Itinerent

If I lost you

2011-09-06T01:27:00.002-04:00

And I don't know what I'd do if I lost you

What is LOVE?

To be honest, I don't know. But I'm going to hazard a guess. Love is feeling comfortable with someone. Love is knowing you'd be diminished without that person in your life. Love is wanting to be near that person (even though you are used to being comfortable by yourself). Love is this fucked up state where you see people who are objectively more physically attractive but you are all like 'No...this is the one'...and then it is true. Love is compromise. Love is flowers unexpectedly. Love is just holding. Love is this weird emotion where you put others before yourself. Love is when you decide that maybe you want to make someone smile. And that when they smile, that will make you smile. And when they are sad, you're sad. And you don't know why you feel this way, but you do. And Love is. Love is. Love is knowing that there are people outside of yourself, and your actions affect them, and you change yourself because of that. Not because they ask you to. But because you feel something for them and you don't want to hurt them because of what you do.

We live as fast as we can

2011-06-25T02:45:00.003-04:00

If we all should die tonight
We will have no regrets

If this night should take my life
(We cant go back we cant go)

What to write.? Other than, I listen to this song, and I want to write a semi-autobiographical novel based on my life. On all the paths I didn't take. Starting when I was 19 and I danced with a girl at the Kill Hannah winterhometown concert and never talked to her. What if I had? What if we had a tragic love affair?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tmgq3CUIhVY

She had stars drawn around her eyes. She was young, insecure, and shy. We moved together. And it was beautiful. As Kill Hannah sang "New Heart for Xmas" and the snow fell around us, we moved as one. Stars in eyes.

2011-06-19T23:57:00.002-04:00

This blog has almost exclusively become the deep rooted relationship I have with music. How music can stir up such strong emotions with me (you, us, anyone?).

Sometimes, I have a hard time expressing how I feel. Maybe that is why I have such an affinity for bands whose songs are such sprawling, vast, and far flung works. (but that is most likely the English Major in me reading far too much into things)

But sometimes, what you need to say (what you feel, think, want to scream out) can only be expressed in restraint. In building. In the empty spaces.

Sometimes it is what you don't say that reveals who you really are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBmBDc3TVcY

This music video of supreme simplicity, both in visual and audio...yet it evokes so much. The tension, the building. The vastness. I feel like I could scream, and the song would swallow the sound up (that I could scream at any point in the song and it would fit).

And that is how I feel. Vast, empty, full of tension, restraint, terror, sprawling, and on and on...

We live as fast as we can

2011-06-10T22:09:00.002-04:00

Do you know who you are? Really, deep down? Because I sure as hell don't. I could write more...but I won't.

Do what you do and you say what you say
You can wear what you want
But we still look the same

Do you even know who you are?
Do you even know who you are?
Do you really know who you are?

A Modern Day Augustine

2011-06-05T19:49:00.002-04:00

It is interesting (funny, humourous, sad, overwhelming?) to think about people from the past who we now venerate and esteem. St. Augustine was once a man, not a literary, religious figure. He lived. He wrote down his experiences, and due to happenstance (God, fate, design), those experiences were preserved and now we hold him as an exemplar of Christianity. He shows us the path from darkness to light.

A modern day Augustine would have no idea of his importance. He would simply write and live his life as best he thought. He only becomes St. Augustine centuries later, when history reclaims his words and deems them worthy of remembering. Until then, he is just Augustine. If his words are deemed not noteworthy enough for the modern age and he is relegated to the forgotten depths of history...his life is no less important, just less remembered by a different age. Augustine still lived, he still loved, he still tried, he still had impact, even if future generations didn't deem him worthy to remember.

The voice that speaks these words
Gives them wings to fly
(Where they fly one will never know
Though one can hope)

How I was, How I am

2011-05-30T01:41:00.003-04:00

I've strayed away from this blog for awhile because I've been writing in my paper journal. But sometimes you need to write fast, and I can't do that with a pen-and-paper journal. My hand doesn't keep up with my thoughts. There is no 'Delete' button.

A friend of mine recently talked about alcohol/alcoholism so art of me wants to talk about that...but not really. It is a great subject...but not for tonight.

I'm getting older.

Statement. I'm almost 23. I'm out of college, in a "real job" internship, thinking about Law School (if I go to Law School, that is another 3 years worth of school...I'll be 27 basically when I'm done), marriage has been tossed around a bit. Fuck, I'm getting old.

And the thing is...I know I'm getting older because in years past, I would have just run away from these sorts of issues. I would've packed bags, headed out West and been done with the problems of trying to sort out my life.

But here I am...nearly 23, loving my "real job" internship, applying to Law School (soon), entertaining the thought of marriage, realizing that a lot of my friends from highschool have spouses and kids.

Perspective shifts when you get older. When it happens, I'll never know.
But (as I always do), let me quote a song. This song puts it better than any other I've ever heard.

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - "Howwhywyz Howwhyam"

Am i getting older?
Are things getting harder?
I used to never cry when I would think about my father.
The years went by so goddamn fast,
You know, I've left a lot behind.
My devil may care attitude, you know, I just can't seem to find.
Once upon a time I never minded very much.
I never let it knock me down or grind me out of touch.
Once I had an outlook different than it is.
Full of dreams and schemes, it seems they just do not exist.
Once I told myself he will not be missed.
I never thought I'd see the day I'd ever feel like this.

2011-04-27T20:41:00.002-04:00

I've never been a poet
Mostly I copy and paste the words of others as a substitute for how I feel
But when we are lying on your couch
Wrapped in you boot-wearing cat blanket
And every bit of you is covered
(excepted for your head)
And you're fast asleep
You can't see me smile

2011-03-30T13:46:00.002-04:00

I'm currently job hunting. And it sucks, but listening to Agalloch's newest album Marrow of the Spirit helps get me through.
I've always loved their lyrics. A lot of naturalistic imagery. The music itself evokes images of wild, primal nature - vast, untamed forests; windswept, snow covered mountains....

They escaped the weight of darkness
to forge a path into the marrow of the spirit
They chose to drown in a deeper vacancy
an emptiness that quells the null
a pool for the forgotten

They escaped the weight of darkness
to drown in another...

2011-03-26T20:58:00.001-04:00

Maybe no one knows what to do

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_U-N9m9Hm0

2011-03-23T02:08:00.001-04:00

I had so much to say...but suddenly all words escape me.

But this is how I feel

A Wilhelm Scream - "The Horse"

It's another day of fucking up a race horse.
Water mains will rinse off the mud.
Burn away the image, pull the blinders down.
And with hope a sound will mean the end.

2011-03-22T20:06:00.002-04:00

I wouldn't consider myself a "religious" person. I try to "keep an open mind" (whatever that means) when it comes to those sorts of things. But as of lately, I've realized that I am wasting my life away - and that "wasting" cannot be ascribed to my genetic disposition or inherent calling for something else. Still, I hesitate to call this "wasting" as a 'wasting' of my "God given talents"...that feels like a cop out to me.

Rather, there is something else here. It's not a waste of my naturally given talents. Nor is it me wasting my God given talents.

Are people destined for certain things? I believe that maybe they are. Are people gifted with certain talents? Yes, they probably are.

Growing up, I was always taught that you had a specific calling in life, a Calling From God. I was taught that This Calling was something from the Divine.
It wasn't something that had to do with the talents you had.

But what if, for one second, we all forgot about what other people thought "God's intention" was for us. (Because, let's be honest...a lot of how you define yourself, at least in a Christian environment, is via what other people think of you and think what you will be). What if we all of the sudden synthesized our own lives - like Eric Liddell. What if we are called somewhere, but first we have to say, "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast."

I once had a Religion prof. tell us a story - he was choosing between two jobs. A well paying and visible position as head pastor of a mega-church, or the two year teaching position to fill in for a different professor. (Theoretically, it shouldn't be that hard - stability and better money vs. two years of worse pay and then lets find a new job). But this man was in a quandary, and he turned to some friends who asked him, "Well, have you asked God for His plan?"

And do you know what my Prof. replied?

He said, "I have...and to be honest, it doesn't seem like it makes a big difference to Him. Both sides have their merits, both sides have their cons. God will be able to use me in either position, but I wanted your help to narrow it down."

The Protomen

2011-03-21T19:17:00.004-04:00

I've been listening to The Protomen all day. A rock-opera based on Megaman? Yes please. I never really played Megaman or watched the cartoon show, but I love the whole concept behind these albums - very human and moving, not cheesy at all.

A mix of 1984, betrayal, romance, action - all set to this awesome mix of Sergio Leone/80's synth-punk.

My goal in life is to bring this to the stage.

"The State vs. Thomas Light" - the main character, Thomas Light, has been framed for the murder of his girlfriend by his best friend and co-creator of the robots, Albert Wily, and is being sentenced .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72dNF9LEhDE&feature=related

"Light Up the Night" - Light and the hopeful youth, Joe, make plans to retake the city from Wily's control.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkLvpt9Z3fA

There are the embers of a fire that's gone out,
But I can still feel the heat on my skin.
This mess where in, well you and I,
maybe you and I can
Light up the night

2011-03-20T00:50:00.002-04:00

I doubt all the time. I doubt some of the most basic things in my life. But I am trying to put that behind me. To reclaim faith and trust. It is hard...but it is necessary.

Forget your fears,
and want no more.

At first light, lay proud foundations.
Sense the greatness, of that before you unfolds.
Seek no more, for hollow answers.
Answers that lay within you all along.

Farewell to dawns,
see through saddened eyes.
Farewell to pasts,
to sorrows chained.
Forget your fears,
and want no more.
You will be strong,
and want no more.
You'll be adored,
you will have everything.
You will be strong,
and want no more.
Forget your fears,
you will have everything.
And want no more...

VNV Nation - "Lastlight"

Anachronistic and impulsive.

2011-03-20T00:40:00.002-04:00

The other day, I had a lucid dream.
Lucid dreams are both amazing and terrifying. In my dream (in which I was...not awake, but at least aware), there were extraterrestrial entities after me who wanted to control me via my dreams. They took the form of my family. They attacked me, and I had to kill them. I was forced to kill my family in my dreams.

