I never said I was brave

I constantly say this, but I will never be able to truly convey what I mean when I say - I have amazing friends. A lot of times I feel like I don't deserve the people who are in my life. My close friends always blow my mind, people I haven't known for so long feel like soulmates, and even acquaintances are an insane blessing.

Now about my last post. I think a lot about death. I am captivated by it. I often wonder what will happen when I die, I often wonder when I will die. Looking back on my life, there have been numerous incidents where I could have died easily. Driving back to MI a year and two months ago, I almost merged into the only other car in a 5 mile radius. About 7 or 8 years ago, I was on a cruise in Alaska...and I felt the urge to jump off the back of the ship. I didn't do it, and I didn't have anything going on in my life that would have caused me to think that way...but I felt the urge nevertheless.

I've always loved the poet John Donne. His life, his faith, his poetry are all inspirations to me. But he also had a fascination with death. He had a portrait taken of him in his late life, and he wore a funeral shroud for it. His Holy Sonnet X is something I want read at my funeral. "Death, be not proud. Though some have called thee mighty and dreadful...thou art not so."

Death is a part of life. I have lost all my grandparents at this point. Going on about 5 or 6 years of having no grandparents. And that is really only hitting me now, in these past few months. When they died, I didn't feel any special sense of loss...I wasn't particularly close with them due to some extenuating circumstances. But now, it hurts me that I wasn't close with them. I wish I could just pick up the phone and call my Papa John. Or go over to his house for Sunday night burgers. Or listen to Grandma Nell play the piano.
I wish I had known Paige better before she died. I wish she hadn't died. I wish I could have spent another day with her.

But what all this death has taught me is that I don't want to look back on my life in regret. I don't want to see someone die and think, "I wish I had known them better". I want to be able to say, "You better fucking believe this kid was a riot, and we had some good fucking times."

I don't know when I am going to die. I have to assume that the angel looking over me is going to slip up one day (I am kind of a handle and often get in sticky situations) and my providence will run out. But Death doesn't scare me half as much as living a long life and at the end of that life looking back and thinking, "Wow, I didn't really live my life...I just got by. I was a mediocre friend and didn't truly connect with those around me."

I read a Heine poem...sadly I don't have it in front of me, but the premise is this - Heine is talking about death, and he would regret dying without creating one truly good poem. If he creates that one poem, he can die fulfilled.
Replace [poem] with anything. For me, all I really want is to be a good friend. If I am a good friend, then I won't regret anything when I die. Yes, I have goals in my life...but loving the people around me is something I want to put at the top of the list.


Finally, to sum it up, I'll do what I do best - reference a band. Rosetta's first album "The Galilean Satellites" is a concept album (literally) about a man who yearns for peace so he travels to the distant moon of Europa. He arrives there, in solitude...but he realizes that he has left behind everything important to him, and all those things than made him annoyed/angry/frustrated with life didn't really matter. He tries to get back, but he dies on the way, his orbit gone wrong. (Metaphorically) the album is about running away from those around you. It is about trying to achieve harmony in solitude. But the joke/truth is that there is only harmony in the chaos around you, and the things truly worthwhile in life aren't found in solitude.

This borrowed time is over now
I miss them all,
the halves of me.