Music for writing papers

I'm all about instrumental electro/industrial/drum'n'bass music when writing papers.
Albums I intend on listening to all weekend long.
Test Dept's - "Tactics for Evolution"
Amish Rake Fight's - "Fellow Prisoners"

3 weeks....

I may have fallen out of love with industrial music, but sifting through some old Celldweller today, I came across these lyrics


Don't back down
Holding on until my hands and mind are bleeding
Don't back down
This is my birthright
Don't back down
I'm so sick of feeling like I''m helpless
Don't back down
This is over tonight

Don't back up, your ass is to the wall again and
Arent you sick of wasting so much time?
Yes it's true you're a fool if you think you were born to be waiting while you're hating what you're waiting for

Yeeeeah, I need to buckle down for these last 3 weeks and get shit done.

pubcrawl '10 recap

PubCrawl '10 was a success. Except for the part where I stepped in someone's vomit. That pissed me off.
Started off at the BOB. Al and Kev stuck mostly to beer. I branched out. Cosmo-sangria-beer-wine. Rooftop view of the city. Lounging in the sun. Sister came out. Very nice waitress.
Walked to Tavern on the Sq. Not quite feeling it yet, though the wine was getting me there. Sit down, Whiskey-coke? Check. Double order of fries and buffalo wings? Check. Czechavar, shocktop (waaay too orange tasting), and French Kamikaze shot. Ouch, now I'm feeling it.
Part ways with sister. I like that she came out.
Gardella's. Where did all these green shirted Calvin people come from? Sipping on a 7-7 while seeing some fabulous people. Way too small, way too crowded bar - pop over to Hopcat (not part of pubcrawl) after helping Kev finish his newcastle.
Get a random beer...(it's starting to get hazy, no?) Talk with those good friends. Summertime coming up. We're hanging out. Talk about girlfriend (I have got to stop being so excited and smiley whenever I talk about her to other people). Part ways for a while.
Drop Kev off at Dancing in Rosa Parks. Freak out at all the people dancing in unison. Lie on grass with Al. Girlfriend arrives. Walk to McFaddens. Not entirely sure if I had a drink here, we were only there for a minute before heading to the Tap House. Long Island arrives with a jello shot. Buy a round of PBR for the table (Except Nak who can't drink wheat - FUUUUUUUCK, everytime).
Calvin girls can be super skanky. Maybe another drink(?) [funny how all the writers are concerned with the accuracy of memory]
Bathroom. Smell puke. Look down. THE FUCK IS THAT? Stepped in puke...FUUUUUCK. Blow dry shoes. Come back in a rage, leave that shitty place.
Gardellas again!! 1 dollar shots!!! Have 3 or 4. They aren't 1 dollar. I'm not paying. We left for Flanagans, but we are obviously flagging. A tired defeat setting in.
Flanagans. Have another drink (people told me I did. See SBults08. We talked, but I mostly was just pumped to see him. Defeat...we've been bested.
All of us walk to Girlfriend's car, await evac. Help coming soon. Maybe sneak off into parking garage to kiss.
1. I get super touchy when drunk and love kissing
2. If people can't see us, they don't know what we are doing.
[everyone knew]
Evac shows up. Spirits revived with Taco Bell. Be rowdy and loud in a group while nomming on TB. Kev and Al get a ride home. I sleep there.
Wake up with the most pounding headache and worst charnel house breath. Oops....sorry. Theo-cat paws at glass window. WHY!?!?
Girlfriend makes eggo waffles. Fuck yes my life.

3eb

Life flashes by in an endless plane crash

Last night, I saw one of my favorite bands play. Third Eye Blind. 14 years since their debut album...and they still rock it. It took me hearing some of the songs live to fully appreciate how much I love their new album.

I swore I'd never be
Who trades his dreams for security
Lately it's a little hard for me to see
Lately it's a little hard for me to believe

I rocked out. I got rowdy. I loved it. I screamed.
I realized that I have amazing friends (a recurring motif in this blog, no?)
There's this girl I know who cuddles with me, despite the fact that I'm drunk. And she loans me sweatpants so that I can sleep comfortably. And she is generally just radtastic beyond belief. And her cat sleeps in the closet.