It was terrible.

There is no underlying morality or message here. Other than...sometimes dreams are terrible things. Terrible, scary, fascinating, wonderful, horrible places.

Your dream world is a very scary place to be trapped inside
-Anathema

Eire's Day

2011-03-18T01:25:00.002-04:00

A question - you pose a hypothetical/question. There is an underlying idea behind it. If you sharpen your hypothetical/question...does that underlying idea disappear/change?

One day I stood with my back to the wind
And the rain fell down
Raised my fist to the cobalt sky
And called to the Gods
...Where are you?

I stood in the stream with cold clear water
Rushing around me
Cold stone underfoot
And called again to the Gods
...Where are you?

I sat in the forest clearing
Surrounded by wood and leaf
A Raven watched my every move
I could feel my heartbeat Thundering
Deep within my veins

I set foot on foreign land
Held my brothers and sisters to me
And saw the same questions in them
Yet when I clasped their hands
I felt their Blood beneath mine
I had found my answer

Maybe love isn't

2011-03-16T00:29:00.002-04:00

something that you can write down. Maybe Love is one of those things that poets and novelists and songwriters will forever talk about but never grasp fully.

But perhaps it is my faults and sins that prevent me from knowing what Love Truly is. Maybe my apostasy, my half-faith prevents me from knowing Love.

Maybe Love is giving up all of your Self. Maybe Love is absence of Self, subservience to Another.

I stopped believing, You start to move
(She was like wine turned to water then turned back to wine)
I stopped my leaving and the better man bloomed
(And you can pour us out and we won't mind)

Maybe love is...

2011-03-16T00:01:00.002-04:00

I can tell you what Love isn't.

Love isn't physical. An aspect of it can be, but Love Itself is not physical. If anything, Love is the opposite of the Physical. It is the Emotional. It is the Spiritual. It is found most deeply in the moments when you hold each other and whisper things you find it hard to talk about. That's love.
And Love isn't thinking only about your own satisfaction. It keeps a constant eye on the other, and their emotions. And what they want.
In order to love, you need Two. And Both need to support each other. (I reject the notion of Love as "completing someone else"). You support, you nurture. You hold the other up when they are down, and be with them when they are up.

maybe that's what love is...

2011-03-12T01:23:00.003-05:00

I've got a tiny little secret,
Something so far-fetched,
That you may not have known about me.
I control the sun and all the elements
I'll dry out the ocean just to be
Able to walk right up to your front door
as you open it up I'll pull you close
My breath is lost, this isn't folklore,
but it's all we have my darling...

-Houston Calls- "I Fancy Abroad"

There is a certain lady in my life that I am in love with. And this verse from a favorite band of mine sums up my love for her.

And maybe that's what love is...
...the thought that if you were ever apart, you would part oceans just to be with someone.

I would.

I'm not terribly romantic, but if it ever came to this, I would part oceans and walk the distance to be with her.

I'm better now (not behind the eyes)

2011-03-08T21:43:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, you have so much to say, but no one to say it to. And sometimes, you feel you have a lot to say, but you aren't sure what exactly what it is you have to say. And you feel weighted down, and you just want to convey that fact to someone who will understand. And sometimes, you had someone like that in the past, and you wonder if they remember that, and if you would still be able to talk to them the same way. And you realize that this is a form of deep deep friendship, of love. Not physical romantic love, but something deeper. To be able to show your weaknesses to someone is a deep and powerful thing. Soul-mates, one might say. And that's love.
...But relationships change. And maybe life has separated you, and you've grown so much that it would be inappropriate to have that kind of relationship anymore. And deep down, you mourn that, but you can't let anyone know.
Because no one would understand.
Because they don't love you like this person did.

Go to your music-player and play your favorite sad song. Then go to Rainymood.com
I'm going between
Rilo Kiley's "The Good That Won't Come Out"
I think I'll go out and embarrass myself
By getting drunk and falling down in the street
You say I choose sadness
That it never once has chosen me
Maybe you're right

Kill Hannah's "Last Night Here"
if this is our last night here
on planet earth
then i'll give you my heart
cause it hurts too much
if this is our last night here
i won't change a thing
i'll just grab on to you
and i feel you breathe

and

Waking Ashland's "Hands on Deck" (still my favourite music video of all time)
Another day another worry
Breaks right through
And indecision bleeds me dry
She's turning pages I'm not making for her
She's painting pictures without me in mind

2011-03-08T01:18:00.002-05:00

it is strange how powerful music can be. i associate strong memories with certain songs. they take me back to very specific places, moments, people.
listening to the lostprophets album 'start something', and it is the summer before college. driving around appleton with my window down, delivering pizzas. the wind on my face, the long summer nights, the drama, the friendships.
listening to the killers always reminds me of driving around Tallahassee, her pristine truck, being young and in love.
listening to kill hannah's 'new heart for xmas' always reminds when i danced with a beautiful girl at their concert. she had stars drawn next to her eyes.
ljungblut's 'is there another way out', i'm driving back from the beach with friends. there is laughter, and smiles, and it is a beautiful moment. something right out of a movie.

So we made a wrong turn
back there
But let's just keep on
until there's nothing more to feel
We take our hands off the wheel
And let the love in

never be content

2011-03-04T00:22:00.003-05:00

The new EP by Innerpartysystem came out a few days ago. Titled "Never Be Content". An apt name. Something I am struggling towards. Though I suppose I am trying to be content, but not complacent.

http://soundcloud.com/ipsrmx/sets/never-be-content

The track "Out of Touch" is far and above the best track on the EP. Lyrically, it just hits me hard.

I'm out of touch with all my friends / every time I see them again
All the days I've been away / would it be different if I stayed?

You're losing me...
...again

Driving on the empty road / I forgot I fell in love back home
I start to wonder if I changed / I start to wonder even if you feel the same

I've kept in touch with friends from back home longer than most. But time and distance...every time I go home I feel more disconnected from them. Have I changed? Have they? Is losing connection with your past friends inevitable? Healthy? Part of growing up?

2011-02-20T00:57:00.003-05:00

Choose one word to describe yourself.

Now, ask you friends to give one word that describes you.

(they won't match up)

You'll generally see the worst in yourself

And your friends...they'll generally see the good (not even the best, just the good) in you.

And that staggers me.
Contradictory (steadfastly-loyal)
Insincere (caring)
Selfish (adaptable)

I don't think I could ever be as bad as I fear I am...but I strive to live up to what my friends expect of me.

I love Rosetta

2011-02-19T09:56:00.002-05:00

With your hands wide open
Release
(an energy)

Scatter - Scatter
energy

With your hands wide open

Renew the days we all thought
(lost)

Renew the days

Release
Revolve
Renew

2011-02-15T18:51:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, you are lying in bed wearing nothing but your boxers about to watch a movie with your ladyfriend...when one of your housemates walks into the room. And then one turns into two turns into three. And suddenly, you are hanging out with your friends whilst you huddle under the blankets, and life is good and absurd and fun.
And then you realize...life is really enhanced by series of odd, almost unexplainable events.

2011-02-13T23:47:00.002-05:00

I've finally moved out of the basement and into the upstairs. A smaller room. A room with a nice view of sunrise/sunset.

And I feel invigorated. I feel the urge to write. I feel the lethargy that has gripped me for several months diminishing (though this may coincide with the Spring like weather we had today).

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and it is my first Valentine's Day in....5 or 6 years that I will spend with someone. Our initial plans have fallen through, but whatever we end up doing, I'll be happy. Because sometimes, there are people that come into your life that you feel comfortable around. And you know they aren't perfect, and they know you aren't perfect, but for some reason, you still love each other. And all your fears and doubts become diminished when you are with them.

Maybe that is what it means to Love someone. When you Love someone, your Fear and Doubt fade, and they help you face a world of Uncertainty with Strength.

Memoir 1

2011-02-10T02:52:00.002-05:00

I've always been a quiet, shy, and introspective person. I've never had many friends. And those friends I do have, I hold dearly. That being said, I've always hated being alone for extended periods of time. Though quiet, I crave to be around others. Even being a silent observer is better than being alone.
Perhaps that is why my Junior year Spring Break was so hard. My plans had fallen through, so I would be spending a week plus alone at Sojourners'. Being only 20, I had my roommates buy my three handles of liquor - Vodka, Gin, and Tequila - before they left. The 3 Wise Men, I called them, in mockery of the faith I had once held so dearly.
Knowing that none of my friends would be in town for the week, I made ambitious plans to work on several big end of term projects and papers. I was convinced that I would find the will to go to Calvin each day and hunker down in the library for research and writing. If I did so, I wouldn't have to worry for the rest of the semester - it would be a cake-walk.
Alas, the 3 Wise Men stared me in the face, I could not tear myself away from their gaze. In those days, it took much less in order to get me tipsy or drunk. Nowadays, where it takes 9 to 10 drinks (roughly half a fifth or more), a scarce 3 or four shots would suffice. So, I drank.

At first it was just in the evenings, but soon I was drinking as soon as I woke up. I would then pass out in the early afternoon, only to awaken at night and would resume my drinking in short order. This went on for the better part of 9 days. Awake, eat, drink, pass out, arise, drink eat. pass out, repeat.
Five days in, things were not going so well. I had not been outside for longer than my shortened memory could recall. The only sunlight I saw was through the half pulled blinds. And I was growing increasingly paranoid. Paranoid to the point that I had tracked down my housemates' various knives and weapons and placed them strategically throughout my bedroom...just in case.

Towards the end of the week, I tried to break free of my self-imposed shackles, and I went out to get some fresh food. During my brief time outside, I ran across my friends who lived across the street. I suggested we use their grill for an outdoor Barbecue. I said that I would provide the burgers, this being at the point in my life when I had just developed some culinary talents and was convinced that my burgers were superior to anyone else's.

