Oh jeez...here's a question - have you ever had so much energy that you feel like you are going to explode?
Tonight, in Senior Sem, for the last 45 minutes I felt like I was going to explode. My heartrate was jacked, I couldn't focus, and I didn't want to run around so much as I wanted to literally explode. A brilliant blaze to purge of all my emotions and thoughts. I'm not sure why I felt that way. Maybe it was just because I had something to say. Once I was done talking about my senior seminar final essay, I felt calmer. Not entirely drained as in other cases when I get this way. But my heartrate slowed. And now, I still have enough energy to do homework. Normally, I pour out everything and then need to go nap. A physical need to sleep, to recharge.
Does this resonate/make sense to any of you?
And I will start early on writing my Senior Sem Paper (maybe even on this blog), because it is meaningful to me. It is something I need to write. It will not allow me to sluff it at the last minute.
Intro - Lay out my project, reference Rousseau/other confessions. They start by laying out their intention. Admit my fallenness and tendency towards bias. I admire Rousseau's ambition (total honesty/self-disclosure) but admit that it is unattainable, all he does is lie and deceive. Then why even bother? Just as it is impossible for us to be like Christlike, that doesn't stop us from striving towards being like Him.
Find out what Calvin's mission is/a Liberal Arts education. Develop it, outside sources (the shift of the Enlightenment towards the Research/modern university?). Tabitha said that I should talk to people who haven't gone to a Liberal Arts college (Rebekah, Tyler).
My expectations of college (what were they?) I have to press myself to find out. Think, what did I really expect to get out of this whole experience? Why did I expect those things?
What did I get out of Calvin? Expectations v. Reality. What did I like about Calvin/what do I most remember/value. What did I think was wrong with it?
Was it worth it? At the very least...what did I gain? What was Worthwhile? (maybe that's the better question than was it worth it)
Ivan Ilych - is it Calvin/college turning me into that? Or is it all up to me to avoid becoming like that? Is it fair to blame the institution wholly (no, it can't be). Calvin gave me Hungary/Ukraine/baby Mamu.
TED - did it kill my creativity? at times. Was it my fault I didn't become more involved in classes/papers? is it up to the professor to make the class something tailored to me (to a certain extent).
I will not be bound to pure academia. If I want to bring in musicians (why are they less legitimate than the poets taught in the class room?), then I bloody damn will then.
Rosetta - the Galilean Satellites. A tale of a man who thinks he wants to escape, but when he reaches his destination...he realizes he left behind eveything/one meaningful to him.
Haste - some of the greatest lyrics of all time. From time to time, I just peruse through their lyrics and read them as if they were poetry.
"Calendar Year"
A revolution against apathy
I will decide what progress means to me
These rules that bind me
I will change...ignite this spark into a flame
"Engine" - catch my hand against the background of night / Dragging fingertips through constellations
(a start)
* * *
Thank you, Porcupine Tree for this calm and beautiful song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jr8GRvYGE2I
So rest your head upon me
I have strength to carry you
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