A long, stream of consciousness

Winter is fast becoming my favorite season. The dark, the biting wind, the cold, the snow, the silence, the stillness, the mystery, the vastness, the grandeur.

I had a long and lovely day. But now, I am huddled in my room, blanket wrapped tightly around me, an ice-cold beer in hand, protected from the vicious weather, but able to admire its beauty.

(Traces in snow)
I always pair winter with liberal doses of Cult of Luna. Specifically, "Somewhere Along the Highway". Nothing speaks to me of vast stretches of frozen roadway at night like this album. The songs drag on just like the long cold night. Bleak as the frozen wind whipping through the trees. Moments of infinite stillness and peace broken by stark violence and fury.

(One moment can change everything)
I've never felt more in love than I did today. I spent my morning taking my LSAT. 5 grueling, dragging hours. An arduous task that left me drained, empty. Physically, mentally, emotionally. After such a taxing effort, there is nothing more beautiful in the world than climbing into bed with the person you love and just holding them tight. Something about both being exhausted and drained leads to a raw openness of emotion. The smallest of things brings about a smile or the desire to cry. The touching of cheeks, the tightening of her hand on yours, and gentle murmur of contentment made while half asleep. Every moment is sacred and cherished. The base and lustful impulses are gone, leaving nothing but the pure essence of one person's love for another. It is overwhelming. It is beauty.

(The landscape has changed. You don't recognize me)
Some friends of mine were up this weekend from Wisconsin. I always have to laugh at just how different some of us have become and yet how we are all the same. Still, I always wonder if I would recognize myself if I went and visited the 16year old version of myself. Am I who I wanted to be at that age? Have I done well by myself?

(Caught in a vortex between false perceptions and reality)
A friend of mine recently lost a lot of weight. She slimmed down enormously, and she just posted a note on Facebook that finally answered the question many people had been wondering - how she did it. I won't lie, I wondered, but I never asked. The answer, however, did not surprise. Through hard work. She shed over 100 pounds simply by having the will to want it and to change her eating and exercise habits to obtain it. She looks great, but to be honest, a part of me misses her old size. She was always there with a huge and a smile whenever I needed it. I don't think she realized just how much that meant to me, having someone like her envelope me in her hug. It was comforting. But her insides haven't changed, and maybe what I attribute to her physically big size is simply me thinking about how big her heart is.


Fall into sleep.
Rest your eyes.
Live amongst the shadows.
Walk through the light.
At last you're on your own.