Oh we could live like kings
We could take a risk

I got off of work and came home, and there were my neighbors, on my porch. And we decided to drink and hangout for 3 hours. It was beautiful. Champagne, Mikes Hard, garbage whiskey, gin, china drink....we had it all. Cigar, pipe, cigarillo. We lived like kings. And then we made quesodias (spelling on this word?)

And now, I am going to fall into bed. And sleep deeply, And dream of the life I'm living right now. Because, can it get better than this?

Better hurry up now if we're ever going to find
What we're living for

I won't close with that line. I'll close with this one.

Evermore
Rejoice evermore

My favorite Kill Hannah song. Sadly, I've never seen them play it live.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LudsiVEPsPc

It always helps when I feel like this. Empty. Hollow is a better word. I feel numb. Just watched "Where the Wild Things Are". Start to finish I hated it. I hated it because it reminded me of being a kid. It was too accurate in its depiction. Of loneliness. Of helplessness. Of escapism.
I had a panic attack watching the first few minutes. All I wanted to do was curl up and sleep or storm out of the room and walk forever in the rain. But I forced myself to stay. An act of maturity or of masochism?
And now I feel as though I've been gutted. I am blank, hollow, exhausted.


and we're running out of here
prepared to throw ourselves off somewhere
i'm lightheaded and can't explain
i'm lightheaded and can't explain

mewithoutYou (again)

I know I've said this time and again, but I feel the need to reiterate.

mewithoutYou is one of the most fantastic bands out there. I think the honesty and truthfulness of the lyrics is astounding. It connects with me on a very deep level.

"Oh, but I'm so small I can barely be seen... how can this great love be inside of me?"
(Look at your eyes.... they're small in size, but they see enormous things.)
"Oh, but I'm so afraid" or "I'm set in my ways"
(But He'll make the rabbits and rocks sing His praise.)
"Oh, but I'm too tired, I won't last long."
(No, He'll use the weak to overcome the strong!)

melancholy

sometimes, for no reason, I just am stricken with a melancholy.
(this post seems so familiar, as though I've written it before)
I had a great day, life is good, and yet...for the past hour, I've just been getting a sinking feeling in my chest. I feel like I need to tell every single person I know that I love them, and just how much they mean to me.
Because, I can be bad at letting people know how much I care about them.
And even people I don't know all that well...they still make a big impact on me, and my life would be lessened without interacting with them.
I guess it's just one of those nights where you want to curl up into bed and be enveloped by its warmth. To sink into peaceful sleep. To wrap your arms around someone, to have them wrap their arms around you. To not speak a single word to them, nor they to you. Just to feel them hold you a bit tighter as they kiss you on the forehead. The kind of embrace and kiss that dispels every doubt and worry.



We are living in misery
But we have to hold on...

naivety

I may be the most naive person I know.
I'm trying to live my life based on relationships, not on the things society thinks I should base my life on - status, money, security.
But here's the thing...it's a lot harder to live your life like that.
It would be so easy for me to make the easy choice.
Part of the reason I'm not going to Korea is because it is the easy choice. The choice I am expected to make.
What are my reasons for wanting to go there - I can make money, it buffs my resume, and it is a crazy party scene.
(not that any of those things are bad in and of themselves)

The harder thing is to stay here in Grand Rapids.
Not just to stay here though, but to actually do something while I am here.
To help people.
I've always been taught that you have to go overseas to help people.
Church mission trips are always out of state, out of country, for a short time to people you will connect with for a brief time.
(Like a bright burning flame, it fades the quickest)
Maybe churches should focus more on going across the street than to China.

But it is not my intent to criticize the church.
Apostate that I am, I have no right to tell them how to act.
All I can do is act in accordance with what I think is right.
And right now, all that means is being close to the people I love and going out and helping people.

Energy (is you)

I have a problem.

Tuesday nights, I have my Senior Sem class. And normally, I am pretty tired. But alwaysalwaysAlways during the last 45 minutes of class, a nervous energy overtakes me. Almost hysterical. I can't focus, it is hard to think, even speak. Shaking. The desire to explode with energy. To slam my fist down on the table and yell. To let go completely.

