I've seen...

I am sitting in my room, working on my senior seminar paper (which is taking turns I hadn't expected), listening to the wind outside and to Anathema inside (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSdTjKfOlqA - one of the most beautiful songs ever written)...and I came across this.

"There is the crumpled note tacked to my over-tacked and -noted and -taped bulletin board which says, “Write the things which you have seen.”
-a friend

And I felt the need to do that. Because sometimes you need to remind yourself.

I've seen...

Two good friends get married to amazing men
The pain of a friend as she struggles through life
The pain of a friend who found out she had cancer
The laughter of a friend as we walked around her hospital floor.
People dirty and poor smile as if they were kings and queens.
Friends hold babies abandoned by their parents and shower love on those babies.
The look behind a baby's eyes, a child too young to speak, that says, "Please don't leave me."
How much I've grown.
Two friends fall in love.
The most beautiful sunset.

And one day, I feel I'll write stories about these moments in time.
But that is not today.
Instead, I have to wipe the tears from my eyes and get back to work. But work that I take joy in.


PS - Go listen to the song "Forever Lost" by God is an Astronaut. It is not nearly as sad as the title would suggest. In fact, all I feel is peace and hope when I listen to it.

I've got...

I've got a bottle of Dow's Fine Ruby Porto, a soundtrack, 12-15 pages to write, and 44 hours to go.

Edit 1 (10:18) - 2 pages in. Listening to Fear Factory - "I Will Follow (U2 Cover)". Done with the Port for the night (far too sweet for more than a glass or two).

something's out there

Some days, I just want to give into this kind of thinking


I'd rather sit back,
and just smoke cigarattes.
be the one with the loudest mouth
be the most closed minded that I could get

I could deal with this nonstop spinning world.

A most unproductive weekend. Terribly unproductive.
However, I did find what I will read for my senior sem. class.

(I grabbed Robert Frost off of the shelf, opened up, and was staring right at a poem I had never read before...but once which I knew fit perfectly.)


And now, here I am, staring at the last 3 days of classes and a load of unfinished, unstarted projects/papers/studying.


Tell me that I'm not so weak.
Tell me that I'm not alone.

But it isn't that bad. I am an expert at lying to myself. And it seems that I would rather sit back and philosophize and reflect than actually do some work.

How do you rest when you know you can't slow down?

And I don't even feel motivated to write this...I'm just doing it because I am desperate to do anything other than start my day and leave this room.

Awwww yeah

My name is Mikael "Motherfucking" Stanne. I am a great looking metal vocalist. I don't take shit from any one
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZ4lLhSf9-E

I'm inside, wrapped in a blanket...the window is open, the wind is blowing, howling through the trees, and making me colder than I should(could) be. I'm listening to AFI and drink gin-absinthes on the rocks.
It takes me back to Florida. It was late night, and I was out on my (my own personal...my room had this) balcony/sundeck. I had opened all the blinds/storm shutters and was sitting in the swivel chair. Not much later, I was just laying on the shag carpet. I had brought out a pillow and a blanket, in order to spend the night there. (I get in moods where I love to sleep on floors).
I was listening to music (AFI) on my computer and texting someone (well, two someone's if you have to be exact).
And this moment brings me back to that moment. I'm wrapped in a blanket, window open, wrapped in a blanket, colder than I should be, listening to AFI.
I could be texting...but I won't. There is no need.


It's strange how the minorest of things will remind you of something monumental.

insecurities

It's kind of funny (in a mostly sad sort of way) that virtually everybody has the same fears about life, yet we (I) still act shock when we find that out.
What I mean is this - I got a message from a someone the other day and this person said that they had a mini-freak out/break down about life in general the night before, but all they needed was a night of good sleep and a productive day.

My first thought was, "Wow, (name) had a freakout/breakdown about life? I never would have expected that. They always seem so in command, so confident."

But of course they freak out about life...everybody does. Its just human. And I'm sure there would be people who would be shocked to find out that I freakout/breakdown when thinking about the future all the time.

I keep asking myself if they realize
That their fears are really just the same as mine
Do they know all their insecurities
Are the same ones that are inside of me
As people come and go
Do they know they’re really not alone?