Apologies...

I'm sorry, but I feel like I talk about music on virtually every post on this blog. But I was sitting here listening to a mix cd my friend gave me Freshman year, and the song "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie came on, and I teared up. It just broke me back to last February when a friend of mine was in the hospital unexpectedly, and it was one of those situations where you don't know if they are going to be alright.

And it came to me then
That every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time

And I remember being at the hospital and being kicked out of her room and forced to sit in the waiting room. And even at that time, I remembered just how much I hate waiting rooms. Terrible magazines, terrible TV shows, terrible coffee. The unknowing. The sense of helplessness.

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds

I've been in that place before. Senior year, 3 of my good friends were in a car accident. One of them was fine and my girlfriend of the time got quality treatment, but when I walked into the waiting room, I saw one of my best friends with eyes red from crying, cuts on her face from the accident, just looking helpless...and the hospital wouldn't admit her because she didn't have the right kind of insurance.

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news
Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their head
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die

Fuck waiting rooms. If I am ever in a life or death situation, where it is touch and go as to whether or not I am going to live, fuck what doctors/nurses say, come into my room and be with me. Honestly, I don't know why they kick family and friends out. You can get them scrubbed down/sterilized enough to be in the room. If I ever end up in the hospital due to something serious...honestly, the thing that would be the best cure for me is seeing the people I love.

So who's going to watch you die?

I am not good at dealing with death. I've lost all of my grandparents, two of whom I was pretty close with. A friend of mine was killed just this past Spring. Death sucks. And after someone I know dies, I shut down for a couple of weeks and totally withdraw.
But.
I would give anything to be with those people at the time they passed away. To be able to say goodbye. That I love them.