I always want to write afterwards, but it is difficult. Spelling goes out the window, my fingers are sluggish...can't keep up with the furious pace I neeeed to write at. Logic, thinking, coherency go right out the window. I am a wreck. Every idea is a possibility.
I mostly just want to hurl a can of paint at the wall, a blank canvas, and have all my ideas at once. Instead, I must write, word by word, line by line, linearly. In order. What if I don't want order? What if I am the Underground Man? What if I want to write in 3 dimensions, rather than in two?
An architect of reality.


* * *

Listening to the White Tie Affair's new single - "You Look Better When I'm Drunk"


A little less thinkin' and a lot more drinkin' -
That'll work for me tonight, oh, oh
When the room starts spinnin' and we start sinnin',
I begin to realize-

You look better when I'm drunk,
You look better when I'm drunk,


Heyyyy DJ spin the soundtrack to bad decisions
And these drinks, make me, lose my self control,
Heyyyy DJ spin the soundtrack to bad decisions
And these drinks, make me, lose control,


New party anthem.

Drinking gin to calm the nerves. Time to focus on something else. Freaking the hell out.

Sen. Sem.

I was sitting with a friend outside. It was late at night, we had a smoke, and a bottle of MD 20/20 Red Grape Wine (perhaps the worst wine wine you'll ever encounter in the Discount aisle). We were talking Life, and he said, "The problem with (****) is that it only ever works in hindsight. You can never predict the future. You can only do the best you can with the information you have at the time and hope it works out for the best.
That's a rabbit....not a squirrel."

It is easy to think about the "what if's" of life. It's harder to sit down and come to the realization, to the actual knowledge, that all of your life's actions have led to you the specific moment you are in. It is great to evaluate Life with Hindsight and information gained since then...but as my friend said, "You do the best you can with the information you had at hand."

Boom (weekend recap)

I just finished up the audio book for Max Brooks' "World War Z" when it busts into some hammering guitar and drums...MDFMK, the kind of music that make you want to get into a shootout. Just thumping industrial ultra-heavy beat.

So, this weekend was very good. My friend KasieJ came up(over) from Wisconsin to visit. Friday night, we went out to dinner - me and her, al and her friend - to Grand Rapids Brewing Co. (after 2 failed attempts at other places). We all had a brew, I barely ate. It was windy as all hell.
(I'm not sure why I feel it important to record these minute details that will fade from my memory in a week or so...maybe it is because of my finite memory that I commit these details to writing)
I dropped Al off back at the house, drove to Cornerstone. We hungout in the Corum Student Center until 12.30am - Kasie, Rachel, Kara, Kyle, and myself.

Saturday - Lunch with Kasie at Panera Bread. Finally drop the bomb, "so, maybe I am sort of seeing someone" (I've always been terrible at being decisive/unawkward). She is happy for me. We talk about that for a while. Go to Rachel's showcase. It was fantastic - she had a monologue about the underwear incident in Sophomore year.

Afterwards, Kasie, JessieJ, and I are going to get icecream. We stop and pick up my lady friend. IceCream, JessieJ's house, Wii dance games, Emperor's New Groove, MacNcheese...I had to drive her home, but when I came back, I smiled because my friends really liked her. Not in the insincere way as was the case with previous relationships.
In fact, "She is sweeter than I thought she would be." Me, "What does that mean." Nothing, just the fact that they (and maybe me also) all imagined me dating a trashy skank or something.
But she isn't. In fact, she makes me sleep on the couch (after a friend's birthday party and a late night of 30 Rock)...which is the cause for the current state of my back - gnarled and painful. I need a chiropractor, asap. But the house cat finally cuddled up with me.

The lyrics from a Houston Calls song


She seems like someone who'll be there for me
I'm loving that stability
She has a curious and uncanny charm
that really attracts me.

and something inside of me screams

First of all I'm insecure
And number two, I can't be there for you
Not at this time in my life

But that secondary voice is growing weaker. I've always struggled with commitment, but mostly because I was afraid of the unknown.
What if it doesn't work out?
What if my heart is broken?

I'm finally learning that...sometimes things are awesome. And maybe they won't work out. But maybe they will. I'm not going to torpedo them because I don't know the outcome.

Riesling

I fucking love Riesling wine.

