The Rest of My Life

Music videos, in my opinion, are an underrated art form. To tell a story in 4 minutes is insane difficult. But here is quite possibly my favorite music video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBU5ScXHlmM

The song itself has a lot of meaning holds a lot of meaning for me. The line "Said goodbye to my best friend..." always always takes me back to the summer before I came to college. She and I were at a party, and we snuck away and took a walk in the warm summer night. Down by the train tracks. Taking pictures. Just talking and spilling our all. Opening up about our fears.

College has changed me radically. The person I am scarcely recognizes who I was back in High School. And I think that is good. In High School, I neglected friends for Busy Work, and was afraid of every thing. I'm not saying that I'm the best person I can(should?) be right now, but I have grown. I think for myself. I try to keep my friends first. I live my life.

But there are still some things that will kill me inside for the rest of my life.

And we all have those moments in our past. Those times where we think, "If only I had done...." "If only this had happened...". And it tears you up. But I'm trying hard to get passed those things. To live for now. Because that is all we really have. Right now, and the people around us.

"And every second that goes by, I'm screaming out for second tries."

Faith

I struggle a lot with my Faith and what I do/should believe in.
And much as I sometimes doubt the existence or nature of God, there is one line that resonates with me whenever I hear it.

I put my faith in the hands of Man and now I rest in soil.

In Vino Veritas

This past week has really taught me, first hand, brutally, what a true friend is. A true friend is someone who will sit down with you when they know that you are a fuckup. They won't judge or just ask for apologies. They will want to know what is up with you and how to help.

A friend is someone who knows when you want to talk. Who will sit in silence when he knows you are thinking of what to say next...composing your thoughts. He'll pass a bottle of shitty whiskey with you and commiserate. He'll give you advice. But mostly, he'll be there to let you know you aren't alone.

A friend is someone who will listen...no matter what.
A friend is someone who will be there...and that's all. Someone who will be in proximity who is there if you need them.
A friend is someone who wants to be there to listen to you.


(there are a thousand lyrics I would love to include in this post...but I will leave you with just the one my friend referenced)

"Strange how you never become
The person you see when you're young"

Lyrics - Haste edition

Lyrically, I think Haste was/still is one of the best bands


catch my hand against the background of night
Dragging fingertips through constellations
-Engine



Remember our worlds much younger
focused on the goal and not the risks
More years go by and the less we notice
living in fear of any consequence
What is compromised?
Settling for security
"It could be worse" as life's philosophy means
that nothing will be any better
Trading ambition and our own confidence

I will not be measured by days
Bound for nothing
I will decide my own fate
Our expectations match the sky
but our reservations block the light
Here it comes again

First to the punch
they will decide limitations by which to abide
Define achievements by whose standards
No fear of living beyond the lines
A revolution against apathy
I will decide what progress means to me
These rules that bind me
I will change...ignite this spark into a flame
-Calendar Year

More Serotonin...please

Sometimes, you take a look back, and ask yourself, "Why did I make all the decisions? It was obviously a recipe for disaster."

Well, I'm finding myself in that place now, somewhat. It all kind of culminated this weekend (which was just a clusterfuck of poor choices). But I finally realize that ignoring problems or running away from them only makes things worse. And truly talking to people is never as terrible as I think it is going to be.

And hell, sometimes you have to really fuck up hard to find out who your true friends are. It is easy to be someone's friend when they aren't suffering, but it is interesting to see you is standing by after you've been a total trainwreck.


I know I've messed things up
By turning gold to stone
Because of my free will, I lied about it all the way
I need to forget, and make this tragic feeling go away

I never heard a word, a word of what you said
Too busy being selfish, I never learned the rules of life
It's time to confess, and look you in the eyes
I need you to forgive, and make this tragic feeling go away

"Suffer in Silence" - Apoptygma Berzerk

Oops

So, I was making a mix cd for you...and halfway through, I realized that all the songs were about telling someone how much you love them.

perspective

They rescued a girl from the rubble in Haiti...her words were, "Mother, don't let me die." And then she died.

My point (insignificant and worthless as it is) is that Faith (capital F) is summed up in that statement. "Mother...don't let me die." Mother...God...Vishnu...Muhammad...Anyone...don't let me die. Don't give up on me. Don't give up - if you fight, I'll fight.

The story isn't that the girl died. It is that she put her absolute unwavering faithtrustlove in someone/something else (her mother? the idea of her mother?). And that made the difference.

And this will be my prayer for a week (a teacher once told me that he only prays for things for a week...otherwise they fly under the radar/he forgets them/they don't seem urgent)

- "God, I know I'm the fuck up of a son, but my Haitian sister really needs you to be there to open your arms and welcome you into your Kingdom."

I'm a liar.

