Why I do this (an apologetic)

I think it is a legitimate question to ask why people blog. For some people they are simply, "OMG, i luv 2 blog, rite?!!!" Others are more like, "I have an opinion to share, and I want whoever out there to know."
For me, this blog is all about keeping me sane. It's about reminding myself that there is a part of me that cares and thinks deeply. Often times, I think/worry that people just see one side of me - namely, the alcoholic, vodka-drinking, fun loving irresponsible side of me, and they think that is all there is to me. And yes, it is easy to judge me. I love booze; I love to show up to parties already drunk and then proceed to drink even more. But the thing is...it is so easy for someone to see the "negative" side of me. But it is a lot harder for someone to take the time to get to know me and really find out what I think and my beliefs/values. It is easy for someone to sit back and watch me get hammered and feel superior to me (even though they are probably drunk themselves), but it is harder for someone to come up and talk to me about serious issues. Like child abuse (which I've seen first hand in Ukraine). Or human trafficking (which I know someone who went through that). Or so on.

And the thing is, I don't expect people to ask those questions. Honestly, I really don't want just anybody asking me about those things. I affect a very measured and cultured persona for most of my existence. That of a drunk, un-caring cad. Because the thing is...I really don't give a shit what most of the world thinks. I know that there are a few really close friends of mine that can attest to the fact that I am more than I appear.

Because, in all honesty, that cultured, affected persona of a sleazy, drunken cad is part of my way with dealing with all of what I've seen. I'm not saying my life has been so terribly hard, but I've lost a number of people in my life, and I try to support those people who are hurting and broken. I was in Forensics (public speech competition) for my 4 years of high school, and the running joke was that Comedy was easier to perform than Tragedy. And in real life, that is true. It is easier to be the laid-back joker of the group than the brooding, introspective poet. Everyone accepts the Former because he makes their lives fun/comfortable. The Latter simply is a party-downer.

So, that is my apologetic defense of my behavior. In no way does that justify my actions - simply gives an explanation for them. Sometimes, you have to laugh and view life and absurd, otherwise you'll cry and break down at just how hopeless it all is.