Rejoice...evermore

I looked in her eyes
And in that moment, I didn't see you
(I no longer saw the past)

I saw her for who she is
And we both smiled
...a bit awkwardly, truth be told

And she asked me,
"What?"
The most complicated-simple question of them all.

And I wanted to say,
"For about five years I thought I loved this girl but in hindsight she was terrible for me and I am over her or
This one time the family dog I hated ran away and I chased after it and carried it into my arms like a husband carries his wife over the threshold or
I sometimes cry for no reason when I listen to certain songs, like half of the songs on Third Eye Blind's new album or
I think you have the most beautiful eyes of all time and I am constantly blown away by how beautiful you are or
Kev and I hangout all the time and we love each other's company but we each really wish that Al was here or
I am not a saint and my brother once asked me if I regretted my decisions and how I thought they would affect you, and I answered, "I regret nothing"...but that was a lie...

But I couldn't,


So I said,
"Nothing"
And gave a lopsided smirk.



And we kissed.
It wasn't like a movie.
There wasn't any music in the background.
There was no spontaneous applause from an audience.
There were no profanations of undying love.

It was just a kiss
And it was enough for us.
And it got us where we needed to be

I wish I was a sharp knife, swing that blade right through my life

How do we tell if we are selling out on all our dreams or maturing? How do we tell if the things we always wanted to do were merely the ideas of a younger (different) person or something still worth reaching for? How do we tell if the life we are leading is as good as the life we wanted to lead?

Well, if nothing else, I am myself, and that's all I have to give.

And all that we call chaos
I will say it's by design
(But I'm just lying)

Rameriz - sitrep!!!

I'm here a week now... waiting for a mission... getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker...

I can't write. It has been a month since I've wrote anything of substance.
All the old standbys have failed. Music, reading, booze...the weather has almost helped...but it is this room. This room traps me. A windowless, lightless hell. I wake up - the clock says 9am (morning)...it could be 11pm for all I know. Light barely filters through these narrow, thick windows. Is it raining? It is shining bright? Has the world ended? I do not know...until I walk upstairs.

I cannot go on like this.

I have taken to watching movies when I go to bed now (I never needed this before!!). 'Sherlock Holmes' is a favourite. Holmes at one point says something close to "My mind rebels at stagnation, give me data, give me problems"

That is how I feel.

I need something to get my mind out of this rut. Books have not done it. I haven't been able to write. I do not want to demean myself to a nowhere job, but I feel unconfident about my chances at jobs I want. I am in between. I am liminal. Two paths are lay before me...the one I am one (alcohol, stagnation, dullness) or the path of action.



My fear




I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream; that's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor... and surviving.

the chase is on

I'm currently living my life as a true Sojourner. Couple of days at my sister's apartment, now the weekend in WI to see my sister get married. Sleeping on couches is not conducive to my productivity. I need a space to call my own. A place that is my home. Not just a dwelling space.
I need to move into my new place. Then, job hunt until I find something.
Also, ladyface and I came up with a list of things to do this summer. And I really like that, because I am afraid of just wasting my time indoors not doing anything. So, it is good to have measurable goals.
I want to write more...but this new (well, old...but new to this computer) B!F cd I just downloaded is giving me a lot of guff!!!