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Fuck. FUuuuuuck fucking fuck. fuck goddamn shit fuck.

I get the feeling I wouldn't like me if I met me
-Less Than Jake

So I told her I loved her
And she told me she loved me
And I mostly believed her
And she mostly believed me
-Pedro the Lion

If I lost you

And I don't know what I'd do if I lost you


What is LOVE?

To be honest, I don't know. But I'm going to hazard a guess. Love is feeling comfortable with someone. Love is knowing you'd be diminished without that person in your life. Love is wanting to be near that person (even though you are used to being comfortable by yourself). Love is this fucked up state where you see people who are objectively more physically attractive but you are all like 'No...this is the one'...and then it is true. Love is compromise. Love is flowers unexpectedly. Love is just holding. Love is this weird emotion where you put others before yourself. Love is when you decide that maybe you want to make someone smile. And that when they smile, that will make you smile. And when they are sad, you're sad. And you don't know why you feel this way, but you do. And Love is. Love is. Love is knowing that there are people outside of yourself, and your actions affect them, and you change yourself because of that. Not because they ask you to. But because you feel something for them and you don't want to hurt them because of what you do.

We live as fast as we can

If we all should die tonight
We will have no regrets

If this night should take my life
(We cant go back we cant go)

What to write.? Other than, I listen to this song, and I want to write a semi-autobiographical novel based on my life. On all the paths I didn't take. Starting when I was 19 and I danced with a girl at the Kill Hannah winterhometown concert and never talked to her. What if I had? What if we had a tragic love affair?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tmgq3CUIhVY

She had stars drawn around her eyes. She was young, insecure, and shy. We moved together. And it was beautiful. As Kill Hannah sang "New Heart for Xmas" and the snow fell around us, we moved as one. Stars in eyes.

This blog has almost exclusively become the deep rooted relationship I have with music. How music can stir up such strong emotions with me (you, us, anyone?).

Sometimes, I have a hard time expressing how I feel. Maybe that is why I have such an affinity for bands whose songs are such sprawling, vast, and far flung works. (but that is most likely the English Major in me reading far too much into things)

But sometimes, what you need to say (what you feel, think, want to scream out) can only be expressed in restraint. In building. In the empty spaces.

Sometimes it is what you don't say that reveals who you really are.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBmBDc3TVcY

This music video of supreme simplicity, both in visual and audio...yet it evokes so much. The tension, the building. The vastness. I feel like I could scream, and the song would swallow the sound up (that I could scream at any point in the song and it would fit).

And that is how I feel. Vast, empty, full of tension, restraint, terror, sprawling, and on and on...

We live as fast as we can

Do you know who you are? Really, deep down? Because I sure as hell don't. I could write more...but I won't.



Do what you do and you say what you say
You can wear what you want
But we still look the same

Do you even know who you are?
Do you even know who you are?
Do you really know who you are?

A Modern Day Augustine

It is interesting (funny, humourous, sad, overwhelming?) to think about people from the past who we now venerate and esteem. St. Augustine was once a man, not a literary, religious figure. He lived. He wrote down his experiences, and due to happenstance (God, fate, design), those experiences were preserved and now we hold him as an exemplar of Christianity. He shows us the path from darkness to light.

A modern day Augustine would have no idea of his importance. He would simply write and live his life as best he thought. He only becomes St. Augustine centuries later, when history reclaims his words and deems them worthy of remembering. Until then, he is just Augustine. If his words are deemed not noteworthy enough for the modern age and he is relegated to the forgotten depths of history...his life is no less important, just less remembered by a different age. Augustine still lived, he still loved, he still tried, he still had impact, even if future generations didn't deem him worthy to remember.

The voice that speaks these words
Gives them wings to fly
(Where they fly one will never know
Though one can hope)

How I was, How I am

I've strayed away from this blog for awhile because I've been writing in my paper journal. But sometimes you need to write fast, and I can't do that with a pen-and-paper journal. My hand doesn't keep up with my thoughts. There is no 'Delete' button.

A friend of mine recently talked about alcohol/alcoholism so art of me wants to talk about that...but not really. It is a great subject...but not for tonight.


I'm getting older.

Statement. I'm almost 23. I'm out of college, in a "real job" internship, thinking about Law School (if I go to Law School, that is another 3 years worth of school...I'll be 27 basically when I'm done), marriage has been tossed around a bit. Fuck, I'm getting old.

And the thing is...I know I'm getting older because in years past, I would have just run away from these sorts of issues. I would've packed bags, headed out West and been done with the problems of trying to sort out my life.

But here I am...nearly 23, loving my "real job" internship, applying to Law School (soon), entertaining the thought of marriage, realizing that a lot of my friends from highschool have spouses and kids.

Perspective shifts when you get older. When it happens, I'll never know.
But (as I always do), let me quote a song. This song puts it better than any other I've ever heard.

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - "Howwhywyz Howwhyam"

Am i getting older?
Are things getting harder?
I used to never cry when I would think about my father.
The years went by so goddamn fast,
You know, I've left a lot behind.
My devil may care attitude, you know, I just can't seem to find.
Once upon a time I never minded very much.
I never let it knock me down or grind me out of touch.
Once I had an outlook different than it is.
Full of dreams and schemes, it seems they just do not exist.
Once I told myself he will not be missed.
I never thought I'd see the day I'd ever feel like this.