The cookout happened later on in the day, and I was in bad shape. Six or seven days of straight drinking had been hard on my system. Though it was an unusually warm Spring, I was shaking. Jaundiced and pale, I stood over the grill. I stood my ground firmly for an hour while the five or six of us at the cookout ate burgers and drank soda for an hour before the sick feeling welling up inside of me was too strong to ignore.
I excused myself as politely as I could before running back to my house. I threw up everything I had eaten in the past day. The burgers were still recognizable, though, thankfully, everything else was muddled and obscured. When I was done, I collapsed onto the bathroom floor and shook violently, partly from the strain of the vomiting, partly from the lack of sleep/exhaustion, but mostly from the fact that it had been nearly 24 hours since I had drank anything.

I collapsed into my bed and spent the next 48 hours there, only venturing forth for water and bread. I played movies on my laptop, but even the effort of watching them was too exhausting - I had to lie facing away from them with my eyes closed and simply listen to the sound. I was broken. My week long bender was at an end.

When my roommates and friends came back and asked me how my Spring Break had been, I lied. There was nothing else I could do. I invented stories of productive days spent working on papers/projects and reading books. Days spent under the warming Spring sun. Biking under blossoming trees.

Not wasting away, wasted in my basement.

2011-02-10T02:01:00.002-05:00

I am a fallen man.
I am a broken man.
I am a failed man.

Day after day, I sit holed up in my room, in the basement, like some kind of subhuman troglodyte, wracked with panic attacks, depression, fear, trepidation, hesitation, doubt, etc...

Slipping....

...Slipping further....

(If I loved this, then why does it make me sick?)

Drinking to escape the thought of failure. Pride holding me back from trying my hand at anything. Too afraid to move forward. Too petrified to look back.

Stuck in the middle. And sick from the mirror.

(From a smiling drunk to the embarrassing lush)

Hoping that someone else will dig me out of this pit of despair that I've dug for myself. Waiting for something, anything other than me, to get me out of this self-destructive cycle.

And now, I can I only pray that my honesty will goad myself into action. To move past my fear and on into life. To do something, anything.

(This is the time, if it were up to me now.
This is the time, we can rise from the ground.
This is the time, hold onto me now.)

I excel at the mediocre. Even my alcohol consumption/disease is middle of the road - too strong to fully commit to alcoholism, too weak to stop myself from drinking.

(Today is the day that I see myself for what I really am...)

So, I wobble on half broken crutches. Both wanting to give in fully to the anesthetization of drink and to struggle on for the sake of friends, family, and self.

No one ever said that Life sucked this much. That the choices you had to make were so hard. (a poor and pitiful and childish excuse). That you might have to choose between the people you love and the things you want to do. The uncertainty of it all.

(I'm washing it down. Watch me fall.)

And one day you wake and realize that you aren't who you thought you'd be. And you wonder "Was my childhood image of myself naive and unrealistic, and am I just a realist now? Or am I really a disappointment to myself?"

(With a graceful fall did you waste it all?)

And you love others more than you love yourself. And you pour yourself into them, telling yourself, "If I can love someone else enough, I'll be worthwhile."
And you pray you don't succumb to the weakness of your parents, that you don't just give into the daily grind of life. The day-in day-out existence.

(Do I hear you folding up to fear?)

And every day you die a little more inside. Die from your own apathy and inaction. Die from stagnation. Die from fear. Die from hesitation. Die from all the ropes that held you down - whether real or imagined. Died because you made nothing of yourself because you were too afraid to commit to a path. Frightened by the options in front of you, you chose a different path - the path of inaction. The path of burying your head in the fucking sand like a coward. And the spark of your life did not go out like a brilliant blaze...but a fucking smoldering ember sputtering in and out, in and out, in and out of life until finally it sputtered to death.

(We can't say no.
Not anymore.)

this is how i feel

2011-02-08T20:52:00.000-05:00

I keep on searching in the city streets,
I'm wide awake and I'm unafraid,
All these ships upon the violent waves,
I can't sleep until you're next to me,
I keep on searching in the city streets,
I'm wide awake and I'm unafraid,
All these ships upon the violent waves,
I can't sleep until you're next to me,
I can't sleep until you're next to me,
I won't sleep until you're next to me,
I won't sleep until you're next to me,
I won't sleep until you're here with me,
I won't sleep until you're next to me,
I won't sleep until you're next to me,
I won't sleep until you're here with me

2011-01-28T18:09:00.002-05:00

The internet has been spotty around here as of late. But here I am, posting once again.

It is funny how much of a difference just a few days can make in your life. Over the course of 3 days, I drove to and from Maryland, the Packers secured their spot in the Super Bowl, I freak out and eventually realized I had no reason to worry.

I've often thought about writing a book that incorporates a lot of my life experiences. A faux-memoir, as it were. Not a real one, not a biography - I feel that would be far to aggrandizing and self-congratulatory. But I've had a lot of experiences/moments in my life that would translate well into story format - run ins with drug dealers, falling in love with an unknown beauty at a concert, late night walks in surreal snowfalls...all of it.

But I have a hard time putting pen to page.
Part of it is my fear of failure. Part is laziness. Part is something else. I'm not sure what to call it at this point.

2011-01-26T03:01:00.002-05:00

There are two scenes in the Harry Potter Books that make me cry. The first is in the movie version of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, when Harry is possessed by Voldemort in the Ministry of Magic.

Dumbledore - "It isn't how you are alike...it is how you are not"
Harry - "You're the weak one...and you'll never know love or friendship...and I feel sorry for you."

The second is the Resurrection Stone scene.

GAAAAAAHHHH

2011-01-18T01:13:00.002-05:00

I'm completely, totally, insanely, devotedly in love with a certain Emmabear.

I've always been a man who was a slave to his lusts and passions...and to be honest, those aren't gone now. However, all they require is for me to think for 0.30seconds and I'll reach the conclusion, "Why yes, I am more satisfied with who I have, and she completes me on an entire spectrum, not just on some physical level."

The minute your hand
reached out for mine,
bursting out of time.
Brought life through love,

Today

2011-01-18T00:40:00.002-05:00

Today (well, technically yesterday), I told the most perfect and beautiful girl that I was going to eventually ask her to marry me. It's not the same as an actual proposal, but I told her that for a number of reasons. 1.) I've know it for about 6 months. 2.) If I didn't tell her...I'd've gone crazy.

But seriously. It is a powerful and overwhelming thing to know the person you love so much that one day you will ask them to marry you. And one day I'll ask her. And one day, I pray she'll find me worthy.

(2010 mixtape song)
5. A Wilhelm Scream - "In Vino Veritas II"

2010 Retrospective Mix Tape

2011-01-11T15:24:00.002-05:00

2010 was overall a good year for me. I graduated college, snagged an amazing girlfriend, friends got engaged/married, etc... Still, there were some parts that were pretty shitty. I want to remember both aspects. I want to embrace all of life.

Looking at my Last.fm account...13 of my top 15 songs played throughout the year of 2010 were from A Wilhelm Scream. The other two were from Third Eye Blind. Here is a retrospective mixtape of my past year that includes more than just those two bands.

1. Rosetta - "Release"
(the problem with now is no matter how much we, it doesn't last forever)
2. A Wilhelm Scream - "The Horse"
(They followed a course towards hell, How we gonna save ourselves?)
3. Third Eye Blind - "Bonfire"
(Oh we could live like kings  If we take a risk , Or we could live in doubt )
4. Khoma - "In it for Fighting"
(All of those dreams that could have been...pumping, leaving my heart)

[A work in progress]

2010-12-29T23:12:00.003-05:00

Christmas is the holiday that I am always excited about...but every year I remember that I hate it. I hate going back to WI because every year I feel more disconnected and alien there. I hate getting presents, I hate feeling obligated to buy presents for people, I hate that I am so aloof around my family, I hate that I am being petty and selfish, I hate that I know I am being petty and selfish but not doing anything about it. I hate a lot of things about the holidays.

I hate (hate is a strong word - 'frustrated' is better) a lot of things. But what I don't hate are the nice engraved portraits of John Donne and William Shakespeare on my wall and my new leather bound journal with the sleek design on it.

My New Year's Resolution -
Write in the Journal every single day. None of that bullshit "I missed a couple days, so I'll make up for it." No. Honest to goodness write something in that journal 7 days a week, 52 weeks out of the year, 365 days total.
It can be anything - a summary of my day, the beginning of a story, a grocery list, the end of a story, a love note, a poem, a sketch.

Write.Write.Write.

My mantra for this coming year: Bear into the page with the weight of a thousand restless words.

I will give voice to everything. My hopes, my dreams, my fears, my frustrations, my theology, my philosophy, my romance, my faults, my failures, my successes...

2010-12-19T14:58:00.001-05:00

I feel empty and drained. Frustrated at myself for being angry and petulant about things that I have no right to be angry and petulant about. But mostly I feel nothing right now.

Keep on polishing you'll hit the bone
All of you erased, empty and cold

A long, stream of consciousness

2010-12-12T02:20:00.003-05:00

Winter is fast becoming my favorite season. The dark, the biting wind, the cold, the snow, the silence, the stillness, the mystery, the vastness, the grandeur.

I had a long and lovely day. But now, I am huddled in my room, blanket wrapped tightly around me, an ice-cold beer in hand, protected from the vicious weather, but able to admire its beauty.

(Traces in snow)
I always pair winter with liberal doses of Cult of Luna. Specifically, "Somewhere Along the Highway". Nothing speaks to me of vast stretches of frozen roadway at night like this album. The songs drag on just like the long cold night. Bleak as the frozen wind whipping through the trees. Moments of infinite stillness and peace broken by stark violence and fury.

(One moment can change everything)
I've never felt more in love than I did today. I spent my morning taking my LSAT. 5 grueling, dragging hours. An arduous task that left me drained, empty. Physically, mentally, emotionally. After such a taxing effort, there is nothing more beautiful in the world than climbing into bed with the person you love and just holding them tight. Something about both being exhausted and drained leads to a raw openness of emotion. The smallest of things brings about a smile or the desire to cry. The touching of cheeks, the tightening of her hand on yours, and gentle murmur of contentment made while half asleep. Every moment is sacred and cherished. The base and lustful impulses are gone, leaving nothing but the pure essence of one person's love for another. It is overwhelming. It is beauty.

