Kill Hannah and dreams

How is my love for Kill Hannah so great? I mean, this band is fantastic! I srsly can't get enough of them, ever. I've seen them...5 times I believe, starting my senior year, so that is pretty good. 5 times in 3.5 years, give or take.
Maybe it is because I have a man crush on 3 of the members. Maybe it is because I really enjoy their sense of fashion. Maybe it is because a lot of their lyrics resonate with me. Whatever the reason, I fuuuucking love Kill Hannah.

If you dream like i dream right now
don't wake up, no don't wake up again
it gets more surreal


Also...I had a super weird dream last night. Maybe it is because I've been alone for a week, but daaamn, my dreams have been getting weirder and weirder.
I'm not entirely sure of the order but here are some things that happened...
I was elected student president of the school, but I had no real power unless I could convince the student council to side with me, and even then we could be overruled by the principle. Anyway, it ends up that Valley Christian was a segregated school....between humans and apes (from planet of the apes), and a steroid abusing gym teacher shot one dead. Well, that threw the school in an uproar because none of the students wanted it segregated, and we all hated this prick. So I used my power to stage a rally/rebellion to try to force Principle Benson to fire this guy and give equal rights to the apes.
I was walking to Florida to see someone, and I got picked up by a guy who looked a lot like Corey Feldman. We drove for a while until he dropped me off on a long bridge in the middle of a tropical storm. So, I had to cross over, on foot, across slick, metal walkways and girders that were several hundred feet above a turbulent water. I have a mild fear of heights, but I especially hate heights that have no guard railings or aren't sealed. So, I was freaking out.
Later, I went to his house and hungout with him and a McCauly Culkin lookalike, and met their family. It is McCauly's house, but I really didn't like him. I also used his waffle iron for Satanic purposes.
Then, there was a scene involving WWI planes fighting an aircraft carrier/battleship. Then, those same planes were depth-charging nuclear submarines. Then, there was a massive, inflatable, sea-faring sandwich shop.
I walked to a party on Calvin's campus, and I met Chad who had grown a massive beard. Then, there was a dance party hosted by Jess Baehman, who had supplied alcohol to Justine and got her drunk. Then, there were 5 people camped out/hiding in a room waiting for another person to come in and have sex with some really hot chick. I was half under the bed and under a blanket, and when they came in, all I could see was their feet. But then they never had sex, so that was lame.

Retrospective

So, this Spring Break brought me to some very important self discoveries, revelations necessary for me to come to on my own. Things I always knew but chose to ignore. Fears I hoped would dissipate after time, but instead, fears that have only grown worse as time passes.
Hopefully I'll be able to bring about substantial change in my life. Hopefully this will last.

* * *

I've been away from home too long
I've drifted away

Reflect, repent, relinquish
Release, resolve, renew

Finally, I'm coming home

Dreams from a cryotank

After loading up on too much nyQuill and Tylenol PM, I settled down into a night of long dreams.

I started out in the Netherlands on a study abroad. It was all the same people from Hungs08, and we spent a lot of our time in a massive warehouse/thrift store, perusing the items. We then went down to a waterfront pub where I ended up getting smashed and meeting Derrik Bentley, the greatest guy of all time. He was of Indian descent, mid-20s, and we hit it off. Then, it snowed, so we all went skating on that canals. However, earlier in my dream I had envisioned myself falling through the ice, so I was a bit worried - but it ended up being a lot of fun. The next day, however, I was walking on the ice when it began to crack underneath me. I made a jump for land as the ice gave way underneath me, but I came up short. I was floundering in the water, unable to scream for help, realizing that I was about to die when I saw a tall Dutchman on the shore. I shouted out in English and German, and he came over, totally nonplussed by my situation, helped me out, threw me on his back, and carried me to the hospital where I spent the next two days recovering.
I then ended up in Prague with my Hungs08 crew for Interim. Not much happened, until the last day when I rescued two guys who fell into an icy canal and walked them to a hospital. Then, I hooked up with Kevin, and 3-4 other guys who I knew...but I'm not sure I knew them in real life. We spent the night walking around a seedier part of town, and eventually ended up in a Hot Topic-y place where some girlband was playing some metal show. JLS showed up and talked to me, and wanted to see me over spring break, and all I could think about was how weird it was that she wasn't pissed at me and that we carried on a normal conversation. I eventually left, feeling totally heartbroken and confused, but I hooked up with some Hungs08 people and walked along the riverfront taking pictures.
We ended up in front of a massive cathedral which had a statue garden in front of it, only some of the statues were living. I walked in, not knowing, and ended up getting mauled by a bear and 2-headed tiger before I escaped. At this point, all my Hungs08 friends were now my family/nobility, and they were all heading for our boat to leave the city, but I was still recovering from the mauling. Suddenly, across the river, I saw our arch-rival noble family coming towards us, including their eldest son who was the greatest swordsman of all time. I tried to make a run for my family, but I knew I was going to have to fight.
I drew ny sword and prepared for battle. He smashed through the statue garden, leaped high into the air, and came down on me with incredible force. We battled for a few seconds, and although he had the upperhand, I still managed to land a few solid blows on him. I was overmatched, however, and realized that I desperately needed to escape before he killed me. I realized that I had the ability to summon angels, so I summoned three of them. Two surrounded him and fought him as the other flew me towards my family...