What was worthwhile about Calvin to me? 3 authors that have given me something that I discovered while in college
Tolstoy - world view, Respice Finem, 1st and last semester. Don't live a terrifying life like Ivan Ilych
Augustine - his constant question, keeps him on track, can I trust my memory?
Tennyson - personal, helped me through a difficult time

(this may not make sense to you, but I'm working on it)

Looking through pictures of last Saturday. Thank god for timestamps. My last real memory is at 11:50pm, the last photo from that night is at 1:33am, of me being put to bed. An hour and 40 minutes of no memory. Damn you, cheap red wine. I always regret it. I always love it.


My new favorite song
Devin Townsend - "Ih-Ah!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGvi6GeXnLg
It's the kind of song that demands you to feel emotion. I want to cry, but I just feel such beauty, such hope.


This borrowed time is over now
I think I may close my Senior Sem. essay with this quote. Or maybe start it with this quote? Because, these last four years have been amazing. I've had some shitty experiences with Calvin, but far outweighing that are all the good times I've had.
And the band that I've really adopted during this time is Rosetta. The concept behind their debut album "The Galilean Satellites" is about a man(astronaut) who leaves his home and leaves for a place of solitude(the moon of Europa). Once he arrives, however, he realizes that everything meaningful to him was left behind(on Earth). By the time he realizes this, it is too late, and he can't escape(an orbit gone wrong).

I've thought so often about leaving Calvin over the years. However, in hindsight, I know that if I had...I would have left behind everyone I care about.
Imagine if I had left after freshman year for England like I had thought about. I never would have...
- gone to Hungary
- lived with my current housemates (my best friends)
- been around to help my sister with her projects
- be there to read Tennyson + Psalms to my friend when she had cancer and needed someone there on a Sunday to have devotions/church with (that someone being me, who was hungover as all hell but still willing to get up at 6am because I knew that going to the hospital is something that really mattered)
- gone biking in Croatia (that was the perfect moment for me. In that moment, I was/saw the infinite)
- it goes on...
- it goes on...

Senior Sem. paper

I want to write more, but my mind is blank. So here is a few paragraphs I wrote whilst in Philosophy class.

When formulating this paper, I fully intended to ask the question, "Was it worth it?" about my time here at Calvin. In essence, did I make the correct choice to spend 4 years and somewhere in the range of 100,000$ attending Calvin. The problem is that question could never be answered satisfactorily. There is no way I could answer with any amount of certainty or conviction. The answer, "No, I should have done X with my life instead of Calvin" is insufficient because it exists wholly in the realm of the hypothetical and is unknowable. Furthermore, that sort of answer is too easy to give, a cop out. It is all too easy to say in retrospect, "Yes, I should have done something else besides Calvin", but the fact of the matter is, I stayed at Calvin for 4 years. That was the choice I made, and no amount of whining about whether or not it was worth it can change the past.
Therefore, instead of asking "Was it worth it?" I think the better question to ask is, "What was worthwhile about this choice?" This question is superior for a number of reasons. First, it focuses on the positive aspect of my college career. It is true that I have had many negative experiences while at Calvin, a few of which I have already voiced in this paper. However, I have had a lot of great experiences here at Calvin, and writing those down, finding out what was truly worthwhile and meaningful to me while at Calvin is healthier than dwelling on the negative. (possible Biblical reference?). Secondly, by asking "What was worthwhile?" about Calvin gives me something concrete to hold on to, give me specific events that helped shaped my life and the path I am taking right now.

is this all you want to be? (not alive, but not dead)

I cannot write and I cannot motivate myself.
I can...but it is an uphill struggle through thick underbrush
(I've always been a man who shies away from hardship)
(If things get tough, I am liable to give up)
(yet I couch my failures in terms that soften the reality)
(I dress up my giving up with vague philosophical notions)
What I need to do is grit my teeth and keep going
God gave me two legs, and I still have them, and as long as I have them, I can walk up any hill
If there is a thicket in my way, I can hack my way through it
And if I forgot my machete, I can use my hands to rip the branches, use my booted feet to stomp them underneath, use my teeth to tear them
And when I make it to the top of the hill, I will be bedraggled, dirty, and bloody
And I will look down to the bottom of the hill
(where I am so used to sitting comfortably)
And my dirt and blood streaked face will break into a smile
And my hammering heartbeat and labored breathing will be the most joyous music
I will raise my fist in triumph

I've always imagined Frost's road not taken was simply a darker, wilder road
Now I realize what it really is
The uphill struggle, the wandering lost through the thorns, the mental and physical exertion and exhaustion of going against the comfortable alternative.
The road not taken is pain.
The road not taken is beauty.
The road not taken is the only worthwhile path.

a quick rundown

Skipping class to do homework all today! Yay!! I could have done it yesterday...but I decided against that. In hindsight, maybe a poor choice.

