al before class, walked around with him in the glorious weather.
Found out that I did better on my Philosophy exam than I expected. Extra points retroactively applied to my first exam because I did better on this one.
Cleaned my room up a bit, danced to Lady GaGa.
Went out to a late lunch with roommate Al to an old person restaurant, had a delicious burger.

Currently, I am drinking cheap wine and listening to Kill Hannah.

Manic Depressive!

Hooray for my erratic mood swings! Woohoo to wanting to stay in bed all day when it is a gorgeous day outside. And for not doing easy assignments. And for failing Philosophy exams! And for being a general fuck up.
Nothing left to do but to wait for Night to fall. Bodom concert tonight with the Gremlin. Should be good times, especially since he is driving.
Until then, Sentenced and rum/cokes

Is life over, this life's over?
Or has it only just begun?
It grows colder, starts to moulder...
Coming apart yet still not done
Forever one

School

So...I realize, I just don't care too much about school anymore. A lot of it just does not interest me. I really just want to get by and graduate and move on. I really would like to invest my time in things that interest me, and right now...none of my classes in school are really giving me that.
I did, however, go to my sister's school today and help her out with a project. I recorded 5 pages of material from Dante's "Inferno" for a project she is doing. And I was excited to do that. So excited that I will be going back next Tuesday just to hear what she has finished so far and give her my input.

I guess, all I really want to do is live a life like Hemingway. Be an expat somewhere, drink a lot, write a lot, and live the dream with some friends.
Hopefully, I will make that a reality.

I wish I could start a doom metal band

If I could start any kind of band, it would obviously be a doom or doom/death band.
We would be called:
Grey Winter Mourning

our debut album would be called

"The Great Tomb of Man"

song titles would include
"Earthly Sepulchre"
"Quiet Slumber of the Hallowed Dead"
"Ashen Skies of Dawn"
"All the Woe of the Universe"
"The Malebolge"

Dance Music

So, I am currently downloading dance music before going to the gym. I really like modern dance music because all they sing about is doing drugs, having lots of sex, and partying all the time. The Hollywood party lifestyle. A part of me wishes I had enough money/was depraved enough to live like that, at least for a little while. Most of the bands sound pretty similar/are super generic, but sometimes all you want to do is move.
I really wish I could go back in time to the day before I left for Hungary, when I saw The White Tie Affair / Innerpartysystem / The Medic Droid / Kill Hannah, because that show was all about dance music.

Fer sure maybe fer sure not
Fer sure eh fer sure bomb
Pulled up at a stop light did drugs on the dashboard
Look at the mess we made tonight

Kick off your stilettos
Kick off your stilettos
And fuck me in the backseat
Fuck me in the backseat