Love is a many splintered thing

So, I am sitting at home alone, slightly buzzed (not drunk, mind you) reflecting on my past relationships and all I can say is - Goddamn, how did I end up with the worst people possible for me? I mean, granted, I grew a lot due to the experience, but srsly? WTF?!?! One dumps my ass after Pro-Life camp indoctrinated her with this bullshit view of humanity, and the other one dumped me 3 days after I finally grew the balls to tell her that I love her.
Those are the only girls I've really dated (besides an 8th grade relationship which I don't think counts although it was for 10 months).
So like, yes, I take my time and it takes me a while to figure shit out, but it seems that once I get my act together, chicks are all like, "Fuuuuck you, I'm gonna tear your heart out." Maybe it is warranted. It does take me forever to figure out what I want, and it does take me forever to finally commit.
The major problem now is that I don't know how to express my emotions to girls. I am a super shy guy, so if a girl ever flirts with me, mostly all we do is flirt, and by the time I've worked up my courage, she has already moved on to some football player. Or, we hit it off, and we get super physical super fast, and that ends up destroying our relationship.
I know that I am a rational agent, and I shouldn't blame other people for my problems - but goddamn my parents for fucking me up. Goddamn ******* for showing me what the perfect family life is. And goddamn ******* for showing me what love is and then taking it away from me.

And when I am in this mood, I listen to

"The Dream is Dead" by Type O Negative

Champagne glass of blood and wine
On chocolate hearts alone I dine
Candles weeping waxing tears
Ten for roses each one a year - disappear

Arrows fester in my heart
Each memory another dart
Love and death both colored red
Showing my past, the dream is dead

Another lonely Valentine's Day
I can't believe that things turned out this way
And though I hate to see you go
I know it must be so
Another lonely Valentine's Day

Nobody will break your fall
All for none, yeah, none for all
Nothing's so cruel as the truth
Join the Festival of Fools

Dante's Inferno test

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!

Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Level | Score
Purgatory | Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo | Very Low
Level 2 | Very High
Level 3 | High
Level 4 | Very High
Level 5 | Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis | Very High
Level 7 | Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge | Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus | High

Level descriptions: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html
Take the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv

Fuuuuck...in High School, I was in Level 5, but everything else was pretty low, and Purgatory/Limbo were High. I have truly descended to a point where my morals are so terrible.

Nostalgia

I'm currently drinking vodka/grape juice, listening to Placebo, and thinking about Hungary. The last night we were there, I spent most of it alone. I rode the trams, sad music playing on my iPod. I walked through the crowds of people at the Christmas Market, not saying a word. I walked along the Danube, spiced wine in hand, soaking in the beauty of the moment. It was chilly, but the kind of chill that invigorates, not one that forces you inside and under a blanket. I walked alone along that empty waterfront.
I wanted it to last forever.
Had I died then, I would have been complete.
A calm sense of peace and tranquillity enveloped me.
And in that moment, I was infinite.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2e6HxhmVWP0&annotation_id=annotation_786682&feature=iv

Music videos

I'm convinced that Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" is by far the most sensual and sexy song of all time. It makes me want to make love in a tropical paradise. Sadly, I couldn't find the video of the song (probably taken off to Youtube for copyright reasons), but it is super phenomenal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1f-dLh-yfLs&feature=related

Also, I think that Nick Cave's "Into My Arms" is one of the most beautiful songs of all time. It brings a tear to my eye every time I hear it. Not to mention his voice is fantastic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FG0-cncMpt8&feature=related

Massive Attack's "Live With Me" is perhaps one of the most heartbreaking videos to watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSxui0uFr3g

I cry every time I hear the Johnny Cash version of "Hurt". The video only makes it worse.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmVAWKfJ4Go

Sentenced made some fantastic videos, but none more powerful than "No One There" (my all time favorite song of theirs, I believe).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8ulTo4s3So

Why are sad songs the most beautiful?

Rain

There is nothing quite as beautiful as rain.
Today's storm matches my mood. Grey and troubled. Yet still serene.
I was planning on writing more, but I have nothing more to write.

Heroes on the brain

So I had a suitably epic dream last night. It was super long, but the part that is important went as follows.

For a while, we (myself and a small band of good guys) had been being chased by agents of a corrupt regime. Well, we finally decided to stand and fight, and luckily, I had just been given a sword from a wise old master, and it turns out that since the regime had killed my old love, I was able to wield it with insane skill because of my quest for vengeance. So, me and about three others are wading through a horde of underlings, slicing and stabbing and generally just being epic.
So there we are, standing flush with victory, when the evil lord of the regime comes to face us. Some witty dialogue ensues, and he ends up wounding my friend Kasie. Her boyfriend Jerod runs after the evil lord, but he is unarmed! Therefore, I run after him, hoping to give him the sword so that he can wield it with insane skill to seek vengeance on the evil lord. A small chase scene ensues, and we end up in the dark basement, face to face with the lord.
It is at this point that I realize that this is the same basement where they kept Nathan Petrelli as they tortured and experimented him after he told the world of our existence. Peter Petrelli then shows up, talking about how he can save the future by going back in time to kill Nathan Petrelli, but I know that if he kills Nathan, a worse future will ensue. So, I time travel into the future, and imprison Peter in a secure hold vault in the basement of my house in Appleton. However, I messed up my time-travel and lost a lot of my memory, so I was totally unsure as to what was happening except that I had Peter Petrelli locked up.