Receptivity

I had in turns both the most amazing and the worst weekend of all time.
I spent a lot of time in the hospital with Amy and watched her get better as each day passed. On two occasions, I thought I was going literally to kill her because I was making her laugh so hard.
But on Saturday night, our house hosted a party which had the potential to be amazing but ended up being pretty shitty. I hate it when booze makes me all hyper because then I am in less control and end up doing dumb shit.
Also, thanks to whoever walked into my room, vomited on the floor, and walked out.
Also, I learned the hard way that not many people are up to the standard of drinking that the members of the Sojourners' Cafe hold. And mixing delicious jungle-juice in a a gallon hug-hug and passing it around is a great way to get underclassmen real drunk, real quick. Oops...
Today started out fantastically - I woke up early and went over to the hospital with Al where we spent an hour with Amy. We grabbed breakfast at Marie Catrib's, and it was delicious. My two classes were pretty decent. But now, I have to write a short story for Creative Writing, and all I really want to do is go to bed (despite having just taken an hour long nap). And I am also not in the mood to see people.
Maybe that's because I've been listening to Mogwai and Nick Cave. I really just want it to be warm so that I can go take a nice long walk by myself.

I feel good letting go
Maybe forgetting is easy
But everything is too silent
And the colors are all gone

Alternative

This has been a mixed semester so far. A lot of school work. Mostly reading, constant writing for Schmidt's 'Creative Writing' class, which makes me remember just how much I hate writing/people reading my writing/having to reread my writing to edit it. But Weightlifting is good. It is always nice to work out, feel the burn, and then take a nap. I always feel sedated after working out. And in all honesty, that is healthier than sedating myself with alcohol....but a man must have his vices, right?
Socially, the semester has been mixed as well. I feel like I don't have time for a lot of my friends. Still, I get to hangout with my roommates (which is always a fantastic time), and I meet people through them (which is good). So it is not all bad.

But right now, I am listening to Anathema, drinking, and being angsty. "Alternative 4" (the entire album) has so many lyrics that depict my emotions/mental state.


I'm looking over my shoulder cause millions
will whisper I'm killing myself again
Maybe I'm dying faster but nothing ever last I
remember a night from my past when I was
stabbed in the back and its all coming back
And I feel that pain again

LTJ lyrics

I haven't written on this in a while. What do I have to say? Probably just some Less Than Jake lyrics.

I'd rather sit back
Just smoke cigarettes
Be the one with the loudest mouth
Be the most closed minded as I could be

So I sit and wait and wonder...

Holy shit, I'm a fat-ass. Jesus motherfuck. I guess I'm going to really dive into the gym this semester. Luckily, I have Weight Training as a class, and I have time to do cardio on the other days. And I'm trying to eat healthier...but it is a process.
Apparently, lack of sleep and stress contribute to gaining/keeping fatty weight, but neither of those two factors are going away anytime soon.

Also, I am listening to a lot of Less Than Jake...which means I am unsatisfied with the direction of my life. (Here's a tip, when I listen to a lot of doom metal, it means I am in an introspective mood/have a philosophical problem, a lot of AFI and/or Katatonia-esque stuff means that I have relationship problems, and Less Than Jake means I have personal-directional problems)

I can't get enough, I'm not satisfied, I've wasted my time with this daily grind, in single file line, is this real life, I've been telling myself sometimes, what matters is on the inside.