I'm listening to LessThanJake, and the lyrics speak to me.

it's still a mystery to me why I'm doubting all my dreams
"PS - Shock the World"

and


The truth is that I'm self-destructive
I'm insecure, I'm out of focus
The truth is that I've had enough
But you still help me
"Hopeless Case"

(the entire "Hopeless Case" song is my unofficial anthem. I sometimes feel that I should sing it to all my friends, because they put up with all my shit and let me know that I'm not a total fuck up)

Last one for tonight....I promise?

happiness is
only real when
it is shared.

A friend of mine posted that. And I think that is true (for the most part). The times I've been happiest, there has always been someone by me.

Friendships are insane. I don't ever know how I meet my friends, but I thank God every day that I have. And I wouldn't trade my friends for anything. A dump truck full of gold or my friends...it's an easy choice.

Lyrics...its what I do

I'm going to be brutally honest - I've been drinking all day. And I used to do that a lot (not a healthy thing, I know), but nowadays it is a rare(r) occurrence. But it happened today, and I don't regret it. I had no obligations, it is Interim, and I had both the best and the worst time last night. Both the best and the worst deserve drinking.

So anyway, all day I've been in a total funk for various reasons. And when I say "total funk", I mean "I just want to punch a hole in the wall and scream my heart out" kind of mood. And all day, I've just been mulling over my past decisions from last night (from years long gone by?) and mulling over what it means to finally get what you want/be happy.
And all day I've been depressed/angry/sad/raging because at the end of the day....fuck it, I know what makes me happy, but I think (know?) that I settle for the temporary fix that makes me feel good for a short period of time, instead of tryingworkingcaring enough to actually do what is best.

{I got distracted for a half hour and lost this train of thought, but here are some lyrics that are from a song I was listening to when I was writing this}


I'm washing it down. Watch me fall.
It's the shock of the sound of the ants.
to carry me off towards home.

I'm better now, not behind the eyes.
-A Wilhelm Scream "In Vino Veritas"
(That's how I am feeling right now...specifically, the last line)

I got a sad, sad thirst.
We're all whores.
I had a happy thirst, but then came you.
-A Wilhelm Scream "When I Was Alive (Walden III)"
(That's often how I feel when I drink)

The fucking looks those people gave us.
No fucking bullets can erase this.
AWS - "Killing It"
(more for a good friend of mine than for me. The people around you {even if you don't know them} leave an impression)

Too tired (drunk?) to write any more/copy more lyrics, but I will say these parting words....
...Lostprophets

"Always, all ways" - makes me cry all time
"Last Train Home" - makes me think of my current situation (my own doing, this situation?)

I could go on with every song that is bring up emotionssituationsfeelingsemotions for me, but I won't. Just know....Frienships are the most important thing in life. Never let them go.

200 posts...on my blog?!

I had to do it - break into the 200 mark. Yay!! 200 posts of whiny existentialism and bullcrap.
Anyway, last night I hungout with some good people. But I have to say - seeing a friend struggling with self-esteem issues/depression and whatnot is really rough, especially because I can empathize because I used to struggle (and still do to a certain extent) with the same things. And that sucks. But it also makes me cherish my friendships and makes me want to cultivate them moreso than I do.

In pseudo-related news - my righthand middle finger knuckle feels fucked up. As if I punched something last night. Like a wall. I do that when I have emotions I need to get out. The last night we all went out in Budepest, we saw a guy beating up his girlfriend. We broke up the fight, but they left together. Cops never came. Fucked up situation all around. I went home. I was drunk, started crying a bit because that entire clusterfuck of a situation really got to me. Angry tears mixed with sad tears. Angry because I wanted to fucking curbstomp that scumbag, but didn't/couldn't. Sad because there was really nothing I could do. I stood in the bathroom, drunkcrying, and punched the wall as hard as I could. For the next 3 weeks, my hand/righthand middlefinger knuckle was messed up. It was both the smartest and dumbest thing I could have done. Smart because in that moment, I released a lot of tensionemotion and converted it into something I could focus on. Dumb because...what did it really prove? Oh yeah, I'm so tough, I can punch a fucking wall but not that fucking piece of shit who slammed his girlfriend's head into a brick wall. Way to go me! It was basically catharsis for dummies.

I still think about that night. What I could have done. What I did. What I didn't do.

I'll never hit a woman. Like, not to sound like patriarchal/chauvinist, but women deserve to be treated with respect (guys do also). I'm not saying I'm looking to start a fight with a dude, but sometimes, you gotta punch a motherfucker. But a woman...you just don't do that.

A year+ after the fact, that shit still eats me up some nights.

This all was only wishful thinking

"You lipstick - his collar - don't bother, Angel - I know exactly what goes on."

This blog has been on hiatus for a bit because I've been pseudo-regularly writing in a journal for my class.
But I will say - sometimes, you really want something to happen, and then it does, and it is awesome...but it doesn't go exactly how you planned/wanted - and that is tough.

New Year

It is a new year, and that is awesome. Fuck 2009. That year was mediocre at best.

"She's cute, who is she?"

Fuck that scene. Fuck That.