Things to do today:
- Music103 take-home exam
- Geology project (4-5 pages on Chernobyl)
- Senior Sem. reading/response
- Work
- Write some more on my Senior Sem. paper

Sobriety is a serious business (and business ain't so good)

So, today, I've decided to just embrace how wantonly unproductive I am and just roll with it. So far, I've listened to an insane amount of 90s alt. rock and drank some whiskey. Fuck yes my life.
I sometimes get super excited about the life I have. And this is one of those times.
So what if it is 8pm and I am still buzzed from this afternoon, dancing around in my room to Less Than Jake. Life is good. School is important (but not today)

I helped my sister out on a project today. I do enjoy seeing her ever so much.


because is it whatever it takes to get you by?
What's the right thing to do in this crazy mixed up life?
sad or sober or strong or with closed eyes
would you still make all the right decisions
would accept someone else's forgiveness in this life

Cottage debauchery

Last night, a group of 9 of us went up to Matt's cottage on Gun Lake. It was a night of antics and awesomeness.
Lessons learned
1. Wine is not made to be drank by cup fulls. By cup, I mean 'red plastic cup', and by full, I mean 'to the brim'
2. I love powerstancing when drunk
3. I know this cute girl who leaves me nice text messages that brighten my morning
4. Nothing is more horrifying than waking up and thinking you are in bed with your friend's girlfriend.
5. Red wine is the devil in the morning but an angel at night
6. My drunken logic is impeccable - if I can't see them, they can't see, ergo they don't know what I am doing, and a blanket over my head prevents me from seeing them.
7. Cuddling in the morning is awesome, especially when you are cuddling with 5 people.
8. Drinking games are overrated
9. I have some amazing friends

And now, I am sipping whiskey, living out a lie (much as I pretend and lie...homework doesn't just disappear)


and when I fumble over words you smile
you'll kiss my cheek and say, "I like your style."

It Can't Rain All the Time

So, normally, days like this would put me into a total funk, and I would want to sit around and listen to melancholic music and be all listless.
That was yesterday.

Today, I rocked an exam, went out to Russ' with my sister, had this totally cute waitress who gave me some Snowcap Pie for free (go get this pie immediately...I don't even like pie, and I loooove this), decided I need to be the Sorting Hat of Knollcrest and divide everyone into the 4 Hogwarts houses, got home in time for Beer o' clock with the housemates, watched a movie with this totally cute waitress, bro'd out for a while.

Now, I am listening to some decidedly un-melancholic songs and eating a little bit more of this Snowcap Pie, thinking about how sweet my life is.

Also, I started writing my English paper whilst zoning out in Philosophy.
(which question do you like better - "Was it worth it?" "What was worthwhile about it?")

Also, is it just me or is cuddling usually an awkward and uncomfortable affair? It gets uncomfortable with one arm invariably falling asleep, and when you do find that perfect comfort zone, you always have to go to the bathroom or sneeze or cough.
But I like it anyway.


The dreams I dream the song I sing for you
They’re coming from my heart
Is my message getting through?

I've got ideas that can save the planet!!

Oh jeez...here's a question - have you ever had so much energy that you feel like you are going to explode?

Tonight, in Senior Sem, for the last 45 minutes I felt like I was going to explode. My heartrate was jacked, I couldn't focus, and I didn't want to run around so much as I wanted to literally explode. A brilliant blaze to purge of all my emotions and thoughts. I'm not sure why I felt that way. Maybe it was just because I had something to say. Once I was done talking about my senior seminar final essay, I felt calmer. Not entirely drained as in other cases when I get this way. But my heartrate slowed. And now, I still have enough energy to do homework. Normally, I pour out everything and then need to go nap. A physical need to sleep, to recharge.

