That guy

So...it has been a year since I first went to Hungary. And I loved that country. And our trips to Transylvania (Gatorade bottles of cheap booze and coke to keep me warm), Poland, Ukraine, and Croatia...but mostly what I remember is me being a fucking trainwreck. An alcoholic, fucking shitstorm. And in hindsight, I've tried to tell people why I was the way I was...but I thought I would just right my story here for my own good.


I got to Hungary, and I was the king of the fucking world. 3 days later...I was in abject misery. The girl I loved (and I loved her, and fuck anyone who says shit like "you were too young to feel that") broke my heart. She stopped talking to me. And when she did end up talking to me, she made it painfully clear that she had moved on.

So I did the only thing I could -- I turned to cheap booze. I drank all the time. Like, the amount that this hurt me...I can't put into words. The love of my life, the person I was thinking about moving 1,200 miles for....broke my heart. 5 years of my most formative years. My own fault for that.

So, she broke my heart. And then I decided alcoholism was the best route. It was cheap, and it numbed the pain. And being cheap and easy, it lasted for too long. All semester. All Interim. All Spring semester. Summer. Fall. Weeks will pass where I kick the habit. But I still miss her. Every day. I miss her, and what we could have been.

And now I am too afraid to even let a girl know that I like her. Or even that I think she looks good. I'm so fucking awkward around girls now, it isn't even funny. I will always be a great friend to girls, but I will never move past that. And that is both good and bad.

I’m adding water to w(h)ine
Pretending I’m not that guy
I’m cracking jokes all the time
to cover up a steady decline


And now to Her.

Hey, I know you've probably forgotten me at this point, but you once told me that you would let me know when you were ready to talk again. Well, I'm letting you know - I'm sorry I fucked up so hard when we were ready to date. When I was growing up, I never knew if we should really date, and the whole long distance thing really freaked me out...and by the time I got over my fears, you were so turned off that you couldn't commit. I accept that. I was shitty at commitment, so the fact that you the same with me is not a big surprise.
But I just want to also say that...I forgive you. And I miss you. And I hope that things work out for you. I know you haven't had the easiest life, and I sincerely wish I had been the guy you would turn to and let comfort you. I won't be that guy. And we won't even speak any more. But I still love you. And I hope you find what you are looking for.

And I'm finally burying the ghost of you and me. Farewell. I'm still here, and I'm still waiting...but only if you want it.

-p