( )

Everytime our nicotine lips meet
I lose all my words
Bodies collide
And I may still be so lost
But I know one thing...

Hello-goodbye

Our awkward hellos and goodbyes
Make me feel alive

Facades

Where do the facades, the masks we create for ourselves stop, and where do we begin?
Or is there no such duality?
Do we simply believe that we create masks in order to cope with the fact that we are actually as rotten as we are?
When does it stop becoming a mask, and when does the mask become the reality?
When do you lose who you are?

I will surround your heart with lies
and it's a heavy burden on me baby
a heavy burden I have never felt before


who really ever tells the truth?

I love this song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhDinuQYwcE
(Rest in Peace)

crazydreams

I had some of the weirdest dreams last night.

Ronnie and The Situation rolled up and were going to beat me up, but I was going to hook them up with Teen Mom Farrah, but she took forever getting ready, so we just went to the club.

I was Harry Potter. And Dumbledore had me wait in a big old van with the Weasleys and several other Order members, and we waited for the Death Eaters to attack me, at which point we sprang out in our own ambush and battled them. It was epic, and then Dumbledore showed up and kicked ass.

Vero Beach

Maybe one day I'll break and talk to you again.

But until that time, I'm going to follow the LessThanJake model of life

steps 3 and 4,
staying drunk and sit on this porch,
planning to escape

A Prayer to St. Jerome - for insight

Through your anger and confrontations you remind us that we all have a duty to confront others from time to time. You also remind us that we have a duty to examine ourselves and confront our own weaknesses and harmful behaviours. Your life teaches that I must accept others for who they are. You taught of the danger of self-righteousness; of the importance of reflecting upon one of Jesus' most insightful teachings: "Let the man who has no sin on his conscience throw the first stone." In the light of your teachings, Saint Jerome, help me to see my own self clearly. Help me to confront my own biases and to act to change others only out of love. If I see that I have the duty to confront another, I ask you to be with me during those necessary but unpleasant moments of confrontation. Help me to remember that love alone can make changes for the good. Amen.

God is an Astronaut

I will no longer pretend that I am writing for just myself. I have been doing that for so long, pretending that this is a place of solitude, a place where I can bare my soul. But I have to acknowledge that people read this. It is on the internet, so even if I believe that it is just myself and a friend or two, I know that to be untrue.

With that in mind...

...I have been drinking wine and energy drinks for the past several hours and listening to post-rock. First, I stumbled across the combination of Rosetta songs (their debut album was two separate discs meant to be played simultaneously...and I finally found that sonorous harmony). Then, I came across the band 'God is an Astronaut'. And I feel complete. No band has quite captured the state of my soul/spirit/heart like this band.

Of course, that could just be the terrible chardonnay talking.

Regardless, right now, I feel at peace. This week is going to be stressful beyond belief, but I am okay with that. I have no idea what I am going to be doing even 3 months from now...and that's okay. I have messed up a lot of relationships in my life, and I will always wonder "what if"...and that's fine.
I am not the perfect student. I am not the perfect friend. I am not the perfect son/brother/etc... I am not perfect. But I try.
The fact that I strive to be better/try does no in and of itself make me a good person. But the fact that everytime I mess up/fail/fall down...yet continue to get back up and give it another shot...that has to mean something, right?

so

this is the problem with sleeping until 1.30, and then napping for 4 hours until 10.30pm. I am awake when I should be sleeping. I'm too awake to sleep, too tired to do any actual work. So, instead, I'm listening to Kill Hannah and being melancholy.

(turn up the radio, I need it more than ever now)

and I feel like a total jackass sitting here in my room being all mopey, especially since I have no real reason to feel this way. there is no pressing reason I should be sad, in fact, I should be pretty happy, but I'm not. Bleh...

(we were living in a broken world)

I guess I always go through a bit of withdrawal after having a good night, and last night was good. There is something great when an impromptu party happens at your house. I was sick and thinking about turning in early when a bunch of friends showed up. And we stayed up late and drank waaaay too much wine. And we just enjoyed each others company.

(it's hard just to breathe, when we said goodbye)

And then the night ends, and you wake up the next morning, memories of good times, but knowing your day can never live up to the previous one. So you end up lazing around and moping all day. And in the solitude, you start thinking about the past and what could have been, and that is always a dangerous road to travel down.

(I must have my grandma's sad eyes)

Anyway, I at least have to try to sleep. And I have to realize that there are people who are actually suffering. And I have to always try to be there for people and not be so self-centered.

"Universe, wrap your arms around me. Make me strong, so I can take on anyone."

because is it whatever it takes to get you by?
What's the right thing to do in this crazy mixed up life?
sad or sober or strong or with closed eyes
would you still make all the right decisions
would accept someone else's forgiveness in this life

priorities

If there is one thing that college has taught me - it is priorities.
And some nights, priorities are thrown into perspective. Sometimes harsh perspective.
And if there is one thing throughout the clusterfuck I call my life that I have really learned - it is that people are what really matter. Relationships. Those around you.