(The landscape has changed. You don't recognize me)
Some friends of mine were up this weekend from Wisconsin. I always have to laugh at just how different some of us have become and yet how we are all the same. Still, I always wonder if I would recognize myself if I went and visited the 16year old version of myself. Am I who I wanted to be at that age? Have I done well by myself?

(Caught in a vortex between false perceptions and reality)
A friend of mine recently lost a lot of weight. She slimmed down enormously, and she just posted a note on Facebook that finally answered the question many people had been wondering - how she did it. I won't lie, I wondered, but I never asked. The answer, however, did not surprise. Through hard work. She shed over 100 pounds simply by having the will to want it and to change her eating and exercise habits to obtain it. She looks great, but to be honest, a part of me misses her old size. She was always there with a huge and a smile whenever I needed it. I don't think she realized just how much that meant to me, having someone like her envelope me in her hug. It was comforting. But her insides haven't changed, and maybe what I attribute to her physically big size is simply me thinking about how big her heart is.

Fall into sleep.
Rest your eyes.
Live amongst the shadows.
Walk through the light.
At last you're on your own.

2010-12-06T23:56:00.002-05:00

I suffer from anxiety attacks. They are usually unprovoked, but sometimes I can induce them on my own by dwelling on an upcoming stressful situation.

I am taking my LSAT in less than a week now...and I began freaking out tonight. But two things calmed me down.
#1, my girlfriend texted me from her work 6 reasons why everything will be okay. That helped alot.
#2, there is a JRR Tolkien quote that I love. It goes, "Despair is for people who know, beyond any doubt, what the future is going to bring. Nobody is in that position. So despair is not only a kind of sin, theologically, but also a simple mistake, because nobody actually knows. In that sense there always is hope."

Despair is a sin...but more than that, it is a mistake, the most simple of mistakes!!! There is always hope. To give up before you've begun is sin and a mistake.

I won't do that.

I may very well do piss poorly on my LSAT, but I will give it my all. And if I fail, I'll simply try again.

WAIT!!

2010-12-01T22:13:00.001-05:00

Found a sadder video...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Hl_NBTMELo

God this song/video makes me cry

Remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight
You never know what temporal days may bring
So laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the Lord

2010-12-01T21:30:00.001-05:00

Still one of my favorite music videos of all time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYWOtugk204

Such a beautiful song...it always takes me back to high school and early college.

Winter Essentials

2010-12-01T14:00:00.001-05:00

A work in progress.

Songs that I need in Winter Time
Kill Hannah - "New Heart for Xmas"
The Sisters of Mercy - "Driven Like the Snow"
Seabound - "Avalost"

Albums that I need in Winter Time
Rapture - "Songs for the Withering"
Soilwork - "Figure Number Five"

2010-11-28T21:37:00.002-05:00

I am in a state that I am rarely in - blank.
I am worried about nothing, I am happy about nothing. I am not content, I am not sad.
All I am is sitting in my chair listening to music that is keeping me in this mood (though by writing, I am slowly beginning to feel again). I love the feeling of being totally blank every now and again (mind you, not too often). Usually, my mind is a mile a minute, and I am overwhelmed with emotions and passions.
But now, all is quite quiet.

Today has been perfect. I drove 5 hours and 40 minutes across three states, and arrived back in time to spend 2 hours with my girlfriend before she works this evening. There is nothing more beautiful or perfect or calming than snuggling up on a couch under a bunch of blankets with the person you love and just talking to them.
I read a book while sipping at a whiskey coke. It was a graphic novel, and the reason I love graphic novels so much is because I can read them in 1 sitting with no problem.
Now, I've listened to both The xx and Jesu...and it is perfect.

I've always loved Jesu, and in terms of verses I find captivating and beautiful and meaningful, the first verse of the song "Wolves" would be in my top 5 for sure.

Who are they
Are they a threat to our beliefs
So we descend upon them
Just like vengeful wolves

In four lines, Justin Broadrick has summed up a significant portion of the human psyche. We see people who are different than us, and we almost always implicitly ask ourselves, "Is this person a threat?" Wars are fought over the most trivial of differences and self-made divisions. Sexual orientation, skin colour, religion, tribe, political affiliation. We descend upon one another like vengeful wolves.

I'm not someone who believes in some vague feel-good spirituality or the notion that "all we need is love, man" or that all religions can get be reconciled into one. But thinking about the slaughter and harm we have done to each other over the most trivial differences (or even serious differences!)...it makes me sad. It is pointless. To kill or even injure someone because they are different than you in some regard is base and vile.

As a Christian, I was always taught that sex and/or homosexuality was the worst sin. No. Worse than that is to injure those who aren't exactly like you. Again and again, Jesus went out of his way to help or tell stories about people helping those weren't like themselves. If there is one thing I ever hope to really excel at, it is that message of Jesus - love those who aren't like you, and who the world tells you that you shouldn't love.

2010-11-23T00:18:00.002-05:00

Ever thought from here on in your life begins and all you knew you was wrong?

If we all should die tonight, we should have no regrets.

That is my fear. That I will wake up, and realize that all the things I wanted in life are all the things I should have chased in life. That I should have thrown aside those things that held me back. That I was too afraid to chase every thought/dream I had. That I gave in. That I gave in to conformity and that my life is waiting to start.

But at the same time.

I know that I love. As deeply and as completely as anyone who has loved before me. And that is all I really need.

Did you imagine the final sound as a gun?
Or the smashing windscreen of a car?
Did you ever imagine the last thing you'd hear as you're fading out was a song?

What if?

2010-11-17T23:34:00.001-05:00

What if you think you should have taken another path in life? What if you still love someone else? What if you want to be with someone forever? What if you just want to hold them for one last time?

What if
What if>

2010-11-14T21:50:00.002-05:00

How do you make God laugh?
You make a plan.

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news
Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their head
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die

For various reasons, this song always makes me cry. Especially at that last verse.

Sappy sentimental

2010-11-14T18:54:00.004-05:00

I never really warmed to indie music until I was introduced to Stars, and I still only really enjoy their "In Our Bedroom After the War" album. Especially the song "My Favourite Book". I always listen to it when I get a bit sappy sentimental. And I've been sappy sentimental all weekend.

I went to a wedding this weekend, and it was one of the most beautiful weddings I've ever attended. The flower girl was adorable, walking.standingstill.throwingoneflower.repeat. My ladyfriend look radiant as a bridesmaid. But the part that really touched me was when after the vows between the bride and groom, the bride gave vows to the groom's 2 children. It was beautiful.
Of course, the rest of the wedding/reception was amazing (partybus, food, openbar, dancing, etc...) but the thing I really remember was the bride telling those children that she loved them and would treat them as her own.

And it made me sappy sentimental.

And so I listen to Stars.

"My Favourite Book"

And I always smile because my girlfriend has the shiftiest eyes of all time.

All the things you say
The way you shift your eyes
I never knew there was someone to make me come alive

Late Autumn mixtape

2010-11-09T23:23:00.003-05:00

I always seem to get fixated on certain bandsalbumssongs during certain seasons/months. So, I thought I would just post 2 tracks by the four bands I have really been loving as of this unseasonably warm and beautiful late Autumn.

Not all of these songs will be to your taste, but at least check out the Anathema tracks...they are the kind of songs virtually everybody can enjoy.

Anathema - "Are You There (acoustic)"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuy8Ilqi9LU
Just a lovely song all around. A beautiful kind of sadness and melancholy felt after losing love.

Anathema - "Dreaming Light"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mY5cTG0wKYE
Another song about love...but this time it is about that pure feeling about being absolutely in love with someone. The kind of song you would imagine would play when a newly married couple walked down the aisle together or danced together for the first time

Rosetta - "Release"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIH4U7poyww
Summed up in the lyrics - the problem with Now is that no matter how much we want it to...it doesn't last forever

Rosetta - "Revolve"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ftw-33MMJgQ
A song that just builds, resonates with hope, about rebuilding, about reclaiming.

Katatonia - "Onward into Battle"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfrijAWtBSc
I love this entire album, and Katatonia do depressive rock so well...but this song is par excellence even by their standards. It is about struggling on, even though everything is going so wrong

Katatonia - "Departer"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g02DNyBLJo4
One of the saddest songs they have ever done. The line - brother, in your eyes, I was the stronger.... The familial aspect of Katatonia's lyrics always hit me hard.

Khoma - "Like Coming Home"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nrVCOCQ-FU
Metal love songs usually tend to come off awkwardly...but Khoma nails. A perfect mix of determined desperation. Breathing of you is keeping me calm...this ravaged world can't keep us apart

Khoma - "In it for Fighting"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBZ8aQVVzO8
The numbness you feel after you've fought for so long, the slow creeping doubt that maybe your cause is lost. You struggle on...losing more of yourself in the process

Zombies

2010-11-07T19:18:00.002-05:00

I watched the first episode of the new AMC series "The Walking Dead" last night...and I have a couple thoughts

1.) Andrew Lincoln nailed not only the Southern accent (he is from England), but also the "cop swagger"
2.) Good use of him being shot/in the hospital during the zombie apocalypse - movies(tv shows) do this so that they don't have to waste a shit load of time explain/showing the zombie takeover.
3.) The nice use of realism with guns was heartening. Firing a Colt Python inside a tank would really lead to temporary deafness/disorientation.
4.) I like my girlfriend even more because she (at least theoretically) knows how to survive a Zombpocalypse. She voiced all three of these points during the course of the episode, all three of which are key to surviving.
a.) only 1 picture of your family/loved one/past.
b.) be willing to kill those closest to you that have turned
c.) MELEE WEAPONS!!! Don't waste ammo on targets that can be killed with a melee weapon)
~addendum - my biggest concern is that she has a fear of zombies (even slow ones), which I feel could incapacitate her in the event of a real outbreak.
5.) You never, never, NEVER go into a major population center. Even if the radio has said (in the past, I might add, before the radio went blank) that it is a "safe zone". You stick to back roads, rural communities, off the beaten track.
6.) Transport goes like this
a.) Cars/trucks - 'C', they can accommodate a lot of supplies and are sealed. Downside, they are also loud, require fuel, and cannot navigate blocked roads
b.) Horses - 'B', they can accommodate a rider but force a rider to travel light (a good thing), food source (ie - grass, etc...) is readily available, maneuverable. Downside, you better know how to ride one/have a saddle, can panic, can be loud
c.) Bicycle/any kind of "cycle" - 'A', they are faster than zombies, maneuverable through rubble, silent, easily repairable, readily available for replacement, require no food/fuel. Downside, can move only as fast as you can, not an enclosed space, lack of storage space (unless you find a four-wheeled bike)

a subject close to me

2010-11-06T21:11:00.002-04:00

I'm reading right now about Nazi eugenics. Now, let me state that I categorically do not endorse anything the Nazis did...but I find this endlessly fascinating. As a social/historical study, Nazi Germany is never ending.