Does this resonate/make sense to any of you?

And I will start early on writing my Senior Sem Paper (maybe even on this blog), because it is meaningful to me. It is something I need to write. It will not allow me to sluff it at the last minute.


Intro - Lay out my project, reference Rousseau/other confessions. They start by laying out their intention. Admit my fallenness and tendency towards bias. I admire Rousseau's ambition (total honesty/self-disclosure) but admit that it is unattainable, all he does is lie and deceive. Then why even bother? Just as it is impossible for us to be like Christlike, that doesn't stop us from striving towards being like Him.

Find out what Calvin's mission is/a Liberal Arts education. Develop it, outside sources (the shift of the Enlightenment towards the Research/modern university?). Tabitha said that I should talk to people who haven't gone to a Liberal Arts college (Rebekah, Tyler).

My expectations of college (what were they?) I have to press myself to find out. Think, what did I really expect to get out of this whole experience? Why did I expect those things?
What did I get out of Calvin? Expectations v. Reality. What did I like about Calvin/what do I most remember/value. What did I think was wrong with it?

Was it worth it? At the very least...what did I gain? What was Worthwhile? (maybe that's the better question than was it worth it)

Ivan Ilych - is it Calvin/college turning me into that? Or is it all up to me to avoid becoming like that? Is it fair to blame the institution wholly (no, it can't be). Calvin gave me Hungary/Ukraine/baby Mamu.
TED - did it kill my creativity? at times. Was it my fault I didn't become more involved in classes/papers? is it up to the professor to make the class something tailored to me (to a certain extent).

I will not be bound to pure academia. If I want to bring in musicians (why are they less legitimate than the poets taught in the class room?), then I bloody damn will then.
Rosetta - the Galilean Satellites. A tale of a man who thinks he wants to escape, but when he reaches his destination...he realizes he left behind eveything/one meaningful to him.
Haste - some of the greatest lyrics of all time. From time to time, I just peruse through their lyrics and read them as if they were poetry.
"Calendar Year"
A revolution against apathy
I will decide what progress means to me
These rules that bind me
I will change...ignite this spark into a flame
"Engine" - catch my hand against the background of night / Dragging fingertips through constellations

(a start)


* * *
Thank you, Porcupine Tree for this calm and beautiful song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jr8GRvYGE2I


So rest your head upon me
I have strength to carry you

Existentialism

I used to always think that my mood swings were not related to anything, striking at random. Maybe they are. But I've noticed that whenever I have a great weekend, I have a fairly shitty week. Maybe I spend all my energy interacting with people, I'm too drained to focus on the week.
Well, I had an amazing weekend, and now I am pensive...

The rain helps also. It is a sad rain. A rain for reflection.
(Some rains are meant to be ran into. To be danced in.)
This rain is the kind of rain the forces you to break out your reserve bottle of Old Grand-dad 114 whiskey and to sip it slowly. The drink isn't there to get you drunk...no, it is just a companion to help you think.

I'm not unhappy, just trepidatious (though that word is too strong). I am pondering the future. The past. The now.
I'm searching for contentment (but even that isn't the right phrasing).

This is what I want/what sums up my mood - I just want to drive out into the countryside, lie down in a field with you next to me, hold hands, and watch the stars.

(that's the kind of mood I'm in. The one where I need contented silence and beauty.)

Close your eyes and watch the stars explode...

Revision

My Senior Sem. prof. recently told us to secret to success
"Revision, revision, revision."

I've always failed at revision. I just looked through my lost post, and I saw several spelling errors. Oops....I should have caught those earlier?

Or I could have gone and listened to Passion Pit.

(which one did you think I chose to do?)

Hair

I almost wen to the hair salon today
But when I went into the bathroom this morning
I caught a glimpse of myself
And all I could do was think
"Goddamn, my hair looks great."
I know its temporary
But it staved off the inevitable
*

Hearing your voice
(even from 2,000 miles away)
Is always reassuring
I've always looked up to you
(thought I may not have shown it)
And your voice gives me hope
Hope that I am on the right path
That I can be someone you respect
(that I can live up to your Standards)

Thank you, brother, for all you've given me