I try to think of it this way -

if I fail a class, I can always retake it
if I fail a friend, I might not get a second chance.

Yes, school is important, and I don't ever want to fail a class, but if it happens, it happens. It's not the end of the world, or even my academic career. If I fail a friend or someone I love, there is the possibility that relationship might end for good.

Be good to those around you. Never take them for granted.

its curious

It is a curious thing - life.
And even more curious is how much I have matured (or at least think I've matured).

Also, some nights you just have to thank God.
Because He shows you what is important.
And how meaningless the things you thought were important are.

And it is curious that I even wrote those last 3 lines.
Because, a lot of the time, I try to convince myself that I'm not a Christian.
When people ask - I always say I am a Deist.
I believe in a Higher Power, yes, but not the Christian God, oh no no.

Yet...I can never shake the feeling that He is there.

I may be one of His more wayward sons,
But I have to believe there is still Hope.

hate/love

I hate being sick.
I hate when I mess up rice-a-roni so that it isn't delicious.
I hate that I have a philosophy exam tomorrow

But I do love beautiful spring days.
I love looking at myself and thinking, "Wow, maybe I am maturing a bit."
I love going on casual dates with people because I like being around them, not so that I can make out with them.
I love writing whatever I want.
I love reconnecting with old friends.
I love my housemates.
I love waking up and not wanting to stay in bed all day.
I love falling into bed and having it be the most comfortable place ever.
I love you.
I love the fact that there are numerous types of love.
I love that my friends are dating and are adorable and made for each other.
I love this song right now.
I love the feeling that everything is going to be alright.

I have a lot of love in my heart right now, despite the fact that my lungs and throat feel constricted and my head is throbbing.


(one last thing - I really love the Arthur [the sideproject of MxPx members) album "Loneliness is Bliss")

Senior Seminar

This is what my evening has consisted of.

I worked, and I started feeling sick at work. Like I might be coming down with a fever. Chest and throat were afflicted.
Got home, started doing reading for my Senior Seminar class. Drank a cup or two of green tea with honey mixed in. Sat for 2 hours talking with my housemate, mostly about how we would hate to meet authors (especially those we admire), we began to discuss why we wouldn't want to meet authors and cited specific examples (Hemingway, for instance, would only be good in a group, and while he would be a total dick, a crazy time would ensue).
But we came to the conclusion that Robert Frost would be amazing to hangout with. I would love to go to his cabin in the countryside, eat a hearty meal, help him in the fields, and just be near him. Of all the authors/writers we mentioned, he is the only one that we truly would want to meet.

And now I am sitting here, reading about Bakhtin, drinking an amaretto-coke (my literary reading drink of choice), listening to Mouth of the Architect. Life is good.

A moment in time

I'm sitting here, trying to figure out what mood I'm in. I'm not tired, but not energetic. Not happy, but not melancholy. Not overly contemplative, but not just zoning out either. I am simply here, listening to a beautiful album and sitting. I am at a perfect equilibrium. A place of rest and tranquility

That's the word I was looking for.
I am tranquil.

Most often, I associate tranquility with nature - lying on the grass, watching the clouds drift by on a summer day. Sitting next to the river with a loved one. Riding on a quiet, country road.

But here I am, in my messy room, wrapped in an old blanket, fan spinning lazily, one light illuminating the room...and I am tranquil.

I often listen to the band Ljungblut when I am in this mood. His music (it really is just one guy's solo project) is the perfect blend of calm, melancholy, reflective, honest.
I remember one time, one of those days when everything in the universe aligned perfectly. I had driven to the beach of Muskegon with 3 friends. It was a perfect early Summer day. We had taken Polaroids, sat on the beach, laughed, and just enjoyed life. We were driving back after that afternoon - I was driving, we were laughing. Kasie had her feet out the window. The summer wind in our faces. Perfectly content, perfectly tranquil. It was amazing, but it was made perfect when the song "Is There Another Way Out" by Ljungblut came on. It is one of the most idyllic moments I've ever had. I didn't even speak during that car ride. I just felt the sun on my face, heard the voices of my friends, and let the beauty wash over me.

It's funny how those moments stick with you. Just small vignettes of life. Moments in time. Things that seem wholly unimportant and trivial...but they capture the essence of what life is, could be, should be.

I'll never forgot those days.
When we lived our lives
The way they were meant to be lived.

Springtime

Springtime always revives my spirits. After a rough last few days (for no discernible reason), I am feeling whole again.

Anyway, I was listening to Katatonia, and while most of their lyrics are often laughably absurd (their grasp of English is tenuous at best), I was struck by this line

How cold is the flame
Of our uncompromising future