Consider this quote...
"Of the five identifiable steps by which the Nazis carried out the principle of "life unworthy of life," coercive sterilization was the first. There followed the killing of “impaired” children in hospitals; and then the killing of “impaired” adults, mostly collected from mental hospitals, in centers especially equipped with carbon monoxide gas. This project was extended (in the same killing centers) to “impaired” inmates of concentration and extermination camps and, finally, to mass killings in the extermination camps themselves."

What kind of sick logic leads a group of people down this path? Five stages, each worse than the last. Yes, Hilter was a monster, but he needed people loyal to him to succeed. A significant number of people had to believe in this (if not in this, then Hitler's policies) in order for them to be implemented.

Take Action T4 (look it up)...the Nazis killed "deformed" children and then adults. A small group of people arbitrarily decided who was worthy and who was not.

I could write more...but I am just to stunned by all of this. All I can say is a repetition of what Holocaust survivors said - "NEVER AGAIN"

2010-11-05T00:29:00.000-04:00

Being in love is pretty much the greatest thing ever. But there are some downsides...

1.) You always want to be that dickbag updating his Facebook status with "OMG, I lOvE my giRLfrIeNd sOOooo MuCh.
2.) All you ever want to talk to your friends about is how awesome your girlfriend is
3.) The only music you feel you should listen to is positive/upbeat music about it.
4.) You feel bad when you realize 75% of your music is about death/sadness/andor Breakups
5.)If you don't see your GF for more than a day, you revert to the troll you once were
6.)If you don't see your GF for more than a day, your texts get progressively more and more monkey like, going from relatively coherent to "I waneed you riht now!"

Still, this poor sap is in love, so here are some lyrics...thanks to Khoma - "Like Coming Home"

Breathing of you is keeping me calm,
Your eyes so smoothing.
This ravaged world can't keep us apart...

In it for fighting...

2010-11-04T21:55:00.002-04:00

I'm going to link a music video, but unlike a lot of videos that I link, I think this is a band that most people would enjoy. Scandinavian indie rock/metal. Khoma - "In It For Fighting"...
...something about this band has really gripped me in the past few weeks. They are so emotional. So visceral.

All these dreams that could have been
Pumping, leaving my heart...

2010-11-03T00:57:00.000-04:00

If nothing else I am myself
That's all I have to give

2010-11-01T22:55:00.002-04:00

I once saw Third Eye Blind play live...and it was amazing...but that isn't the point. The point is how they ended..
...they ended by playing Dao of St. Paul but instead of playing the whole song, they stopped midway through and all walked forward, and we all sang the refrain together.

It was nothing short of magical. The band stepping forward, singing "Evermore....rejoice!" with the crowd.

And I loved it. It was powerful, it was moving, it was communal. But the song itself is about being empty and alone. And the the song itself is about pan and heartbreak.
And it is visceral and it is sad...
...and hopefully I will never experience it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_U-N9m9Hm0

2010-10-31T02:26:00.002-04:00

Two things...

One, I love my family very much. Especially my brothers. Growing up, I was always closer to my sisters because they were closer to me in age...but as I got old, my brothers became more and more important to me. And now...they are what I emulate, to a certain degree. I am the youngest out of us three...so I always look up to them. They both affect/shape me in different ways.
But now, I wonder if maybe I maybe not the wisest? I have both their knowledge...what if I have assimilated it more fully and understood their lessons better than they have?

Brother
In your eyes I was the stronger
So how am I to cover you now
Without shadowing your path

Two, I love you. As simple and complicated as that statement is. It means that I want what is best for you, that I will strive to help you flourish, that I will celebrate when you do, and hold you when you cry. It means being a friend - the kind of friend you always wanted - the kind of friend you always wanted - the kind of friend you wanted to rely on.

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love." - Sophocles

Katatonia

2010-10-31T02:12:00.002-04:00

I find this line infinitely beautiful and meaningful

How cold is the flame
Of our uncompromising future

It is off Katatonia's "Night is the New Day" album, the song 'The Longest Year'.

My brother doesn't really like this album, and when he asked me why I like this album so much, I pointed to this song, to this line.

To me, these lines speak about stagnation...the fear about the fire of life turning cold in the face of a future that is uncompromisingly bleak.

How cold is the flame of the world that does not seek to better itself?
How cold is the flame of the person who gives in to what is expected of him?
How cold is the flame of those who turn away the people they love in order to feed their addictions?
How cold is the flame...

And I would freeze if you ever asked me

Since I am 98% positive that you don't read this (aka - in case of death, break the glass)

2010-10-28T23:42:00.003-04:00

I am far too much like my favourite poet - John Donne. He obsessed over Death. He had his funeral portrait taken 3 (I believe) years before his death in 1631. But much as he thought about, wrote about, obsessed about death...he did not fear it - as found in his "Holy Sonnet X" - the famous "Death, be not proud..." sonnet.
But, still, I worry about death, a lot. I've known several friend/acquaintances/etc... who have been killed expectantly. A drunken driver, cancer, head trauma...

...this post is just in case something happens.

You chose

Over the Rhine - "I Want You to Be My Love"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjdoxXPtYgY
I want you to be my love
'Neath the moon and the stars above

I chose
Anathema - "Dreaming Light"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mY5cTG0wKYE

Suddenly, I don't have to be afraid
Suddenly, it all falls into place

And you shine inside
And love stills my mind like the sunrise
Dreaming light of the sunrise
Dreaming light..

2010-10-26T23:30:00.001-04:00

Still one of my favorite music videos/songs of the decade. It always takes me back to Bosnia. 'Safe Are Gorazde', my time spent in Sarajevo...the stories I've heard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDbXqP7z-Uc

And I pray for peace...

"There's no music on my radio..."

(i don't want to go out, I want to stay in)

2010-10-26T17:17:00.003-04:00

I've been in a real slump as of recently.
But I realized something...it is up to me to get out of this depressive slump of mine. It is imperative that I do. Otherwise I'm going to miss out on a lot in life.

I've decided to go to Law school...and that is going to be a lot of work. I mean, even the application process is daunting. But no one is going to apply for me, so I need to man up and get to work, regardless of how listless and lethargic I feel. It kind of sucks being an adult sometimes...let's be honest.

And one thing that does put me in a good mood is The Ting Tings' new song "Hands"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ms1C5WeSocY

So much electro/synth/dance goodness.

Also, next time I live in a house, I am going to live in a house not based solely on whether or not the rent is cheap, but on whether or not I can see myself thriving artistically in that house. I put a lot of value in my surroundings, and the current house I am living in just has no soul. I feel uninspired. I hate the aesthetics of my room, of the whole house.
Of course, I can't blame my entire artistic slump on my environment. Part of art is just showing up, and I haven't been doing that.

(I wish it wasn't so)

2010-10-20T23:27:00.003-04:00

I always come back to music. Always.
Recently, I've been into the band Khoma they are the perfect outlet during this Autumn period. During this time of discontent. Not screaming, but a voice pleading out. Music that longs for an answer. Plaintive, questioning...

I am in a world full of racism, a world full of sexism, a world full of murder.
A world full of hate, lust, disease, uncaring, apathy, failure, indifference, sex, lust, gluttony, greed, and on and on...

A world that is empty.

A world full of nothing that I want.

So I turn to Khoma for words...

"So I scream for air...in a world that is choking (I wish it wasn't so)"

And that is how I feel a lot of the time. Nothing ever changes. Politicians are all the same. The represent the same thing. They change nothing, while people die. And starve. Amd rot away due to disease. People die and politicians try to bring about "Change" that looks just like the status quo. And the poor die. And the innocent die. And the disenfranchised die. And the voiceless die.
They die.
Not metaphorically. Not figuratively.
They die in the very cold, physical sense of the word.

They will die and leave childrensistersbrothersspousesparents behind in their wake. And those individuals will never be entirely whole due to that loss.

And, if I ever had a major platform from which to spread this message, I would say this

I've waited to come here, to see what you look like. You look just like me...(please don't panic, don't hit the alarm)

technicality

2010-10-18T23:10:00.002-04:00

I love the song "Mouth to Mouth can think of when I listen to it on their album "Wake Up the Sleepers" is just how much better it is live!!
Because on the album, there is the female guest vocalist Chibi from The Birthday Massacre (another band I enjoy) who sings the line "Will you save my life in time", and she goes up...but live, Matt Devine slows the line down and goes lower (vocally). AND IT WORKS SO MUCH BETTER!!!!! And that is all I can ever think of.
And it drives me crazy!!!
And I almost can't listen to the song.

2010-10-18T13:41:00.000-04:00

on the way back from the mountains,
stopped by the cemetery, drank to our youth
thought of our ages and stopped it
we blame our diets on changes in mood

It's Funny

2010-10-13T23:23:00.002-04:00

It's funny how different music can remind you of different people/moments in time

For instance...

Fear Factory of Criss Angel - I'm leaving my best friends house in winter time when I am 12 years old
Soilwork - I'm in highschool and I'm driving back with my brother from a highschool Xbox LAN.
Hawthorne Heights - I'm a Senior in Highschool with my friends...
MxPx - I'm driving with my best friend of the time listening to "Slowly..."
Lights - I am with you at that time
Kat Perry - I always think of my favourite girl of all time
B!F - I'm back in Hungary...
Rosetta - I'm back in Hungary on the last night taking a walk from the XmasMarkt to the dorm
And on
and on
and on
......

digital photography

2010-09-30T23:48:00.002-04:00

Thank god for photographs. A moment captured in time. Sometimes, all you need is a glimpse and the memories flood back, unconstrained, uncontrolled.
Man night, good people good music good food good fun.
Croatia, bike riding on the perfect day.
Polandslovakia, vibrant autumn beauty rain wet cold weather is a fickle friend.

Or, I often think about my last night in Hungary. I went out to the Kristmasmarkt and had a couple of hot, mulled wines. Then, I walked from the Markt back to our rooms, alone. An hour or two at least. Coat unbuttoned, wine in hand, lingering on bridges to watch the water at night, the lights of the city, to breathe it in. Rosetta's album "Wake/Lift" blasting in my ear, perfect companion for so vast a night, so vague of feelings. The winter air crisp and cleansing. Release, revolve, Renew.

My how the time flies.

2010-09-29T22:54:00.000-04:00

When I looked down like if to pray,
Well, I was looking down her dress... good God!

(ah, but I don't need this!
I don't need this!)

2010-09-24T19:40:00.001-04:00

I found light that lead me to the shrine where children sang and pilgrims mourned.
I was lost but not alone.

I am the luckiest

2010-09-17T23:49:00.002-04:00

I have the best of all possible ladyfriends.
She not only prints off my resume/cover-letter, but proofreads them and finds some glaring mistakes I made and corrects them for me. And, she drops them off at my house on the way to her work.
I could talk forever about how awesome she is, but I don't think I will. Because whenever I do, I grin like an idiot and get happy like a kid on christmas (And that is why we'll always make it)

Good news everyone!

2010-09-17T23:29:00.002-04:00

Twitter stalking has lead me to believe that Matthew Leone, the bass player of Madina Lake, is now healthy/out of the hospital.
For those of you unaware with what this means, it is great news. Back in July (I believe), Leone stepped in to stop a man who was beating his wife. He tried to diffuse the situation and make sure everyone was calmed down, but when he was checking on the woman, the man came up behind him and attack him, splitting open his skull and putting him in the ICU.
Being from a band, Leone did not have insurance and so had to pay his medical expenses out of pocket. Thankfully, fans, bands Madina Lake had previously toured with, and other people touched by the story poured in their money to help him.
And that generosity has apparently paid off.

There is good in the world.

2010-09-13T02:13:00.001-04:00

I've always been a terrible son, I've always doubted, I've always retained too much of "me".

The Son of the widow
You raised from the dead...
Where did His soul go
When He died again?

About...

2010-09-13T01:31:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, I get frustrated with where I am in my life. And at times I felt like this.

Well, I'll go to college and I'll learn some big words
And I'll talk real loud, goddamn right I'll be heard
You'll remember the guy who said all those big words
He must have learned in college

But at a certain point, you wake up, and it isn't about the big words you learned while you got your fancy degree at a Liberal Arts college. It's about how you feel when your ladyfriend falls asleep on the couch while she holds onto you, and you smile because she is still so damn cute even though she is totally sick and still in her work clothes. And you hold her close and think, "I am not my job. I am not how much money I make. I am not societal status.
I am how I treat others. I am how kind I am. I am how much I love."

And I love and care rather deeply. About certain housemates. About certain orphans. About certain people who are abroad. About certain people who are in this country. About certain people who spend time with me in a hammock. About certain people in certain times in certain place. About...

...And if a year from now, everyone has moved on to new places, new friends, new moments, I will always look back and say, "At that moment, at that time, I loved those people as much as I could, and if we never talk to each other again, at that moment, we were connected beyond measure through our love and caring for one another.

2010-09-01T00:36:00.002-04:00

How cold is the flame of our uncompromising future?

I went to a bar that was located on the 27th floor of the Amway Grand tonight. The view was great. The drinks were great. The friends were great.
Two of their house drinks, then a gintonicabsinthe.

Then I got home, but slippy fingers broke a bottle of (cheapcheap) vodka. Damn them.

I have found out two things today.
1. I kissed my beautiful ladyfriend several months before I remember kissing her.
2. I have a cut on my knuckle that I cannot account for.

I wonder...

2010-08-31T20:27:00.002-04:00

...if my girlfriend will still date me once she discovers that I un-ironically think that Nightranger is a great band
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z92bmlcmyq0&ob=av2e

Or that I have a love of late 70's post-punk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnVC0Mhv_k0

2010-08-31T15:26:00.002-04:00

I am now semi-gainfully employed by West Michigan Janitorial Services.
I am angling to work as a cashier at the Euro Bakery.
I am applying to be a writer for examiner.com
I will apply to write for Demand Media Studios.
I will break out of this rut.

And I've been so busy trying
that I've only wound up living
weekend to weekend
getting by just simply "trying"
And I should be out looking for a job
but only wind up heading for a stiff drink
left with nothing else so I think
"it's time to stumble home"

2010-08-31T09:26:00.002-04:00

I want to get a part time job doing some kind of writing.
But I am hesitant to actually go out and apply.
I hate rejection.
I would hate to find out that I am not actually that great of a writer.
So rather than try and fail, I do nothing (another type of failure).

We'd rather leave no trace and not look back
Than face the anxiety here and now

Let me take a minute here...

2010-08-25T23:33:00.002-04:00

...to depart from my normal introspective, angsty, whiny posts in order to bring you all a newsflash.

I saw Porcupine Tree tonight at the Orbit Room.

And.
they.
were.
fucking.
brilliant.

Setlist:
2 songs from 'The Incident'
Open Car
Russia on Ice
Anesthetize (2nd part)
Trains
Blackest Eyes
Start of Something Beautiful
Way Out of Here
Sleep Together

Due yourself a favor, listen to the song "Trains". And prepare to have your mind blown.

Steven Wilson is a genius!

2010-08-25T03:03:00.002-04:00

It is amazing what you can say with the simplest of gestures. Sometimes, you want to say that "You are the most amazing person I know, and I want to be near you forever", and a simple hug in bed is all you need. Sometimes you need to say, "You are the best friend a guy could ask for, and I always have you back - no matter what", and a hug and a clap on the back says that. Or even, "I've missed you all summed and I wish you had been here sooner", a gentle tap on the ass says that.

I have many friends.
And those friends respond in different ways.
And sometimes it is a slap on the ass.
Sometimes, it is a kiss on the nose.

I love them all. Each in their own way. Each as who they are. Faults, flaws, failures.

2010-08-22T19:35:00.000-04:00

"The problem with now is that no matter how much we want it to, it doesn't last forever."

2 years ago

2010-08-20T01:17:00.001-04:00

2 years ago I went to Hungary.
You know what I got from that time?

A lot of blurry pictures and vivid memories.

Swing life away

2010-08-19T23:59:00.003-04:00

A Thursday spent listlessly. Computer games, reading, computer games, reading, food, annoy roommate, repeat. And on and on and on. Another day wasted.
Until that selfsame roommate bursts into the room - "So, you busy tonight? Good - how do you feel about biking down to the Derby for some drinks...that's as far as I've gotten with the plan."
Of course, I'm in.

8:30 rolls around. Shirts, shoes, IDs - check.
5-10 minute bike down to the local dive.

"Two Leinenkugel Octoberfests. Tall."
"Here's to living the dream."

MMA on the big screen. Chunky dude with the polish last name vs. the cut 'merican looking guy.
"You been to Poland, what are the people like?"
"Every woman is beautiful, every man is a kind of nerdy and fugly."
A Maker's and a (tall) Sam Adam's Boston Lager.

Talk shit about our other housemate. The one that just can't get it together and man up. Who spends the rent on throwing knives in order to be "tactically sound"? And sure, I drink, but you don't see me slamming 40$ bottles of Belvedere. 10$ Sobieski for me - in addition to fine women Poland produces fine vodka.

Get a text. From the guy right next to me. That sly motherfucker.
"Fucking S______"
"I hear that. What's the frequency?"
"Fucking S_____"

Last call for us. Shot of Old Granddad. Better than the Maker's, which is too thin on the front end, but not nearly as good as its relative the 114. Old Granddad 114 will always be my sipping whiskey. Regardless, it is still good whiskey.
An argument between the bartendress and the kids next to us catches our ears.
"If you throw up, you do it outside, not in here, not in the bathroom - outside."
"Don't worry about us, we are old drinking veterans."
Boy, you don't look a day over 15. If you are are drinking veteran, then I am goddamn Theodore Roosevelt, Jr.!

Time to go. Unlock the bikes. Thank god they weren't stolen.
The night is perfect. Not too humid, the wind on my face, the pavement underneath. Not a sole on the street.

Bike past the local liquor shop.
"Hey Kev, watch the bikes. I gotta get me something."
"You know I got your back, brother."

"Pint a 5'oclock vodka."
"$4.44."

Glare of the neon signs of the Fish 'n Chips store and the pizzeria.
"Hey Kev...you hungry?"
"Up to you, man."

"Hot ham 'n cheese sub and an order of cheese sticks."
Holy god, that was the best meal I've ever had.

And then, after a night of hanging loose, talking shit, and being young, it turns, as it inevitably does, to something more important. Suddenly, it isn't two best friends at a bar drinking huge pints of beer reliving old stories of the glory days and crazy shit that happened in the past. Suddenly, it is two best friends walking along a deserted train track in the dark of night, each with a flask in hand, each being open.

Nothing is more beautiful than that. Two friends walking along an infinite road in the dead of night, opening up about who they really are. Their feet are going to kill in the morning (walking along train track rocks in paper thin sole-d shoes is the worst idea, in hindsight), but that doesn't matter.

For a moment, everything is perfect and put in perspective. For a second, you aren't the only one struggling through life with no direction. For a second, the myriad of choices you have are laid out before you, and any one of them is viable. For a moment, you are infinite.

It ends, at it always must.
But you go down into your room, after hugging your friend, and you sit down at your computer and think about the perfect song to sum up your night (your life).

For me, I define this sort of night with one song
"Swing Life Away" by Rise Against.

What about you?

2010-08-16T02:17:00.002-04:00

I can lie too easily. I can fake too easily. I can manipulate too easily. I can react appropriately too easily.

I have a lot of good qualities, but it is important to know your faults, your pitfalls, your weaknesses.

I can adapt and fake who I am in order to fit in. And at a certain point...when does it stop being act? What if the act becomes who I am?

2010-08-10T21:26:00.001-04:00

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life...

...But why would I want to do a thing like that?

2010-08-09T00:12:00.002-04:00

I feel strange when I see people going through the exact same things I have gone through. It is strange for me to be on the otherside of those mistakes/actions and looking at someone else walking the path I just came from.

So here I am, a shot of Wild Turkey 101 bathing in the glare of this screen, wrapped in a bathrobe, thinking about past actions...and 30 Seconds to Mars' song "Alibi" comes on.

I fell apart
But got back up again

And that's really all it is. I've fallen apart so many times. Spent a lot of nights lying awake thinking about all the choices I've made, all the actions I've done that hurt someone else or myself.

You know, I'm not a saint.

But no matter how many times I fall apart (which is pretty frequent), I get back up. It may take a long while, my methods my not be perfect, but I get back up.

And I know, in the end, the people I see walking the same road I did...they'll get back up also. But until then, I hope I can be a small comfort.

2010-08-03T21:54:00.002-04:00

I had a glorious day today. Ladyface and her brother+his friend and I all went up to the cottage her grandparents rented on a lake.
It was a beautiful day. The kind of day that was meant to be spent at the lake. We sped around in the boat for a little while, pausing to take a swim, and polish off a Summer Shandy. Now, I hear a lot of trash talking about Summer Shandy, but sitting in the 90 degree weather in the middle of lake, flush and tired from swimming...nothing takes you to that place of perfect contentment like a Summer Shandy.
Went tubing. Ladyfriend is a maniac behind the wheel and managed to knock me off twice.
Went on the Sea-do. I got to pilot it for a bit...and man it was amazing! Nothing like the summer time air, the splash of the water, the wind whipping through your hair, and having an amazing girlfriend clinging on to you.
Ended the day with pizza and breadsticks.
A perfect afternoon.

I am this way

2010-08-03T03:34:00.002-04:00

It is weird...I am in a committed relationship with a girl I really like/genuinely care about...but I still think about all the things that could go wrong/have gone wrong in past relationships.

Maybe it has something to do with me listening to way more songs that are about breaking up/endings rather than songs that are about beginnings.
Who knows. Regardless, I still feel the visceral emotional response when listening to songs like Anathema's "Are You There?"

But since you've been gone I've been lost inside
Tried and failed as we walked by the riverside
And I wish you could see the love in her eyes
The best friend that eluded you lost in time
Burned alive in the heat of a grieving mind

But what can I say now?
It couldn't be more wrong

Because that was me. In the past. And I do not/can not forget the past...

I'm killing time

2010-08-03T00:41:00.002-04:00

How many songs total: 11,533
How many hours or days of music: 42.5 days.

Sort by song title-
First song: "Take On Me" - A-ha
Last song: "Release" - 8th Day

Sort by time-
Shortest song: "2/4/943" - Entwine
Longest song: "Thrive Mix Presents: Electro" by LA Riots

Sort by album-
First album: "[A----B] Life"
Last album: "From Angels or Dreams"

Top five most played songs:
1. When I Was Alive: Walden III - A Wilhelm Scream (2:19), 56
2. In Vino Veritas II - A Wilhelm Scream (2:25), 53
3. The Kids Can Eat a Bag of Dicks - A Wilhelm Scream (3:44), 33
4. Me Vs. Morrissey In The Pretentiousness Contest (The Ladder Match - A Wilhelm Scream (1:45), 32
5. The Horse - A Wilhelm Scream (4:54), 30

Search the following and state how many songs come up:
Death: 1123
Life: 187
Love: 368
Hate: 145
You: 823
Sex: 34

10 Shuffles-
1. "Believe" - Aiden
2. "The Touch" - Computorgirl
3. "Am I Evil?" - Metallica
4. "Ceremony Ek Stasis" - Minsk
5. "Alice" - The Sisters of Mercy
6. "For the Love I Bear" - Sentenced
7. "Sadistic Lullabye" - Soilwork
8. "Cosmic Retribution" - Arch Enemy
9. "Perfect World" - Blackfield
10. "Consumed" - The Hope Conspiracy

Relationships matter

2010-07-29T01:06:00.002-04:00

"I knew the people who worked for me... When you know people, you have to behave towards them like human beings." - Oskar Schindler

I once heard a story. It went like this - a Jewish man lived in Germany. He was a friendly man, and everyday he would take a walk, and on this walk, he would greet the local constable with a hearty, "Hello, Herr X."
The Nazis rise to power, and this Jewish man is eventually shipped off to the deathcamp. He is weak and feeble, but one one of the daily forced marches he recognizes an SS guard and shouts his hearty, "Hello, Herr X!" The guard responds in a friendly way, and the next day, the Jewish man is assigned to a much less severe/taxing position in the camp. He ends up living through the war, and when asked about it, he responded to the effect of, "A friendly greeting goes a long way."

* * *

I was young when I saw my first Holocaust Survivor speak. I was 14, maybe 15. Poppa Something (Golda?) was speaking at Harmony Cafe, and the girl I was interested in knew him and wanted to go see him. I still remember some of the things he said, 8 years later. I still remember the question I asked him. The major thing that I remember is when he talked of the local Christian kids throwing rocks at him and fellow Jews and generally treating them poorly. When QnA came around, I stood up, flushed in the face and nervous, "Did you ever harbor ill feelings towards those Christian children." The question wasn't half out of my mouth before he said, "Never. Not for one second."

As long as I live, I'll always remember that old, big, smiling, Holocaust surviving Jewish man answering my question with such sincerity and the lesson it taught me. He was treated as subhuman by these children, but never did he think worse of them.
A lesson in forgiveness. In humility. In grace/mercy.

The Space Between

2010-07-29T00:31:00.003-04:00

This place is not home.

It took me some time to figure it out, but this is not home. Home was Sojourners'. Home was dingy carpets, a faucet handle that always fell off, late nights on the porch, our skeezy basement. Home was two years of good people and memories.

This...this is change. This is transitional. It is the place between homes. The place I live for a time before I settle in a place on my own terms. That does not make it bad, simply the place that came After.

My role shifts. I grow older, and things change. I see through a new lens. I see how I once was, how people once perceived me (though, I do not judge as harshly, because I know what the current ones are going through).

It's funny thinking about the Past. About change. About how much you depend on your surroundings.

It is also funny how much I (we, us, you) can be so content in the present, yet think so much about The Road Not Taken. About all those Maybes, Ifonlys, and Longshots.

I feel stuck between Past and Future. Stuck in this space between; this place known as the Present. Though deep down, I know it is a prison of my own choosing.

Choices

2010-07-18T03:20:00.003-04:00

It's funny how much (seemingly) minor decisions affect the future (or is it the present?)
Example, a certain Ladyfriend and I are dating for some of the most ridiculous reasons.

In January, there was a costume party at her house. This is the only time I have ever really dressed up for a costume party, and I threw myself into my character with reckless abandon. My costume, you ask - the guy from "My New Haircut" vid (youtube it). Tight, collared shirt; fake tan; sunglasses; fifth of Jaeger...I'm good to go.
Get to party full of Jaeger and (more importantly) a false bravado stemming from the character I am playing.
See cute girl who I have always crushed on. Think, "Fuuuuck...I ain't got shit to lose and nothing to prove" so strike up conversation. 20 minutes later, it is hazy, but we end up kissing..
Awesome.

A few weeks later, realize that Layfriend is someone you want to get to know, not just have sweet makeouts with. Not sure if it was just a one night fling or what. Send facebook message with reckless abandon saying (paraphrased), "Hey, we madeout, but we should hangout because I like you."
Wake up next morning petrified because of your audacity. Fuckfuckfuck. Think about moving out of state, changing name.
Get reply, "I'd like that."

Awkward dates ensue. Spring Break occurs. Ladyfriend ends up 2 hours away from me. Late night text that says (paraphrase), "You are inland...I am at private condo with a beach, hottub, and pool - come swimming!" Ladyfriend relents, gets friends to come.

Ladyfriend and friends show up. Wine on the veranda. Games. Games. Wine. Late night walk to the beach. Walking back, Ladyfriend jumps in the pool...no one else jumps in, but I know I have to. Jump in fully clothed (and I could never break the surface of the water without jumping in). Late night talk. Wake up still a bit unsure of what relationship status is...go for handhold in front of her friends.
Boom, success. Most amazing Ladyfriend of all time acquired.

And while it may just sound that I am bragging about my Ladyfriend, I am doing more than that.

The point is, if any one of those steps/actions was removed, this relationship may not have happened - ergo, I would not be who/where I am right now. What if I had a different costume the fateful night? What if I never sent a facebook message asking to hangout? What if I didn't text her while on SpringBreak? What if I didn't jump in the pool?

Choices have the most unforeseeable consequences. But this experience taught me to be a little more reckless. Or, at the very least, open to the idea of break out of my shell and taking a risk.

Summer playlist

2010-07-18T02:53:00.002-04:00

I love making playlists. In high school, I would make mix cds for my friends all the time. Invariably, I would make a cd, give it to a friend, and kick myself 30 seconds later for not including X song.
Anyway, here is a playlist of the songs that I've been listening to heavily this summer. It is short and only consists of two bands.

(In no order)

A Wilhelm Scream - "Fun Time"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYjuK5_fbaA&feature=related
It's about being with friends and cutting loose. It's about drinking and being crazy. It's about being a bit crazy...but knowing that it is okay to be a bit crazy.
Nothing to be embarrassed of
Gonna shout till my voice cuts out

Third Eye Blind - "Bonfire"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_MvEpIpEUQ
This is my summer anthem. It is a song about change. It is about transition. Things are changing, but that is the nature of life. It is about love. I saw 3eb play this song live...they ended their set with it - I almost cried. It ended with the band stopping all their instruments and singing with the crowd "Did you get what you wanted?"

Everything's changing now  

  And lightning comes and lightning goes
 And it's all the same to me
 Let it in

A Wilhelm Scream - "The Pool"
A song about alienation, about loneliness, about endings.
All my accomplishments are joined with asterisks,
so in a few years they're meaningless.

Third Eye Blind - "Dao of St. Paul"
A song about uncertainty. Something has ended, but there are still questions lingering. About the road not taken. But ultimately, it is all about hope.
And I tell myself what we're living for
And say rejoice evermore

2010-07-17T17:28:00.003-04:00

It's a great thing to have friends who understand you and who care about you.
It might even be the best thing.

I think I'll hit restart on Sunday.
But for today, I think I'll just sit in my room and listen to Rilo Kiley.

I do this thing where I think I'm real sick
But I won't go to the doctor to find out about it
Because they make you stay real still
In a real small space
As they chart up your insides and put them on display

They'd see all of it, all of me, all of it

2010-07-11T00:10:00.002-04:00

Every time I doubt where I am/what I am doing in life, something brings me back to my senses. And then I realize that I am choosing this path for a specific, certain, concrete reason.

There are infinite paths in life. To Borges, life/existence was a garden of infinitely forking paths. There are an infinite number of paths I could have chosen in life...but I chose this one. And I intend to follow this path until there is a compelling reason to leave it. I've left so many things in my life half completed or unfulfilled entirely. Not this.

I'll be here until I can close my eyes and watch the stars explode.

the full story (READ THE STORIES BELOW)

2010-07-05T02:50:00.000-04:00

i’m afraid I have some of the worst news that has ever hit our lives. It’s almost impossible to even type this update. A few nights ago, Matthew walked from my apt. a block and a half down the street to meet a friend for a drink. half way there he saw a man severely beating his wife. Being the most amazing, strong, heroic and incredible person I know.. even though the guy was twice his size, Matthew intervened. He managed to subdue this guy for a second and since his wife was beat up pretty good called the cops.. as he did so the guy jumped him from behind and beat him. This guy did things I can’t even type. After words, he and his beaten wife left Matthew unconscious on the street. Matthew is in the hospital with a third of his skull removed as we wait for the swelling in his brain to go down. I’d rather not share any additional information at this time besides the fact that he acted as a hero (as he always would in any of these situations) and is paying a horrific price. Please send all your love and good energy and vibrations to him. I’ve been and will be next to him throughout the entire recovery process. We don’t know enough yet details about how that will develop.. but it has shocked, stunned, disgusted our best friends, family and band (which are both). The world can be evil beyond belief and as much as we want this evil eliminated, right now our hearts heads and energies need to go to my best friend, soul mate, hero, and angel, Matthew. Love you all and will be in touch as soon as I can muster up the emotional energy to reach out again. Please, be safe and peaceful as we get through this impossible time.

Nathan

READ THE POST BEFORE THIS ONE

2010-07-05T02:36:00.003-04:00

No, fuck this. I've never been a strongly principled man...but this issue makes me.

Violence against women is one of the worst acts on this planet.

I've witnessed it first hand.
Seeing a woman beaten isn't even remotely academically fascinating. It is nothing but the lowest kind of violence or bully-ism. Men who hit women are in the lowest level of scum on this planet.

If I ever heard of a guy hitting a girl friend of mine...that shit would spiral so far out of control for him. That is inexcusable. No circumstances mitigate a situation like that.

I Pray I'll never see another woman hurt before my eyes.

A true hero (PLEASE READ)

2010-07-05T02:12:00.003-04:00

http://www.sweetrelief.org/news/sweet-relief-helping-raise-money-matthew-leone-madina-lake

This post isn't about me. Rather, it is about something/someone truly important.

Matthew Leone, the bassist for the Chicago band Madina Lake, was seriously injured a number of days ago. He saw a man beating up on a woman, and he intervened. He tried to calm the man down, and at first, he apparently succeeded. However, when he turned to see how the woman was doing, the aggressive man attacked him from behind - attacked him so severely that Matthew ended up in a coma.

Matthew took a stand against abuse, specifically abuse against women. Violence against an individual in general is deplorable, but violence against a woman is inexcusable. Matthew took a stand. He came in as an outsider and tried to stop an act that he knew was wrong.
Though he was hospitalized for his actions, his brother said something to the effect of, "Once Matthew gets better, if he ever saw something similar happening, he would step in and stop it with no hesitation."

Matthew Leone is a hero. In an age marked by cynicism and apathy, he took a stand. That's why I am asking everyone (all 2 of you) who read this blog to donate 10dollars ($10) to help Matthew's medical expenses. He has no medical insurance. He is a bassist in a small/middling sized band....he cannot afford a serious injury like this. However, he stood up for something fundamentally right, and let's help him for that.

My last night in Hungary, we left the club and were waiting for the bus to take us home. We were standing there at the bus stop when we saw what we thought was two guys horsing around and having a joke fight.
It wasn't a joke fight.
It was a joke beating up his girlfriend. He smashed her head against a brick wall several times. We all rushed over. We broke up the fight...but they ended up leaving together. We couldn't do anything to stop it. It tore me up;; still tears me up. I went home pissed off, punched a wall, nearly shattered my hand, and swore that I would stand against violence against women.
I've rarely, if ever, taken a hard stance against anything in my life. Domestic violence is something I will always fight against. Always.

http://www.sweetrelief.org/news/sweet-relief-helping-raise-money-matthew-leone-madina-lake

Lists

2010-07-03T20:24:00.003-04:00

I think I'll rank my favorite LTJ albums, going from first to last

1. Anthem
2. Borders and Boundaries
3. Losing Streak
4. Hello Rockview
5. B Is for B-sides
6. In With the Out Crowd
7. GNV Florida
8. Pezcore

I like making lists. I'm not sure why. Maybe it has something to do with the definitive nature of lists. They quantify. They provide concrete evidence. In short, they are not vague or unknown.

2010-07-03T04:36:00.002-04:00

As they walked aimlessly under the halogen lights that lit up their town, all he could think about was how funny it was just how closely his life mirrored every Less Than Jake song. He just laughed a kind of nervous laugh. She looked at him questioningly, so he said, "It's funny how life turns out."
But what he really thought was, "Soon, this moment will be nothing more than a moved on memory."
They turned back onto Monroe St., and neither of them remember that moment. Or maybe, they both remembered it, but neither would admit it to the other.

And I swear it's the last time and I swear it's my last try
and we'll walk in circles around this whole block
walk on the cracks on the same old sidewalks
and we'll talk about leaving town
yeah we'll talk about leaving

we drove around this place all night
past closed signs and familiar sights
we're moving by passing time
counting those center lines
with 20,000 lines left to go
that lead to somewhere I don't know
it might be the time tha twe leave this all behind

Hey ma, look! It's me -

2010-07-03T04:26:00.000-04:00

- much to young to focus but too old to see!

301

2010-07-01T02:49:00.001-04:00

All this meaningless direction feels like it pulls me away

Rejoice...evermore

2010-06-26T03:25:00.004-04:00

I looked in her eyes
And in that moment, I didn't see you
(I no longer saw the past)

I saw her for who she is
And we both smiled
...a bit awkwardly, truth be told

And she asked me,
"What?"
The most complicated-simple question of them all.

And I wanted to say,
"For about five years I thought I loved this girl but in hindsight she was terrible for me and I am over her or
This one time the family dog I hated ran away and I chased after it and carried it into my arms like a husband carries his wife over the threshold or
I sometimes cry for no reason when I listen to certain songs, like half of the songs on Third Eye Blind's new album or
I think you have the most beautiful eyes of all time and I am constantly blown away by how beautiful you are or
Kev and I hangout all the time and we love each other's company but we each really wish that Al was here or
I am not a saint and my brother once asked me if I regretted my decisions and how I thought they would affect you, and I answered, "I regret nothing"...but that was a lie...

But I couldn't,

So I said,
"Nothing"
And gave a lopsided smirk.

And we kissed.
It wasn't like a movie.
There wasn't any music in the background.
There was no spontaneous applause from an audience.
There were no profanations of undying love.

It was just a kiss
And it was enough for us.
And it got us where we needed to be

I wish I was a sharp knife, swing that blade right through my life

2010-06-25T13:55:00.003-04:00

How do we tell if we are selling out on all our dreams or maturing? How do we tell if the things we always wanted to do were merely the ideas of a younger (different) person or something still worth reaching for? How do we tell if the life we are leading is as good as the life we wanted to lead?

Well, if nothing else, I am myself, and that's all I have to give.

And all that we call chaos
I will say it's by design
(But I'm just lying)

Rameriz - sitrep!!!

2010-06-17T00:45:00.003-04:00

I'm here a week now... waiting for a mission... getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker...

I can't write. It has been a month since I've wrote anything of substance.
All the old standbys have failed. Music, reading, booze...the weather has almost helped...but it is this room. This room traps me. A windowless, lightless hell. I wake up - the clock says 9am (morning)...it could be 11pm for all I know. Light barely filters through these narrow, thick windows. Is it raining? It is shining bright? Has the world ended? I do not know...until I walk upstairs.

I cannot go on like this.

I have taken to watching movies when I go to bed now (I never needed this before!!). 'Sherlock Holmes' is a favourite. Holmes at one point says something close to "My mind rebels at stagnation, give me data, give me problems"

That is how I feel.

I need something to get my mind out of this rut. Books have not done it. I haven't been able to write. I do not want to demean myself to a nowhere job, but I feel unconfident about my chances at jobs I want. I am in between. I am liminal. Two paths are lay before me...the one I am one (alcohol, stagnation, dullness) or the path of action.

My fear

I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream; that's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor... and surviving.

the chase is on

2010-06-04T14:09:00.002-04:00

I'm currently living my life as a true Sojourner. Couple of days at my sister's apartment, now the weekend in WI to see my sister get married. Sleeping on couches is not conducive to my productivity. I need a space to call my own. A place that is my home. Not just a dwelling space.
I need to move into my new place. Then, job hunt until I find something.
Also, ladyface and I came up with a list of things to do this summer. And I really like that, because I am afraid of just wasting my time indoors not doing anything. So, it is good to have measurable goals.
I want to write more...but this new (well, old...but new to this computer) B!F cd I just downloaded is giving me a lot of guff!!!